Please enjoy the following guest post from Endorsed Coach and Mind-Body Coach Training Instructor, Laura Bozarth, about the hazards of being too nice. Laura also lets you in on her experience in Mind-Body Coach Training and why she thinks it may be a great program for you, too.
Being Nice Isn’t Always Kind
Are you tired of being nice?
I know I sure am. It still feels a little mean to me when I say it, because I spent so much time trying to micromanage other people’s feelings but the truth of the matter is I got really tired of being nice.
2014 was a really transformational year for me in which I had to stop with all my nice girl stuff and create some real solid boundaries in my life. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t feel good. In fact I think it was one of the hardest things I had to do.
But I knew I was caught in the good girl syndrome of people pleasing, and had been avoiding conversations that were holding me back in all areas of my life.
Sometimes you need a clean sweep of your niceness so you can get clarity on who you really are and what you really want to cultivate in your life.
There were a lot of areas that I didn’t have good boundaries in my life. I was afraid to set these boundaries because I thought somehow I needed my connections the way that they were in order to survive. I didn’t realize I had a choice and what felt good to me and what didn’t. I also lacked the confidence to believe that I could speak my truth and that people would accept it. Most importantly, that if I did speak my truth and they didn’t like it, that I would be okay and they would have to deal with their own stuff around it. It was all about letting go of my responsibility and a feeling that I had to be a certain way for other people in order to retain calmness in my world.
The most important thing I noticed was how much of an energy drain always trying to be nice was, and also how my being nice was directly linked into my fear-based thinking. My default was nice because I feared the result of what would happen if I didn’t just go along with everything.
My body totally protested this way of being. From IBS to chronic pain from injuries that took a long time to heal, my body kept resisting all of the stress and pressure I placed upon it when I forced myself into being nice.
Perhaps you do the same thing! Do you find yourself being nice when you really want to say no or set up a boundary? If so these questions may help you.
When do you feel your nice girl kick in the most? Is it around certain people or situations?
What do you tend to do or say in the situations? How does your body feel? Sometimes you might not notice how your body actually feels until later when you replay the conversation and you said yourself holy shit I did it again. But that’s okay because it’s just making you aware of your patterns so you’ll pick up on it more quickly next time.
Ask yourself what you would like to say in the situations where you been way too nice. If you could do it over again what would you say? How would that make you feel? Spend some time practicing those responses with yourself. What you’ll find is the more that you come against those kinds of situations the more you’ll start to naturally create boundaries and speak your truth. You’ll feel more confident doing it because you’ve been teaching your brain a different response.
Give yourself a break! You can’t change who you really are, and personally I don’t want to become a mean person. I just want to be nice when it feels good to me not when I’m doing it just to please others or make a situation go away.
I’d love to hear how your practice goes!
P.S. Speaking of being nice – if you are called to helping others heal and being on the healing path yourself, fully and supported, one of the nicest things you could do for yourself is sign up for Abigail’s Mind-Body Coach Training (MBCT) starting this coming May.
I took the MCBT because I knew I needed to make big changes in both my emotional life and my health. But what I got out of it was a total transformation in my entire life! When I began the class I had no idea how disconnected I truly was from my soul and what I was really meant to do in this world. I had spent so many years shutdown and isolating myself I didn’t realize the impact it had on my body and on achieving my dreams. Through Abigail’s gentle and wise guidance I learned how to listen to my body and navigate my emotions, which has helped me tremendously in every area of my life.
If you’re ready to understand yourself on a greater level and learn how to welcome joy back into your life, this is a great program for you. I’ll be teaching one of the coaching practicums, and I’d love to see you there!
With much love,
MBCT Endorsed Coach and Martha Beck Certified Coach, Founder of Good Girls Health