When working with women clients one of the most frequent issues that comes up is boundaries and the lack thereof.  As women, we seem more predisposed to saying yes, when we want to say no, to being polite and going along versus speaking up and saying what we really think and feel. Don’t get me wrong, men struggle with boundaries too, but heck, this is a women’s magazine!

I have my own struggle with boundaries. If you have followed any of my writing you know that I grew up with an Army Colonel dad. In his household there was little room to disagree or say, “You know, that yelling that you are doing right now? That really isn’t working for me. I’m gonna have to leave if you don’t stop.” To speak up like that was paramount to insubordination, which was met with, well, a strong counter attack. I grew up suppressing my real feelings, thoughts and wants in order to keep the peace and please my father.

Now, of course, that probably isn’t your experience. So maybe you’ll relate to one of my clients.

Georgia is an office manager for a small accounting business that is growing fast. While she loves the work she does Monday through Friday, her boss, the owner, continues to call her on the weekends for emergencies. She has yet to let her boss know the impact of his calls, reasoning that, clearly, it must be obvious.

Tammy’s parents divorced when she was twelve, but both still live in Sacramento. Tammy escaped to the Pacific Northwest and breathes easy having over 750 miles between her and her family. She reluctantly makes her annual pilgrimage home. When in Sacramento Tammy feels like the rope in a tug-of-war, each parent pulling on her, wanting more of her time. Tammy feels unable to speak up and share how extremely uncomfortable she feels.

Sharon has a dear friend who shares common interests in outdoor activities, books and shopping. However, her friend, having gone through a tough divorce, gets incredibly negative when it comes to men. When she starts complaining, Sharon feels like she is being sucked down a big, black hole and doesn’t know how to stop it.

If you relate to any of these gals, read on.  Each is suffering from a lack of being able to boundary effectively in their key relationships.

What is a Boundary?

I frequently hear people say, “I just need to set better boundaries.” Then, when I hear what their “boundaries” are, they sound more like walls, demands or rules others must follow. Sorry gals, those are not boundaries.

So let’s first talk about what Boundaries are NOT:

• They are not tacit. Boundaries do not exist in a relationship unless you speak them out loud, which hopefully starts a dialogue.
• They are not about stopping, controlling or managing someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are about sharing your preferences in a relationship, which are often driven by your core values.
• They are not about rules, obligations or threats. Instead, they are about making choices and are flexible in nature.

Boundaries are personal preferences that you take responsibility for and speak up about, all driven by your core values. They are unique to you and provide you a path for making choices.  So let’s dive in.

Speaking Up

Boundaries are drawn when you define yourself and your preferences out loud. Unless you speak up and share your boundary, other people don’t know they exist. I know, you might think, “Well, isn’t it obvious?”  From your point of view, yes, but the other person may have no idea they are bumping into your boundary. It is your responsibility – however intimidating it may be, to speak up and let the other person know or continue to suffer in silence.

Let’s see how Georgia tried dealing with the boss calling on the weekend. First, Georgia tried ignoring his calls, until the guilt got to her, at which point she would pick up the phone. Next, she scheduled weekend activities, hiking or camping where she didn’t have cell service. This left her tired and cranky. Finally, Georgia snapped.

Saturday when her boss called, she picked up the phone and blurted out “You can’t call me on the weekends!” However, because of the bad cell connection, her boss didn’t hear what she said.  Georgia’s courage evaporated, and she carried on as if nothing was wrong.

That is when Georgia called me.

About Your Preferences

So the tricky part about boundaries is that they are not about someone else and their behavior. Really? Yes. They are about you and your preferences, driven by your core values.

When Tammy was visiting her tug-a-war parents, here is what happened. She was with her Mom when dad called, and Tammy reacted, “You have to stop calling me about visiting you when I am with Mom.”

Now, you might think this seems like an overreaction.  While it is a strong, and maybe effective response, it is not a boundary. It is all about her dad and his behavior and we know don’t know why that’s an issue for Tammy.

Sharon was so fed up with her friend’s complaining tirades about men that when she started in again, Sharon stood up and said, “I’ve had it! Stop being such a victim. You need to move on!” Sharon stormed out of the coffee shop, leaving a stunned and hurt friend alone with her latte.

I got the call from Sharon, in tears, about how she had ruined her relationship shortly thereafter.

How To Set A Boundary

The clients I work with often feel so proud “coming out of the boundary closet” that, as you can see in the three examples, when they finally do speak up, it is not a boundary, but, rather, a demand of how the other needs to change.

The key is slowing down and checking inside as to why is this behavior bothering you. What is the core value that you are bumping into? Once that is recognized it is much easier to make it about you rather than them.

Georgia with the weekend-calling boss needed to figure out what was driving her frustration. What core value was being bumped? Georgia realized that she valued rest and rejuvenation, which the weekend calls interrupted.

She gave it another try, “What I want you to know about me is that I am committed to this job. I give my full focus Monday through Friday. However, I notice you frequently call me over the weekends, which is not working for me. My commitment for my weekends is to rest and recover from the week. So my preference is that I don’t get calls on the weekend. How are you with that?”

The boss was surprised, but appreciated and seemed to respect Georgia’s clarity. He realized that he went into the weekends unprepared so he often called Georgia to fill in the blanks. To solve that issue, they agreed to have an early Friday morning meeting, to get him prepped for his weekend work. Georgia felt strong and empowered.

Tammy with the tug-a-war parents, realized was that the crux of the issue was that she really valued focused quality time with each of her parents. So Tammy talked to both of her parents saying, “When I visit one parent, you each tend to call me with changing scheduled requests. I am uncomfortable trying to manage an emerging schedule. My preference is that we work out the schedule before the visit and then not vary it.”

While her dad agreed and stopped the behavior, her mom continued to both call and text while Tammy was with her dad. As a result, Tammy chose to turn off her phone while she was with her dad.

Sharon with the negative friend, realized that she valued self-responsibility, which was being bumped by listening to her friend continuously blame men for her problems. Here is what she said, “I realize that I got really upset and surprised you. What you probably don’t know, because I haven’t told you, is that I have a hard time being around you when you are venting about men. I am uncomfortable listening to what seems like complaining for too long, because then I think I have to fix it.”

Her friend was hurt but could hear Sharon. Her friend countered with how important it was for her to vent. They agreed that Sharon would listen to her friend for five minutes, but then it was important for the conversation to move on. They had some bumps, but their system worked for them.

Bad News: Not Entitled

And ah, the bad news: You are not entitled to have your boundary accepted or valued by others. I know, that sucks, right? Well, we don’t get to control the world, which is what makes it interesting.

Remember, boundaries are not about changing the other person.

So Why Do It?

Well, because you matter.

Speaking up about how something is impacting you and what your preferences are – is you coming forward on your own behalf. Sure, that person may continue to do the behavior that isn’t working for you, and that is their choice.  Then you have other choices you can make, like Tammy deciding to turn off her phone while visiting her dad.

Keep in mind that when you speak up, stating your boundary, that is only the start of the dialogue. If you can remain curious and open about the other person, you will be amazed at how you may influence each other.

As for me, I have to admit that I still initially make it about other person’s behavior. I know, I know. Kettle, black.  This comes from years of repressing what I felt and trying to manage or control others. These days, my partner Susan is the benefactor of my managing behavior. The good news is, she usually is quick to point out how much I am talking about her “wrong behavior” without sharing what is important to me. Her reflection quickly puts me back in my own shoes, where I get to figure out what core value is being bumped, and then we start to chat.

And in the famous word of Mick Jagger, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try real hard, you just might find, you get what you need.” Sing it with me!

CrisMarie Campbell is a Life Coach and a Business Consultant. She works with women like you to support you to be brave — find your voice, speak up and feel heard. She uses mind-body tools to help you heal from your experiences of conflict from the past. When you do, you feel revitalized, empowered and free! Watch her and her partner’s, Susan Clarke’s, TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It! on YouTube. Find them on Facebook @thriveincmt. Check out their next Be BRAVE. Contact CrisMarie at crismarie@thriveinc.com.

“Argh!!!  My back is so stiff! I can hardly get out of bed. I hate this! Why can’t I get rid of this back pain?!”  This is how most mornings started for me for years.

“I feel like my body is my enemy!”

“Why do I have spent thousands of dollars and hours doing everything recommended: physical therapy, acupuncture, massage, visualizing, taking medication, staying away from certain foods – all in hopes that something is going to fix my back, but nothing works! It’s not fair. What is wrong with me!?”

I know it’s not pelvic pain – that has not been my pain – maybe you have migraines, chronic allergies, or another chronic condition. I am guessing your chronic syndrome might be a bit like my back.

My relationship to my back has been contentious and difficult.

Interestingly enough it wasn’t until I finally decided that this back pain wasn’t going away ever and made the radical decision to go into relationship counseling with my back that things finally began to shift.

Yes – you heard me – relationship counseling – with my back!

My back and I have been doing this relationship work now for a few years.  Our relationship is actually gotten much better!

Truth is I have discovered that my relationship with my back pain is often mirrored out in my world in my other relationships. When I start dealing more effectively and honestly in those relationships both at home and at work – my back and I get along much better!

Frankly, it was easier to get mad at my back pain than express my anger and fear to my partner, colleague, sister, mom, or dad. Well, okay, put any name and there, and it’s been true!

I have spent much of my life feeling like the world was not safe. As a result, I got really good at scanning and watching what those people around me wanted. I changed my behavior to match what I thought made them happy.

My super power became meeting other people’s expectations without even really noticing I was forgetting me.

When it came to my most important relationships at home and at work, I would:

• try really hard to be who I thought they wanted me to be.
• avoid difficult topics.
• say yes when I wanted to say no.

Much of what I was doing was trying to get away from the scary world around me.

I didn’t feel capable of speaking up and saying what was true for me because I was afraid of the other person’s reaction. Will they:

• Get mad at me?
• Leave or abandon me?
• Criticize or punish me?

What I did not understand was that how I was managing the world around me, was also how I was managing the world inside me. I was trying to push away the physical symptoms just like I was trying to avoid the potential disapproval from those around me.

My inner world of physical symptoms kept getting louder, and I just kept trying to fix them the same way I was trying fix my people relationships.

Clearly that was not working. With some inner relationship work, meaning turning towards my symptoms and listening and welcoming the information, I realized just how exhausted my insides were from me managing my outside world!

What I didn’t realize is my back was yelling at me because my body wanted me to learn to speak up and be more honest!

Oh – how I have learned!

Recently, I was visiting my mom, sister, and niece in Portland. My mom was talking about a woman who she thought wore a dress that was too short, revealing her ugly knees.

It didn’t feel right to me. So I spoke up and said, “Maybe that woman really loves how she feels when she wears her dress.”

Mom retorted, “Well she…(fill in the blank with critical, critical, critical comment.)

Instead of staying silent I spoke up again!

“I don’t like talking about someone so negatively. I get that you don’t like ugly knees. You are entitled to your opinion, but I’m not going to sit around and criticize someone else’s knees.”

Mom looked a bit put out, but I felt solid. I spoke up. I said my piece without taking away her opinion.

Previously, I would have laughed it off, gone along, and joined in at the expense of my own knees by throwing my “ugly knees” under the bus.

I didn’t this time.

Guess what?

I slept well and did not wake up with a stiff back!

Now, it is not always that straight forward, but I have found when I am honest, real and take a risk to show and speak up, my body and symptoms like it!

How much are you tolerating?

What is it costing you in terms of satisfaction?

Do you realize the impact to your energy?

How might your pain be related to what you are not saying?

Today, I speak up in all sorts of situations.

The key has been to turn towards those parts of me that have been banished underground and make them matter. Turn towards and be with them – they know what they want me to say!

You can try to get all the love you want from the outside. Honey, you won’t feel it or let it in unless you turn and love yourself.

When I make more of what I am feeling on the inside, I develop a much healthy relationship with my body!

The next time your head pounds, your back aches, your stomach twists in knots, or your pelvic floor is on fire. Turn towards it and say yes, welcome.

Want to learn more about how you can transform your relationships, both inside and outside?

Sign up for Susan Clarke’s and my 6-week transformational program, BE BRAVE – Transform Your Relationships To Reclaim Your Energy, Inspiration and Sense of Freedom.

Want to meet us? Join us for our FREE Webinar: 3 Mistakes Smart Women Make that Leave You Feeling Frustrated, Resentful, and Doing Too Much! Next

Wednesday, June 29 at 1PM MT, or

Thursday, June 30 at 10AM MT.

CrisMarie Campbell is an Endorsed Mind Body Coach, Master Certified Life Coach, Business Consultant and Speaker

Find Your Voice and Play Big!

I coach bright, competent, accomplished women who are weenies when it comes to dealing with conflict in their key relationships, both at home and at work. Yes, their relationships may look good on the outside. Even their work is impressive, but these women are exhausted trying to meet the demands of everyone around them.

The reason it all looks good on the outside is that these women spend vast amounts of energy managing around potential conflicts, but with a severe cost to themselves. They believe they have no choice, they feel trapped and powerless, and they think it’s all up to them to make happen. It’s sad to see these women give up so much of themselves, erroneously thinking they have no choice.

How Do I Know?

I was one of those women. For years, I thought my significant other had an anger problem, my job was too demanding, and my boss was overbearing. I was exhausted, miserable, and felt so terribly alone.

These women are what I call Conflict Avoiders.

Let’s Look How Angie Avoids Conflict

On Monday morning Angie’s boss told her she’d have to work late on Thursday. Angie agreed to do it, but she wasn’t looking forward to telling her husband Travis that their date night was going to have to be cancelled. He was always so reactive.

Monday Evening

Angie lay the groundwork with Travis Monday night at dinner.

Angie: “Geeze, my boss is being such a pain. He’s demanding that we work more hours to get this project done.”

Travis: “Seems like he’s always asking you for extra work. I don’t know why you don’t ask to be switched off that project.”

Angie: “Are you going to be watching any games this week?”

Travis: “I haven’t really thought about it.”

Fast-Forward to Thursday Morning

Angie: “Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, but I’m going to have to work late tonight. I can’t do our date night.”

Travis, frustrated: “That sucks! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I could have made other plans. I hate that you always tell me at the last minute.”

Angie, trying to stay positive: “I asked Sharon if Hank wanted to watch the football game with you tonight.”

Travis exploding: “What the f**k! Oh, my God, stop managing me! I don’t like Hank. Plus, I’m not interested in tonight’s game. We had plans.”

Angie, feeling defensive: “Why do you have to be so inflexible?! You think I want to do this? This is my job. I don’t want to miss date night either. I have no choice, and here you are making me wrong!”

Travis: “I bet you didn’t even tell your boss you had a conflict. Did you?”

Angie just looked defeated.

What Conflict Avoiders Don’t Know

These women don’t yet understand is that conflict isn’t a problem to be solved, managed, or avoided. It is a natural part of any healthy relationship and provides an opportunity to speak up, show up, and engage with another adult who has a different opinion, perspective, or desire.

To some, this view of conflict seems obvious, but to real Conflict Avoiders, any sign of conflict is threatening. A sense of threat floods the body, and they will do anything to resolve it – even if it means throwing themselves under the bus.

I worked hard to overcome my Conflict Avoider tendency. Years later, I’ve found my own voice, my own power, and my tolerance to hang in during conflict. As a result, I have a sense of freedom and empowerment. (Well, most of the time.)

Today, I can easily spot the Conflict Avoiders on the teams we consult with. I coach them to reclaim their voice and their power – both professionally and personally.

Are You a Conflict Avoider?

Through the years, I’ve found that Conflict Avoiders often share a set of similar beliefs and strategies. Take the two tests below to see if you come out as a Conflict Avoider.

Conflict Avoider Belief Checklist

Conflict Avoiders tend to assume or believe that:

• A “good” relationship is one where is everything is smooth.
• A difference of opinion is a very dangerous situation.
• If someone is upset, it’s not safe.
• When someone is upset, it is my responsibility to fix it.

If you checked two or more of the four boxes, you’re probably a Conflict Avoider.

Conflict Avoider Strategy Checklist

Conflict Avoiders work hard at trying to minimize other people’s reactions to new or changing plans, direct feedback, or news. They utilize a variety of strategies in an attempt to get the message across while softening the blow, including:

• Hinting – Rather than saying anything directly, Conflict Avoiders hint at the issue, hoping the other person will pick up on it. This is what Angie was doing when she talked about how demanding her boss was.
• Asking questions – If hints don’t work, Conflict Avoiders move to asking leading questions rather than making statements about themselves, hoping the other person will put the pieces together. Angie also utilized this strategy, when she asked Travis if he was going to be watching any games.
• Burying the lead – In this strategy, the Conflict Avoider disguises the important information by mixing it in with other information.
• Procrastinating – Conflict Avoiders will wait until the last minute to say something, praying that somehow they won’t have to say anything at all. Unfortunately, this strategy often backfires, causing an even bigger reaction. Angie could have told Travis on Monday night about the Thursday conflict, yet she waited until Thursday morning.
• Blurting – Conflict Avoiders are so uncomfortable talking about things directly that they blurt out what they have to say in front of people who may not be involved.
• Managing – Thinking they know best, Conflict Avoiders pre-manage a scenario to try to compensate for the change. Angie did this by seeing if Hank wanted to watch the game with Travis.

If you regularly or repeatedly use three or more of these strategies, you’re probably a Conflict Avoider.

The Impact

What Conflict Avoiders may not realize is that all of the strategies they use to keep things smooth are really ways of not having to deal with the other person’s reaction. In fact, these strategies are designed to control or manipulate people and situations.

Hmm, funny, isn’t it? The very complaint these women have about those demanding, overbearing people in their lives – that they’re too controlling – is the goal of their own conflict avoidance strategies.

How To Become a Straight Shooter

In my own journey from Conflict Avoider to Straight Shooter (okay, closer to straight shooter – I’m a work in progress!) I had to learn things that were foreign to me. Who better to ask for help with this issue than someone who considers conflict a natural part of relating. Susan Clarke, my partner, is that person for me. She, and others like her, have a set of Straight Shooter beliefs and strategies:

Straight Shooter Beliefs

• A difference of opinion is a natural thing. (OMG, really?!)
• They believe: “I don’t have to agree, fix, or manage the other person.” (Wow.)
• Though not always comfortable, emotional reactions, even strong ones, don’t need to be avoided.

I know, right?! Unbelievable. So what type of strategies do these people use?

Straight Shooter Strategies

Say what you think, feel, and want directly.

They see their situation or opinion as their own truth not the absolute truth. I’m often surprised that my opinionated partner, Susan, will actually shift her opinion based on other input. (Including mine!)

Let people react without trying to take it away or fix it.

They simply give people the space to have their own reactions. In fact, they often listen and reflect back how they believe the person is feeling, without making the other person’s reaction wrong.

Don’t take the blame

They consider the other person to be an able, resourceful adult who can solve problems on their own or in partnership. Amazingly, they don’t seem to believe that they are unsafe if someone is distant (upset with them).

Back To Angie

Hopefully, looking back at the original scenario, you can now detect the signs that Angie is suffering from being a Conflict Avoider.

This is not to say that her husband isn’t at times demanding, overly loud, or angry. But Angie plays a part in his reaction when she doesn’t take responsibility for speaking up and saying what is true, early and directly. She does the same thing with her “demanding” boss, by not telling him she has a personal conflict.

Imagine if Angie had not avoided conflict.

Angie: “Travis, I don’t like it, but I have to work Thursday night. I’m not willing to say no to my boss this time, so I have to cancel our Thursday date night. I imagine you might be upset, but I wanted to let you know. If you need to vent, go ahead.”

Travis may get angry, but now he can decide how he wants to spend his Thursday night and if he wants to fight about this issue for the next few days.

Summary

I say to you Conflict Avoiders out there: It is up to you. You can continue to try to meet the demands of everyone around you or you can realize that you can speak up and say what you think, feel, and want directly and early. Yes, people will have feelings and reactions, but you don’t have to take that away from them. The other person is an able, resourceful adult. So are you.

CrisMarie Campbell is a Coach, Consultant and Speaker at thrive! inc. Clients refer to CrisMarie and her partner, Susan Clarke, as “The Team Doctors” because they focus on the health of the team in order to get the team to smart business results. They recently released their TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!, where they spoke on Conflict is an Energy Source for Innovation, Creativity, and Transformation. You can contact CrisMarie at thrive@thriveinc.com.

We all have stresses in our lives. However, when a situation feels like it’s too much to handle, we get triggered into a fight, flight, or freeze reaction.

The problem isn’t the stress. The problem is that we don’t work with our reactions and let our system settle in the midst of the stress or afterwards.

Maybe you’ve gotten stuck in a chronic stress response, thinking that your stressed state is normal. My goal is to help you interrupt that chronic stress state, settling your system so that you discharge your stress naturally throughout your day.

Walk Much?

Imagine yourself walking in a mall. You’re shopping, carrying loads of bags full of goodies and your too-heavy purse. Someone calls your name. You turn to look over your shoulder to find the person and suddenly you trip, spewing everything all over. Ugh!

Many of us would be so embarrassed we’d pop right up, hopefully before too many people saw, and merrily chirp, “I’m fine, really! Just fine.” We’d quickly gather our bags while trying to make polite conversation with the person who called our name, starting with asking them, “So how are you?!”

Unfortunately in our culture, a mishap like this can trigger feelings of embarrassment, worry about looking bad, or feeling too emotional. We disconnect or suppress how we feel, what’s going on inside. Instead, we turn our attention to the other person, avoiding looking out at others, not realizing until we get home that we scraped our knees when we fell.

“Shake It Off!”

A more helpful stress release reaction after being in a triggering situation is to allow emotional energy to flow, to talk about it, notice body sensations, and shake.

Yes, I said shake. Have you ever seen two dogs fight or scuffle with each other? The first thing they do after they separate is shake. This is their nervous system discharging the energy of the fight.

Cue Taylor Swift’s song “Shake It Off!”

Our systems are wired the same way, but – unlike those dogs – we get into chronic, tight stress states and don’t allow our bodies to discharge the stress. We pretend we’re fine. All the while, that stress energy is trapped in our nervous systems, reducing our resiliency when the next stressful event occurs.

So shake it off. Let that shakiness be there because it is how our bodies naturally discharge stress. Let your hands move, your legs wiggle. Allow your body to move in order to reduce the stress and settle down.

You Are Not Crazy

People come to me and say, “I don’t want to be so sensitive!” Sorry, sweetie. Welcome to the human condition.

You are not crazy. Our minds, at their steady state, naturally scan for danger. Our bodies are wired to be sensitive and reactive, to deliver a fight, flight, or freeze reaction, as necessary.

Why?

Paranoid Ancestors

Let me take you back to when saber-toothed tigers roamed the earth and our Homo sapiens ancestors gathered around the fire to keep warm.

If you were sitting around the fire when someone heard a noise in the dark, and you said, “Hey dude, chill. It’s probably just Fred getting firewood,” you were dinner.

On the other hand, if you were overly cautious, shouted, “OMG! What the heck is that noise?!” then jumped to your feet and shouted, “Run!” you and your buds survived.

Those slightly paranoid campers are our ancestors. This is what we have to work with.

What Happens When We’re Triggered

When you’re triggered by stress, you’re no longer present; you’re off balance and don’t have access to all your resources for handling the situation well.

Physiologically, your focus narrows and your breathing changes. You’re not thinking with your whole brain. In fact, when triggered, the body moves resources (blood and oxygen) from some parts of the brain and body to other parts to prepare for fight, flight, or shutting down altogether and freezing like a scared possum.

That is not an optimal state for problem-solving or relationship-building, yet this is how many of us walk around every day.

What to Do to Balance

Here are some more tools for helping you bring yourself back into balance from a triggered state so that you have access to more of your resources in the moment.

This will help you discharge the stress energy and stay connected to you – meaning connected to what’s happening inside you and aware of your environment – and provide you with more resources to work with for the situation at hand.

The tools below can be done while waiting in line, or sitting at your computer, or the dinner table. Other people will likely not even notice you’re doing them.

Expand Your Focus

When we’re under stress, our focus becomes narrow, our attention zeroing in on either something in the environment or on our internal thoughts. The simple tool of orienting helps expand focus and increase access to our resources.

Orienting

When you notice yourself in a narrowly focused state, gently and slowly look to your left and notice something you haven’t seen before. Pause and let it in. Now turn your head s-l-o-w-l-y and gently in the other direction and do the same thing – pause and notice. Continue doing this for a couple of minutes.

Try doing this now and notice how your body feels. Does your breathing change? What do you feel in your body? Are you aware now that you have a body?

Connect to Your Physical Body

When stressed, we often disconnect from our physical body and focus on someone else in our environment or obsess about the problem so we can work out how to fix it. Our physical bodies can’t help but be aware and in the present moment. When triggered, a key way to recover is to connect to your body more consciously as a resource.

Grounding – Feel Your Feet and Your Seat

If you are sitting, focus on your feet, maybe wiggle your toes or swipe your feet back and forth. See if you can imagine your feet getting heavier. Then, feel your bottom and your back being supported in your chair. Relax into the support of the chair.

If you are standing, feel your feet on the ground. Shift your weight to the other foot. Feel your connection to the earth.

With practice, people report feeling more settled after doing this. Try it now and see what you notice.

Be Your Best

The tools above can help you settle your nervous system when you’re triggered. Experiment to discover which ones work for you. You can also come up with your own tools. The goal is to be settled and present versus triggered into a fight, flight, or freeze state.

When you’re settled, you’re at your best. You take care of you and more easily address the situation at hand.

Back To the Mall

Let’s go back to the mall. There you are on the floor with all your personal items spewed around you on the floor. Instead of quickly jumping up and chirping, “I’m fine!” you take a minute to feel your body on the ground and notice what hurts. You look down and notice your scraped knees. Maybe you say, “Ouch!” and make some contact with your knees.

Slowly, you bring your feet underneath you and feel their contact with the floor. You then turn your head s-l-o-w-l-y to orient yourself to your environment. You see your friend and say, “Wow, I am so embarrassed.” You take your time notice your breath, and then ask, “Can you please help me?” Right there you’ve done something different and supported your nervous system to discharge some of the stress. And you and your friend have a very different conversation, one that’s more present and more real.

CrisMarie Campbell is a Coach, Consultant and Speaker at thrive! inc. Clients refer to CrisMarie and her partner, Susan Clarke, as “The Team Doctors” because they focus on the health of the team in order to get the team to smart business results. They recently released their TEDx Talk: Conflict – Use It, Don’t Defuse It!, where they spoke on Conflict is an Energy Source for Innovation, Creativity, and Transformation. You can contact CrisMarie at thrive@thriveinc.com.