After taking a few months to truly allow my body to heal from childbirth and surgery, I feel much, much, much better! I want to fill you in on what I’m doing in my own mind-body practice right now, and what I’ve learned recently. (In short – a lot.) Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing much about that!

I’ve come to realize that I have been dealing with a combination of an actual physical injury, surgery, AND a mind-body syndrome (otherwise known as TMS). Confusing! (What is a mind-body syndrome/TMS? Click here to learn more!) Plus, I’ve had to mentally recover from having what might be the world’s most embarrassing surgery. Seriously. It is called a sphincterotomy (commonly used for anal fissures, which is what I had, and extremely un-fun).  First of all, it sounds like the doctor removes one’s sphincter, which in fact, he does not. Thank God. Secondly, it has the word sphincter in it, which is not a word I love to bandy about in casual conversation.

Kind, caring person inquiring about my health: So, how are you doing? What surgery did you have to have?

Me: Coming along, getting better! It was a, um… shmmmumble.

Though there were many times in the last several months where I thought I might die of mortification and or extreme pain, I did not. I survived. Now that I understand the childbirth-anal fissure-TMS combo, it’s so much easier to use my mind-body tools and allow complete healing to happen.

In fact, I feel pretty much back to normal in almost every way. I feel creative, alive, and joyful. I still feel my emotions, and I still have the full array – anger, fear, sadness – you name it. But the sense of underlying contentment is back. Hallelujah! I am enjoying being a mom, honoring the frustrations that come with motherhood, and reveling in the amazing combination of getting to be a mother and a coach. I have created exactly what I wanted to create, and for that, I am supremely grateful!

My mind, body, and soul feel in sync again, and I am clearly hearing the messages from them all. My body still wants rest, so I am giving it much rest. My emotions are asking to flow, and giving me information daily about the best paths to take in every area of my life. And my soul has requested more meditation, which feels delicious, when I squeeze it in. Anything one does when following soul-guidance feels delicious!

Dealing with TMS

As far as the physical pain goes, well – I have dealt with TMS before, of course. I know where I am in the process. I’m at the point where all that’s left is a conditioned response to certain activities. In other words, the brain is used to experiencing pain and guarding against it when doing a certain activity, and it has linked that activity with pain. Even though there is no injury or reason for pain anymore, the activity still seems to cause pain. This is just the way the brain learns in everyday life, for everything. It connects the dots and makes associations.

The tool to use for this is a simple technique. Basically, you’re teaching the brain that there is no reason for the pain to occur, and that it does not need to fire off pain signals when you perform the activity. For me, the triggering activity is sitting down. So, every time I sit down, I say to myself, “Sitting down does not cause pain! I’m perfectly healthy. I’m listening to my emotional messages and no longer need pain to alert me.” Repetition is the key to success. You sit, (or do whatever the activity is) say the statement, and focus on inner emotions instead of any pain that arises.

The brain is pretty fascinating, isn’t it?! I know this process works, because I did it before, when I was dealing with the TMS pain in the past (vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis). I had to disconnect sitting, wearing underwear, wearing jeans, sex, walking, and riding a bike. This time, thankfully, there’s just one trigger!

The process is kind of interesting – it can take some time, but it happens much like learning a new piece of music on the violin. (It’s really the same process.) You practice, you practice, you practice – you go in the practice room every day and you feel like nothing is happening. You aren’t getting anywhere. Then, suddenly, you realize you have made a little progress. You can play a few passages better than before. Then, one day, you realize you have learned the whole piece and it’s no longer hard. Changes happen subtly, but they do happen.

So far, I’ve been doing this for three weeks. I can already see huge gains. Suddenly, there are several comfortable sitting positions, where before, I couldn’t take any of them. Ha! So there, brain! I am onto you!

The key to doing this process is to just keep at it. You have to recognize the fear of the trigger as part of the conditioned response, and use the same technique on that. The other important piece is to be quite gentle and loving with one’s self. That has been the theme of this mind-body learning experience for me. I am truly learning self-love, no ifs ands or butts. Ha ha! Sorry.

Intentional Self Kindness

My current daily mind-body practice is intentional self-kindness. I also notice whenever I am not being kind to myself and to shift toward kindness again. The self-love I used to offer myself is nothing like what I do now. Now, I am on a self-love mission! (More on that in the coming weeks!)

The other interesting thing about this process is that it is completely in line with the law of attraction. To bring about what you desire, you must “act as if,” to borrow words from Abraham. Act as if sitting is completely fine. Live like you would if you felt no pain. Feel the joy of that, and health follows. I also know this to be true, having done it before. So I am on the fun plan. I am finding as many ways to have fun while sitting down as possible. Luckily I have the cutest, sweetest companion for this – Aela, my little eleven month old daughter!

Thus far, I have enjoyed the following: sitting to nurse, read stories to Aela, play in the sandbox, play in the backyard, roll the ball to her, eat picnics with her, and snuggle. I also get to sit a lot when I work, and I have the best job in the world. So, that’s pretty darn fun.

I’m currently training a new batch of mind-body coaches, and I’ve decided to take the training right along with them. Listening to myself teach (which is always about listening to the soul wisdom that is flowing when I’m teaching) is helping so much. We always teach what we most need to know. The mind-body journey is about learning, learning, and more learning. I am learning so much right now, and I’m very inspired to blog again! I so appreciate your understanding during my healing break and your kindness this past year, amazing readers! Your emails, Facebook messages, and other support have been more helpful than you’ll ever realize.

I’m also back on my Anamsong Facebook page! I’d love to join you all again in fun mind-body/life conversation over there. Thank you to the fellow coaches who posted lots of inspiration there while I was in healing mode.

So, yes – I am back in the saddle! Though, thankfully, not an actual saddle. Baby steps, you know!

This week, I just want to tell you a story.  I experienced lots of gratitude this week, and the result was a whole lot of feeling good!

I collected my mail one day this week to find an envelope sent from Japan.  I puzzled over it for a minute, trying to think who in the world would be sending me something from there.  I drew a blank.  I opened the envelope and pulled out a beautiful note folded around another envelope.  I read the note with utter astonishment, because it was the very last thing I imagined or expected.  It was a note from an anonymous blog reader expressing gratitude for a recent post I wrote: It’s Okay to not Be Okay.  Inside the envelope was a crisp one-hundred dollar bill.

My husband, who was opening his mail, heard my gasp of astonishment and read the note over my shoulder.  Then we just stared at each other for a moment.  It’s difficult to describe the emotion I felt in that moment – it was a mixture of gratitude, love, and joy.  Knowing that this anonymous reader was so moved by a post as to go to all that trouble was just – amazing!

It reminded me of the power of sharing our gratitude out loud.  There are so many ways to do this each day, and each time we do, we spread love and healing.  This blog reader was writing to thank me for helping her, and in doing so, helped me.  The love and joy I felt in that moment was powerful.  I could feel it washing through my body in waves.  I am grateful for her willingness to send that message to me.

I also realized, in that moment, that I’d like to share my gratitude out loud more often.  I felt the power of being on the receiving end, and I know how great it feels to be on the giving end.  It’s like a daily dose of the best free medicine out there!

This is today’s out-loud gratitude moment:

Week after week, I sit down at my computer and I write to you.  Usually I have one or two of you in mind as I write – a client I spoke to, a person who emailed with a question.  Sometimes I write to an imaginary mix of several people I’ve interacted with recently.  Sometimes I write to myself.  The thing I love about blogging is that it’s like writing a giant letter.  It feels like a love letter when I write it, because I am in love with writing to you, and I love all of you readers out there.  I feel a sense of community with you all and love connecting like this each week.  It’s our weekly healing – yours and mine – on many different levels.

It was healing for me to write the It’s Okay to not Be Okay post, and it was also slightly nerve-wracking.  It felt right, and it felt fun, but I was putting myself out there, nonetheless, as raw and real as it gets.  (Though as I write that, I’m laughing at myself. Hello!  I write a blog about vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome.)  To know that it served someone, many someone’s, in fact, was very helpful to me.  So, today, I just want to thank everyone who wrote a response to that post.  I heard from some of you on Facebook, others via email, several of you posted comments below, and then, there was the note from Japan.

Thank you all, so, so much.  I don’t usually think about getting a response back from you all when I sit down to write.  I am comfortable knowing that wherever you are, whoever you are, you’re reading this and receiving whatever you need most.  I know that not every post will resonate with you, and I know that you might not feel like writing a comment on a public blog about vaginas.  So I just write because I love to write.  I love to talk about being whole, being who we are really meant to be in this world – beautiful, loved, loving, healthy, joyful beings.

But I have to admit – hearing back from you is awfully fun.  It gives me a little energy boost to know you are enjoying reading as much as I am writing.   Today, I am full of gratitude, for all of you.  I am sharing it out loud, and that feels great.  Whoever you are, kind note-writer from Japan, thank you so much for helping me this week.

This week, my mom underwent surgery.  It was supposed to be simple and quick, but halfway through it took a complicated turn.  Her doctor came out and spoke to us, tension etched in his face.  Though it seemed impossible, it looked like he was even more stressed than us, her family.  When he finally spoke to us at the end of the day, it was to give us good news.  Mom was doing fine, would recover with just a short hospital stay, and would never need worry about this health issue again.  He looked absolutely exhausted.

I have never met a doctor like this one.  Having traversed the country with my Naval Officer husband while battling a plethora of pelvic pain issues, I have met my fair share of doctors.  I’ve seen specialists of all kinds – urologists, gynecologists, vulvo-vaginal specialists, nephrologists, dermatologists, and orthopedic specialists.  Many of them have been kind, caring, and excellent physicians.  Many of them were great listeners and took the time to try to work with me toward health.  None of them could hold a candle to my mom’s doctor.

I am still astonished.  After seeing all those doctors in all those different states, I find the best doctor I could possibly conjure up in my imagination right here in Casper, Wyoming.  I only see him once a year, usually, for my good old pap smear.  This year, he’s been the one to deliver my brother’s new baby and save my mom’s life.  In each encounter, like every appointment I’ve had, he has shown deep caring, compassion, and attention.

I am supremely grateful for this doctor.  He is indescribable, but I’m going to try anyway.  He shoulders the weight of the world, caring so much about his patients that he often doesn’t charge them for expensive but necessary procedures.  He gives his all to every patient, going above and beyond the call of duty like no other doctor I’ve met.  He listens to me when I am sharing wisdom about my own body, and actually says this: “You know your own body better than I do, so I want to hear what you have to say.”  (I know!  Astonishing!)  He puts every ounce of effort possible into giving his patients what they need and want, even when those diverge.  He knew that my mom hates the hospital, so he got her out of there as fast as possible, but took into account what she needed as well.

So, this Thanksgiving I am giving much thanks.  My mom is alive and well, recovering each day.  My family gathered around to support her, and my in-laws helped us create a thanksgiving despite the hospital stay.  And Mom had the world’s best doctor, right here in little ol’ Wyoming.  I am full of gratitude.