The thought that was pulling me out of alignment with my authentic self was an oldie but goody.  Meaning I’ve had this belief as long as I can remember, and when I believe it, it wreaks havoc.  The thought is, “It’s not okay to not be okay.”  (It’s a little confusing – my mind likes complicated limiting beliefs.)  As in, it’s not okay to have weaknesses, turbulent emotions, mess-ups, days in my life when I just don’t feel happy, etc.  It’s that old perfection standard sneaking back in, saying I can’t just be exactly as I am in the moment, whatever that may be.

When I hold that belief, I try desperately to be okay.  I work harder, do more, learn more, self-coach more, and put what feels like a million pounds of pressure on myself.  When that doesn’t work, I avoid.  I run from my own mind, eat chocolate, and try really, really hard to stop thinking about not being okay.  As you can imagine, that works really well.  I end up with a string of shoulds that take over my mind, and it’s not long after that I become barking mad.

I knew I’d gotten there last week when my husband, ever so politely and kindly, asked, “How long has it been since you were last coached?”

He had a point.  No matter how much self-coaching a person does, it’s immensely valuable to have that soft place to rest, that loving coach embrace that allows you to relax and let it all out.  Then it becomes crystal clear where your own mind is driving you loony-toony.

I have had much experience with the thought that “it’s not okay to not be okay.”  In fact, I would say this belief was one of the major culprits that led to vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome (and not to mention, adrenal fatigue!)  It created such a storm of self-pressure that I spent most of my time fighting myself, trying to be what I was not.  That creates mountains of stress, and my body, thank goodness, let me know.  Because it feels a hundred times better to allow myself to be exactly as I am.

The homework Bev gave me feels so valuable I want to share it with all of you.  I have a hunch that many of you do the same thing and put a lot of pressure on yourself to be okay, whatever that might mean to you.  (For me, okay is often synonymous with perfect; 100% put together, happy, responsible, knowledgeable, mistake-free, creative, and on and on and on.)

The homework makes a perfect partner with last week’s Love List assignment.  Put together, these two make a true self-love package.

Here it is:

Each day, list the times that you were not okay.  This can mean times you felt negative emotion, times you messed up, times you didn’t give it your all, or whatever you need to list.  (I like to keep this list in its own notebook and keep it nearby, actually.)  Write these things on the list with the intention to love yourself exactly as you are.  Notice, after you’ve finished your list, that the world is still revolving, the sun and moon are still doing their thing, and by and large, everything really is okay.  Remind yourself that it IS okay to be not okay.  Revel in the relief of that for a few moments.  Eventually, you’ll begin loving yourself FOR these “mistakes” and “imperfections” instead of in spite of them.  I’ve only done this assignment for four days, and already I feel a soft, loving sweetness toward myself when I list my not okay moments…because in reality, they are totally okay.  How’s that for a brain teaser?

I’ve taken to having two journals: the It’s Okay to Not Be Okay journal and the Love List journal.  It’s the yin and yang, dark and light, sun and moon, and for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  It’s being human.  It’s saying – I am loved, no matter what, by me.  I allow myself to be exactly as I am, and I adore all parts of myself.  It feels complete to acknowledge the whole of who I am, lovingly.

Here’s an excerpt from my weekend entries in my It’s Okay to Not Be Okay journal:

I felt really exhausted and sad on Friday, because I overworked myself last week.

I spent the entire day on Friday lying on the couch.

I cried a lot on Friday, but not before I ate several mini-Snickers in a futile attempt to avoid the feeling.  (Yes, I ate them lying down, on the couch.)

I baked a loaf of Amish Cinnamon bread on Saturday and ate half of it.  Then I watched three movies.

I got coached on Sunday, during which I cried some more.  And then I finally said to myself, “It’s okay to not be okay.”  Ahhh, sweet relief.

I’m sharing this with you not just because it might help you find sweet relief.  I’m also sharing it because it helps me to say it out loud.  There are lots of times when I am not okay. When I don’t have it all together.  When I am not taking my own advice.  When I have limiting beliefs I don’t see.  When I feel small, vulnerable, and confused.

I think it’s a disservice to both of us if I only tell you about the good times.  Yes, there are lots of good times (far more than there used to be), but the irony is that acknowledging the not-so-good times is what brings more beauty, more peace, more happiness, and more joy into our lives.  And ultimately – health.  When I share this with you, I let not-okay just happen, instead of fighting to remain poised, calm, pulled-together, and perfect.  I certainly do not want to teach and share the concept that we all must be okay, all the time.  (That would be like offering how to stay in pain coaching – no thanks!)  If I’m going to be the teacher, coach, and supporter that I want to be, I must be absolutely authentic and walk my talk.  That is why I’m sharing this with you today, because I want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay.  And that I am not perfect, do not have it all figured out, and fully give myself permission to be exactly as I am.  Except, of course, when I don’t do that perfectly, either. 

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I know I’ve talked about love before, but it’s time to bring it up yet again!  As we are smack in the middle of the holiday season, it’s the perfect moment to remember that love is everything.   No, I’m not kidding!  Want to feel completely healthy?  Love is the answer.  Want to lose weight?  Love is the answer.  Want to succeed in your career?  Love is the answer.

I know it sounds simple, but most of my clients struggle with it for that very reason.  Our minds want to plan, think, analyze, do, judge, criticize, worry, and much more.  It’s easy to forget that re-entering the feeling state of love will flood your body with relaxation and ease, bring healing energy into your entire being, and pull you out of stressful thinking, allowing you to feel centered and peaceful.  You’ll always discover your own wisdom when you bring loving energy into your self.

Loving energy also helps transmute stressful emotional states like fear, anxiety, and panic.  Focusing on love is not something that occurs to us, usually, while feeling fear.  Yet, it’s an amazing way to be with the emotion, not suppress it, and yet allow it to be released from our body and mind.  Since emotional suppression is the number one reason that our bodies have pain, this approach can really help.  You just need to employ the power of love repeatedly, throughout the day, every day.

I used to think that feeling love meant feeling a huge wave of emotion.  As a result, it sounded really hard to feel love throughout the day.  Now I understand that love has many different volumes – it can be quiet and calm, loud and vibrant, or somewhere in the middle.  All I have to do is intend to feel love, and a quiet love quickly enters my heart.  I find it immensely helpful to imagine it in my heart as a physical energy, which might feel like warmth, light, or expansion.

What does love feel like in your heart? Play with it today – intend to feel it, and see if you can feel that quiet love.  The more you do it, the easier it will be.  Please don’t overlook the power of this process!  I can’t emphasize it enough.  Give it a try, keep practicing it, and experiment – there’s literally nothing to lose and much to gain.  During this holiday season, why not come back to the deeper meaning of the holidays and celebrate love?  What can you think today to feel loving toward yourself?  What can you do today to feel loved by yourself?

I’ve spent a few weeks talking about one of the messages your body is trying to send you via pain: nurture yourself instead of push yourself.  Today, I’m going to talk about another request from your body:

Love yourself unconditionally.

Love is the most connective, life-giving energy you can possibly generate within yourself.  It is a healing force.  When you are disconnected from your body, angry at yourself, derogatory toward yourself, even mean to yourself, you cut yourself off from this powerful force.  Pain is the message that lets you know you’ve fallen into this pattern.  So is physical tension, and even extra weight.  The body experiences physical imbalance when the energy of love is absent.

Most of us learn this strange way of motivating ourselves that is a mixture of browbeating and scaring ourselves silly.  We think that if we can just whip ourselves into shape and get things accomplished, whatever we don’t like about ourselves will finally be squelched.  We think that then we will succeed, because we’ll be perfect, at last.

I certainly thought that, for many years.  In print, it now looks ridiculous.  After all those years of pushing, forcing, browbeating, flagellating, and scaring myself, I see that all I wanted was a sense of safety and peace within myself.

Safety and peace within yourself does not come from a “soldier on” state of mind.  It comes from repeatedly accessing that powerful energy of love, and turning that source of strength and energy inward.  It’s akin to trying to force a plant to stay alive in a dark closet.  Imagine yelling at the plant, watering it like mad, giving it fresh soil, fertilizer, and everything else you can think of.  Yet, the plant withers more with each passing day.  Without sunlight, it simply can’t live.

Love is our sunlight.  Without it, we simply can’t live.  Our health fails, our bodies wither, our souls slip away.

Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself.  I’m not asking you to be perfect at it.  I’m just pointing out the importance of leaning in that direction more and more, practicing bit by bit.  If you can learn to reward yourself with love even when you make colossal mistakes, even when you aren’t at your best, and even when you are spiraling down in a spectacular, flaming crash, then you will finally know the meaning of loving unconditionally.  Don’t mete out love only when you cross off to-do’s, accomplish amazing things, and serve others gracefully.  Your inner self knows this is fair-weather friendship, and in loving yourself only because of what you do well, you put a subtle but intense pressure on yourself all the time.

How do you generate love for yourself?  Start here: imagine someone you love.  Maybe a pet, if there are too many tangled relationships in your life right now.  Bring that love into your awareness, and allow it to grow inside you.  Feel what it feels like, physically, in your body, to feel this love.  Without even knowing all the science, the names of all the “good” hormones that are now flooding your body, you can sense that this is a place of healing.  Your body knows it, and it is asking you to purposefully bask in this flood of life force energy.

When you feel the sensation of love grow stronger inside you, direct it mentally toward yourself.  Allow yourself to receive your own love.  If, right now, this is too hard, then simply enjoy the feeling of loving others, knowing that as you practice, it will become easier and easier to love you.

We don’t often think about practicing love.  We expect it to come to us.  We expect to just feel it, randomly.  Love on purpose today.  Decide to feel love, and practice focusing on it each day.  Heed this most important request from your body.

Don’t miss the Do Less, Be More telecourse series, in which fellow Master Coach Susan Hyatt and I give you serious self-loving tools to take into regular, everyday life.

Come hang out with me on Facebook!  I just finished creating my Healthy Life Facebook page, so you’re invited to stop by and chat!

The Healthy Life Coach – Helping You Create Your Healthy Life

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