So here’s a deep, dark, confidence secret. SHHHHH. Close the door. Ready?

It’s okay to not feel 100% awesome about yourself, all the time. It’s okay to be where you are, in this moment, feeling whatever you’re feeling. Part of being confident and having self-worth is knowing that you don’t have to do anything perfectly – including confidence. Even though my overall confidence has improved greatly, I still have days when I don’t feel confident.

Yet, my experience now is so different from what it used to be. Now, I am okay with not being okay. I am even okay with not really being okay with being okay. Just try to figure that one out! What I’m trying to say is – I’m in a new place of awareness about myself.  I don’t have to be on top of the world to feel good about myself. I’m not perfectly achieving anything or living a perfectly raining-rose-petals daily life, and I have in fact made approximately seven-hundred faux pas today alone. Still, even in my crappiest self esteem moments, I feel an underlying sense of peace with who I am.

I used to have the misperception that other people had it all figured out, or were perfect, or never felt bad about themselves, ever. I thought I was less than if I didn’t do things perfectly or “right,” or feel great about myself all the time. I wanted to be one of those people who had it all figured out and had risen above, somehow. I didn’t realize that the way to true confidence and self-worth traverses through the messy, human, imperfections in all of us. Having it all figured out is a myth. I didn’t know that by letting myself being imperfect and human, I’d float up to the surface and find joy.

This is why I love mind-body healing so much. I started out trying to find pain relief from vulvoynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome, and I ended up discovering gold. I discovered how to feel better about myself, how to truly ease off the pressure I put on myself, and how to love even my most human, messed-up, messy, ugly, blechy moments. Which means I can relax into my very humanness, my very imperfection, and land into a place of peace, even when I’m not doing all of this relaxing into myself perfectly. That may sound like a paradox, but it’s the best I can do to explain this at the moment.

How did this happen? Well, it was a natural expansion of using the mind-body healing process for pain relief.  The mind-body healing process essentially reconnects you to your soul. This means you can hear your soul wisdom. You can finally see yourself from the vantage point of your soul. Over time, spending more and more moments seeing from that vantage point creates a totally new perspective. The more time you consciously spend there, the more you naturally and effortlessly end up there. This means your mind spends more time telling you what your soul is saying and less time telling you tall tales. Again – it’s not about perfection. We’re just looking to tip the scales here, so that you eventually spend more time seeing how incredible, amazing, talented, and special you are and less time criticizing yourself.

If you’re having a crappy self esteem day (or month…or year…) you will be more likely to believe your mind when it tells you how awful your butt looks or how you are an idiot for messing up that presentation, etc. You will be more likely to look at others and think they have it all figured out and pulled together. (My colleague and friend Jessica Steward calls this compare and despair. How awesome is that!) Yet, even if your mind is doing that, you can step back and observe it, notice it, and know, even though you kind of believe your mind right now, that your soul sees you differently.

Your soul sees you through the eyes of love, always. It loves you unconditionally. It knows you are always okay, so it never worries about you. It knows that you are perfectly lovely, mistakes and all, cellulite and all, bad hair days and all. It sees your humanness with a mix of gentle laughter and a loving, nurturing embrace. It wants to hold you close and stroke your hair, let you cry it out, and then celebrate with you as joy returns. Your soul is like the most mothering, nurturing, loving being you can possibly imagine.

Confidence doesn’t happen when you finally get it all right, reach perfection, do it as good as so-and-so did, or attain your lofty, weighty goals. Confidence happens when you hear your soul. It happens when you and your soul are on the same page, and you let your soul sing. It happens when you spend time practicing linking up with your soul, which means connecting to your body, feeling your emotions, and consciously opening up to your soul wisdom. Not sure how to put that all together? Oh, don’t you worry! It’s coming! Stay tuned. I’m writing away like mad these days.

Suffice it to say, your soul knows the biggest secrets of all.

Here’s the first one: We are all equals. We are all geniuses. We are all amazing. We are all special. We are all unique, and have unique things to offer, in our own unique ways. No one is more incredible than someone else. We’re just all on our own individual incredible path, showing up as these fascinatingly individual people. We are all human. We are none of us superwoman, and yet we are all superwoman, at the same time. We are humanly divine and divinely human.

Here’s the second one: There’s nothing wrong with you, no matter what you think you need to change about yourself to be “better.” That’s the biggest tall tale of all. You are already okay – in fact, much more than okay – exactly as you are. Even if you committed the faux pas I committed today, even if you are still overweight, even if you spent time crying under a blanket and hiding from the world yesterday (oh yes, this still happens, even when you’ve learned to love yourself!), even if you aren’t where you think you should be with whatever is on your mind, you are loved. You are a part of this great big playground of human beings, and you get to be here, to play, even on your worst days. You are part of the whole, even as you strike out on your own to create your own, individual work in the world.

That’s how you know your own self-worth. You listen to this wise soul of yours, and you follow its guidance. What you end up with may look totally different than other people, and that’s okay. It’s about learning to trust your own unique spin on life. There is no wrong way. You can’t really avoid the wrong way or find the right way. Instead, you have to look for your individual way, as told to you by your soul. Because I’m a musician, I like to call that your soul song. Sing it, baby!

Have you ever felt like your body was filled with lead and actually doing the items on your list was harder than pushing a boulder uphill?

Have you ever forced yourself to do them all anyway, and ended up feeling exhausted, doing less-than-awesome work, and feeling downright horrible?

Nah. That’s probably never happened to you.

It has, however, happened to me! At least a few times each month, I experience this phenomenon we call resistance.

I used to beat myself up and feel guilt for even experiencing it, and then push myself through to the finish line with dogged determination. I used to think that if I forced myself to work through resistance, I’d get over it. I used to completely ignore my body whenever it had the lead-filled feeling.

It’s REALLY hard to ignore your body when your hoo-ha is on fire, your bladder is spasming, you have terrible gas all the time, and your knees throb.

Which is, of course, the point.

My body got seriously tired of me ignoring it. And after several years of learning how to listen to it, I now have a different reaction to the lead-filled feeling. I realize it means I need to stop. Now. Check-in. Breathe. Ask my body what it needs. Listen. Obey.

Resistance tells us to stop. If we honor that, we learn something important.

Like: It’s time to rest. I need more singing in my life. My body wants to sleep more this week. I feel like taking up dancing. I never did write that book I meant to write. I need to connect with a friend. This project is big, and I need help. I need to learn to delegate. That idea isn’t right for this project/moment/year. I need a date with my spouse. I need to play in the park with my kids. Time to shift my priorities. Today is not a creative day. Today is not a working day. I need to breathe deeply more often. Etc.

Whatever the message is, it’s something we need to hear. So resistance comes up to make us stop, listen, and learn. Which is why overriding the resistance is not helpful. It’s okay if it doesn’t all get done today. It’s okay if it’s not perfect. It’s just plain okay.

Stop.

Okay, ladies.  It’s time to stop sucking in your stomach.

Take a quick survey.  Are you sucking it in right now?

If so, here’s the big question:  WHY?  (Really, is anyone looking at your stomach in this very moment?)

A few weeks ago, I realized I had inadvertently engaged in this unhelpful habit yet again.  I was walking around, breathless, holding my lower abdominal muscles inward throughout the day.  Ack!  This is a habit I spent a good year breaking, so I was annoyed to find it had returned.

It’s also a habit many women share.  The flat stomach myth is greatly perpetuated in our culture, so it’s no wonder that many fitness and fashion gurus actually advise sucking the stomach in throughout the day.  Unfortunately, this habit creates havoc in the pelvic floor region and in our normal breathing patterns.  Whether you’re wanting to find pain relief from vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, or irritable bowel syndrome, hoping to lose weight, or just trying to feel more content and peaceful, this is a habit that’s gotta go.

My answer to the big question above is quite simple.  I want my stomach to look flat, and I have the misconception that it is supposed to be flat.  I have bought the party line, in other words.

As you ponder changing this habit, I imagine you’ll find many different thoughts, fears, and self-judgments.  Perfect!  These are all aiding and abetting you in perpetuating this unhelpful habit.  This is a perfect place to practice your thought-work skills.  None of these things you are thinking about yourself are true, and it’s high time we stopped believing in the stomach myth.

First of all, stomachs are not really designed to be flat. Even in very fit people, there is a lovely rounded low-belly area.  In people who practice low-belly breathing regularly, this rounded low belly has a muscular look to it.  This is because these people have strong breathing muscles and are fully oxygenating their body with every breath.  NOTHING decreases pain, tension, and panic faster than deep, low-belly breathing.

I hope you see the irony here.  The people with the pooch are actually healthier and happier!  You don’t have to stick your belly out, but you do have to befriend your belly enough to enjoy a relaxed, loose lower abdomen.  (And models posing for photo shoots are sucking in, for sure.  Don’t let that be your beautiful belly guide!)

Second of all, sucking in your stomach means you are creating tension in the lower abdomen. Tension is not a bad thing, unless it is present all the time.  There are times when you need to tense the lower abdominal muscles, but doing so every minute of the day simply fatigues these muscles and creates imbalances.  If you aren’t letting the breath flow in and out of the lower abdomen, you are missing out on the most useful element of your own breathing patterns.  The deep, low-belly breath is the most efficient breath.  (Ever watched a baby breathe?)  It oxygenates your body quickly, calms your nervous system, and aids digestion.  It helps your mind stop circling in worry or panic mode.  And it energizes your whole body.  All of these elements of the low-belly breath help you reduce pain and connect with yourself and your emotions.  Which means less overeating, more relaxation, and a calmer mind.

When I told my husband I was unlearning my belly-holding habit, he looked confused.  “You hold in your stomach ALL THE TIME?”  He asked.  He was astonished.  Holding in his stomach had never occurred to him, ever.  Seriously.

Holding in one’s belly, in the name of beauty, health, or some other reason, just isn’t worth it.  This is one cultural ideal to toss out so you can embrace true beauty, which comes from your oxygenated, energized self.

In Qigong, the lower abdomen is called the Dan Tien, or Tan Tien, the “field of the elixir of life.”   A flat belly is considered a bad sign and signals sexual repression/dysfunction and weak life force energy.   Holding this area in is said to make the muscles pull up and tight, which is reflected in our emotional lives and makes us mentally and emotionally uptight.  Yikes!

I’m going with lots of energy in the field of the elixir of life, personally.  I choose breath and energy.  I choose to love my rounded lower belly.  I choose to allow myself to relax and release the muscles.  I’m done being uptight.  I’m ready to choose my own belly ideal, and it has nothing to do with flatness.

If you’re ready, too, let’s join forces and free our bellies!  No more holding ourselves hostage to ridiculous, external ideals.

About an hour before the call I noticed a stabbing pain in my stomach.  Twenty minutes before the call, my older son’s caregiver told me she wasn’t feeling well and asked to go home.  At the precise time the call was scheduled to begin, my sister rang to ask when she could drop off my younger son.  My thoughts drifted to the tower of projects perched on my desk.  I asked myself, might it be better to reschedule (for the third time?)

The scenario above provides a perfect example of when my mind does it’s very best to distract me from doing my work.  It really “thinks” it’s doing the right thing by throwing in the stomach pain or the phone call from the sister – anything to keep the decoy strategy alive.

The initial purpose for the call was to find the reason for my late night eating when I wasn’t hungry.  I had ten extra pounds of suppressed emotions camping out on my hips and I was ready to find out why.  All the little distractions that led up to the call were my mind’s way of avoiding the examination of some painful thoughts.

So, I climbed into bed, took a deep breath and made the call.  The “Whys” were ready to surface.

I looked myself directly in the mind and answered my coach’s questions honestly, openly and without judgment.  Bottom line, I was in attack and judgment mode and felt crappy.  All the while I rubbed my stomach trying to ease the painful cramping.

Thirty minutes into the call I made a break through.  I took a deep breath and laughed and in that moment noticed the stabbing pain in my stomach was completely gone.  My body knew I was believing a lie and when I let go of the belief that anything had to be different than it was, my body relaxed and said thank you.  When I’m in a state of loving what is, everything around me and in my mind is full of love.

What’s cool is that when I “fall out of love”, I have this reference to return to at any time.  My body is there to gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) get my attention to let me know I’m believing a painful story that’s untrue.

Do you remember a time when you experienced physical pain that seemed to appear with no explanation?  Do you recall what was happening in your life at that moment in time?  What was your emotional state?  Were you stressed, anxious, fearful, or sad?  Can you recall if you wanted something to be different?

When your body starts to hurt in all kinds of interesting ways including pelvic pain, a migraine, back pain, Interstitial Cystitis, or IBS to name a few, it’s doing the very best it can to show you, teach you, let you know there’s a valuable message for you to discover.  Start asking yourself questions to discover the truth.  When you do, you’ll be delighted to find the pain dissipate and crawl back into the recesses of your body and wait to serve as a messenger when you get distracted.  And maybe next time you’ll notice it just a little bit earlier until it only needs to be a whisper instead of loud, chronic pain.

If you’d like help with the questions, I’d love to support you through your discovery.

Cheers to 2011 and to listening to the wisdom of your body.  It never lies.

Generally, what happens is we focus on the result of this process.  We study our illnesses, whether they are frequent colds and flus, infections, vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, back pain, or something else.  We pay lots of attention to the result when we need to be looking at the process itself.  We need to be asking questions like, “Why am I living in a constant state of stress and fight or flight?” and “How can I stop this pattern?”

Nobody sets out to live their life with stress and constant fight or flight.  You’re probably not waking up every morning, choosing to suppress emotions, think panic thoughts, and generally stress yourself out.  All of that happens when you don’t understand how the mind and body work together, and how much power you have to create the lasting health you want.

I understand that if you’re feeling symptoms or pain, you’d like them to ease off.  Yet, it’s a catch-22.  In order for the symptoms to ease off, you’ll need to relax out of fight or flight and change the habits that are creating this reaction in your body.  Which, of course, takes time.  So, today I’m giving you a short, fast combination of tools that can take the pain down several notches very quickly while you’re working on the long-term changes.

It’s the combination of tools here that is effective, so do put them together.  None of them take more than a couple minutes, and can be easily added to your daily life.

1)   Pay attention to the muscles in the area where you have symptoms.  For pelvic syndromes, this will be the pelvic floor muscles.  Notice how these muscles feel.  Are they tight?  Do they feel like they are lifting something and are contracted upward, into your body?  If you’re focusing on another area, see if you can find the specific muscle contraction.  Breathe into this area of muscle tension, and mentally direct the muscles to relax.  For the pelvic floor muscles, focus on dropping them downward, as though you were preparing to urinate, or like the relaxed end of a kegel exercise.  Imagine your backside softening and relaxing, like jello, or butter – as though it could spread outward and melt into the chair.  Imagine your hips widening and relaxing.  (I realize nobody wants their backside to look like jello or butter – we’re talking about a FEELING here.)  Once you’ve relaxed the primary area of tension, see if any secondary areas need to relax.  Often, you’ll find tension in more than just the area where you feel symptoms.  Repeat this awareness and conscious relaxation every 30 minutes throughout the day.  Keep it up and you’ll begin to notice a huge difference.  By consciously relaxing your muscles, you are telling your body there’s no need for fight or flight.   It will learn to relax consistently, allowing healing in the areas where tension prevailed.

2)   Ask yourself what you are feeling, emotionally, after you’ve relaxed the muscles.  The primary reason we tighten and clench muscles is to hold emotional awareness at a distance.  Emotional energy flows through our bodies constantly.  To stop this, you only have one option: clench a muscle.  By becoming aware of what you are feeling, you release the need to hold tension, tell your body that fight or flight is not necessary, and allow healing to happen.  Sure, you will now feel the discomfort of your emotions.  However, you will quickly feel a lot less physical pain.  And, emotions do not last forever.  They come and go.  Once you can learn to flow with them and just let them be there, they will leave of their own accord.

3)   Breathe.  Nothing fancy here.  Just notice your breathing.  See what it feels like to breathe in and out.  Don’t try to breathe “right” or “better.”  Just be aware of this natural, tension-releasing process.  Enjoy it.  Let your body breathe exactly as it wants to.

That’s it!  Yes, it’s that simple, and yes, it works.  Repeat these three steps every 30 minutes, daily, for a week, and you’ll see results fast.  You’ll feel more relaxed, because you are helping your body release the fight or flight response from all angles.  You’ll begin reprogramming yourself and dropping old habits.  You’ll feel that healing is possible and happening.  You’ll notice breaks in the symptom intensity, or moments of no symptoms whatsoever.  As usual, the only side effect is more relaxation, the possibility of happiness, and relief – both physically and emotionally.

And then, it happens.  3 days of pain!  A backlash!  Suddenly you feel terrible again!  You are freaking out!

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Another one.

And another one.

This is normal.

The mind-body healing process is not linear.  You will have periods of time when you feel really well, and periods of time when you don’t.  THIS DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING BAD.  In fact, it just means that it’s working.  The body and mind need time to process emotional and physical healing on different levels.  Eventually, you will experience very few periods of pain and predominantly live with pain-free health.  Then, those few periods of pain will disappear.  However, if one pops up every now and then, it’s not cause for panic.

Here’s why:

You must remember that the pain itself is simply a messenger.  This is why I like to throw away the words vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia…they don’t really mean anything, anyway.  They are just fancy names for pain.  If you are experiencing pain/symptoms, even after long periods of wellness, it does not mean that you have failed, the mind-body tools aren’t working, or any other such dire thoughts.  Those are just THOUGHTS.  What it means is you have missed a cue from your body somewhere.  You stuffed some emotions, you aren’t listening to something important inside you, have been putting pressure on yourself/saying negative things to yourself, or you have been ignoring your own needs/wants in some fashion.

So try this:

Thank your pain.

Really!

Because it’s here to remind you of something important, something you kind of knew but glossed over.  It’s keeping you on the self-love straight-and-narrow.  It will not let you get too far out of alignment with your true self.  You have a magic body that keeps you honest and refuses to let you be hard on yourself.

How do I know?

I have one too, thank goodness.  Without it, I would never have learned that loving myself is the most important thing, my number one job in this human body.  I don’t always love myself perfectly, but I do focus on it every single day.

Don’t believe the wild, scary thoughts your mind is spewing about the pain.  Simply thank the pain, and then start looking.  Where do you need to remove self pressure?  Were do you need to feel an emotion?  Where do you need to get really honest with yourself?  Were do you need a big old dose of self love?

Thank you, pain, oh wise teacher.

Before my years of vulvodynia, irritable bowel syndrome, and interstitial cystitis, I did a lot of hiding from myself and others.  I was afraid to be who I really was and spent many an hour criticizing myself and avoiding looking at what I really wanted out of life.  I worried constantly about what others thought of me and sought approval and validation outside of myself.  I couldn’t love me, so I wanted other people to do the job.  Turns out it doesn’t work that way.

My body, under the constant stress of me rejecting myself, soon balked.  As many of you know, the road to pain relief includes accepting yourself – all parts of yourself – learning how to love who you really are, and live your life authentically. This might mean something concrete and obvious, like shifting your career to mirror your life calling, or something more subtle like expressing your true opinions and emotions instead of making them wrong.  It might mean doing both.

I have found that to stay pain-free, I must continually be aware of any attempts to hide and, instead, bravely be myself.  First, alone, and then with others.  The moment I forget to do this, I accumulate tension somewhere in my body, and we all know that is the precursor to pain.   Though being completely authentic might sound scary at first, I’ve learned that it’s worth the initial “eeek” you might feel every time you go one level deeper.  The rewards include pain-relief, good-bye vulvodynia et al, and also the incredibly important but often overlooked experience we call joy.

As I’ve shed a few more layers in the last couple of months, I’ve reveled in an ever-increasing state of authenticity and joy.  You’ll notice I wrote about being not okay and about implementing the self-love practice I call the Love List.  I’ve given myself the homework of being absolutely real in each and every post.  It’s sometimes a little scary, but it’s always worth it.

The funny thing about hiding is that we usually only think we’re hiding something.  Then, when we’re not looking, it squeezes out through the cracks and becomes blatantly obvious to those around us.  So, hiding is utterly useless anyway.

I’ve discovered I’ve been making a futile attempt to hide a gigantic chunk of who I really am from you, and it’s not working. I’ve had thoughts about you, faithful reader, such as you will stop reading if I reveal this part of myself.  Thankfully, I am onto those thoughts and am no longer giving them any credence.  So, here goes.

For me, the result of choosing a mind-body path to end the pain of vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, etc., was much larger than pain relief and health.  It was the beginning of an entirely new awareness, often referred to as spiritual awakening.  I am certainly not claiming enlightenment, but I am claiming a new understanding of myself and a connection to something bigger.  I like the word Source, but you may prefer Universe, God, or something else.

I had no idea that having severe vulvar pain and an annoying host of bladder symptoms would become a spiritual experience.  Had you told me that in the early stages, I would have laughed and rolled my eyes at such utter ridiculousness.  And yet…that’s exactly what happened.  I ventured into a completely new world, in which Source was love, and I was the recipient of this love.  It was immensely healing, on all levels.

I met many people who taught me and guided me on my spiritual path.   At first, I was skeptical and could hardly believe I was even considering all these spiritual and mystical concepts.  Yet, there I was, experiencing the power of energy healing, not just from Healing Touch practitioners, but from my own light-energy meditations and visualizations.  I was benefitting from these experiences, so often given little credence and referred to as “out there” or “woo woo.”

I didn’t want to become a crazy “woo woo” person who spent all her time in alternate realities, wore odd clothing, and smelled of incense.  I didn’t want to terrify my husband, lose friends, and be termed a weirdo.  Yet, I continually found myself in mystical bookstores, yoga classes, and other such places.  My reading list became largely spiritual and energy-healing related.  I loved it.

Over time, more and more of this “woo woo” stuff made its way into my life.  (I use the term woo woo affectionately.  I kind of like it.)  I read a lot of books and learned how to integrate spirituality and practicality – keeping one foot firmly planted in everyday life, so to speak.  I discovered that I can reap the benefits of a spiritual practice and still enjoy and use science and rationality.  I found a comfortable balance for myself.

Now, the time has come to come out of the woo woo closet.  The truth is, I use energy healing daily and feel a deep connection to Source.  This plays a huge role in my continuing health and happiness.  If I don’t start writing about this, I am depriving you of incredible healing tools.  I am also not being fully authentic, and that just doesn’t feel right.  I will never force any spiritual tools on you, and I can certainly teach you how to heal without focusing in that direction, but my soul is asking me to write about this, at long last.  I have learned how to hear the messages from my soul without needing the pain messenger, and so I will do as my soul asks.  It feels right and relaxing to do so.   Even as I write this, I feel a bubbling up of joy and delight.  I love being fully authentic, and authentic me includes a large dose of woo.

It is possible that you are hiding parts of yourself, too. Most of us are, but if you keep peeling back the layers and revealing your true self, I promise you that your health will get better and better.  You’ll feel self-love, joy, and peace.  I am not sure if we ever finish this authenticity process, but I am sure that it’s worth doing.  Today, take a moment to write in your journal.  Is there something you know about yourself that you’d like to fully embrace?  Start by embracing it all by yourself, with the door closed.  Baby steps are perfect.

And look forward to many more blog posts about spiritual healing tools and a variety of practical woo woo concepts you can use in your daily life, should you so desire.

Really excited that I’ve come out of the woo woo closet?  Want to delve into these powerful tools right away?  Then you might enjoy the upcoming Woo Woo Weekend for Practical Mystics, featuring Yo-Ching(SM), the innovative yoga and mind-body coaching combo.

This week, I just want to tell you a story.  I experienced lots of gratitude this week, and the result was a whole lot of feeling good!

I collected my mail one day this week to find an envelope sent from Japan.  I puzzled over it for a minute, trying to think who in the world would be sending me something from there.  I drew a blank.  I opened the envelope and pulled out a beautiful note folded around another envelope.  I read the note with utter astonishment, because it was the very last thing I imagined or expected.  It was a note from an anonymous blog reader expressing gratitude for a recent post I wrote: It’s Okay to not Be Okay.  Inside the envelope was a crisp one-hundred dollar bill.

My husband, who was opening his mail, heard my gasp of astonishment and read the note over my shoulder.  Then we just stared at each other for a moment.  It’s difficult to describe the emotion I felt in that moment – it was a mixture of gratitude, love, and joy.  Knowing that this anonymous reader was so moved by a post as to go to all that trouble was just – amazing!

It reminded me of the power of sharing our gratitude out loud.  There are so many ways to do this each day, and each time we do, we spread love and healing.  This blog reader was writing to thank me for helping her, and in doing so, helped me.  The love and joy I felt in that moment was powerful.  I could feel it washing through my body in waves.  I am grateful for her willingness to send that message to me.

I also realized, in that moment, that I’d like to share my gratitude out loud more often.  I felt the power of being on the receiving end, and I know how great it feels to be on the giving end.  It’s like a daily dose of the best free medicine out there!

This is today’s out-loud gratitude moment:

Week after week, I sit down at my computer and I write to you.  Usually I have one or two of you in mind as I write – a client I spoke to, a person who emailed with a question.  Sometimes I write to an imaginary mix of several people I’ve interacted with recently.  Sometimes I write to myself.  The thing I love about blogging is that it’s like writing a giant letter.  It feels like a love letter when I write it, because I am in love with writing to you, and I love all of you readers out there.  I feel a sense of community with you all and love connecting like this each week.  It’s our weekly healing – yours and mine – on many different levels.

It was healing for me to write the It’s Okay to not Be Okay post, and it was also slightly nerve-wracking.  It felt right, and it felt fun, but I was putting myself out there, nonetheless, as raw and real as it gets.  (Though as I write that, I’m laughing at myself. Hello!  I write a blog about vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome.)  To know that it served someone, many someone’s, in fact, was very helpful to me.  So, today, I just want to thank everyone who wrote a response to that post.  I heard from some of you on Facebook, others via email, several of you posted comments below, and then, there was the note from Japan.

Thank you all, so, so much.  I don’t usually think about getting a response back from you all when I sit down to write.  I am comfortable knowing that wherever you are, whoever you are, you’re reading this and receiving whatever you need most.  I know that not every post will resonate with you, and I know that you might not feel like writing a comment on a public blog about vaginas.  So I just write because I love to write.  I love to talk about being whole, being who we are really meant to be in this world – beautiful, loved, loving, healthy, joyful beings.

But I have to admit – hearing back from you is awfully fun.  It gives me a little energy boost to know you are enjoying reading as much as I am writing.   Today, I am full of gratitude, for all of you.  I am sharing it out loud, and that feels great.  Whoever you are, kind note-writer from Japan, thank you so much for helping me this week.

I started out looking online, stopping by various forums and researching.  I quickly discovered this was a terrifying thing to do.  I know that many forums start with the intention of supporting people in difficult situations, but it doesn’t take long for a very fearful environment to take shape.  I do recognize that there are some forums where this has not happened.  For the most part, however, online pelvic pain  support forums are riddled with fear.

I was not looking for fear.  I already had plenty of that.  I wanted hope.  I wanted someone to say to me, “Yes, you can heal from this.”  Eventually, I realized I needed to widen my search and look into alternative medicine.  Even that research, though, had its unhelpful moments.  I took piles of supplements, rubbed magical creams on sensitive tissues, and ate specific, horrendously restrictive diets.  Not much happened, other than the violent allergic reaction to said magical cream.  (That’s right – hives on the sensitive tissues for weeks.)

This is why, when I encountered the breathing teacher who told me breathing would reduce my pain, I wept with joy.  Here was a completely normal, simple thing I could do for myself, as much as I wanted, that was safe and helpful.  It was in that moment that I first felt hope.  It was my first experience of empowerment, because this was help in the form that really works.  Help that would teach me how to help myself.  To me, this is the kind of support that makes sense and is effective.

I certainly wanted support on my healing journey, but I sure as heck did not want to hear other people’s scary stories, fear thoughts, or depressing outlooks.  I wanted to hang out with a group of people who were determined to help themselves, but who just wanted a little assistance doing so.  I wanted a group of people who would remind me to believe in myself.  Who would say, “Yes, you can heal yourself, it is possible, keep at it, way to go!”

I never found my group, but I did find various people along the way who offered such positive words.  I did learn how to help myself.  I did heal.  It was possible.

Those are the messages I wanted other women to hear when I started writing this blog.  I wanted to make my dreamed-of support group a reality.  I wanted to create a place where mind-body tools were available, along with other people who were focused on them, for women who were struggling with vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, and other syndromes.  But I didn’t want to call it a vulvodynia support group or interstitial cystitis support group.  Gack.  We’re not trying to KEEP these syndromes!

So, instead, I have focused on the mind-body healing message.  A mind-body support group sounds so much better, doesn’t it?  We are supporting each other in strengthening our mind-body connections and creating health and joy.  Talk about hope!

Over the last couple of years I have worked to create different levels of support for you.  Besides the free support in the form of weekly blog posts and resources,  I have created an online support forum.  To keep it secure and make sure it’s exclusively for mind-body support, it’s only available to people who purchase the Healthy Mind Toolbox Audio Course.

And recently, I created the all-new Mind-Body Mastery Circles.  The first one kicks off next week, and is a great group of women who are about to experience the very support I dreamed of when I was struggling.  I am so excited!  I will coach and facilitate, but the real magic is going to happen because of the connection and support these women will feel from each other.  That is an incredibly powerful healing tool in it’s own right.

It feels great to see this dream realized, and to know that this is just the first of many more Mastery Circles to come.  These groups will be hope-based, and healing will take place on many different levels.   Healthy, helpful support happens here!  If this is something you’re looking for, it’s not too late to join us.  There are a couple spots left, and you can click here to get all the info and register.

The thought that was pulling me out of alignment with my authentic self was an oldie but goody.  Meaning I’ve had this belief as long as I can remember, and when I believe it, it wreaks havoc.  The thought is, “It’s not okay to not be okay.”  (It’s a little confusing – my mind likes complicated limiting beliefs.)  As in, it’s not okay to have weaknesses, turbulent emotions, mess-ups, days in my life when I just don’t feel happy, etc.  It’s that old perfection standard sneaking back in, saying I can’t just be exactly as I am in the moment, whatever that may be.

When I hold that belief, I try desperately to be okay.  I work harder, do more, learn more, self-coach more, and put what feels like a million pounds of pressure on myself.  When that doesn’t work, I avoid.  I run from my own mind, eat chocolate, and try really, really hard to stop thinking about not being okay.  As you can imagine, that works really well.  I end up with a string of shoulds that take over my mind, and it’s not long after that I become barking mad.

I knew I’d gotten there last week when my husband, ever so politely and kindly, asked, “How long has it been since you were last coached?”

He had a point.  No matter how much self-coaching a person does, it’s immensely valuable to have that soft place to rest, that loving coach embrace that allows you to relax and let it all out.  Then it becomes crystal clear where your own mind is driving you loony-toony.

I have had much experience with the thought that “it’s not okay to not be okay.”  In fact, I would say this belief was one of the major culprits that led to vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome (and not to mention, adrenal fatigue!)  It created such a storm of self-pressure that I spent most of my time fighting myself, trying to be what I was not.  That creates mountains of stress, and my body, thank goodness, let me know.  Because it feels a hundred times better to allow myself to be exactly as I am.

The homework Bev gave me feels so valuable I want to share it with all of you.  I have a hunch that many of you do the same thing and put a lot of pressure on yourself to be okay, whatever that might mean to you.  (For me, okay is often synonymous with perfect; 100% put together, happy, responsible, knowledgeable, mistake-free, creative, and on and on and on.)

The homework makes a perfect partner with last week’s Love List assignment.  Put together, these two make a true self-love package.

Here it is:

Each day, list the times that you were not okay.  This can mean times you felt negative emotion, times you messed up, times you didn’t give it your all, or whatever you need to list.  (I like to keep this list in its own notebook and keep it nearby, actually.)  Write these things on the list with the intention to love yourself exactly as you are.  Notice, after you’ve finished your list, that the world is still revolving, the sun and moon are still doing their thing, and by and large, everything really is okay.  Remind yourself that it IS okay to be not okay.  Revel in the relief of that for a few moments.  Eventually, you’ll begin loving yourself FOR these “mistakes” and “imperfections” instead of in spite of them.  I’ve only done this assignment for four days, and already I feel a soft, loving sweetness toward myself when I list my not okay moments…because in reality, they are totally okay.  How’s that for a brain teaser?

I’ve taken to having two journals: the It’s Okay to Not Be Okay journal and the Love List journal.  It’s the yin and yang, dark and light, sun and moon, and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  It’s being human.  It’s saying – I am loved, no matter what, by me.  I allow myself to be exactly as I am, and I adore all parts of myself.  It feels complete to acknowledge the whole of who I am, lovingly.

Here’s an excerpt from my weekend entries in my It’s Okay to Not Be Okay journal:

I felt really exhausted and sad on Friday, because I overworked myself last week.

I spent the entire day on Friday lying on the couch.

I cried a lot on Friday, but not before I ate several mini-Snickers in a futile attempt to avoid the feeling.  (Yes, I ate them lying down, on the couch.)

I baked a loaf of Amish Cinnamon bread on Saturday and ate half of it.  Then I watched three movies.

I got coached on Sunday, during which I cried some more.  And then I finally said to myself, “It’s okay to not be okay.”  Ahhh, sweet relief.

I’m sharing this with you not just because it might help you find sweet relief.  I’m also sharing it because it helps me to say it out loud.  There are lots of times when I am not okay. When I don’t have it all together.  When I am not taking my own advice.  When I have limiting beliefs I don’t see.  When I feel small, vulnerable, and confused.

I think it’s a disservice to both of us if I only tell you about the good times.  Yes, there are lots of good times (far more than there used to be), but the irony is that acknowledging the not-so-good times is what brings more beauty, more peace, more happiness, and more joy into our lives.  And ultimately – health.  When I share this with you, I let not-okay just happen, instead of fighting to remain poised, calm, pulled-together, and perfect.  I certainly do not want to teach and share the concept that we all must be okay, all the time.  (That would be like offering how to stay in pain coaching – no thanks!)  If I’m going to be the teacher, coach, and supporter that I want to be, I must be absolutely authentic and walk my talk.  That is why I’m sharing this with you today, because I want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay.  And that I am not perfect, do not have it all figured out, and fully give myself permission to be exactly as I am.  Except, of course, when I don’t do that perfectly, either. 

Longing for a little coaching, yourself? Click here to check out the all-new Mind-Body Mastery Circles – affordable, supportive, structured, and still open for a couple more participants!

And coaches…there’s still room in the Mind-Body Magic Group for Coaches!