How to Go from People Pleaser to Self Lover

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Leda Asmar

Several years ago, I gave a gift to someone in honor of a milestone we had reached in a fundraiser. That’s a nice thing to do, right? But I didn’t feel my usual joy of giving. Instead, I felt resentment.

This was a person who made me feel unwelcome and unappreciated. Yet here I was giving her a gift!

To add insult to injury, I kicked myself quite a bit about it afterwards.  Why would I give her a gift?  Was I out of my bleeping mind?

Simple. I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, and liked.

In my heart, I knew that giving her a gift wasn’t going to change that situation.

But it ended up doing something much better. It hurt so badly that I had to sit down with the pain and dig deep. In the process, I figured out a how to deal with a prominent pattern in my life.

That new understanding was a surprise gift – to myself!

Let me introduce you to a wonderful woman. She’s nicer than anyone else you know and she’s always extremely helpful.  She’s a peacemaker and avoids confrontation.

You need a favor? You can call her. You need a volunteer? She’s the one, because she never says no.

This is not a fictional character. She is everywhere and she seeks your approval. I used to be this woman.

I’m a recovering people pleaser and approval seeker.

I see this pattern in many of my clients as well.

Maria: When she came to me for help, Maria suffered from back pain, was stressed and depressed and found it hard to enjoy time with her relatives and friends. She was the one staying late at work to finish projects. At home, she was the go-to parent, the volunteer, the organizer.

Stephanie: Stephanie looked for approval in other ways. She went along with her friends even if she didn’t agree with their choices. She said nice things to people even if she didn’t mean them. When a supervisor crossed the boundary of sexual harassment, she didn’t report it not wanting to make waves. She suffered from chronic stress.

In time, both Maria and Stephanie figured out that they were attempting to earn everyone’s approval and love. Worse, they actively feared being disliked. That was their underlying problem.

Where does the fear of being disliked and/or the need for approval come from?

They’re reactions and stories from childhood experiences stored in our nervous system’s library. This is mainly a survival strategy because safety, love and connection are essential to children in early development.

Survival strategies aren’t limited to childhood, of course. They can happen later in life too, and there’s a good reason for them. At least at first. Our minds create them to protect us, to avoid painful situations, or to help us steer clear of things seen as mistakes.

Over time, repeating these patterns turns them into automatic default settings.

An adult doesn’t need the past protective strategies but by the time we’ve grown, they’re ingrained in our nervous system.

Here’s the good news.

If you decide to explore this pattern, look inward to the reasons, start understanding yourself and develop strategies to help yourself, you’ll find a treasure: your true self, your strengths, and tremendous love for all the parts of you.

Some helpful tips:

1. Put yourself first and understand who you are.

Make time for self-care.

This is like the oxygen mask on an airplane. Without your own oxygen supply, you won’t be in any condition to help others. Self-care is more than a massage or a pedicure. Take time to be alone, rest, reflect, journal, read. Learn new things about yourself.

Understand your emotions, where they come from and how to befriend and calm them.

“When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system, your nervous system.  So, the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy, then becomes a source of physiological illness later. “~ Dr. Gabor Mate

Question your thoughts.

Don’t accept every thought you have as fact. Question their validity. Will all your friends leave if you don’t agree with them? Does everyone you meet need to like you?

Make a list of your personal values.

I don’t mean religious or societal values, but your own.

What’s important to you?

What do you cherish?

How do you want to be in life?

What feels aligned with your core beliefs and what doesn’t.

Knowing the answers to these questions will help you know who you are and what is true for you. It will help you stay in integrity.

Dream. What do you like? What do you want? What do you need? Decide to ask for what you want from family and friends instead of hiding your wishes. Go after your dreams of a better job, a different city, a wonderful partner. How will you get what you want if you don’t dream?

2. Understand who you are in relation to others

Now that you understand yourself, your thoughts, emotions, and values well, don’t lie to yourself. Don’t pretend you like someone when you don’t; don’t pretend you’re OK carrying the load of a project when you’re not; Are you really happy with your job or is it killing your soul?

Practice pausing and questioning before accepting requests, demands, or opinions from others.

Pause and check in with your body. Does it feel expanded, free, and peaceful? Or does it feel contracted, shackled with anger and resentment rising?

 This differentiation of sensations, not your thoughts, will help you decide what action to take.

“If it’s causing suffering, if it’s causing stress, if it’s getting between me and love, getting between me and peace or stillness, I’m going to question it. There’s a lie involved here somewhere. My sense of integrity is calling me to examine it.”

~ Martha Beck

Practice saying No to small things at first and extend it to everything you don’t want to do. Remember that saying no is actually saying yes to something else: your highest priorities.

Set boundaries.

Once you know what’s acceptable and not acceptable for you, it will be easy to set your boundaries.

You’ll know automatically that you won’t stay overtime to help someone who didn’t do her work; or you won’t go somewhere against your will and you will act according to this knowledge.

And you’ll definitely not go out of your way buying rude people gifts!

Make friends with like-minded people, those who get you and appreciate you for yourself. You might surprise yourself with the wonderful people that you had not even noticed before when you were so busy pleasing everyone else.

3. Know yourself in relation to Spirit /Higher power/Universe/Nature

Finally, know that you’re part of Spirit, God, The Universe, however you see a greater power.

Know that you have an inner wisdom, a higher self who is always with you, helping you, guiding you. You’re never alone and all you have to do is reach for her.

After the gift incident, I did all these steps and more. I decided to learn my truth and stand in it. I wanted to be free more than I wanted to be nice. I wanted to live in my integrity.

You can do this too.

Saying no, giving your opinion, telling a relative that your feelings get hurt when she speaks to you a certain way, breaking ties with people who don’t appreciate you – all of these will become easy and comfortable for you once you practice.

And what’s more they can be done kindly. With no anger, setting boundaries makes kindness easier because the resentments are gone.

This is not abusing others or stepping into their boundaries. This is respecting yourself and others at the same time. Allowing yourself your truth and others theirs.

Too often we spend our lives looking for love, acceptance, recognition, approval.  We think it’s out there somewhere and it’s going to make us happy once we find it.

But what we’re looking for is inside us; all of it: the love, the acceptance, the compassion and the peace. If we find that love for ourselves, we won’t seek it from others. And loving others will come naturally, without resentment.

Are you a people-pleaser or have you ‘recovered’ from this widespread affliction? Share your thoughts and ideas in a comment below.

If you need help with this, reach out to me on my website. Ledaasmar.com

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: [email protected]