My Bladder Starts Talking

I experienced my first bladder infection in 1989 at the age of 24.  The pain ripped through my lower pelvis.  Panicked and doubled over I called the doctor.  Like a good patient I took the prescribed antibiotics and thus blossomed my affair with cranberry juice.  Bladder infections or UTI’s as the doctors called them, became my constant companions for two decades and were joined by chronic pelvic pain.

I consulted my first urologist but by no means the last in 1995.   She casually delivered the blow.  “I think you may have Interstitial Cystitis.”  Those words seemed to increase my pain.  The more I obsessed about my symptoms the worse they became.  I believed I was destined to suffer.

My Back Joins the Conversation

The year: 1997.  My fiancé and I drove home from Tahoe with me lying flat on my back in the rear of his car, seats folded down.  Back pain had joined my pelvic pain for the past 18 months and my back hurt too badly to sit upright.  Our weekend consisted of him snowboarding during the day while I read in bed.  I had heard about Dr. John Sarno’s book, Healing Back Pain and finished reading it on the drive home.  Why hadn’t a doctor ever mentioned the possibility of a mind-body connection?

On the drive, we talked about the stress in my life over the past two years.  My mother had suffered severe depression so badly she tried to kill herself not once, but three times and a long-term romantic relationship ended with dramatic flare.  I turned to my fiancé and said, “Honey, I think this doctor is on to something and I’m going to give it a try.”

The next morning my back pain was barely noticeable.  Was that possible?  I stuck with it, continued to call my own mind’s bluff and within a week I went for a jog on the local dirt trail for the first time in over a year.  This was my powerful introduction to the mind-body connection.  My back pain never returned but there was more than a decade to go for me to learn from my bladder.

Throw In A Dose of Autism

In 2002, I gave birth to my first son.  Right after his birth I couldn’t pee without pain and sometimes I couldn’t even go.  This lasted for weeks.  I felt frozen.  I couldn’t will it to happen.  The pain seared through my pelvis.  A specialist from Stanford diagnosed, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and possible Interstitial Cystitis.  Then pile on top my son’s diagnosis of autism at the age of three and I was in a world of hurt.

I tried diets, trigger point massage (that’s just plain awkward having someone else’s hand up your who-ha), antibiotics, pain medication, abstinence, supplements, homeopathy and energy work.  You name it., I likely tried it; all looking outside my own body for the answers.  I didn’t find them there.

I Learn To Decode The Messages

The year: 2009.  I found the answers.  They lived within me.  When I asked for help, they were there, patiently and at times not-so-patiently waiting.

I stood, holding the yoga pose for what felt like hours until my legs began to shake.  Abigail asked, “Do you notice anything coming up?”

“Hell yes!!  Anger.” I answered.  Wow, where did that come from?  Who was I mad at?  I had no idea I was so angry.

“I’d like you to start with free writing.  Just write whatever comes up for you” Abigail suggested.  So I wrote, and I wrote and the stuff I’d been suppression for years began to percolate up through the resistance.

Weeks later, on a call with another coach, the anger began to surface and my body began to shake.  The coach suggested, “Grab the nearest pillow, take a good, deep breath and yell, scream and express the anger in whatever form that allows you to feel it.”

I put the phone down, took a deep breath, shoved the pillow into my face and screamed as loudly and forcefully as I could.  Then I did it again…then again.  I felt the tension release from my body and collapsed.  The tears flowed.  Tears of relief… tears of release…tears of cleansing.  Next came the grief that was buried below the anger.  I blew the doors wide open on my healing journey.

Pain Is The Messenger

Today, I’m full of gratitude for the gifts and wisdom my body provides me every day.  When I open up and listen, I hear my wisdom clearly.  When I stop listening, my body just gets louder until I do.

Clients ask me, “Are you pain-free?”

My answer, “I’m now pain-aware.”

I have many days where my body communicates in whispers and hushed tones so slight I consider it a pain-free day.  When I do experience louder pain, I greet the pain as my teacher and go to work to discover the message.

I delight in moments like yesterday.  The sensation began in my pelvis, like a low-burning fire smoldering in my belly.  When I asked my body for the answers, they were there.  I took several deep breaths, relaxed, did the work and within moments the pain dissipated.  I thank my body daily for the wisdom it carries when I’m open to listening.

With love and healing,

Diane