Feeling Bad? Have a Tantrum!

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know the drill. You know you have to feel emotions that arise on a daily basis, because avoiding and therefore storing them in your body creates tension and pain. Obviously, no one is going to be perfect at feeling emotions. However, I, like you, have the goal to feel as pain-free and healthy as possible. This keeps me motivated to continually allow myself to have emotions, albeit imperfectly.

Every now and then, I fall back into the don’t-feel mode. I start making self-judgments like “I should be okay with this already,” or “I shouldn’t get THAT angry, for heaven’s sake…”  This usually means there is something I REALLY need to feel, and I am busy convincing myself I am fine, it’s all good, and I’ll just attend to a few more emails instead of stopping to feel.

This past month, I noticed creeping tension accumulating in my back, and I knew I needed to feel something. I did some avoiding, then some distracting, and a little bit of eating. Strangely, none of that magically eliminated my tension. Finally, I took a deep breath and dove into my own psyche. I should have known. It was stored anger.

For me, anger is the hardest emotion. I’ve worked for years to allow sadness, and now I can pretty much allow myself a good cry whenever I need it. I’ve gotten much friendlier with fear, and I can allow it to be present for the most part. Anger, on the other hand, is almost always the culprit when I say to myself, “Gosh, I just don’t KNOW what I’m feeling. Hmmm. What on EARTH could it be?”

I believe deeply in honoring emotions, the body, and the mind and how they work together. I decided I needed some help accessing what was stored in my body. I booked an appointment series with my chiropractor, who also does intense (by that I mean hideously painful) myofascial and deep tissue release. If I had any anger stored in my muscles and tissues, he would definitely help it start to flow.

After last week’s session, I drove home (blinking the tears of pain out of my eyes – the man has thumbs of steel) and got back to work. He’d done a new type of fascial release that hurt so much I thought I would pass out. He attacked muscles on the top of my head that were highly offended by the assault. Yet, it felt oddly good afterward. I sat, typing away at my desk.

Suddenly, a tsunami of anger exploded into my awareness. Wow. I did some Conscious Complaining, I felt it, I talked to a fellow coach. I thought I was doing pretty good, allowing the anger to flow. Yet, the muscle tension was still there. I was a little puzzled.

A couple of days later, I was visiting my mom, chatting with her in the kitchen. I told her about the anger explosion, and she said, “Oh, yes, I like to have tantrums when that happens.” I’ve tossed around the word tantrum before, but I had a sense something really good was about to be revealed. Sure enough, she began to demonstrate, and something indescribable came over me. It was a sense of relief, a giant easing of years of tension. It was permission to let go. She really got INTO the tantrum. She yelled. She mocked. She moved her whole body. It was spectacular, and impossible not to join in. Pretty soon I was having a tantrum, too. I was shaking all parts of my body, I was being a three-year-old, and I was letting it all out. It was kind of like a tantrum dance, though lying down and kicking our legs was still involved. (Stolen from the classic 3-year-old tantrum move.)

The tantrum came to a natural close, because we couldn’t continue long without exploding into fits of laughter. It was possibly the funniest thing, ever. I so wish you could see my mom having a tantrum. She is gifted. She is a genius. She knows how to let herself have the moment. How many times do we stop ourselves and say, “I shouldn’t really feel/think x….” when we just need a two-minute tantrum?

We like to think we’re adults now, and tantrums are a 3-year-olds prerogative. Not so. There is nothing more freeing than letting loose your inner 3-year-old. I imagine that, like us, you’ll have a hard time not laughing when you’re done with your tantrum, especially if you really let yourself get into it. (I highly recommend grabbing a friend who’s willing to explore the tantrum concept, too. It’s more fun with company.)

It might seem silly, but a tantrum done well is actually one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. First, you get to combine Conscious Complaining (at the top of your lungs, no less, or in scathing, mocking tones – soooo fun) with moving your whole body. There is something hugely powerful about that. Second, you get to shake, punch, kick, and otherwise pummel the air, releasing actual stored energy from your body. Third, you get to feel whatever you’re feeling, and it’s much easier to let it flow when you’re really getting into it physically. Fourth, you get to laugh at the end, which is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself in general.

Not five minutes after my tantrum, my back loosened up. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt awake. My body was alive, fluid, and strong.  I was present. I told my mom she is a genius. She said she learned it from me, when I was a three-year-old. When I had tantrums as a kid, she used to join in, because, well, why not? My mom GETS kids, in a way that no one else I know does. She knows that you’ve just got to have the tantrum, and trying to stop it is futile. She knows that a little company during a tantrum makes it that much better. Somehow, I forgot, as my adult self, this gem of wisdom. I am grateful to have recovered it.

I guess, for some reason, we always try to be so grown up. Why is that? Kids have way more fun. They are naturals at feeling and moving on, no stored tension necessary. Whatever changed you and me from a freely feeling four-year-old to a hold it in adult (yes, there are many experiences in life that, unfortunately, facilitate that process), it’s time to recapture our kid genius.

I tried to get Mom to make a tantrum video, but she was a little shy. Maybe I’ll coerce her to give Tantrum Workshops with me. Somehow, I hope to convey her genius to you, because I think you’ll benefit in a huge way. For now, the written word is the best I can do. I’ve learned from the master, but I don’t consider myself a fully trained tantrum instructor just yet.

How to Have a Conscious Tantrum

1)     Queue up the issue you’re upset about in your mind. (If you don’t know what it is, that’s fine – you can start with the feeling instead.)

2)     Start moving. Wiggle your shoulders, shake your arms, make air punches – just do anything your body wants to do. Keep moving.

3)     Start complaining about whatever it is, or anything. (If you don’t have an actual complaint, you can just make noise, too.) Stoop to your lowest levels. Say what you really want to say but aren’t letting yourself express. Use your bitchiest voice. Then yell. Get snarky. Mock. Whine. Judge. Channel your inner toddler. (Keep moving.)

4)     Feel whatever emotion is there. Say what you feel. (Keep moving.) Let your movements express what you’re feeling in whatever way feels right. Be the drama queen. Go way over the top.  (This will facilitate step 5.)

5)     Laugh hysterically at yourself.

I really can’t recommend this enough. I employed it yesterday while having a wardrobe meltdown. (These recur at a regular monthly interval for some odd, completely inexplicable reason…) I felt completely hysterical about all of my clothes, and spent a good several hours ruminating on how awful they all look, before I remembered the Conscious Tantrum Technique. Ahhh, sweet relief. (Now seriously, aren’t you just a little intrigued by a tool that is powerful enough to release PMS mania? You’ve gotta try it.)

So, I encourage you to be a toddler when you need to feel through something. Have the moment. Let yourself go there. Let it all hang out. Stoop to your lowest levels. Then, you’ll rise up on the sweet aftermath, with laughter to carry you home – to you.

, , , , , , , , , ,

19 Responses to Feeling Bad? Have a Tantrum!

  1. Donna August 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!! Put me on the list for your mom’s workshop (smile). Amazing that I needed “permission” to vent and relieve ourselves from the stresses my daily life, Can’t wait to see what my neighbors (who are way too close while we are here in the Park) will think of this – thank you for sharing a great way to vent!!!

    • Abigail August 25, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

      Ha ha! Your neighbors will be quite curious! 🙂

  2. Sonya August 25, 2011 at 5:26 pm #

    Throwing a Conscious Tantrum sounds so cathartic, now I can’t wait for the next emotional hairball to get stuck in my throat!

    • Abigail August 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

      It is truly an experience. 🙂

  3. stvance August 25, 2011 at 10:10 pm #

    yes, your mom is rare genius when it comes to understanding kids, and we are all “kids” somewhere in side. Loved this blog. Yes, let’s “have a fit and fall in it”! The release you felt is not unlike that one feels after a bout of tears. thanks for helping….
    love n.

  4. Tia Sparkles Singh August 25, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

    Love it! I call myself the Tantrum Queen – throwing tantrums consciously since 2009 and rocking them. I wrote a few posts about tantrums back in 2009 and 2010 too! Tantrums rock! I throw myself on the bed, I stomp my feet, I yell and cuss at the Universe, I even throw pillows around. And when I used to drive, I’d drive to the top of a mountain and scream my head off. YAY for tantrums!

  5. stvance August 26, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Ab..p.s. in pondering our blog during the wee hours, I realize that when I’m ready to “tantrum” on any subject, the bottom line is that I’m mad at myself. Why did it do, think, trust, not notice, feel, anticipate, whatever it was? Why didn’t I know ahead of time? Somehow I make it my fault for being blind to reality? duhhhh Why am I responsible for the world?

  6. Willie August 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    Finally…..someone has called me a genius. Okay, so it is all about tantrums…but it still counts. Actually kids are the smart ones. When it comes to mind/body there is nothing like a tantrum. I guess we forget as we get older.

    • Abigail August 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm #

      Hey, I say, own that genius! 🙂 Being able to tap into your inner kid is a HUGE asset. I’m lucky to have a mom who can do this! LOVE! XO

  7. Marla August 27, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

    Dear Abigail

    I looked for ages for a website that could prove my own suspicions that my physical ailments were linked to problems in my mind- the mind-body connection. I was so happy when I found your website! I have been keeping up with your blogs over the past few months and it has been amazingly relevant to me. Keep up the good work. Your last few blogs have been kind of freaky, because they have been totally relevant to my issue of the week. This week I got angry. Not uncontrollably angry, but angry enough to show my anger. Like you, I am extremely uncomfortable with anger and so I felt so guilty about acting this way after the fact. Thank you for reminding me that its ok to get angry! And thanks again for all the lovely insightful advice!

  8. Gina Clowes August 30, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

    Love this Abigail. Louise Hay recommends using a plastic baseball bat and whacking at your bed or pillows with it. Haven’t tried it yet, but your post has me tempted!

  9. Hannah September 6, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    That’s why I love it when my 2-year-old daughter throws a tantrum. She’s getting relief from the stored energy. Which is still exhausting to me – oh, wait here’s an idea: Next time she’s throwing a tantrum, I will join her. Hey, I wanna have fun, too! 😉

    • Abigail September 6, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

      That was my mom’s technique! Worked like a charm. I usually got curious and forgot my tantrum. 🙂

  10. Hannah September 7, 2011 at 5:18 am #

    Now that you mention this – this is what my mom did when we had a tantrum. And vice versa. It was great. I totally forgot about that! Thanks!

  11. Susan Viljoen January 6, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    Got to try this! Thanks, Abigail!

  12. Coco October 26, 2013 at 5:59 am #

    You’re one of the most chilled person I’ve met, Abigail! You & your mom are both geniuses. I’ll definitely incorporate this in my practice as “my dirty lil secret!”. Love your post. ~ Coco

  13. Bana June 24, 2015 at 8:24 am #

    I was nonplus to read this, Abigail, as my mom has almost exactly the same technique! I used to hold this against her sincerity, as she a lot of time lookes like the sweetes and the tenderest person on earth. I was so surprised when I heard her scolding and hatefully speaking against some politicians while setting the washing machine in the bathroom one day. She thought no one was there to hear her. Once I found a humorous poem she wrote complaining on some things: it was full of fierce emotions, but also funny. I think I held this against her because she used to get really angry with us kids when I was little at times, and this scared me.When I asked her about her tantrums and poems, she said that she would burst like a steampot if she didn’t vent it this way. Thank you for helping me get this finally, and I can’t wait to get home a throw a tantrum. It seems the healthiest thing I heard of in years!

    • Abigail June 25, 2015 at 5:59 pm #

      Yay! Have an excellent tantrum, lol!


  1. Spilling Blueberries « Emily Downward - September 21, 2011

    […] very effective. Or, as one of the master coaches I admire so much, Abigail Steidley says, you can throw a tantrum. Dirty pain needs to be disbelieved. And for that, there’s thoughtwork. I’m ever so […]

Leave a Comment
 ( 19 so far)