I am having a very difficult experience right now. It’s probably the toughest experience I’ve ever had, even though I can see so much good in it. I’ve been mining for gold in this experience, looking for what it is I need to learn. What is my body asking for right now? What is it teaching me? Well…it’s actually pretty cool, in the end. My body is taking me to the root of many patterns that just don’t serve me anymore. It’s kind of a funny story…

Once upon a time, I got pregnant. Being me, I decided to renovate my business, website, and home at the same time. (Why not, really?) I tend to do life at full speed, foot on the gas. This is how I did my whole pregnancy. I wrote two ebooks, created all new content for my website, ran several telecourses, and continued coaching, training mind-body coaches, teaching, and running Martha Beck Life Coach Training.

What did I actually want to do during my pregnancy?

Lie down. For nine months.

My body felt terrible throughout my pregnancy. I was constantly nauseous. I had hideous heartburn. In the second trimester, I started having this thing where when I sat or stood, my blood pressure dropped so low that I blacked out. For the entire final eight weeks of my pregnancy, I itched all over my body, all the time, and could only sleep in small chunks. I nearly went insane.

Hmmm. I wonder what a mind-body coach would say to me? Um…lie down? Rest? Stop? Stop the madness?

Then, I gave birth. The birth itself went well, but afterward I hemorrhaged. There was a terrifying post-birth period in which the doctor was working frantically on me and the baby nurse was trying to get my daughter, Aela, to breathe. It was incredibly scary.

Thankfully, everything was okay. I brought Aela home, alive and well, and began my recuperation. I was in immense pain, and soon discovered I had an anal fissure from the birth. My muscles around this injury went into a major spasm. (Muscle spasms HURT.) In the end, I required surgery. Post surgery, my muscles went into deeper spasm. I couldn’t sit down, and still can’t, due to the pain.  Physical therapy seems to help in the tiniest of increments, and incredibly slowly.

Then I started feeling terrible in other ways. I lost all remaining tidbits of energy. I felt deeply depressed. I love my daughter so much, and love being a mother, so this felt like the worst kind of torture – not being able to really bring my full energy to motherhood.

I sank into a place of really low self-worth. I felt like I should be able to heal myself. Not only that, I should be able to do so quickly! Why weren’t my mind-body tools “working?” Instead of using self-kindness (probably the most important mind-body tool), I berated myself constantly.

I was running full speed ahead, and then I smacked right into my wall. Splat! I was knocked flat. All the old thoughts, patterns and ways of being that simply aren’t going to work for me anymore came up. My old life pretty much exploded in a large, hot, painful fireball. Well, that’s one way to clear out old patterns. Yeesh!

Having Aela cut straight to the core of me. It forced me to wake up and be reborn right alongside her.

All the usual stuff – my Achilles’ heels, one could say – surfaced. Perfectionism, self-judgment, not asking for help, pushing my body too hard, blaming myself for physical ills, thinking I should never be ill. Kaboom! Kablooey! It was not fun.

Slowly, one-by-one, I started addressing these issues. I started listening to my body and actually resting. I started hearing its messages. I started reaching out. I started learning how to take care of myself in an entirely new way.

I also fought this experience. I felt angry. I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I felt grief. Despair. You name it. Acceptance came only in bursts and bits.

Following intuitive hits, I found a great doctor. It turned out my thyroid has basically said, “Bleeerg. I’m exhausted.” This meant my poor little adrenal glands had to do a lot of extra work, pumping out adrenaline to keep me going. Then they said, “Oooooof. We’ve had it!”

My body has literally used every possible method it can think of to get me to just stop. Lie down. Be. I was really, really avoiding being. I was disconnected from my body. I was actually having trouble using my own mind-body tools. Why? I didn’t want to face some of my painful beliefs, inner truths, and fears.

When I finally surrendered to the being, I was able to finally be kind to myself and to release. The core beliefs around my body were:

I should be able to heal myself.

I should not need help from others to heal.

Being unwell and needing help/love/attention is shameful and should be hidden.

Which is so funny, because last time I went through a mind-body healing process, I did not do it alone! Several years ago I wrote a blog post about how it takes a village. Yet, I guess I still held these beliefs, and I still held myself apart from others as a result. I still wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable and open and loved. I haven’t been loving the part of me that needs help, is in pain, and doesn’t feel well.

I’ve used all the mind-body tools, but I forgot the biggest one of all: community.

Being a life coach, or a mind-body coach, is not about being happy all the time. It’s not about being well or doing well all the time. It’s about being authentic. I needed to clean up this part of my thinking, because it’s holding me back from being fully authentic. If I’m willing to look deeply into the ways I hold myself back, am unkind to myself, and am not loving myself, then I open the door to truly loving and caring for me, mind, body, and soul.

It’s been a really painful lesson. It’s been really hard.  It has felt hellish. It is still hard. My body hurts. I’m exhausted. I’m having hormonal rollercoaster rides from starting the new thyroid medication. I’m bummed out that I can’t drive around and do fun stuff. I am not a fan of lying in bed a lot. I miss my old way of zipping around. I’ve had to learn that my body heals on its own timeline, and I must trust its wisdom.

And yet – I’m (often grudgingly) grateful that I’m tearing down the walls and opening up to a new way of being, of not zipping around, and of loving. And of being loved.  It’s time for me to fling open the doors and say, “You know what? I want community from you all. I can’t heal all by myself. It’s lonely. It’s not fun. It’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

I mean, really!! Seriously!! Would I tell a client to do it all on her own? NO! Never! I would say to trust her body, follow her intuition, and let it lead her to all the healers, teachers, friends, and modalities that are meant to be a part of her healing journey. Mind-body healing isn’t about healing yourself.  It’s not about using only your mind to heal. It’s about honoring all the parts of you and what they need. It’s about becoming aware of thoughts, feeling emotions, hearing intuitive messages from the soul, and learning to trust and love yourself. That’s it. I’m learning all about it, on a whole new level.

Pretty funny, no? Guess I need to change the title of my free ebook, Hear Your Soul, Heal Yourself! Ha ha! It’s not about healing yourself. It’s about loving yourself. That’s what brings true healing, on all levels. I’ve been in what we call my “blind spot” in coaching. I wrote a really helpful complimentary ebook, but I left out a GIANT mind-body concept: opening up to the healing, love, and support you need from others. It cracks me up!

What is loving to my body right now? What is kindness to myself right now? To share all this with you, and to stop trying to go it alone. To let go of my old story that I shouldn’t be unwell, that I should be perfect, that I need to get it together so I can get back to helping others heal and getting stuff done. It’s quite the opposite. I need to share myself, exactly as I am right now, and be loving of this version of me. I need to open gracefully to this lesson. That’s my job right now. That’s love.

So, yeah. Here’s where I am. I’m at home. Lying in bed. My ass still hurts. I don’t feel well. I miss sitting in chairs. (You just don’t appreciate a good chair until you can’t sit in one!) I work in small chunks, rest (when I’m not resisting it), cry when I’m really down, and love my baby.

She seems pretty happy to be with me, nurse, and be loved. In the end, it’s been perfect with her, after all. I’m writing a blog post about that, too – coming soon. Slowing way down has made me the mom I want to be. Slowing down has given me everything, actually. It’s shown me just how much love and connection I was missing out on before. It’s shown me where pride closed doors, and limiting beliefs held me back. It’s shown me how to let myself experience the one energy of which we are all a part. It has given me a deeper spiritual practice. It has given me so much more understanding and respect for emotions and their innate wisdom.

The other day, Donna Reed, a coach friend, visited me. She was inspired to create a healing circle phone call to create support and community for me. She’s the one who made me realize I’ve been missing this vital piece. I am so, so grateful. Thanks to her, I’m using my brand-new (to me) mind-body tool right now. I’m reaching out and asking for connection and healing from all of you. I’m voicing my truth. Right now, I’m having a difficult time. And no matter how much I’m learning, how amazing it actually is, and how grateful I am, it’s still damn hard. I want help. I don’t want to feel alone or be alone.

With that said, you’re invited to the Healing Circle Call! As of publication, plans include coaches Jeannette Maw, Gail Kenny and Diane Hunter leading the vibration-raising and healing!

Where: On the Phone!

Date: Monday, April 8

Time: 12:30 pm PT/1:30 MT/2:30 CT/3:30 ET

Call-In Info: (760) 569-7676

Access Code:      855742

Apparently, I normally try to whiz through life being uber-competent, ahead of the game, and on top of everything. I work fast. I’m efficient. I’ve got things under control. These are the things I used to think.

And then, I had a baby.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You would think that would be enough to teach me that I cannot do life perfectly, alone, uber-competently. And it might have. However, I guess the universe decided that I needed to REALLY learn this lesson, and fast.

To be honest, the Universe was probably right. I really did have fairytale visions of parenting in my head. I’d be pretty perfect at it, in my fantasy. I’d listen to my body, use the mind-body tools, listen to my baby, and all would be rainbows and sparkly fairy-dust. Joy would emanate from my home in large, effervescent bubbles.

I didn’t realize I had this vision in my head until a few weeks ago. Shortly after Aela was born, a lot of stuff started happening. I kept feeling extreme frustration – my body felt awful, I was having trouble with the baby blues, I had NO IDEA what my body was telling me, much less my baby… it felt like a giant mess. I had fully entered The Mess. Pollyanna had left the building.

Then, I realized I had made a huge error. I had planned to be perfect, take on all the responsibilities of motherhood and entrepreneurship and wifehood and be incredible at them, and to use my mind-body tools to make all this happen. In other words, that sneaky old Control Freak had snuck back in under the radar. Yep. I was using the tools to try to control. Everything.

It is indeed possible that the Universe thought I needed a serving of humble pie.

Because really – when you look at that goal, it is ridiculous. I can’t be perfect at motherhood. Or entrepreneurship. Or healing. Or wifehood. And to think I can just do or take care of everything and get it all done all the time is just plain silly.

So, instead, I had to start learning about asking for help. Asking my husband. Asking friends. Asking family. Let myself be incredibly imperfect and vulnerable. Let myself fall apart and be completely re-born. Let myself reach out and show my naked underbelly, and beg someone to rub it kindly and murmur reassuring words.

I had to actually learn much deeper levels of self-compassion and kindness. I’m still learning them, right now. I’m still in the process of learning to ask for help. I’m still learning that I will not do it perfectly – whatever it is – EVER. I’m still learning that there are always life lessons and that when I’m not truly tuning into my soul wisdom, my body will help me. It will remind me to stop pressuring myself by speaking up – sometimes loudly.

So, here I am. I injured my tailbone during childbirth, and it is a very slow healing process. I can’t drive. I can’t sit. On top of that, I needed a small surgery for another childbirth injury and I’m still slowly recovering from that. My pelvic muscles are all tight because I keep pressuring myself to heal faster, be a better mom, be a better wife, etc. You name it; I’m pressuring myself to do it.

My body is teaching me. It’s saying, “relax.” I think it’s funny (sort of) that instead of the rainbows and fairy dust motherhood picture, I’m hobbling around, weeping regularly, lucky to get my baby in matching clothes, and hoping to bathe her sometime soon. I’m seven thousand years behind on thank you notes. I have barely cooked anything at all. I have no idea what I’m doing. I constantly ask for help now, and still have to work on releasing guilt each time I do so. There is not a rainbow in sight.

I cannot control my life with the mind-body tools. I cannot make my body hurry up and heal from injuries. In fact, trying to do so has made them last longer, I’m sure. I can’t make myself perfect. In the process, I seem to have forgotten the whole point of mind-body healing and the tools in general: to return ourselves to ourselves. To hear body, emotion, and soul wisdom. To trust ourselves. To listen. To learn. To surrender. To love ourselves.

I’m working on remembering all this – imperfectly.

To be honest, I was afraid to write this post. I was afraid that if I admitted my truly incredible imperfectness, it would be awful. The world would end. People would be horrified at my incompetence.

And then, I heard my soul wisdom. It said: you must write this post. There are so many people who struggle with the same things, and by being vulnerable and honest, you show them, along with yourself, what true self-kindness and love really is. You show them that it’s ok, too. That we’re all in this together.

I’ve long known that I learn as much from my clients as they do from me, because when we meet up for a session, the Universe delivers wisdom for both of us. I’m only using tools to guide a person back to their own soul wisdom, and it always guides me back to mine. Now I guess I’m expanding that to writing and teaching on a much bigger level. I’m getting more honest with me, which means I’m more honest with you. Which means we all get to hear more soul wisdom.

My soul says:

It’s ok to need others. Truly, we never do anything alone. Ever. We create together, always.

It’s ok to reach out and ask for help. When you don’t, it only gets worse.

It’s ok to be imperfect. That’s how life works. Trying to be perfect creates tension and stress and pain. It’s not alignment.

It’s ok to go through major life upheaval. It’s part of the process. We all have to do it.

It’s ok to heal at my own pace, whatever that is, no matter how many times my mind asks my body to hurry up so that I can go on being uber-competent and perfect, dammit!

It’s ok to be just as I am, right now. Slightly crazy, Mind-Whispering only moderately successfully, emotional on a daily basis, and physically worn down.

It’s ok to get coached, a lot, from amazing coaches. Coaching myself alone during a time like this is sort of like a surgeon trying to perform surgery on herself. It’s kind of a mess. (And this is why I train mind-body coaches! We can’t have enough of them around!)

So, off I go to be more imperfect than I ever imagined, humbled, and hopefully the tiniest bit wiser now as I relearn everything I thought I knew. On a much, much deeper level. I’m pretty sure motherhood alone would teach a person this, but you can’t miss it when your body is not functioning normally. Oh, how I long to sit on a sofa! Ah, someday. When my body is ready.

And now, I’m going to Ask for Help. I’m asking you, my amazing and incredible readers, because together we can connect to our soul wisdom with amazing strength. It’s not just me, writing to you. I get so much out of you writing to me. I love your comments on the blog and always have. I love getting emails from you. I love answering your questions and sharing tools and tips. I know I do that when I invite you into my honest journey here in the trenches. I know I do that when I open the doors and step out vulnerable and real, to talk to you.

The help I’d love right now is just to hear from you in any form, comments, Facebook posts, or emails. I’m feeling tired. I’m feeling bummed out. I’d love encouraging words from mothers. I’d love encouraging words from anyone, about anything. I just want connection with other lovely human beings right now, because the love we all create when we connect is truly healing. So – my love to you all, right now! And thank you for letting me be in your inbox, in your world, and for having been kind enough to me already that I feel safe and loved as I share so honestly with you.

Much Love!

Abigail

This post is part of the “Life in the Trenches” series.