The idea that this was causing my body to react with tension and pain really blew my mind. And, it made so much sense. It was, truly, the only logical explanation for the sudden, out-of-nowhere chronic pelvic pain syndromes I’d developed; vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis. Every other explanation lacked the simplicity and clarity of that one, and so I decided to use a mind-body healing approach to my syndromes.

In doing so, not only did I eliminate the pain syndromes, but I changed every single aspect of my life for the better. Why? Because I changed the driving force behind all of my actions and decisions.

I used to act from fear. Fear of not being perfect or good enough. Fear of not succeeding. Fear of people not liking me. Fear of something failing or falling apart. Fear of messing up. Fear of losing something or someone.

When you look at it like that, it’s quite a lot of fear. Fear, unfelt and un-faced, remains within the body. This causes tension and stress…and pain.

To heal my body and mind, I had to find the antidote to a fear-based life.

What’s the antidote?

A love-based life.

I had to learn how to make all choices, actions, and decisions based on love.

In every moment, there’s a fear-based focus and a love-based focus. The fear-based focus says, “I have to do/should do x,y, or z because something bad might happen.” The love-based focus says, “I am choosing this because it feels right, and it feels like love.”

A love-based life means asking myself if what I’m thinking or doing is because I love me and want to care for me, or because I’m afraid of something.

I have to stop and pay attention. Am I tense? Holding my breath? If so, I’m trying not to feel fear. It’s time to connect to myself, be aware of the fear, and find my way back to love.

If I love me, I don’t have to be perfect, good-enough, or responsible for the whole world. I can just be.

If I love me, I can treat myself with kindness instead of criticism.

If I love me, I can choose actions because they feel joyful, loving, and fun.

Now, I listen deeply to the truth in my heart. From there, I choose to eat foods I love. I choose to enjoy activities I love. I choose to work in a career I love, in ways that I love.

Before anything can become a part of my life, it has to pass the love test. If it doesn’t feel absolutely right and loving for myself, then it doesn’t pass.

This love-based life has given me my health back. It’s given me my life back – only it’s a much better life! It’s given me the work I love, the child I love, and so much more.

Choosing to love me and to live a love-based life healed my body and united me with my spirit.

In April of 2014, I moved from Wyoming to Colorado. With a toddler. (I feel like that statement is an important addendum to pretty much everything. I used the restroom – with a toddler. I cooked dinner – with a toddler.)

Moving is probably my least favorite thing, ever. EVER.

Moving is not only stressful, but it’s an enormous transition. My husband and I have done it many times in our married life, and so I knew what I was in for, pretty much. (Except for the “with a toddler” part.)

With any major life transition comes an opportunity for my mind to create a mind-body syndrome. (Also known as TMS, or tension myositis syndrome.) In his book, The Mindbody Prescription, Dr. John Sarno lists all the various life stressors that can bring on TMS. Moving is pretty high up on the list, so I was on high alert during the transition. The mind can be pretty cagey, and when things get overwhelming and it doesn’t want to face them, it will start suppressing emotions, engaging in thought patterns that aren’t helpful, and generally creating enough tension in the body to start a pain syndrome.

 Having dealt with and recovered from a variety of forms of TMS in my body in the past (including vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis), I am pretty aware of the whole pattern. However, that doesn’t mean I’m immune to TMS. In fact, Monte Hueftle, a fellow mind-body coach, suggests that those of us with mind-body syndrome will always have it, and that our minds will create symptoms if we don’t stay aware of our emotional inner experience. The syndrome only becomes active when we’re NOT aware of the inner emotional landscape. I could not agree more!

Having mind-body syndrome is not a life sentence. It’s simply a great piece of self-awareness. If you know that you have had TMS before, you know that you can have it again. But that’s not a problem – it’s simply a thing to know about yourself. Then, you can stay aware and stay tuned in to yourself.

During a major transition, my suppression tendencies kick in and I start avoiding my emotions, not connecting to myself, and burying important truths from myself. Knowing this, I paid attention as we began the moving process, staying as aware as I possibly could. All was well until about a month after we’d settled into our new house.

One day, I noticed a twinge in my knee. A few days later, it seemed a bit worse. My mind started to ponder it. Had I twisted it? Had I fallen? I couldn’t remember. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. TMS! Post-move syndrome, for sure.

I wasn’t excited, by any means, to have a bit of TMS showing up, but I also felt relief. I am so familiar with good ol’ TMS that I just employed the basic process I always use. I connected with my body each day, felt my emotions, worked with mind-patterns that were causing stress, and re-connected with my inner wisdom.

I’ve spent so much of my life tweaking how I release TMS when it shows up that I’ve created a fairly efficient system. Working with clients has forced me to get really clear, really simple, and really focused with my techniques, which definitely comes in handy when I need to help myself.

I call this process I’ve developed the KIND Process.

I had completely let my daily practice of the KIND Process go during the month after we moved (with a toddler!). As a result, my mind was going into its old stress patterns and pain was showing up. A quick redirect back to my TMS self-care program and the knee pain vanished.

I’m sharing this story because I know many of you worry that your physical pain won’t be relieved by a TMS practice. I’ve tested it out yet again (you’re welcome!) and am here to tell you, it works. The mind creates tension and pain when we’re disconnected from ourselves, and it’s really as simple as a quick reconnection process to heal ourselves.

It’s even smarter to do this connection as your maintenance plan.

Sometimes you might forget or simply get off track, but in the end, it’s ok. You can ALWAYS get back on track again.

If you’d like to learn the efficient process I’ve created after over ten years of self-healing and six years of coaching others around TMS/mind-body syndrome, then hop on over to sign up for the Kindness Community interest list. The community is going to be the home base for everything I create in the near future. It’s where I’ll teach you the KIND Process, other mind-body tools I use for myself and clients, and how self-kindness creates healing on all levels.

Just about once or twice a day, my tendency toward perfectionism rears its head. It’s a trait I’ve had from birth, according to my mother. I’ve become well-acquainted both with its usefulness and how it often gets in my way.

When I first read Dr. John Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I recognized myself in his personality traits list – the list that describes those of us who have a tendency toward mind-body pain syndromes (or what he calls TMS). It immediately made sense to me that perfectionism only increases my internal stress. With all that self-pressure, it’s not a big leap to make from loads of stress to physical tension to pain.

Since that moment, I have been exploring perfectionism, both to release self-pressure and to help my clients with the same issue. I knew it would benefit me to learn how to slack off, but I couldn’t quite release my perfectionism. It’s very well ingrained in myself and my clients. What can we do about this? How can we deal with this trait without perfectionism itself popping in and saying we need to handle perfectionism perfectly? See the challenge here?

The good news is, I’ve learned a lot about perfectionism. I’ve come up with a few tactics to deal with it so that we can enjoy freedom from pain, less stress, and more creative flow. I’ll explain one tactic today, and then I’d love to hear your feedback on how it works for you.

First, it’s important to recognize that perfectionism helps just as much as it hinders. Like everything, it’s all about balance. Too much perfectionism, or using it on everything in your life, creates blocked creativity, inability to move forward, and piles of stress. No perfectionism, however, creates slipshod work, missed details, and frustration.

Of course, it is important to remember that things actually can’t be done perfectly. It’s just the innate human experience – there will be little flaws. Your version of perfect is someone else’s version of flawed, and vice-versa. It’s a very subjective thing, perfection.

The Three Steps to Calm Your Inner Perfectionist

1) Recognize and Observe…

your mind’s desire to make something perfect. This takes a bit of practice.

Notice when you feel stressed throughout the day. Each time to notice stress show up or increase, ask yourself the question: Am I trying to do something perfectly? Really look closely. Peek into the corners of your mind. Your mind might say, “Oh, no, I’m not trying to do it perfectly. I just want to get it right.” Er… That’s just a sneaky version of perfectionism. I often notice I like to increase my stress by trying to do things both perfectly and in a rush. Gack!

The more you simply observe yourself, the more you will learn. You’ll begin to see patterns – areas in your life where you do put a lot of pressure on yourself to do it perfectly, or specific repeated perfection patterns. Don’t underestimate the power of simple observation. It’s not necessary to observe perfectly, of course. Simply do it as much or as little as you want. You can write your observations down in a notebook, if that helps.

2) Prioritize your Perfectionism

Once you’re aware of perfectionism in this moment, you can employ step two. Since real perfection does not exist, you get to decide how perfectly you actually want to do whatever you’re doing right now. First, remind yourself that real perfection is impossible. (Even if your mind disagrees with this, it helps to say it to yourself.) Second, decide if this is a moment where you’d really like to give it your all, or if this is a moment where you could get by with anywhere between 40-60% effort. (Or less!) It is important to prioritize your perfectionism. Not everything really needs every ounce of your effort and your very best skills. Save the big guns for when you really need them, or when you’ll enjoy tweaking and playing with something until it’s perfect – in your opinion, of course. Saving your energy for when it’s really needed allows you to be far more productive.

3) Break it Down

You only need step three if you’ve decided to go ahead and give it your all. This is a really useful way to relax your perfectionism, which will actually allow you to do your best work without getting stymied by the desire to do it perfectly.

Break your project into two parts. For the first part, decide that you are going to use 80% of your skills/talents/effort. The first part may be broken down into smaller parts, too, such as drafts or separate pieces of your project. However you do it, only use 80% of your abilities, and shoot for 80% perfection.

For the second part of your project, you can allow yourself to go back and tweak, if you think it’s necessary. This is where you can employ the beneficial side of your perfectionism skills. For this last part of your project, you get to look through it and decide if you’d like to shoot for 95% anywhere. Look to see if you want to add to it, edit it, change it, or improve it. However, before you actually make these changes, really do the assessment piece. Can you get by with your 80% work? Does it get the job done? Are you spending more time on this project than you’d like, which means maybe 80% is going to have to do? Get external feedback, if you want. Do others think it’s great, and can’t see why you’d change it? This will help you find that sweet spot between not enough and over the top as far as effort and time spent goes.

By allowing yourself that final piece of perfectionism, you can relax while you’re doing your 80% work. This is an important element, because shooting for 150% is practically guaranteed to create stress, stop your creative flow, and stop you in your tracks. 80%, on the other hand, gets it done. However, I’ve worked with enough clients to know that sometimes it’s terrifying to shoot for 80% after a lifetime of trying to nail 150%. This is why you can give yourself the leeway of the two-step plan.

So, to recap, it’s 1) Observe 2) Decide whether or not you need your perfectionism skills in this moment 3) Break your project down into two parts – 80% and then the final check.

This plan will help you to create balance. You’re not trying to eradicate your perfectionism. Instead, you are trying to allow it to help you when it can and calm it down when it can’t. In the end, you’ll find much stress relief as you prioritize your perfectionism instead of working really hard and using tons of mental energy on every single thing you do.

My Bladder Starts Talking

I experienced my first bladder infection in 1989 at the age of 24.  The pain ripped through my lower pelvis.  Panicked and doubled over I called the doctor.  Like a good patient I took the prescribed antibiotics and thus blossomed my affair with cranberry juice.  Bladder infections or UTI’s as the doctors called them, became my constant companions for two decades and were joined by chronic pelvic pain.

I consulted my first urologist but by no means the last in 1995.   She casually delivered the blow.  “I think you may have Interstitial Cystitis.”  Those words seemed to increase my pain.  The more I obsessed about my symptoms the worse they became.  I believed I was destined to suffer.

My Back Joins the Conversation

The year: 1997.  My fiancé and I drove home from Tahoe with me lying flat on my back in the rear of his car, seats folded down.  Back pain had joined my pelvic pain for the past 18 months and my back hurt too badly to sit upright.  Our weekend consisted of him snowboarding during the day while I read in bed.  I had heard about Dr. John Sarno’s book, Healing Back Pain and finished reading it on the drive home.  Why hadn’t a doctor ever mentioned the possibility of a mind-body connection?

On the drive, we talked about the stress in my life over the past two years.  My mother had suffered severe depression so badly she tried to kill herself not once, but three times and a long-term romantic relationship ended with dramatic flare.  I turned to my fiancé and said, “Honey, I think this doctor is on to something and I’m going to give it a try.”

The next morning my back pain was barely noticeable.  Was that possible?  I stuck with it, continued to call my own mind’s bluff and within a week I went for a jog on the local dirt trail for the first time in over a year.  This was my powerful introduction to the mind-body connection.  My back pain never returned but there was more than a decade to go for me to learn from my bladder.

Throw In A Dose of Autism

In 2002, I gave birth to my first son.  Right after his birth I couldn’t pee without pain and sometimes I couldn’t even go.  This lasted for weeks.  I felt frozen.  I couldn’t will it to happen.  The pain seared through my pelvis.  A specialist from Stanford diagnosed, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and possible Interstitial Cystitis.  Then pile on top my son’s diagnosis of autism at the age of three and I was in a world of hurt.

I tried diets, trigger point massage (that’s just plain awkward having someone else’s hand up your who-ha), antibiotics, pain medication, abstinence, supplements, homeopathy and energy work.  You name it., I likely tried it; all looking outside my own body for the answers.  I didn’t find them there.

I Learn To Decode The Messages

The year: 2009.  I found the answers.  They lived within me.  When I asked for help, they were there, patiently and at times not-so-patiently waiting.

I stood, holding the yoga pose for what felt like hours until my legs began to shake.  Abigail asked, “Do you notice anything coming up?”

“Hell yes!!  Anger.” I answered.  Wow, where did that come from?  Who was I mad at?  I had no idea I was so angry.

“I’d like you to start with free writing.  Just write whatever comes up for you” Abigail suggested.  So I wrote, and I wrote and the stuff I’d been suppression for years began to percolate up through the resistance.

Weeks later, on a call with another coach, the anger began to surface and my body began to shake.  The coach suggested, “Grab the nearest pillow, take a good, deep breath and yell, scream and express the anger in whatever form that allows you to feel it.”

I put the phone down, took a deep breath, shoved the pillow into my face and screamed as loudly and forcefully as I could.  Then I did it again…then again.  I felt the tension release from my body and collapsed.  The tears flowed.  Tears of relief… tears of release…tears of cleansing.  Next came the grief that was buried below the anger.  I blew the doors wide open on my healing journey.

Pain Is The Messenger

Today, I’m full of gratitude for the gifts and wisdom my body provides me every day.  When I open up and listen, I hear my wisdom clearly.  When I stop listening, my body just gets louder until I do.

Clients ask me, “Are you pain-free?”

My answer, “I’m now pain-aware.”

I have many days where my body communicates in whispers and hushed tones so slight I consider it a pain-free day.  When I do experience louder pain, I greet the pain as my teacher and go to work to discover the message.

I delight in moments like yesterday.  The sensation began in my pelvis, like a low-burning fire smoldering in my belly.  When I asked my body for the answers, they were there.  I took several deep breaths, relaxed, did the work and within moments the pain dissipated.  I thank my body daily for the wisdom it carries when I’m open to listening.

With love and healing,

Diane

I’ve noticed that my responsibility habit comes up whenever I have a perceived failure.  My inner perfectionist really does not do well with so called failure, and she instantly starts beating me with a litany of reasons I should have done a better job, have let everyone down, could have done more…and on and on.

I realize this does not help any situation, but the old pattern sometimes takes over before I’m aware of it.  I find myself feeling terribly guilty that so-and-so is upset, certain that it is all my fault.  Which of course, it isn’t.  And taking that on never helps the person who is feeling upset.

I mention this old habit because it might be something that plagues you, too, every now and then.  When I read Dr. John Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I noticed a strong similarity between myself and the typical person who has mind-body pain.  Strong as in I had all of the traits on the list.  So do most of my clients.

So, guys, let’s do something useful with this responsibility-taker within us.  Let’s do something outrageous.  Instead of thinking something like, “I must eradicate this responsibility-taker within me to get rid of my pain,” let’s get a little wild.

Let’s embrace the responsibility-taker.

Let’s take a look at how that part of us serves us.

It makes us reliable, helpful, dependable, useful, and good team members.  It’s only when we take more than our share of responsibility that we get ourselves into trouble (as in stress – the kind that cannot be relieved, because it isn’t our stress to begin with) and therefore, pain.

I find that when I embrace parts of myself that are causing a problem in my life, I am able to relax.  I am able to see why that part of me exists, how it helps me, and why I don’t really want to get rid of it.  And yet – I don’t have to be a slave to it, either.  I don’t have to be doomed forever with this personality trait.  It’s simply one small piece of who I am, and when I observe it, I detach from it peacefully.  I simply notice I’m falling into that habit, which gives me a moment to decide whether or not I’d really like to do that.

This week, I would rather not take more than my share of responsibility.  So, to all those people who are going about their own lives, unaware of me and my responsibility-taking, I gently return to you your own emotions, issues, and stresses.  I have the confidence that you have what it takes within you to run your own life.

I have to tell you – that feels very good.  Ahhhh.  But don’t take my word for it!  Try it yourself.

Mark your calendar!  It’s time for another FREE CALL around here!

This one is MOST exciting and yet…restful.

Join me for a fantastic free call with Intentional Resting creator Dan Howard.  What is Intentional Resting?  It’s a simple, straightforward method of releasing mental and physical tension, being present, and feeling great.  It’s a PERFECT tool to add to your mind-body healing toolbox, because it is so effective at releasing the fight or flight response from your body.

I consider myself to be fairly mind-body proficient – maybe even a little mind-body nerdy!  I spend lots of time experimenting on myself to find ways to get even more relaxed, even more aware of my body’s messages, and even more present.  I read piles of books on this subject.  I consistently practice a variety of techniques.  And Intentional Resting is now at the top of my list!  I love it.  It’s extremely effective.  It’s one of those tools that will reduce pain in the moment very quickly, but used over time can be even more powerful.  Think preventative medicine.  I’ve been particularly busy lately with tons of fabulous, fun, and exciting opportunities.  I’ve used Resting to navigate the busy yet fun time without getting completely exhausted or crashing into adrenal burnout.  Resting is something that will help you on a variety of levels – physical tension/pain, emotional stress, an overactive mind, and more.

So – please join me as I interview Dan about Intentional Resting!  He will take us all through a Resting practice and explain how this helps relieve pain and create health.  This one is a must!

Intentional Resting with Dan Howard

Tuesday, May 25

6 PDT/7 MDT/8 CDT/9 EDT pm

To download the call recording, CLICK HERE.

Time: 5 PT/6 MT/7 CT/8 ET

The Power of the Mind-Body Connection: Less Stress, Less Pain, More Freedom

4 Steps to start using today!

Did you know that reducing your anxiety, stress, and tension can be the single-most powerful way to reduce pain?

• It’s not just theory, and it’s not just one of those “New Age” ideas.  It’s hard science.

Maybe you’ve even heard your doctor mention this idea, but you have no idea how to translate the concept into action.

• Mind-Body healing gives you the tools and knowledge to actually achieve stress-reduction and feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically.

But it’s not always easy to know where to start, and even if you’ve already begun investigating mind-body healing, you might be feeling overwhelmed, confused, or frustrated.

• Perhaps you’ve even implemented ideas from well-known Mind-Body experts like Dr. John Sarno, but aren’t quite sure how to really make it work in your life, with your pain or health issue.

In my own life and in my work with clients, I boil the whole process down to 4 straightforward parts:

1. Understanding
2. Awareness
3. Focus
4. Persistence

In this telecourse, I will explain each step and give you easy-to-use tools.  You’ll also learn the core concepts everyone needs to know about mind-body healing.  You’ll learn the science behind it and the tools to make it work.  You’ll find it simple to build on those to create your own personal mind-body plan.

Find out:

1. Why negative thoughts and emotions can result in physical pain.
2. How to effectively address negative thoughts and emotions.
3. Common issues that create roadblocks in mind-body healing.
4. How to asses your personal issues and begin integrating the 4 steps into your life.

There will also be a question and answer section, so email me with any questions you would like addressed.  I will be talking a little bit about my own experience with pelvic pain syndromes, but the class is really directed toward anyone with any kind of pain issue who wants to explore this mind-body concept further.

Details You’ll Want to Know

To Register, Click REGISTER NOW

• You cannot take the course without registering.

• The call will be recorded for future purposes.  You can choose to remain anonymous if so desired.

• If you cannot make the class day and time but would like a recording, register for the class.

• All participants will receive a recording via email after the class.

• If you’ve never taken a telecourse before, don’t worry.  It’s super easy.  Once you register, you’ll be given a telephone number (long distance charges apply) and an access code.  Simply dial the number on the 19th at the appropriate time (double check your time zone) and follow the prompts.

• Skype will work just fine.
  

You are welcome to talk to me and ask questions during the class.  If you prefer to simply listen in, I understand.  Do what feels comfortable to you.  If you are willing to share, I welcome your input, as that will make the learning experience better for everyone.  (Besides, I love meeting you all, even if I only get to hear your voices!)

It’s really astonishing to discover the power of perfection-based thinking and how deeply it insinuates itself into your life.  It’s equally astonishing to discover what it’s like to no longer act on the perfection-based thinking.  I want to share my self-discovery process with you, because it will definitely be relevant if you’re wanting to use a mind-body approach to healing, and it will be the clearest, easiest way to present what I’ve learned.

So – here we go! It will take many posts and many months, but I’m inviting you into my inner world, stripping away all of the “social self” fronts and covers, and telling it like it is.  I used to feel afraid to show the world my “real self,” or “essential self” as we say in coaching.  I didn’t want people to know I wasn’t always on top of things or that sometimes I didn’t have it all together.  I was afraid to be truly authentic and open – because I really did believe I had to be perfect.  Not believing that anymore is like unzipping my tight perfection-suit, stepping free, and gulping in deliciously fresh air.  It feels like I can breathe.  It feels like freedom.  My body also seems to really, really love it.

When I first read Dr. John Sarno’s The Mindbody Prescription, I immediately recognized myself as the perfect personality type for a mind-body syndrome.  Only now, however, do I really see just how deep that runs, and just how complicated it can be to step out of those mental habits and see them clearly.  I am ready to share my complete, imperfect self with all of you, because I know it will be a relief.  If you see what I experience, in my mind, in my emotions, as I continue to live the mind-body lifestyle, you will see that you, too, do not need to be perfect.  You will see where you are creating problems for yourself without even realizing it.  You will get a taste of freedom.

In Martha Beck coaching, our basic philosophy is to be transparent, authentic, and open.  I want to bring this to my blog this year in every way possible.  If I share my lessons, you get to learn.  If I share my imperfections, you get to open your mind to self-acceptance.  If I share my process, you get to see how to integrate mind-body healing into your life for as long as you live.

My clients often see my life as “perfect,” or they think I do “have it all together,” always.  Nope. So I think if you see me (someone who is passionately devoted to inner work and in fact does it for a living) fall flat on my face, get back up, and keep on going without the world ending, you’ll be able to breathe a big sigh of relief.  If you’re anything like my clients, you are putting pressure on yourself to “get this right” to “stop failing” and “heal already, dammit.”   You are the slave-driver, whipping yourself to a bloody pulp.  I know this, because I do it, too.

You see, I am seriously passionate about mind-body healing and the powerful inner work that brings the results I desire.  I implement this work into my life with enthusiasm and joy.  I do the work!  I walk the talk!

Except when I don’t.

Except when I don’t do a damn thing I know to do, and then sit in a confused heap, angry at myself and not able to see where I’m lost.  I have so many past examples of this to choose from I don’t even know where to start.  I’ll share as many of them as I can, but I have a sneaking suspicion new examples will also pop up frequently.  You see, this is how it works.  We really aren’t perfect.  Really. For real.  As in, just normal old humans, doing our best, even when it seems like we can’t get anything right.  Even when we’re in the midst of beating ourselves up for being whatever it is we don’t want to be anymore, we are doing our best.  And the moment will come when we sit up and notice what we’re doing and decide not to anymore.  And the moment will come when we turn around and do it again.  It’s always like that.

Moving into a place of self-acceptance means knowing we’ll fail.  Knowing we’ll make mistakes.  Counting on it, in fact.  That’s reality.  But these failures and mistakes really need to be seen as “failures” and “mistakes.”  They are simply our learning ground, and will be, forever.  Perhaps we’ll make new ones.  Perhaps we’ll repeat old ones.  We’ll sure as heck learn a LOT.

So here’s this week’s story. Let’s call it The Plant.

Last week, it was Friday afternoon, and I had a massive headache.  I felt exhausted.  I felt irritable.  I wanted to escape from my body somehow and just – feel better.  I felt completely out of sorts.  I called my coach friend and asked for some help.  She asked me what was wrong, and I said, “Oh, I’m at it again.  We both know how I like to overdo things.”

She replied, “We do?  You LIKE to overdo things?”

I answered, “I didn’t say I LIKE to overdo things.  I just do it.  I’ve always been like that.”

She said, “Oh, no, you said I LIKE to overdo things.  That was what came out of your mouth.”

We are brutally honest with each other, because that’s how we get fast results.  I sat for a minute and thought about it.  Yep.  She was right.  That was what I said.

“I LIKE to overdo things.”  There I was, believing that, in the back of my mind.  When you pull thoughts like this out of your unconscious mind and shine a bright flashlight on them, it’s always astonishing.  And revealing!

It is quite true.  Though I think I don’t like to overdo things, I actually do.  Because if I’m over-booked, busy, and crunched for time, I simply “don’t have time” to feel uncomfortable emotions.  Last week, I was “too busy” to meditate, to self-coach, to sleep enough, and to feel the sadness hiding under my busy-ness.  I spent all week running from my emotions, and they caught up with me.  My body gave me the signal that I was out of balance, and it was, of course, right.

When I turned in the direction of the sadness and simply felt it, it wasn’t even that bad after all. I cried.  I sat with it.  I noticed some fear underneath there.  I felt that fear.  I noticed the thoughts in my head creating these feelings.  I forced myself to be skillfully coached right when I wanted to run and hide some more.  I accepted that I’d spent the entire week forgetting to feel and living in avoidance.  I hung up the phone after my session and breathed a sigh of relief.

I went upstairs, and decided to clean up my house a bit.  Next to my bed is a plant I’ve had for about a month.  I got this plant on the advice of a very wise friend.  She noticed my inability to keep plants alive, and told me, “You need to get a plant and practice keeping it alive.  There’s a lesson in it, and you’ll see it when you see it.”  (Did I mention she’s also annoyingly cryptic?)

So I went into my bedroom to make the bed and stopped dead in my tracks.  There was the plant, leaves drooping and yellowed, blossoms dying and dropping onto the floor, as it gasped for sunlight and water.  All week long, I had forgotten to water the plant.  I had even forgotten to open the shades before I left for work.  I gasped in shock.  It was SO CLEAR.  The plant was a metaphor for ME.  The plant looked just like I felt!  This isn’t the only time this month, either, that the plant looked near death.  And the other time it looked like this, I felt the same way.

(Let me just stop here to reassure you that I don’t have children.  I do have a dog, whom I have managed to keep alive for 9 years.  He seems to actually be thriving.  Here’s a picture to prove it.  Just didn’t want to worry you too much.)

Clearly, I often care for myself just like I care for the plant.  Poor thing.  I felt compassion for the plant, and I felt compassion for my body.  It always bears the brunt of my over-doing and emotion-avoiding.  I stop nurturing myself and run from my inner work (which is my definition of self-care) when I forget to just feel my feelings.  I forget because I just don’t want to face the fear or the sadness or the whatever it may be.  This is why Pema Chodron, one of my favorite authors, calls emotions “the places that scare us.”

This emotional avoidance is an ingrained habit for most of us, because we learn it as children, for numerous reasons.  I will be writing much about this in future posts, because though many of us have read Sarno and know about emotion suppression, many of us still don’t know how to change this pattern.  It’s really a matter of doing slightly more feeling and slightly less suppressing and just continuing in that direction for the rest of our lives.  There’s much to be said about this, because Sarno really only scratches the surface.

This week has been much better.  Hey, what do you know – when I do the work, it works!  It only ever feels like work, though, when I’m avoiding something that needs to be faced.  Sometimes I face it, and sometimes I need a little smack from pain to wake me up.   And that’s what it’s like, being imperfect.

Click the link below to listen, or right click (control click for mac users) and select “save link as” to download the file.

Interview with Dr. Howard Schubiner

Howard Schubiner, MD is board-certified in pediatrics, adolescent medicine, and internal medicine.  He was a full Professor at Wayne State University for 18 years and now works at Providence Hospital in Southfield, MI.  He is a fellow in the American College of Physicians, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Society for Adolescent Medicine.  Dr. Schubiner is known as a national expert in ADHD in adolescents and adults as well as mindfulness meditation and stress reduction.  He has authored over 60 publications in scientific journals and books and performed research in the fields of adolescent health, ADHD and stress reduction.    Dr. Schubiner is on the Editorial Boards of the Journal of Adolescent Health and the Journal of Attention Disorders.  He has given over 250 lectures to scientific audiences regionally, nationally and internationally on topics related to adolescent medicine, ADHD, and stress reduction.  Dr. Schubiner has consulted for the American Medical Association, the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institute on Mental Health.  He has been granted funds to conduct research studies of over several million dollars in total.  Dr. Schubiner is a student of Jon Kabat-Zinn and has taught Mindfulness Meditation for the past 14 years.

Dr. Schubiner is the founder and director of the Mind Body Medicine Program at Providence Hospital.  He is a protégé of Dr. John Sarno and has worked closely with him. This unique and innovative program uses the methods pioneered by Dr. Sarno, adds the teachings of Mindfulness Meditation, as well as the most current research methodologies to treat individuals who suffer from the Mind Body Syndrome (MBS) or Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS).  Dr. Schubiner has created a program that uses both meditative and cutting edge psychological techniques to help individuals with chronic conditions, such as fibromyalgia, whiplash, back and neck pain, myofascial pain, TMJ syndrome, tension and migraine headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, irritable bladder syndrome, insomnia, anxiety, and other related conditions.  He is currently performing the first randomized, controlled research study in the field of Mind Body Syndrome or TMS for individuals diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  He was included in the 2003-2004, 2005-2006 and 2007-2008 lists of the Best Doctors in America.  Dr. Schubiner lives in the Detroit area with his wife of 25 years and has 2 children in their early 20’s.

When I set out to heal myself using mind-body techniques, I read everything I could get my hands on.  I recognized myself very clearly in the pages of Dr. Sarno’s books (he’s probably one of the most well-known American doctors to discuss mind-body healing), but I also found that other information rang true to me as well.  For example, Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star and Steering by Starlight, and under whom I am certified as a coach, has herself been through fibromyalgia and interstitial cystitis and returned to health through mind-body techniques.  She discusses aspects of her own healing methods in both of the books mentioned above, and in her recently released mp3 download, “Coaching Revealed – How not to Hurt.”   (I highly recommend this recording – it is fabulous.)

I want you to know that Dr. Sarno is certainly not the only resource out there for mind-body healing, so if you’re struggling to accept everything he writes and believe in mind-body healing, don’t despair.  You can return to health using a variety of mind-body techniques, and in fact, I believe that creating a personal approach for you is actually very effective.  (This is what I do with clients.)

I have also recently been talking with Dr. Howard Schubiner (www.yourpainisreal.com), who bases his work on a mixture of Sarno and other mind-body healing techniques.  Upon discussing our methods, we discovered many similarities, and of course, a few differences.  Many of my clients have been or are currently going through Dr. Schubiner’s online program, so we realized his program and my coaching make a great combination.  His program is self-paced study, and my coaching is one-on-one personalized help with the concepts discussed in his program (with additional tools from my research and training).  Some of my clients found they were still struggling after completing the program and wanted more help dealing with emotions, mind awareness techniques, and utilizing everything in their daily lives.  Dr. Schubiner and I plan to collaborate much more in the future to try to help as many people as possible understand and use mind-body healing approaches.

Why am I telling you all of this?  I intend to post this as a permanent page for people who are curious about TMS, Sarno, or other mind-body methods.  I want everyone to understand that you CAN heal, regardless of whether you are following one method or mixing them together, whether or not you are doing it on your own, utilizing online resources, or working one-on-one with somebody like myself.  There is much variety, and you are the best expert on what feels right to you.

After I read The Mindbody Prescription, I worried that I needed to find a psychologist who knew about TMS, or stop all of my physical therapy treatments or supplements.  Also, some of the book didn’t ring true to me.  So I followed what did feel right, I utilized other resources from other books, and I returned to health, all by myself.  (No, I wasn’t one of those people who just read the book and got better.) When I became a Martha Beck Coach, I decided to help others bypass all the work I did (synthesizing a personal approach for myself through hours of research).  I decided to be the coach I wished I’d had, during my struggle to become pain-free.  When I was in pain, I wished I could talk to somebody who understood Sarno, understood other approaches, could talk science or could talk intuition, could help me sort out my own emotions and mind, and who would just listen to me.  Now I am that person, for you, if you need it.

However, I also want to be a resource for you, too, because if coaching isn’t right for you right now, if you don’t feel like you can take Schubiner’s program right now, you still have everything it takes within you to heal, and I want you to know that.  I want you to know that you can do it, and that I am here in blog-land, cheering you on!

I’m such a huge advocate of mind-body healing, and I want to spread the concept to more and more people.  There’s so much freedom in it, because you get to take charge of your health and feel strong in body and mind.  I am always available to answer emails or reply to comments here on the blog, even if it takes me a few days.  Please consider me your resource and ask any questions you would like to ask.

On that note, let me share with you some of my favorite books/resources in a concise list format (these are in no particular order – I find them all helpful):

Finding Your Own North Star – Martha Beck
Steering by Starlight – Martha Beck
Coaching Revealed on How not to Hurt mp3 recording- Martha Beck (available at www.MarthaBeck.com )
The Mindbody Prescription – Dr. John Sarno
The Divided Mind – Dr. John Sarno
The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
A New Earth – Eckhart Tolle
A Headache in the Pelvis – Dr. David Wise
Resources from Dr. Andrew Weil
Guided Imagery from Dr. Martin Rossman
Choosing Brilliant Health – Foster, Hicks, and Associates
www.yourpainisreal.com – Dr. Howard Schubiner

There are many more, and I am reading new ones regularly.  (I’m currently reading several interesting books that might need to end up on this list, but I’m going to wait until I’ve finished them before I decide.)  This should get you started!

Because so much of mind-body healing includes releasing suppressed emotion and cultivating mind awareness to prevent future emotion suppression, as well as releasing emotions such as fear that are creating a chronic fight or flight response in your body (which of course creates inflammation, tension, and a host of other issues) I include the following:

Loving What Is – Byron Katie
Self-Coaching 101 – Brooke Castillo
The 4-Day Win – Martha Beck (about weight loss, but really about your brain)
Writings/Recordings by Jack Kornfield
Books by Pema Chodron  (they’re all good!)

I’m sure I forgot somebody important, but this is definitely plenty to work with for now.  Happy healing!