What comes to mind when you think about emotional suppression?

Being a mind body coach trained by our very own Abigail Steidley and a long-time master at emotional suppression*, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, discussing and experiencing emotional suppression. But I didn’t realize until today that when I think about emotional suppression, I only think about suppressing the…shall we say, slightly less comfortable emotions…

I’m guessing you know exactly what I mean by slightly less comfortable emotions, but just in case you need to be hit on the head (gently, of course, with a silk pillow or an oh so soft stuffed pig named Twinkletoes), here’s what I mean:

Slightly less comfortable emotions = anger, sadness, rage, frustration, shame, irritability, fear, boredom, anxiety, desperation, loneliness, fill in your favorite here ___________

While you may derive a sort of dark pleasure from referring to these emotions as crappy, yucky, sucky, or anything your creative self wants to dream up, they in fact, like all emotions, are energy in the body and are inherently neither positive nor negative. However, the story we tell about our emotions and the way that we express them will create experiences that may feel pleasurable, highly unpleasant, and anything in between.

Most of us come to mind body healing not purely for the joy of feeling emotions that we may have worked hard (albeit subconsciously) to suppress since Lincoln was in office, but rather to find relief from our pain. We embark on this journey with the hope that if we do this challenging, unappealing (at least at first), often unfamiliar work, we’ll get a result we dearly want.

If we stay with the work—which may involve stopping and starting, moving forward and backward, and innumerable retreats into the comfort of our familiar patterns and habits—we eventually find what we’ve really been looking for all along. We find ourselves.

If you’d told me a few years ago—heck, maybe even a few months ago—that taking this path would lead me to more of the self I already was, I might have run screaming in the other direction. I didn’t want to be more of myself unless it involved being a happier, fitter, more together, cellulite free, incredibly stylish, and professionally successful version of me (just for starters).

But along the way something started to change. I’m still undergoing this process, but I’m at the point where more of me doesn’t sound like such a bad idea anymore, and I can definitely see how more of you would definitely be a welcome addition to this world. I used to hate it when other people wrote things like that. How could they know that I had a light inside me if I sure as heck couldn’t see it? They didn’t know me. And I may or may not have met you. But I do know that everyone, including you, whether you believe me or not, is welcome and wanted in this world. And I’m talking about the you that you are today—high energy or low energy, natural weight or more or less, disconnected or connected—you name it.

So what does this have to do with emotional suppression?

As my coach friend lovingly helped me to realize yesterday, when we suppress, it’s not only the so-called negative emotions that we’re suppressing. We suppress the whole kit and caboodle, including laughter, playfulness, joy, power and more. Our emotions come as a package deal.

And when we suppress emotion, we’re containing the expression of ourselves: our innate wisdom, energy, vitality, the expression of our individual uniqueness and brilliance and so much more. Whether we know it consciously or not, there is something within all of us that’s yearning to be expressed. As we learn to allow our emotions to move through us in the moment, we learn to experience and express the grace of who we are.

Suppression is most definitely not “bad”—we learn to contain our emotions as a creative response to what’s happening in our environment. And unlearning suppression, if we choose to do so, takes time and commitment. But if you ever need some extra motivation or inspiration when you’re feeling discouraged, remember that when you’re ready, in your time, the universe is waiting with open arms for more you.

* Here’s the short story of emotional suppression in case you’re new to mind body healing…because you’re human (at least I’m assuming you are if you’re reading this), you feel. It just happens, the way rain falls and the wind blows. But sometimes for a wide variety of reasons, we learn that some, or even most, emotions are not okay to feel. So we work very hard to keep from feeling these emotions—or even knowing that we have them at all—by tensing our muscles and creating distractions in our minds and in our lives. This is the short story of emotional suppression—if you’d like to learn more, you’ll find lots of great tools and resources on Abigail’s blog.

Choose to ask for support!

Have you ever been in a place of distress, whether it’s illness, grief, stress, or general upheaval, and found yourself longing for help from someone?  Anyone?  Please, God, just somebody help me?  And then getting a bit angry at God and everyone for not helping?

I have certainly been in that place many times, and I’ve noticed my anger quickly morphs to resentment towards loved ones and even random strangers on the street.  I feel alone, in a dark hole, and at a loss.  After roughly three million trips down this road, I have finally figured out how to climb out of the dark hole.  It’s so simple it’s almost ridiculous.  Here’s the secret:

Ask for help.

I know – light-bulb moment!  It’s so easy to be angry at everyone for not helping, but how can they help when you don’t ask?  Nobody else knows what it’s like inside you, so expecting them to know you need help just doesn’t make sense.   We often have a million reasons for not asking.  Such as:

He/She is going through a rough time right now.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I’m not worth it.
I should be able to do this all on my own.
I can’t afford it.
And so on…

These are all mental lies, designed to keep you in the place of powerlessness.  It never feels good to be the victim, although it can seem good, if you listen to your mind.  Your mind will toss out strong, valid-seeming reasons that you are wronged, and for a moment, you will feel justified and boosted.  Until the air leaks out of that balloon and there you are, by yourself, needing support and not asking for it.

Think how simple things would be if we were all just honest.  If you said – hey, I need help, could you please talk to me for an hour today?  We’re all so worried about what others will think of us, that we’ll appear weak, that we’ll appear vulnerable, and that we will lose friends or respect, that we lose our integrity.  Honesty is worth gold.  If I ask for help and that person can’t give it right now, I want to know.  I want to work towards a solution.  If someone needs my help, I want to know.  I like being honest with myself, too – who can I realistically expect to love and support me?

The more you ask for help, the easier it gets.  The very act of honestly asking for help begins to pull you out of the victim role.  You are choosing to reach out for something, which is actually YOU helping YOU.  Start today.  Who is on your support list?  If your list is small, that’s okay.  Start now, and you’ll begin to build your support system.  It starts with basic honesty.  You can be honest with the grocery store clerk you’ve never met before, and ask for help with your groceries.  You can be honest with a new friend, an old friend, or someone who you’d like to befriend.  Take responsibility for building your support system, and you will begin to reap the rewards.

I used to be afraid to ask, but I am done with that!  It’s a waste of time.  Now, I ask everyone.  Interestingly, I find that I am also more available for others.  This week, I reached out to a fellow coach and asked for coaching – twice.  I asked my mom for help on Tuesday.  I asked my husband for help last night.  I asked a group of friends for help yesterday.

All these small and large moments of help add up.  I feel good, and now I’m able to return the favor for my fellow coach – who asked for help.  I’m here, fully present, filled up, because I took responsibility for my own inner needs.  We are humans who long for connection.  But it is our job to reach out and connect.  It is our job to get specific about what we need or want, and verbalize it to others.

What do you need today?  Who do you need it from?  If they’re not available, who else would you contact?  I invite you to try it!  The more you ask, the more you’ll find that you are also available to support you.  You are also a great resource for yourself!  Create your support system anew each day.  Everything is a two-way street.

For example:  I write this blog to support you, in your journey toward health, weight loss, happiness, and spiritual connection.  You support me by reading it – without you, it would not be the same!  We are connected.  Sometimes you write me emails, and I support you by answering.  Today, I’m asking for your support!  I’m going to spend two weeks with myself and my family, and won’t be writing.  So I ask you to kindly wait two weeks for the next post, and then join me again in January for a fun year of new topics!  All support is ebb and flow, give and receive, and constant movement.

Speaking of the holidays, I’d like to send you a quick energetic gift.  Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and know that I am sending you love and am full of gratitude for your participation and communication.  You make my days fun, because you listen, read, comment, email, and get coached.  I am grateful for every single person who reads what I write, and I’m wishing you all a fabulous holiday season.

And to my fellow coaches out there – thank you for your ever-present gifts and talents, and know that I am sending you all lots of love as well.  Sometimes it might feel lonely, sitting in your room there, in front of your computer, writing, putting your work out there into the world.  Know that you are always connected, even without phone calls or emails, to myself and all the other coaches.  Breathe in that connection and love whenever you need a lift.  And – create YOUR support system, too!  Reach out and email, pick up the phone, or whatever, but take a moment to connect.  It starts with you.

This could be an easy week to put a lot of pressure on myself.  Here are the things I could be “shoulding” about:

1.    I should make my house look great for the Thanksgiving relative influx
2.    I should get my to-do list done prior to next week, because I won’t be working next week
3.    I should cook meals for my husband this week
4.    I should be writing the rough draft of my book this week
5.    I should be writing an extra blog post for next week
6.    I should be responding to emails within 24 hours
7.    I should be on top of the shopping and planning

Thankfully, I’ve tasted the blissful freedom of life without constant shoulds.   I watch them pop up in my mind, and smile.  Those shoulds can’t even tempt me anymore!  I am wise to their ways.  I know that if I believe them, I’ll feel tension creeping into my body and a weight descending on my soul.  Self-pressure is at the root of much of the physical tension we experience.  This tension is not something the human body can withstand for long without developing pain.  I remember being totally flabbergasted when I realized I was holding constant tension in my pelvic floor muscles.  With that revelation, I could easily see why pain had developed in that region.

Take off the shoulds, and you’ll begin to taste freedom and relaxation, too.   When I read the above “should” list, I feel my Essential Self drooping.  There’s no way she’s going to let me take on those things.  She has much better ideas.   Here are the things I’m actually doing this week:

1.    Folding a little laundry, but otherwise leaving the house as-is
2.    Moving to-do’s that simply don’t fit into my schedule onto future weeks
3.    Cooking nothing – last night’s dinner involved a lot of toast, and we’re out of butter.  My husband actually poured olive oil on his toast.
4.    Taking a week off of writing, guilt free
5.    Writing this week’s blog post and letting next week’s fend for itself – or not
6.    Keeping unanswered emails for the future – guilt free
7.    Neither shopping nor planning.  On Monday, I spent the entire afternoon with my mom, doing nothing holiday related whatsoever.

My essential self loves this list.  This week, I am doing what I know is right for me, and nothing more.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  Next week, my in-laws are coming to celebrate with us, and we are spending Wednesday and Thursday together.  Next week, my mom is having surgery on Monday.  She’s not going to be up for a Thanksgiving shindig.    Spending time with Mom – absolutely right.  We needed some time together before she leaves for the hospital.  Work can wait.  Emails can wait.  Thanksgiving dinner can be on paper plates.

What are you not doing this week?

Today, I am inspired to talk about doing less and still getting it all done.  Do those two concepts seem competitive instead of complimentary?  Think again!

This is one of my favorite topics, which is why I decided to create the Do Less, Be More telecourse this month (details above).  Let me tell you more about the intention behind this class, and why I so love this topic!

One of the underlying issues beneath both physical pain and weight issues is the practice of over-efforting.  Yes, I just made up that word.  I kind of like it, actually!  It describes my past lifestyle and habits perfectly.  I am certainly not a zen master, but I have learned a great deal about why I put more effort and energy into everything than is strictly necessary – and how to get better results by doing less.

Quickly, though, I want to define doing less.  Most people probably think of doing less as actually having fewer activities, projects, and to-do’s in the schedule.  To some extent, that is part of doing less.  But doing less also means doing less unnecessary mental activity.  Have you ever noticed just how much mental energy you exert on things that are actually quite simple?  What is all that mental energy?  Usually, it’s one of the following:

Planning
Ruminating
Worrying
Reviewing
Thinking

I’ve certainly found I spend enormous amounts of time engaged in those mental activities around quite simple and small issues in my life.  This is making a mountain out of a molehill – but just in my own mind.

Thinking, planning, ruminating, worrying, and reviewing takes a lot of mental energy.  Since we can’t disconnect the mind from the body, this means it takes up a lot of energy, in general, from your physical reserves.  Things that seem simple are exhausting and overwhelming.  Soon, your body lets you know via illness or pain that you’ve seriously depleted your reserves.  You start looking for ways to feel better and up your energy (though this is often quite unconscious), whether via overeating, over-vegging, over-exercising, or other activities.

Without tools to decrease the amount of mental energy you’re exerting, you end up taking this mental habit into the rest of your life.  You start to try harder.  If something goes wrong, your first move is to work harder and do more.  If you’re trying to lose weight, this might mean adding in more exercise, or working out harder.  If you’re struggling with pain, you might try to do more mind-body work, or see more doctors/health practitioners.  Yet, all this extra effort rarely pays off.

Every time I’ve moved into an over-efforting pattern, I’ve ended up more tired, more overwhelmed, and more frustrated.  It usually creates some kind of issue in my physical body as well.  It often makes whatever I’m trying to get done even harder, and I often don’t get the results I want.

We live in a culture of doing.  We underestimate the power of less.  We even think of “being” activities like meditation as things we need to add to our to DO list, and chastise ourselves for not getting it done.

Doing less and being more is not about your to-do list.  It’s about your mind.  It’s about your emotions.  It’s about this moment, right now, and how much energy you’re putting forth.  Does it match the amount of effort truly needed?  Have you experimented to find out?

Doing less is a little more complicated than you realized, isn’t it?  Not to worry – once you start experimenting, you’ll see what I’m talking about.  If you want to know everything I know about making your life work with less energy and effort, join me next week for my Do Less, Be More telecourse.  It’s going to be a blast, and what better time to learn these tools?  Your holidays can be the perfect practice ground.  (Can’t make the class time?  No worries – calls will be recorded and sent to you.  You still get live participation in the online support forum and the worksheets.  This is one to-do that you can schedule at your leisure!)

Come chat with me on my new Facebook page!  (Link below.)

The Healthy Life Coach – Helping You Create Your Healthy Life

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Are you aware of when and why you are pushing yourself beyond your body’s recommendations?  I used to think I would be pushing myself only if I was, say, training for the Olympics.  Now, I understand I’m pushing myself if I feel tension in my stomach and don’t take a moment to listen to the inherent message.  Pushing myself can be as simple as going out with friends when I’m actually tired and would like an evening at home.

The flip side of listening to our bodies and not pushing ourselves unhealthily is going one step further and actually nurturing ourselves.  It sounds great, we talk about doing it, but do we put it in our schedules?  Do we even know what nurtures us?

If you’re in pain, ill, or overweight, you have not been nurturing yourself. Your body is asking for a deeper kind of self-nurture that goes beyond bubble baths and the occasional massage.  In fact, deep self-nurture takes work.  It takes effort.  Just like in any relationship, you get what you put into your relationship with yourself.

Self-nurturing is about taking time to listen to what your body and inner self are saying.  What are those messages your body is trying to convey?  Maybe it really wants you to know that you’re thinking all kinds of stressful thoughts that aren’t true.  Maybe it wants you to realize that you’re a novel writer at heart and you’ve been denying your creativity all these years.  Maybe it wants you to know that your gut feelings regarding that relationship you’re unsure about are on target.  Whatever it is, it’s always helpful, always important, and always the next step on your path to living authentically.

Living authentically can be damn hard.  It means telling yourself the truth.  It’s amazing how much we try to ignore and deny in our lives, because we don’t want to rock the boat, make others unhappy, or do things that would bring perceived criticism or judgment our way.  I have denied massive truths in my own life, only to have my body collapse under the weight of shoving such knowledge out of my awareness.  Self-nurturing is having the courage to look at truth and acknowledge it.  Even though this will sometimes rock the boat, it always brings an enormous sense of relief.  You’ll feel it – your body will relax.  What it’s been trying to tell you has finally been heard.

You may have to sit quietly with yourself, with your journal, snuggled in a blanket, every day for months.  Eventually, however, truths will emerge.  You will have given yourself the gift of focusing on your internal world – your thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  That’s all it takes to begin releasing stress, physical pain, and extra weight.

It’s so easy to not do this kind of self-nurture.  It’s easy to overbook ourselves, escape into activity, overeating, ruminating endlessly, shopping, reading novels, etc.  These are all just ways to avoid looking at our internal world.  I know, having done those things and more for most of my life.  Until, of course, I finally started listening to what my body was trying to say.  Until I took the time to look inward, every day.  Now, it is such a healing, beloved part of my life that I can’t imagine living without this kind of self-nurturing.

If you start with this kind of self-nurture, it will soon expand to other things.  You’ll discover that play is a form of self-nurture.  You’ll begin exploring all the ways that you can make yourself feel loved.  Because that’s what’s really behind self-nurturing, and that’s really what your body and inner self are aching to receive.  Your love.  Directed inward, toward yourself.  One of my favorite fellow coaches, Jeannette Maw, recommends asking the question: What feels like love today?

Today, love might feel like a good cry.  A walk.  A journal entry.  A conversation with a good friend.  A meditation.  A nap.  It might feel like paying attention to what you’re really feeling, all day long.  And so much more…

It’s for you to discover.  And what a fun exploration – diving into you, to learn about you, and find out what does make you feel nurtured and loved.  If you start with awareness time and inward focus, you’ll find out so much, so quickly.

Want help with this project? Join me and fellow Master Coach Susan Hyatt for a 4-week telecourse all about taking care of you during the holidays and beyond.  For details, click here!