Perfect. What is perfect? I decided to look up the definition and found the following delicious tidbit from Wiktionary, “Having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” – I love that.

I started to wonder, why is this word or concept so loaded for so many of us?  As I read some of the definitions, I notice my body feels relaxed and tingly and slightly giddy – all personal signals I’ve come to recognize when things feel true and right to me.  Yet I noticed yesterday, when I was feeling shame and sadness come up, that I was unconsciously pressuring myself to do ‘authenticity’ perfectly. It felt like being trapped – a constriction to my wellbeing.   

A little back-story … I’ve been practicing showing up more authentically in the world.  It’s looked like connecting and sharing myself more via the Great and Powerful FACEBOOK.  It’s been a mix of feelings for me. Sometimes gratitude and joy, like when I connect with someone and I feel really seen and warm and grateful to be connected to such a lovely being.  My heart feels full, like it’s been dusted with the tiny magic ‘green things’ that made the peach grow in James and the Giant Peach. It feels as big as a house and as sweet and rich as I imagine the peach.

And then other times it feels like embarrassment and shame, like when I shared with someone how much I admired and liked their work and they never acknowledged my comment. I felt like the kid that foolishly talked to the ‘cool kids,’ and they responded with looks of contempt and mocking, saying with their eyes, “Why do you think you can talk to US? You’re not our kind.” I feel small as I remember.

Then the downward spiral of thoughts begins …

Am I doing this right?

Am I really being authentic?

Did I check in with myself before I posted that I liked that person’s work?

If I were doing it right people would respond to me differently and I’d have more ‘Likes.’

Was I just being graspy and hoping they would like me if I complimented them?

Am I trying too hard?

What’s wrong with me?

I must not even know who I am!

And on and on it goes … 

But as I bring the clarifying brilliance of my awareness in, I see that it’s not my desire to do authenticity perfectly that’s the problem – it’s my belief about what perfect authenticity looks like.

I’ve been unconsciously telling myself that being authentic means the same thing for EVERYONE. Things like, if I’m really being authentic I shouldn’t ever censor what I say. I should just blurt things out. I should swear more publicly (I swear enough privately), and I should share my deepest feelings and yearnings with everyone. 

Maybe it would look like that and maybe it wouldn’t. 

I’m reminded of the definition of perfect, “complete of its nature and kind … having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” 

So how can I come back to the harmony of my true nature?

I start by tuning in to my whole self; my body, emotions, mind and spirit.  They are loyal and loving friends that bring me toward my perfect authenticity.

I use the Hotter & Colder Game. I’m like a researcher gathering and recording information.  What in each moment feels like “Hot” – or closer to my authentic nature to these different parts of myself?  What feels like “Cold” –  or inauthentic? 

“Colder” to me feels like closing up, drained, anxious, tense, graspy and icky … like there is not enough and I am not enough.

“Hotter” to me often feels like open, warm, peaceful, strong, content and sometimes joyful and excited. Other times “hotter” feels expansive and scary all at the same time. It reminds me of the Buddha quote about enlightenment, it might not be easy but it tastes of freedom.

It’s about coming back to my OWN personal nature and the common purpose of all the different parts of me.

My experience toward perfect authenticity has been uncomfortable … and yet, discovering my fixed beliefs around it feels like finding the last piece to a difficult puzzle that I loved – knowing that it’s not the last puzzle of my life – there are so many more to tend to. But this one is finished. Complete. In this moment, the parts inside of me are harmonizing. Perfect.    

Endorsed Coach – Linda Bayly-Fennell

I am a Mind-Body Coach and a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. I live in upstate NY with my husband, two elementary school aged kids and our dear and wild Australian cattle dog.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with trying to be the ‘right’ thing … the right person, daughter, friend, employee, mother, wife, coach … whatever it was, I desperately wanted to do it ‘perfectly’ and be ‘good’.  Not a fun way to live. It took its toll on my body and wellbeing.  Through my coach trainings I learned how to tune in to my own internal wisdom, letting it guide me toward what was right for me.  As a coach, I’m here to help you on your journey. My clients appreciate the warm, welcoming, safe space I provide. They also say I’m wise, funny and open…. irreverent and kind.

If you would like to learn more about coaching together, please send me an email.