Besides, our culture does not honor or allow for emotional processes like grieving. It’s as though we can just skim over the top of life, showing up at barbecues and school functions, presenting ourselves as fine, and somehow life will be ok.

Except, of course, when it isn’t, and our bodies respond to all this ignoring of emotion by manifesting physical symptoms. If you are familiar with TMS or Mind-Body Syndrome, then you know exactly what I mean.

Denying emotion is a habit, learned in childhood, that we bring into our adult lives. We don’t even realize we’re doing it. One of the biggest emotions that gets shoved under the rug is grief.

If you’ve recently (or not so recently) developed a pain syndrome in the body, step one is to look for places in your life that are asking to be grieved. It’s so easy to just trudge forward through losses and not give them the acknowledgment they deserve.

Not every loss will seem “big enough” to grieve. And your mind will likely tell you that you should “be over it by now,” which is something the mind says whether you’ve cried once or one-hundred times about a loss. The truth is, if you still feel it, you’re not over it, and that’s ok.

Because culture does not allow for grief, you have to allow for it yourself. You have to set aside the time to acknowledge, feel, and allow your own grief. Nobody else is going to give you permission.

Advocate for your own grief. This doesn’t mean you have to shirk all your duties. It just means you have to take the time you need, in bits and pieces or larger chunks, wherever you can. Set aside time for you, and use it to grieve. Then, you will actually find healing and openness, love, and joy flowing in again.

No matter how small the loss, (because we do that; we judge the size of our losses), it still counts. Acknowledge the reality of what you feel. Let yourself have the emotions that are begging for your attention. Be the kind and nurturing person who gives you a break, lets you rest into what needs to be felt, and takes great care of you.

I am a recovering fire fleer.

You may be wondering, what’s the problem with that? Aren’t you supposed to flee fires? Seems like a sound thing to do, doesn’t it? But alas I am not speaking of real fires. I’m speaking of emotional feet-to-the-flame kind of fires.

Martha Beck coined the term fire fleer in her book, Steering by Starlight. The goal of the fire fleer is to avoid emotional pain and discomfort at all costs by pretending that everything is ok and fine … when it’s not.

Often when you have fire fleer traits and you suffer a huge loss, life disappointment or even a seemingly small loss, you don’t allow yourself to stay with your uncomfortable feelings for longer than one hot second. Preferably, you quickly jam them down like a child trying to stuff all the clutter of their messy room into one tiny toy box. Or maybe if you’re like me and the emotional flames get really hot, you run madly for the hills.

Once you’ve reached the safety of the hills, you then pour all your energy into focusing away from any naggy or graspy feelings and toward future dreams or goals instead. But trying to distract yourself from pain and discomfort by focusing on the future and the positive things that may exist for you there often backfires and creates unstable conditions.

Creating the Monster

Here’s what happens. Fire fleeing doubles the discomfort because it creates resistance.

It doesn’t magically make the uncomfortable feelings go away. It actually creates greater tension. Now you not only feel the discomfort of the emotions, but also the uncomfortable energy of trying to resist them.

I am a great example of just how un-helpful fire fleeing can be as a coping mechanism.

A few years back I was in the midst of an ugly breakdown. I was trying madly to stuff everything that felt bad into the tiny toy box of my existence. I was a complete and hot icky mess.

Depression and anxiety had become my constant unwanted companions. My beloved father had passed away and I was struggling not only with the grief of his death, but also with finding my way in the world as a new wife and mother. The inside of me felt like an emotional war zone – the raging-afraid and grieving parts of me were battling with the parts of me that thought they shouldn’t exist. Yes, my father was gone, but overall didn’t I have everything I thought I’d always wanted? Why am I so afraid? Depressed? Angry? and why do I want to cry all the time? I should be happy. Nonetheless the more I resisted what I was feeling the worse I felt.

Years of stuffed emotions were creeping up from inside of me. They were like scary monsters I was trying to escape – but every door I opened there they were.

My mother would say, “Sometimes you have to sit and have tea with the monster.”

I did not want to have tea with the monster, and yet I could no longer escape it.

So with loving encouragement my fire fleeing self let go and sat down with the beast of my emotions.

It was different than I thought it was going to be.

It was uncomfortable and messy, like facing a problem you’ve been avoiding for a long time, but there’s also sweet relief that comes with not resisting what’s present any longer … like the feeling you get after tensing your muscles super tight for a minute (or a lifetime) and then letting go – it feels rubbery and relaxed not to be holding on any more.

The relief of letting go is what kept me coming back to the table and in the process a really beautiful thing happened …

My emotions were like the tiny irritating grains of sand that helped me create a connection to the pearly beauty of my inner wellbeing. I started to become acquainted with that still part inside myself that is always ok.

You can connect with the pearly beauty of your inner wellbeing too.

First, stop running. Imagine yourself in the safest most comfortable place that exists for you – maybe in the arms of a loved one or cozed up with a beloved pet. Then focus on your breathing and notice what it feels like to be alive in your body.

Second, see if you can note what you’re feeling emotionally. There are four basic emotions, sad, mad, glad and afraid. You may be feeling a mix of emotions or you may not be able to identify any right now. That’s fine.

Third, there is no ‘right or wrong’ way to do this. Whatever comes up or doesn’t come up is OK. It’s all just information. The more you can witness the energy of your experience without judging it and/or trying to make it go away the easier life becomes.

Fourth, (and this is really important, I say … lovingly … taking you by the shoulders) congratulate yourself for staying with your current experience for a couple of moments. (Also note that you’re still alive.) J

That’s it. Take it slow – no need to try and force yourself to feel for an extended amount of time. As a fire fleer, one of the most helpful things you can build for yourself is the “knowing” that you can allow and experience your uncomfortable emotions and be transformed by the fire … maybe you’ll even find, as I did, that it’s different than you think.

Endorsed Coach – Linda Bayly-Fennell

I am a Mind-Body Coach and a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. I live in upstate NY with my husband, two elementary school aged kids and our dear and wild Australian cattle dog.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with trying to be the ‘right’ thing … the right person, daughter, friend, employee, mother, wife, coach … whatever it was, I desperately wanted to do it ‘perfectly’ and be ‘good’.  Not a fun way to live. It took its toll on my body and wellbeing.  Through my coach trainings I learned how to tune in to my own internal wisdom, letting it guide me toward what was right for me.  As a coach, I’m here to help you on your journey. My clients appreciate the warm, welcoming, safe space I provide. They also say I’m wise, funny and open…. irreverent and kind.

If you would like to learn more about coaching together, please send me an email.

What a pain!

Wouldn’t it be nice to block out ten minutes on the calendar for “Have a Good Cry/Beat on a Few Pillows” and have emotions fit perfectly into your day? Many of my clients have remarked that they long for this. Me too.

Well, here’s how much luck I’ve had scheduling my emotions during the grieving process: 0%.

I’m kind of a grief newbie, because I’ve only been through it once before, when I was twelve. My aunt passed away, and I had no clue how to grieve. Being me, I just went ahead and stuffed all of that grief down and charged forward with my life.

No, that didn’t really work.

So, in the last seven months since my miscarriage, I’ve been learning how to grieve. This week, I find that it’s hard. Yesterday was the baby’s due date. I keep thinking about what it would have been like to be giving birth, to be experiencing that major life change, to be holding my child. It’s unimaginable. Somehow, even after seven months, my mind cannot believe it’s not happening. And, at the same time, my mind cannot believe I was really pregnant.

My mind is very confused about this whole grief experience. It can’t understand it. I felt so different during the weeks I was pregnant, and then WHAM, I was back to feeling just like me again. My body was no longer taken over by strange symptoms and sudden changes. There was no baby to nurse, no end product of what was started. My mind doesn’t know what to do with that.

As a result, it does things like criticize me to death. Here’s the short list:

You should be done grieving by now.

It was just a miscarriage – other people have had much worse losses.

People will think you’re weak for still being sad/mad/whatever.

Maybe you’re not really supposed to be a mom, anyway.

Yeeek. As you can see, my mind is not helping with the grieving process. I have to rely on my emotions, instead. They help me stay healthy on all levels. So, I’ve turned everything over to them and am letting them lead me. As a result, my schedule sometimes (admittedly, thankfully, not EVERY day) looks like this:

9:00 am – Coach Client

10:00 am – Have crying attack

10:15 am – Write blog post

11:00 am – Have angry pillow-punching attack

11:10 am – Put on makeup and fix hair

Noon – Eat lunch

12:30 pm – Teach class

2:00 pm – Feel depressed. Mope around.

2:15 pm – Realize I’m pretending not to be sad. Cry.

2:35 pm – Feel sudden rush of love and joy

3:00 pm – Coach Client

Etc.

What I’ve noticed is, if I let my emotions happen, I can work around them. I can be okay with my clients because I’m having crying attacks randomly during the day. I can write a coherent blog post because I let the anger come out when it needed to.

The result of this practice? My mind pretty much throws up its hands and gives up. It quiets down and leaves me in peace.  I feel. I heal. I repeat that process.

So maybe we can’t schedule our emotions. But that doesn’t mean we can’t feel them. In fact, my hunch is that things are designed pretty darn well, after all. These emotions – they’re meant to help us stay connected to our inner wisdom. We need them. Feeling them helps us stay sane, physically healthy, and even emotionally peaceful. I notice that when I feel them, they pass quickly and I spend more time feeling calm and peaceful. It’s only ignoring them that creates buildup, stress, tension, and anxiety.

Whether it’s a quick break in the public restroom at work or a few moments in the car, time can be found to feel emotions. Even if you’re not grieving, it’s every bit as important, especially if you want your body to be healthy and pain-free. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to feel.

I got out my trusty mind-body journal (which is just a spiral bound notebook where I use all my own tools on myself). I went outside to sit quietly and be with myself. In Wyoming, that means sitting in a clump of sagebrush. I picked a spot with a great view of a beautiful valley, breathed in the scent of sage, and got quiet. I asked my soul to help me understand what is going on in my life right now.

Soon after I asked, I heard my soul’s answer. It said, “You’re in the In-Between.”

The In-Between is a place the mind doesn’t fully grasp. The In-Between requires the wisdom of the body and emotions and soul. Otherwise, the mind just gets confused.

My soul helped me to understand the In-Between. As I sat, I saw images of my life this year like pictures on a movie screen.

Getting pregnant for the first time in my life

Celebrating the pregnancy with my husband

Working on my coaching business

Having a miscarriage

Grieving with my husband

Grieving, in general

Discovering new things about myself

Finding out I wasn’t saying everything I wanted to say – to readers, to clients

Getting new ideas for my business

Being in the process of starting new projects

Considering getting pregnant again

Waiting for my body to feel like getting pregnant again

Waiting for my soul to feel like getting pregnant again

Being in the process of renovating and redecorating my house

Being in the process of creating a new website and new material

Doing new work, with new people

Not having the end vision yet, for anything

Right now, everything is started. Nothing is done. I don’t have a full vision of what everything will look like. I’m not totally sure what I want, yet. I’m exploring. I’m not deciding. I’m looking at all the different flavors. I’m tasting them. I’m not sure yet which ones I’ll choose.

My soul explained that the In-Between is necessary. It is, in fact, more important than the Not In-Between. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can happen without the In-Between. Nothing can be born without the space from which to be born. Healing happens in the In-Between. The In-Between is about discovery. It’s the thing that happens before gestation. Even before a seed is planted.

In music, there’s a thing called a rest. It’s a notation on the music score that tells you to not make any sound for a certain number of beats. Most beginning musicians ignore the rests. Their eyes skip over them and see the next music note on the page. As a teacher, I used to have to explain, over and over again, that the rest was just as important as the note. That it was more important, because if you played in the rest, the music no longer worked. Playing in one rest could mess up an entire symphony. It could cause cacophony and dissonance. It could bring the entire orchestra to a grinding halt. Now I’m explaining to myself that the rest is just as important as the note.

The In-Between is a rest between two notes. It’s the murky, not-clearly-defined place between imagining and creating. I am imagining a lot right now. I imagine different colors of home décor in different rooms in my house. I imagine giving birth in different months of the year. I imagine different images on my website.

I don’t decide. Yet.  I don’t start.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll know more. In fact, this week I did choose some colors for the living room. They feel right. But the living room is still in process.

I pick one little thing at a time. I imagine some more. I listen to my body.

And, I grieve. Still.

In my opinion, we think the grieving process is a lot shorter than it really is. At first, grief is like a flood. It consumes everything we do. Later in the process, it becomes like summer thunderstorms. It arrives suddenly and passes quickly, several times a week.

I’m learning to let grief be a part of my life. I’m learning that it’s okay to be in the middle, half this and half that, undecided, in and out – In-Between.  The In-Between allows me time to process and assimilate the changes necessary right now to make my life an authentic representation of me.

My living room wasn’t quite me

My business wasn’t quite me

My website wasn’t quite me

I wasn’t quite me in my relationships

I wasn’t quite me in many ways.

I need a solid foundation of authenticity in my life before I race forward into What’s Next. I’m building it. I’m course-correcting where I need to – where I got off track due to not listening to my soul. Where I forgot to check in to see who I am, right NOW.

Course-correcting is just part of living. Sometimes I make little course corrections in a day, an hour, a minute. Other times I make a giant course correction that includes every aspect of my life.

The last time I made a giant course correction was when I stepped onto the mind-body path and decided to learn how to heal my body by bringing my mind, body, emotions, and soul into harmony. It was a major life change. It led to me being more authentic, to following my true dreams, to becoming a coach, and to giving myself permission to be me.

Then, I grew. I changed. I learned. It is time to catch up with myself again, and to really look closely at everything in my life.  Last summer, I had a garage sale. I spent two weeks picking up objects and saying – does this fit into my life? Is this really me?

That process is still going on, in every aspect of my life. I’m in the In-Between.

It’s a place of discomfort, for me, and at the same time, I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. I love where everything is going. I love how much more me I’m being. I love all the new in my life. And at the same time, I grieve what I’m releasing. I let myself feel sad when the living room couch leaves. I let it go. I let myself love the new chairs that took its place.

Now I see that thanks to the In-Between, I’ll know the right moment to start anew with the motherhood project. I’ll know what feels right to put on my website. I’ll know what feels right to create for my clients. I’ll know what feels right to add to my home.

I asked my soul how long the In-Between would last. It just smiled.

If you’re like me and many of my clients, you may have ignored or suppressed past losses. You might even be downplaying a current loss in your life. I think grief is here to help us move through changes in our lives and to let go of the old in order to welcome the new. We may not always honor the grieving process during changes, because we think things “aren’t a big deal” or we “shouldn’t really be upset about it.” This can play a major role in pain syndromes, overweight, or any other problem directly related to emotional suppression.

For some reason, we save grief for the “big” losses like deaths of loved ones. Yet, there are many other losses we all experience every year in daily life. Some losses are larger and some smaller, but I don’t think the size matters. When you have life changes, they often include loss. If you’re experiencing a change or transition in your life, the question to ask is, “What loss do I need to grieve so that I can let go and move forward?”

Changes I have noticed in client’s lives recently have included moving, a child growing up, and a relationship ending. Grieving the loss of the old house, the loss of the experience of mothering a young child, and the loss of a lover can make the change process easier.

The question I found myself asking during my loss was, “HOW do I grieve?” When I was twelve years old, my aunt died. I didn’t know how to grieve then, and I stored the emotions from that loss in my body for years. I didn’t grieve any of the other losses in my life from that age until now. This current experience made me realize how much I have downplayed or minimized my grief over a variety of losses. It also made me see that I needed to learn how to grieve.

Grief is uncomfortable, like many emotions, but as soon as I asked the question, “How do I grieve?” I was able to allow the grief process instead of resist it. I turned to my favorite emotion expert, Karla McLaren, for some guidance. I read the grief chapter in her book, The Language of Emotions, and smiled when she recommended letting your body guide you through the grieving process. Sounds like a great thing for a mind-body coach to do!

I put my body in charge of the process, as she suggested. This meant connecting to all the different emotions I was feeling and letting myself take the time to feel them. It meant resting the minute I noticed I was tired and honoring whatever my true needs were, no matter what. In general, this is what I teach people to do in their daily lives, but I thought of it as no-holds-barred, emergency honoring of all body and soul needs. Rest, tears, hunger, sleep, sunlight, solitude, company…whatever I truly needed, I did. I let my body guide me toward ways to let the grief flow. For me, that meant drawing, dancing, and lots and lots of talking. I stocked up on Kleenex and cried buckets. I sat and wrote nearly every night.

All of these things helped me with what is most difficult in the grieving process: mentally understanding and integrating the loss. Karla explains that the mind just doesn’t understand loss the way the emotions and body do, which is why we need them to lead the way during grief. I think she hits the nail on the head with that understanding. It revolutionized my grieving and made it much easier to face.

I discovered several things that helped me create structure and support for my mind during the grieving experience. I’ll share them with you below, in case you are grieving a current loss or are discovering that you have past losses rising up to be felt and processed now.

In the end, grief is an amazingly helpful emotion. It allows us to let go of anything that isn’t working, is no longer meant to be in our daily lives, or is simply ready to be released. Then, grief allows us to discover what’s truly important to us, on a soul-deep level. It brings us ever-closer to knowing ourselves deeply, intimately, and lovingly. Nothing is more self-compassionate than allowing grief to flow.

During my grief process, I found that I could no longer spend time in my usual meditation/resting sanctuary, (an alcove in our house where I’ve created a comforting, safe space). For some reason, I couldn’t go into that space for nearly two months. I built a grief shrine, as Karla suggests, elsewhere in my house. In this new space, I poured out my grief, talking to the shrine, journaling in front of the shrine, and in general letting whatever needed to happen there happen. I let that be my special grief space.

This past weekend, my body felt ready for a little closure. I held a small ceremony, made a memory box for the items in my shrine, and moved back in to my usual sanctuary. As I sat cross-legged on the floor, a candle lit and a blanket snuggled around me, I felt at peace. I felt as though I was at once returning home and meeting someone brand new. I felt like my soul and I now have a completely new relationship that is much deeper, stronger, and sweeter. Leaving and returning symbolized the grief journey. I felt the subtle shift from letting go to moving forward begin. This is the power of letting the body and emotions lead the grief process.

So, I encourage you to treat any loss – old, new, big, small, or whatever it may be – as something that deserves to be grieved. I have not realized the importance of grieving until now, simply because I was so used to suppressing most emotions. In case you are in the same boat, here are some ways to help yourself grieve:

1)     Take it easy.

Now is the time to lighten your load in any way possible. Your body needs extra rest and downtime during any transition. Grief can make you feel exhausted. Honor that instead of pushing to work harder or even match your old workload.

2)     Ask for help.

This is a time to speak up and let people know what you need. If someone can’t support you, it’s likely that others can, so keep asking. Magically, the right people will be there for you. You might need practical help or a shoulder to cry on, and different people in your life will be available for different things. Create a grieving team. Don’t worry – at some point, you’ll pay it forward on someone else’s grieving team. You might even be surprised at the people who show up, unexpected, to support you when you reach out and ask. I feel very blessed and loved from all the support I have received recently, and this experience has deepened and even created friendships.

3)     Allow space for emotions.

You might need to cry suddenly, randomly, and often. You might need to feel anger out of the blue. You might need to curl up in a ball and hide under a blanket. Whatever emotions arise, let yourself have them. You might feel vulnerable and even childlike, so do things that feel mothering and comforting for yourself. Give yourself extra time to get moving in the morning, or even better, give yourself an empty day as often as possible, with little or nothing scheduled.

4)     Discover deep self-nurture.

Ask yourself what you need each day, or even each hour. Let your body and emotions be your guide. Don’t force yourself to see people if you need to be alone, or vice versa. Honor your soul-needs. Find out how much rest you really need right now. Lie down often, let yourself off the hook for as much as possible, and let yourself be exactly as you are.

5)     Create a shrine.

If this feels helpful to you, I say go for it. As soon as I read this idea in Karla’s book, I knew it was for me. My shrine gave me a place to focus my grief, and objects to use for ceremony, closure, and memories. Fill your shrine with any objects that make you sob with abandon, as well as comforting and beautiful items such as flowers. Instead of hiding away the letters from your boyfriend or the pictures of your deceased loved one, put them front and center in your shrine. These objects will help you feel the emotions and therefore let go.

6)     Take grieving breaks.

Grieving is actually hard work. It takes effort and presence, and it can be tiring. Make sure you bring some effortless mind-rest into your grieving process, too. This might be simply napping, talking about something banal, or watching a movie. It might be reading light fiction, or watching something funny on TV. Even if you can’t yet laugh, these light breaks will make the process feel less daunting.

I’d also love to hear what you’ve learned about grief, what helps you grieve, and any other insights you’d like to share. I’m obviously just learning how to do it myself, so I’d love to see your comments below. What helps you grieve?

Guess how I came up with that one! Yep, on the massage table.

Obviously, if you hate massages, this tool isn’t for you. If, like me, you adore floating in dreamy relaxation while listening to soft music, then schedule a massage asap.

All joking aside, massage really IS a great self-coaching tool. Our bodies are magical, miraculous things that take care of us in thousands of unnoticed ways, day in and day out, for our entire lives. One of the amazing things our bodies do for us is store emotional energy. When difficult or painful experiences happen in our lives, our bodies help us make it through them.

If you’re in the midst of a trauma or crisis in your life, it is likely that you will feel mentally overwhelmed and unable to deal with every little emotion or issue that arises. For example, I just experienced a loss that involved much grieving. I was able to be present with the emotions of grief, allowing them to flow through my body and release as each wave came through. However, any additional emotional experience on top of that felt impossibly difficult. My mind revolted at dealing with the emotional detritus of everyday life on top of the grieving process.  So, my body helped me out and stored some of it for later.

In times of high stress, this is the body’s gift to us. All we have to do is remain aware that this may be happening, feel the emotions we can handle, stay aware of our bodies, and then help our bodies release stored emotional energy when the time is right. As you may well know from reading past posts, never allowing our bodies to release stored emotional energy results in physical pain – the body’s cry for help.

Like most things in life, the answer is moderation and balance. It’s a difficult task to NEVER store emotional energy in the body, and it’s also painfully difficult to ALWAYS store emotional energy in the body. What works and keeps us healthy is to allow the body to help us when the mind is overwhelmed, and the let the mind help the body when it is able again.

My body kindly stored emotional energy around issues unrelated to the grief I was experiencing. I was grateful, because I needed to focus on the grief. Then, after a couple of weeks, I felt ready to let my body release those held emotions. So, I went to my massage with the intention of both relaxing and feeling.  I sank into the dreamy half-asleep bliss for a full ninety minutes (SO WORTH IT!), and then I came home to feel.

And feel I did. Let me tell you, a good massage does wonders for bringing up whatever is being stored in your body! I let the emotions flow through, and I learned much from them. I felt the gentle re-alignment of body and mind taking place, which often reminds me of coming home from a long vacation. It’s sweet, slightly painful because the vacation is over, and very grounding. I feel settled in my own skin, my own body, and my own inner wisdom again.

That’s why I say go get a massage. If your body has helped you out by storing some emotional energy, you’ll be able to release it. (This can take several days, so simply get the massage and then wait. Feel whatever comes up, whenever it arises. It’s that simple.) Don’t try to be the perfect mind-body student and never store a darn thing in your body. Instead, recognize that we are all human, and that you need to store emotional energy sometimes. In fact, your body will take over and do it without your awareness in times of need. You’ll know soon enough, because you’ll feel a little tension somewhere. That’s when you pick up the phone, call up your favorite massage therapist, and treat yourself to a little self-coaching, disguised as R and R.

Really, could there be a more enjoyable mind-body tool?