I started out looking online, stopping by various forums and researching.  I quickly discovered this was a terrifying thing to do.  I know that many forums start with the intention of supporting people in difficult situations, but it doesn’t take long for a very fearful environment to take shape.  I do recognize that there are some forums where this has not happened.  For the most part, however, online pelvic pain  support forums are riddled with fear.

I was not looking for fear.  I already had plenty of that.  I wanted hope.  I wanted someone to say to me, “Yes, you can heal from this.”  Eventually, I realized I needed to widen my search and look into alternative medicine.  Even that research, though, had its unhelpful moments.  I took piles of supplements, rubbed magical creams on sensitive tissues, and ate specific, horrendously restrictive diets.  Not much happened, other than the violent allergic reaction to said magical cream.  (That’s right – hives on the sensitive tissues for weeks.)

This is why, when I encountered the breathing teacher who told me breathing would reduce my pain, I wept with joy.  Here was a completely normal, simple thing I could do for myself, as much as I wanted, that was safe and helpful.  It was in that moment that I first felt hope.  It was my first experience of empowerment, because this was help in the form that really works.  Help that would teach me how to help myself.  To me, this is the kind of support that makes sense and is effective.

I certainly wanted support on my healing journey, but I sure as heck did not want to hear other people’s scary stories, fear thoughts, or depressing outlooks.  I wanted to hang out with a group of people who were determined to help themselves, but who just wanted a little assistance doing so.  I wanted a group of people who would remind me to believe in myself.  Who would say, “Yes, you can heal yourself, it is possible, keep at it, way to go!”

I never found my group, but I did find various people along the way who offered such positive words.  I did learn how to help myself.  I did heal.  It was possible.

Those are the messages I wanted other women to hear when I started writing this blog.  I wanted to make my dreamed-of support group a reality.  I wanted to create a place where mind-body tools were available, along with other people who were focused on them, for women who were struggling with vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, and other syndromes.  But I didn’t want to call it a vulvodynia support group or interstitial cystitis support group.  Gack.  We’re not trying to KEEP these syndromes!

So, instead, I have focused on the mind-body healing message.  A mind-body support group sounds so much better, doesn’t it?  We are supporting each other in strengthening our mind-body connections and creating health and joy.  Talk about hope!

Over the last couple of years I have worked to create different levels of support for you.  Besides the free support in the form of weekly blog posts and resources,  I have created an online support forum.  To keep it secure and make sure it’s exclusively for mind-body support, it’s only available to people who purchase the Healthy Mind Toolbox Audio Course.

And recently, I created the all-new Mind-Body Mastery Circles.  The first one kicks off next week, and is a great group of women who are about to experience the very support I dreamed of when I was struggling.  I am so excited!  I will coach and facilitate, but the real magic is going to happen because of the connection and support these women will feel from each other.  That is an incredibly powerful healing tool in it’s own right.

It feels great to see this dream realized, and to know that this is just the first of many more Mastery Circles to come.  These groups will be hope-based, and healing will take place on many different levels.   Healthy, helpful support happens here!  If this is something you’re looking for, it’s not too late to join us.  There are a couple spots left, and you can click here to get all the info and register.

So most of my clients are quite surprised when I assign homework that involves doing absolutely nothing.  They are astonished when I tell them NOT to focus on mind-body work for hours at a time.  They start to smile and relax when I suggest they do something outrageously fun.

The most surprising thing about mind-body healing is this: your most effective healing tool is your inner ten-year-old.  I imagine your inner ten-year-old as a playful being who has yet to start putting immense pressure on herself, who still loves herself and enjoys being in her own skin, and does what feels best to her in any given moment.

Maybe you never felt like that at age ten, so for you it might be your inner eight-year-old or five-year-old.  You might have to simply imagine what it would be like to just play, carefree, with abandon and joy, not caring one whit about what others think.  However you do it, entering into that space of freedom within your own mind and body – in other words, taking the pressure off yourself, focusing on what you love about you, and really tuning in to what feels right to you – is an enormous health creator.

You might not do it perfectly today.  Or tomorrow.  Or ever.  It doesn’t matter one bit.  Even if you can tune into the slightest element of that inner joy within all of us, you are creating health.  It will add up, I promise!

Today, pure, unabashed fun and joy might be resting.  It might be swimming.  It might be hanging out with a friend.  It might be coloring with crayons.  It might be breakfast for dinner or dessert for lunch.  It might be your favorite new book.  It might be shopping.  The only requirement is that you love doing it, want to do it, and have fun doing it.

My inner ten-year-old and I have had a fun week thus far.  Together we have run barefoot in the grass, played baseball, played with my dog, laughed, played music, started learning a new instrument, and taken a nap.  Nothing feels more freeing, more joyful, or more alive than tapping into this part of me.  Nobody has to approve.  I don’t have to do one thing right.  My entire focus is enjoyment and joy.  I’ve been playing my violin, which is something I used to do as a ten-year-old, just for fun.  Then, over time, studying to be a classical violinist and my thoughts about needing to play perfectly took away my enjoyment. Recently, I have rediscovered my passion for playing by giving myself permission to play whatever the hell I want, however I want to play it.  I now play Irish fiddle music, and I only play tunes I love.  It feels great to give myself this kind of freedom.

So here’s your assignment for this week:  Do something that feels like fun, for no reason whatsoever.  Do it however you want to, rules be damned.  Now really – is there any better homework than that?

And just for fun…here’s a video of me doing my homework! (Please feel free to share yours in the comments section below!)

I’ve noticed that my responsibility habit comes up whenever I have a perceived failure.  My inner perfectionist really does not do well with so called failure, and she instantly starts beating me with a litany of reasons I should have done a better job, have let everyone down, could have done more…and on and on.

I realize this does not help any situation, but the old pattern sometimes takes over before I’m aware of it.  I find myself feeling terribly guilty that so-and-so is upset, certain that it is all my fault.  Which of course, it isn’t.  And taking that on never helps the person who is feeling upset.

I mention this old habit because it might be something that plagues you, too, every now and then.  When I read Dr. John Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I noticed a strong similarity between myself and the typical person who has mind-body pain.  Strong as in I had all of the traits on the list.  So do most of my clients.

So, guys, let’s do something useful with this responsibility-taker within us.  Let’s do something outrageous.  Instead of thinking something like, “I must eradicate this responsibility-taker within me to get rid of my pain,” let’s get a little wild.

Let’s embrace the responsibility-taker.

Let’s take a look at how that part of us serves us.

It makes us reliable, helpful, dependable, useful, and good team members.  It’s only when we take more than our share of responsibility that we get ourselves into trouble (as in stress – the kind that cannot be relieved, because it isn’t our stress to begin with) and therefore, pain.

I find that when I embrace parts of myself that are causing a problem in my life, I am able to relax.  I am able to see why that part of me exists, how it helps me, and why I don’t really want to get rid of it.  And yet – I don’t have to be a slave to it, either.  I don’t have to be doomed forever with this personality trait.  It’s simply one small piece of who I am, and when I observe it, I detach from it peacefully.  I simply notice I’m falling into that habit, which gives me a moment to decide whether or not I’d really like to do that.

This week, I would rather not take more than my share of responsibility.  So, to all those people who are going about their own lives, unaware of me and my responsibility-taking, I gently return to you your own emotions, issues, and stresses.  I have the confidence that you have what it takes within you to run your own life.

I have to tell you – that feels very good.  Ahhhh.  But don’t take my word for it!  Try it yourself.

A couple of months ago, I bought groceries in the middle of my niece’s birthday party.  We were celebrating first at the local paint-your-own pottery studio and then at my parent’s house, so I took the opportunity to make a mad dash to the store between those two events.

Of course, I was late to the second half of the party.  I also forgot to bring the eggs in from the car.

Why was I shoving the grocery shopping into my schedule in this manner?  I’d scheduled the rest of the week so full that there simply hadn’t been any other time to go.  We were out of food.

The real question is: Why was my schedule so full that I couldn’t even get groceries?

This is the kind of questioning we must do to change patterns in our lives.  It’s clear that being completely overbooked doesn’t help my health, and when I am that busy, I am not taking care of my mental, emotional, and physical self.  Yet, nothing is going to change without that magic question:

Why?

I like to ask it this way:  “Why am I doing this to myself?”

It makes me take gentle responsibility (we’re not trying to add self-pressure here, just become aware) for what’s going on in my life.

Usually, I am doing this to myself because of some belief or thought pattern of which I am unaware or avoiding.  It’s truly astonishing the myriad of ways we avoid ourselves.  Why do we do this?  Well, speaking for myself, because it’s damn hard to be authentic.

But it is oh, so worth it.

We often think that if we are authentic, we will upset the apple cart.  Someone will get mad at us.  Someone will be unhappy.  Someone will…whatever.  Fill in the blank.  This is why it’s difficult to be authentic – because our minds are so tricky.  They take us down the garden path and we end up not going where we want to go: to joy, health, and contentment.

Thank goodness we have that internal GPS system to tell us when we’re off route.  Our emotions let us know.  Thankfully, they don’t speak in that annoying monotone GPS-lady voice: “Off route.  Recalculating.”  They just let us know via bodily sensation we’re thinking something that isn’t serving us.

So, what isn’t working in your life right now?  Are you overbooking yourself, like I was?  Are you putting too much pressure on yourself in an area of your life?  Are you forcing perfection from yourself?  Put aside the health issue, the weight issue, or whatever seems to be the problem.  It’s not.  The problem wasn’t that I was overbooking myself.  The problem was that I was thinking I had to say yes to everything.

Ask the question: “Why am I doing this to myself?”  Then, write down the thoughts.  Notice them.  Go back and read last week’s post.  This is where you make serious change happen – within your mind.  Then, health simply has to follow.