Perfect. What is perfect? I decided to look up the definition and found the following delicious tidbit from Wiktionary, “Having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” – I love that.

I started to wonder, why is this word or concept so loaded for so many of us?  As I read some of the definitions, I notice my body feels relaxed and tingly and slightly giddy – all personal signals I’ve come to recognize when things feel true and right to me.  Yet I noticed yesterday, when I was feeling shame and sadness come up, that I was unconsciously pressuring myself to do ‘authenticity’ perfectly. It felt like being trapped – a constriction to my wellbeing.   

A little back-story … I’ve been practicing showing up more authentically in the world.  It’s looked like connecting and sharing myself more via the Great and Powerful FACEBOOK.  It’s been a mix of feelings for me. Sometimes gratitude and joy, like when I connect with someone and I feel really seen and warm and grateful to be connected to such a lovely being.  My heart feels full, like it’s been dusted with the tiny magic ‘green things’ that made the peach grow in James and the Giant Peach. It feels as big as a house and as sweet and rich as I imagine the peach.

And then other times it feels like embarrassment and shame, like when I shared with someone how much I admired and liked their work and they never acknowledged my comment. I felt like the kid that foolishly talked to the ‘cool kids,’ and they responded with looks of contempt and mocking, saying with their eyes, “Why do you think you can talk to US? You’re not our kind.” I feel small as I remember.

Then the downward spiral of thoughts begins …

Am I doing this right?

Am I really being authentic?

Did I check in with myself before I posted that I liked that person’s work?

If I were doing it right people would respond to me differently and I’d have more ‘Likes.’

Was I just being graspy and hoping they would like me if I complimented them?

Am I trying too hard?

What’s wrong with me?

I must not even know who I am!

And on and on it goes … 

But as I bring the clarifying brilliance of my awareness in, I see that it’s not my desire to do authenticity perfectly that’s the problem – it’s my belief about what perfect authenticity looks like.

I’ve been unconsciously telling myself that being authentic means the same thing for EVERYONE. Things like, if I’m really being authentic I shouldn’t ever censor what I say. I should just blurt things out. I should swear more publicly (I swear enough privately), and I should share my deepest feelings and yearnings with everyone. 

Maybe it would look like that and maybe it wouldn’t. 

I’m reminded of the definition of perfect, “complete of its nature and kind … having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” 

So how can I come back to the harmony of my true nature?

I start by tuning in to my whole self; my body, emotions, mind and spirit.  They are loyal and loving friends that bring me toward my perfect authenticity.

I use the Hotter & Colder Game. I’m like a researcher gathering and recording information.  What in each moment feels like “Hot” – or closer to my authentic nature to these different parts of myself?  What feels like “Cold” –  or inauthentic? 

“Colder” to me feels like closing up, drained, anxious, tense, graspy and icky … like there is not enough and I am not enough.

“Hotter” to me often feels like open, warm, peaceful, strong, content and sometimes joyful and excited. Other times “hotter” feels expansive and scary all at the same time. It reminds me of the Buddha quote about enlightenment, it might not be easy but it tastes of freedom.

It’s about coming back to my OWN personal nature and the common purpose of all the different parts of me.

My experience toward perfect authenticity has been uncomfortable … and yet, discovering my fixed beliefs around it feels like finding the last piece to a difficult puzzle that I loved – knowing that it’s not the last puzzle of my life – there are so many more to tend to. But this one is finished. Complete. In this moment, the parts inside of me are harmonizing. Perfect.    

Endorsed Coach – Linda Bayly-Fennell

I am a Mind-Body Coach and a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. I live in upstate NY with my husband, two elementary school aged kids and our dear and wild Australian cattle dog.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with trying to be the ‘right’ thing … the right person, daughter, friend, employee, mother, wife, coach … whatever it was, I desperately wanted to do it ‘perfectly’ and be ‘good’.  Not a fun way to live. It took its toll on my body and wellbeing.  Through my coach trainings I learned how to tune in to my own internal wisdom, letting it guide me toward what was right for me.  As a coach, I’m here to help you on your journey. My clients appreciate the warm, welcoming, safe space I provide. They also say I’m wise, funny and open…. irreverent and kind.

If you would like to learn more about coaching together, please send me an email.

Ha ha ha!

Oh sorry, I just had to stop and laugh. I seriously thought that – but wow, was I ever delusional!

I can’t say that I have loved being in physical pain, but I can say that now I get the point. I see why pain had to show up and ask me to look inward at my emotional awareness and my thinking. There’s nothing like a little crack of the whip to make a person snap to attention and get to work!

Looking back, it is all very clear. I wanted to be a loving, kind mother who teaches her daughter how to be loving and kind – to herself! Loving-kindness starts with one’s self, and then it radiates outward to those around us. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. That is a powerful motivator for me as a mother. To teach love, I need to be love.

I think we women struggle with this self-love thing mightily. The words self-love have been tossed around and sometimes, to me, feel as though they’ve lost their meaning.  What is self-love or self-kindness? How do we even do it?

I’ve learned a lot about this recently, and I’ve thought a lot about the consequences of not loving myself. There are many signals that have woken me up to self-love  – physical pain, emotional pain, stress, body image and eating issues, and more. In our culture, we focus on fixing these problems, but we don’t make the root connection between them and the self-love concept.

I am very confident about this connection, and not just because I’ve read books about this.  A few months ago, I asked God to please tell me why I was in pain and what I needed to do to heal. I did this before bed, and then drifted into sleep. That night, I dreamed I was in a coaching session, being coached by a very loving, kind entity. In the dream, I told this “coach” why I thought I was suffering. The being gently shook her head and smiled. “No,” she said, “that’s not why. It’s time to learn self-love.” Then I felt, to the core of my being, exactly what she meant. I woke up with a new understanding of self-love that goes beyond words, beyond the mind, and beyond anything I’ve ever understood in the past. Since then, I’ve been on a path of discovery about bringing this self-love into my life.

I used to think self-love sounded selfish. I used to feel confused about how to love myself and at the same time, let go of my identity, my thinking, and my identification with the ego. Now, though, I see that self-love is about loving every part of me, from ego to eternal self. Every last little thing. When I do this, I become present, right here, loving me, loving everything, and loving everyone. I begin to see the non-separateness, the un-nameable from which we all emerge.

So how does one go about doing this? Here’s what I have been doing thus far:

• accepting, feeling, and honoring my true emotions
• noticing the thoughts I have that aren’t kind to myself and realizing they are just thoughts (as Byron Katie  says – realizing those thoughts are just confusion)
• being willing to learn what my true needs are, and then addressing them  (speaking up when I need to, taking action when I need to, asking for help when I need to)
• accessing my own inner wisdom
• trusting my inner wisdom (not relying on experts and external opinions so much – those can be validating, but first, looking within for the answers)
• purposefully saying kind, loving things to myself and choosing to look at where I can admire, respect, and enjoy who I am – my personality, my gifts, my body, my foibles, and everything in between
• cultivating the ability to observe my thinking, emotions, breath, current experience, and to simply be here, now
• opening up to joy right now, right here, in this moment, no matter what
• seeing the beauty all around me and within me

Before my pregnancy, I often thought about how I wanted to start a movement for women around self-love. I wanted to help other women learn this deep skill and pass it on to their daughters.

But the movement starts at home. With me. I can’t lead a movement or teach Aela how to love herself without loving myself. Over the last few months, I’ve discovered just how much I have been criticizing myself, pushing down my needs, not asking for help, not respecting my inner wisdom, and trying to push my emotions away. (Still! Even after ten years of mind-body work! Amazing.)

What’s your opinion? Have I missed any elements of self-love? Who wants to join me? Do you want to start the movement, too, right in your own home?