I am having a very difficult experience right now. It’s probably the toughest experience I’ve ever had, even though I can see so much good in it. I’ve been mining for gold in this experience, looking for what it is I need to learn. What is my body asking for right now? What is it teaching me? Well…it’s actually pretty cool, in the end. My body is taking me to the root of many patterns that just don’t serve me anymore. It’s kind of a funny story…

Once upon a time, I got pregnant. Being me, I decided to renovate my business, website, and home at the same time. (Why not, really?) I tend to do life at full speed, foot on the gas. This is how I did my whole pregnancy. I wrote two ebooks, created all new content for my website, ran several telecourses, and continued coaching, training mind-body coaches, teaching, and running Martha Beck Life Coach Training.

What did I actually want to do during my pregnancy?

Lie down. For nine months.

My body felt terrible throughout my pregnancy. I was constantly nauseous. I had hideous heartburn. In the second trimester, I started having this thing where when I sat or stood, my blood pressure dropped so low that I blacked out. For the entire final eight weeks of my pregnancy, I itched all over my body, all the time, and could only sleep in small chunks. I nearly went insane.

Hmmm. I wonder what a mind-body coach would say to me? Um…lie down? Rest? Stop? Stop the madness?

Then, I gave birth. The birth itself went well, but afterward I hemorrhaged. There was a terrifying post-birth period in which the doctor was working frantically on me and the baby nurse was trying to get my daughter, Aela, to breathe. It was incredibly scary.

Thankfully, everything was okay. I brought Aela home, alive and well, and began my recuperation. I was in immense pain, and soon discovered I had an anal fissure from the birth. My muscles around this injury went into a major spasm. (Muscle spasms HURT.) In the end, I required surgery. Post surgery, my muscles went into deeper spasm. I couldn’t sit down, and still can’t, due to the pain.  Physical therapy seems to help in the tiniest of increments, and incredibly slowly.

Then I started feeling terrible in other ways. I lost all remaining tidbits of energy. I felt deeply depressed. I love my daughter so much, and love being a mother, so this felt like the worst kind of torture – not being able to really bring my full energy to motherhood.

I sank into a place of really low self-worth. I felt like I should be able to heal myself. Not only that, I should be able to do so quickly! Why weren’t my mind-body tools “working?” Instead of using self-kindness (probably the most important mind-body tool), I berated myself constantly.

I was running full speed ahead, and then I smacked right into my wall. Splat! I was knocked flat. All the old thoughts, patterns and ways of being that simply aren’t going to work for me anymore came up. My old life pretty much exploded in a large, hot, painful fireball. Well, that’s one way to clear out old patterns. Yeesh!

Having Aela cut straight to the core of me. It forced me to wake up and be reborn right alongside her.

All the usual stuff – my Achilles’ heels, one could say – surfaced. Perfectionism, self-judgment, not asking for help, pushing my body too hard, blaming myself for physical ills, thinking I should never be ill. Kaboom! Kablooey! It was not fun.

Slowly, one-by-one, I started addressing these issues. I started listening to my body and actually resting. I started hearing its messages. I started reaching out. I started learning how to take care of myself in an entirely new way.

I also fought this experience. I felt angry. I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I felt grief. Despair. You name it. Acceptance came only in bursts and bits.

Following intuitive hits, I found a great doctor. It turned out my thyroid has basically said, “Bleeerg. I’m exhausted.” This meant my poor little adrenal glands had to do a lot of extra work, pumping out adrenaline to keep me going. Then they said, “Oooooof. We’ve had it!”

My body has literally used every possible method it can think of to get me to just stop. Lie down. Be. I was really, really avoiding being. I was disconnected from my body. I was actually having trouble using my own mind-body tools. Why? I didn’t want to face some of my painful beliefs, inner truths, and fears.

When I finally surrendered to the being, I was able to finally be kind to myself and to release. The core beliefs around my body were:

I should be able to heal myself.

I should not need help from others to heal.

Being unwell and needing help/love/attention is shameful and should be hidden.

Which is so funny, because last time I went through a mind-body healing process, I did not do it alone! Several years ago I wrote a blog post about how it takes a village. Yet, I guess I still held these beliefs, and I still held myself apart from others as a result. I still wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable and open and loved. I haven’t been loving the part of me that needs help, is in pain, and doesn’t feel well.

I’ve used all the mind-body tools, but I forgot the biggest one of all: community.

Being a life coach, or a mind-body coach, is not about being happy all the time. It’s not about being well or doing well all the time. It’s about being authentic. I needed to clean up this part of my thinking, because it’s holding me back from being fully authentic. If I’m willing to look deeply into the ways I hold myself back, am unkind to myself, and am not loving myself, then I open the door to truly loving and caring for me, mind, body, and soul.

It’s been a really painful lesson. It’s been really hard.  It has felt hellish. It is still hard. My body hurts. I’m exhausted. I’m having hormonal rollercoaster rides from starting the new thyroid medication. I’m bummed out that I can’t drive around and do fun stuff. I am not a fan of lying in bed a lot. I miss my old way of zipping around. I’ve had to learn that my body heals on its own timeline, and I must trust its wisdom.

And yet – I’m (often grudgingly) grateful that I’m tearing down the walls and opening up to a new way of being, of not zipping around, and of loving. And of being loved.  It’s time for me to fling open the doors and say, “You know what? I want community from you all. I can’t heal all by myself. It’s lonely. It’s not fun. It’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

I mean, really!! Seriously!! Would I tell a client to do it all on her own? NO! Never! I would say to trust her body, follow her intuition, and let it lead her to all the healers, teachers, friends, and modalities that are meant to be a part of her healing journey. Mind-body healing isn’t about healing yourself.  It’s not about using only your mind to heal. It’s about honoring all the parts of you and what they need. It’s about becoming aware of thoughts, feeling emotions, hearing intuitive messages from the soul, and learning to trust and love yourself. That’s it. I’m learning all about it, on a whole new level.

Pretty funny, no? Guess I need to change the title of my free ebook, Hear Your Soul, Heal Yourself! Ha ha! It’s not about healing yourself. It’s about loving yourself. That’s what brings true healing, on all levels. I’ve been in what we call my “blind spot” in coaching. I wrote a really helpful complimentary ebook, but I left out a GIANT mind-body concept: opening up to the healing, love, and support you need from others. It cracks me up!

What is loving to my body right now? What is kindness to myself right now? To share all this with you, and to stop trying to go it alone. To let go of my old story that I shouldn’t be unwell, that I should be perfect, that I need to get it together so I can get back to helping others heal and getting stuff done. It’s quite the opposite. I need to share myself, exactly as I am right now, and be loving of this version of me. I need to open gracefully to this lesson. That’s my job right now. That’s love.

So, yeah. Here’s where I am. I’m at home. Lying in bed. My ass still hurts. I don’t feel well. I miss sitting in chairs. (You just don’t appreciate a good chair until you can’t sit in one!) I work in small chunks, rest (when I’m not resisting it), cry when I’m really down, and love my baby.

She seems pretty happy to be with me, nurse, and be loved. In the end, it’s been perfect with her, after all. I’m writing a blog post about that, too – coming soon. Slowing way down has made me the mom I want to be. Slowing down has given me everything, actually. It’s shown me just how much love and connection I was missing out on before. It’s shown me where pride closed doors, and limiting beliefs held me back. It’s shown me how to let myself experience the one energy of which we are all a part. It has given me a deeper spiritual practice. It has given me so much more understanding and respect for emotions and their innate wisdom.

The other day, Donna Reed, a coach friend, visited me. She was inspired to create a healing circle phone call to create support and community for me. She’s the one who made me realize I’ve been missing this vital piece. I am so, so grateful. Thanks to her, I’m using my brand-new (to me) mind-body tool right now. I’m reaching out and asking for connection and healing from all of you. I’m voicing my truth. Right now, I’m having a difficult time. And no matter how much I’m learning, how amazing it actually is, and how grateful I am, it’s still damn hard. I want help. I don’t want to feel alone or be alone.

With that said, you’re invited to the Healing Circle Call! As of publication, plans include coaches Jeannette Maw, Gail Kenny and Diane Hunter leading the vibration-raising and healing!

Where: On the Phone!

Date: Monday, April 8

Time: 12:30 pm PT/1:30 MT/2:30 CT/3:30 ET

Call-In Info: (760) 569-7676

Access Code:      855742

Many of you are reading this blog because you have experience with chronic pain or you are fascinated with Abigail’s techniques for mind, body, emotion and soul connection, or both!  I’m in both camps.  I came to mind-body connection healing through my long journey with chronic pelvic pain.  I was sold on this work after being coached by Abigail.  I experienced pain relief from learning how to calm my mind, feel my body and emotions, and connect with my soul wisdom.  I’m now living my passion guiding other people in releasing their blockages to health and well-being.  My absolute favorite mind-body tool is the “Let Your Soul Sing – The Core Anamsong Mind-Body Practice.” 

Alchemy Happens

I liken the energy of the physical body, emotions, mind, and soul as vibrating at different frequencies.  In order to connect with these different frequencies it requires different ways of focusing.  Dysfunction in any of these four areas can affect the ability of energy to flow easily through the physical body and the underlying energy body.  It’s most effective to connect with and clear energy blockages by approaching them from the vibration they occur in.  When these blockages are met, recognized and worked with, a type of alchemy happens which can bring profound healing to all levels of your being. 

Habitual Body and Emotion Resistance

I spent many years studying with a psychic and was taught about healing on all four levels: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.  I did much deep mental and spiritual work through that process but because I was a habitual body and emotion resister, I didn’t know how to connect with my body and emotions on their level and vibration.  I didn’t even realize I wasn’t fully connecting with the felt sense in my body or that I didn’t know how to fully feel my emotions.  My psychic studies helped me to live in a more balanced way, but I still struggled with pelvic pain. 

Discomfort is Here to Help

In the Core Anamsong Mind-Body Process, Abigail has ingeniously created a method to work with all four of these vibrations in one process.  This process includes checking in with the mind, body and emotions, and then going deeper into body, emotion and soul wisdom.  The premise is that any type of discomfort is genuinely here to help us.  I have witnessed in myself and others the deep connection, freedom and expansion that can occur in practicing this process.

Even though I’ve had a few years of practicing feeling my emotions, I can sometimes still automatically repress or resist them.  Practicing the Core Anamsong Mind-body Process helps me to recognize and understand myself at a very deep soul level.  Here is an example of my recent experience where I received coaching from an Anamsong Mind-Body Coach. 

An Example of the Process

I’d had an emotionally challenging weekend dealing with a difficult family issue.  In my mind-body check-in my mind felt muddled and stuck.  My body sensations included   achy toe, tight IT band (outer leg between hip and knee), tight and slightly achy jaw, chest and throat tight, right butt achy.  Emotionally I felt heaviness in my throat and a weight in my chest which felt like sadness, grief, and irritation. 

Guided by my coach, I dove deeper into my mind-body connection.  I felt into the emotions that were present in my body.  I described them as feeling like rock heaviness in my throat, heart and belly.  Inside my heart was a gooey oozing.  As I noticed what I was feeling and felt deeper into it tears began to flow.  My experiences of the last few days flowed with metaphors of what I was feeling.  As I described it I got several aha’s deeply resonating with the recognition of my inner world being mirrored in my outer world.  Then my coach encouraged me to bring in self-compassion from my soul wisdom.  I felt into the unconditional love connection for myself and extended that to feeling love and connection with the members of my family and it felt supportive and validating. 

At the end of the coaching session I felt relief.  There was a sense that it would take more time for the emotions to continue to be felt and for my body to release tension.  I set the intention to just let it be present and unwind in its own timing.  This was a profound experience leaving me with deep insight into my body, emotions and soul.  By the next day the heaviness in my chest was noticeably less, my body felt lighter and I was able to focus back on my daily life.

Deep-Seated Soul Reconnection

I use parts of this process in my daily practice and I go deeper as needed.  This tool can be used for self-coaching as well as in one-on-one coaching.  It can easily morph into different forms or combine with other coaching and intuitive tools.  I’ve had sessions with clients where most of the time is spent exploring how the physical discomfort or the emotional discomfort is here to help revealing fascinating discoveries and understandings. This tool absolutely works for deep-seated soul reconnection resulting in a deeper connection with the true self, creating more ease in the body and life in general. 

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny
When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

My daughter’s cello’s name is Musica.

During one of her lesson’s that I will never forget, her cello teacher asked her to play a piece with the biggest, loudest sound that Musica could make.

So, she got into position, perfectly placed her bow and then with determination, focus, and all of her strength, she played.

Her efforts resulted in a bigger sound.

Her teacher then asked her to completely relax, to let go, drop the weight of her arm, and without any effort move her bow.

“Let’s hear Musica’s whole voice now!” she said.

Oh my goodness, the sound that came out of that cello just about knocked me off my chair.

It was huge and deep and strong and resonant and soooooo beautiful. I can still feel it now. The whole room was vibrating.

It brought tears to my eyes.

That sound did not come from force,

Or effort,

Or strength,

Or pushing,

Or pressure,

Or struggle,

It came from relaxing and letting go.

My daughter’s teacher is always saying that playing the cello brings you face to face with the greatest mysteries of life.

Like why it is that pushing, struggle and effort are no match for intention, ease, and letting go.

We have this tendency to fear that if we let go of struggle and effort we’ll never get where we want to go, that our lives will fall apart.

But, that never happens.

What does happen is, that when we turn our attention to where we want to go, drop the struggle and effort, and relax into being who and where we are, our full power comes through. Just like Musica’s.

We have more energy and less pain, we feel happier, everything gets easier and mysteriously, more gets done.

We are suddenly playing with our full voice.

And the sound is deep and resonant and beautiful, and just about knocks us off our chairs.

You just can’t force that level of power and beauty. You have to allow it.

This is a mystery I continue to explore every day, in my work, with my health, in my relationships, as a mom… in every aspect of my life.

I invite you to explore it with me.

There is no right or wrong way to do it.

Just allow yourself to explore and observe.

Learning how to be who you are, how to relieve pain, how to create your best life and your most beautiful sound is an art….just like playing an instrument.

I invite you to approach it the same way. With interest, curiosity, and experimentation.

What happens when you push?

What happens to your heart and your body when you’re plowing through your To Do list, struggling against your pain, forcing yourself to do something you think is good for you, or telling yourself that you can’t do it?

What happens when you allow yourself to be where you are and follow your inner flow?

Is there a way you can relax more into yourself and your life today?

How can you take the pressure off of your strings?

It’s really worth investigating because the beautiful resonance of being fully who you are not only benefits you, it is a blessing to everyone around you, and the single most powerful thing you can do to heal the world.

Assuming it actually needs healing. But that’s a mystery to explore another time.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear what you discover about you!

Lorraine Faehndrich is an Endorsed Mind Body Coach and Women’s Health Mentor with over 15 years of experience with mind and body healing. Through her company, Radiant Life Design, she helps women who suffer from Pelvic and Sexual Pain – including Vulvodynia, Vulvar Vestibulitis, and Decreased Sexual Desire – to relieve their pain, increase their pleasure, and reconnect with their soul, so that they can experience radiant health and outrageous joy in their body and in their life!

Lorraine offers classes and private coaching to women all over the world who want to create Pelvic Health and Wellbeing, realign with their purpose and passion, and live the life they truly want to live.

To learn more about Lorraine or to receive a Free Mind Body Alchemy Starter Kit visit www.RadiantLifeDesign.com

The following was written for a friend’s sister who was turning 18.  As I was writing it, I realized I wished someone had done this for me…at 4, 18, or 25 or 38 or 54, and I’m sharing it because I suspect you might wish someone had done the same for you.

These pieces of advice are loving and can lift you up, validate you, help you love your own unique human-ness…and they are things you may not be used to hearing from anyone at any age in your life – not even yourself. 

So be that someone for you.  Get comfy, take a few deep breaths deep into your belly and close your eyes.   Imagine your soul, spirit, or higher wisdom sitting in front of you.  (You can learn more about how to get in touch with your soul in Abigail’s “Hear Your Soul, Heal Yourself” eBook and The Core Anamsong Mind-Body Practice)  Imagine her radiating love to you – feel what that’s like and take it in!  She knows and loves you only because of who you are.  She is ageless (any age) and very wise. 

Imagine her saying these words…

My dearest one,

This is important, but hard to remember in this world we live in, during our busy lives.  Keep this message deep in your heart and pull it out whenever necessary to get back on the path of love for yourself.

Never sell yourself short in any aspect of your life…work, career, relationships, purpose. You are here for a reason, you are here as a gift.  You may not know all the twists and turns of that now, but be curious about it, because as you live your life and look back as you live it, you will see the thread, the sacred thread that is you – and all the meaning there is to your one wonderful life and all the lives you touch at this moment in time.  You are a magnificent woman already…just carry that forward and let it ripen.

Laugh at your mistakes, at your self-perceived failings…they are stepping stones to learning more about the real you and success in your life – as YOU define it!

Let your brain be your friend, but don’t live exclusively there!  Your beautiful brain interprets so many things for you, but it can get a little wild sometimes.  It’s not so great when it’s being its over-critical or over-analyzing self – UNLESS it’s saving you from walking down a dark alley or getting hit by a car! 

Encourage it to love you and support you, to do the things it was meant to do, like help you see, smell, hear, touch, and taste.  It is so, so smart in these ways, letting you taste the sweetness of life in food and drink or the sweaty forehead of a child…delight of the touch of a friend or a lover…relish the beauty of the sounds and sights of nature or a man-made movie…take in the scents of freshly baked bread or a bouquet of roses or glorious fresh air.

Remember, though, that it is your body that is sensing the raw data…the scent, the feel, the taste… 

Let your body be your best friend and your guide, because after all – you live this exciting and mysterious and happy and sad life through that wonderful, delightful, messy body of yours.  Treat it well, nourish it, and rest it.  Your body is the smartest part of you, and it can be great friends with your brain, allowing that brain to interpret your its messages, emotions you are feeling, and your soul’s essence – all of which guide you to live deeply and authentically in this world. 

Listen to your body wisdom, and what it has to say to guide you – and if you do not know how to do that…learn.  It will be the most valuable tool you ever acquire.

Have fun, love fully (especially yourself), follow your path, and relish your brilliance…

—

Photo by hlkljgk

Which reminds me that this is always the hardest part for my clients, too. It can be so frustrating. Here we are, in this moment, with whatever we don’t want. Maybe it’s extra weight. Maybe it’s pain. Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is, we want to move away from it, make it change, control it, or beat it with a baseball bat. Well, at least I do!

Sadly, that does not work. Despite my extensive experience with befriending physical pain, anxiety, fear, and extra weight and my arsenal of helpful mind-body tools, I have had the hardest time surrendering to this physical experience I’m having. I’m kind of stubborn.

Instead of being friendly toward the pain, I’ve been kind of grudgingly using my Core Anamsong Mind-Body Practice, while swearing angrily at my body. (Kudos to my body for actually giving me messages while being so treated.)

The problem is that I know I can’t focus on getting rid of the pain. It can’t be the end goal. I can’t wait to live my life when I feel better, because life is happening right now. So, in addition to everything else, I’ve also been beating myself up for being so ridiculously angry and resistant to this pain. I’ve expected myself to be doing my mind-body thing with aplomb and dignity, befriending my pain with serene, loving calm. While, in reality, I’ve sobbed on the phone with friends, wept on my mother’s shoulder, fallen apart daily, and generally been a hot mess. I’ve been a tad bit hard on myself.

Then, I finally took a page out of my own book (literally!).  For the past two weeks, I decided to try something revolutionary. I decided to be kind to myself and allow myself to be really, really, really angry at this experience. And to allow myself to want it to go away. And to be awful at my own mind-body practice. And to be exactly as I am, hot mess and all. All I asked of myself is that I keep using the practice, badly or not. I asked that I keep moving through emotions and keep accessing the wisdom my body is giving me.

So there I was, angry at the experience and sucking at my own mind-body practice. I resisted like mad. I got obsessed with my pain. I did all the same things I’ve been doing for five months – except I stopped beating myself up for the way I’ve been doing them.

As a result, an interesting thing happened.

I started to see things a little differently. I could look back and see where I have listened to my body’s messages. I have moved forward a lot on this current path, even in my frustration. I realized I’m hearing messages daily from my body, and I’m still following them, even if I’m angry at my body. I saw that those messages are adding up. It’s like my body is giving me clues in a scavenger hunt, one at a time.  And even in my resistance, I’ve also not resisted.

A new insight popped in this week. I notice that every time I’m super obsessed with getting rid of my physical pain, I need to connect with my body and feel through a rising emotion. Sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s sadness, and sometimes it’s fear – or a mix of all three. If I let them all happen, on the other side is the message from my body.

The obsessive thoughts about the pain are like a red flag, letting me know some wisdom is ready to emerge via emotion. Sometimes I resist. But it’s ok, because the message is still there for me, whenever I’m ready for it. When I allow the emotions to flow, my body speaks.

You need more rest, it says.

You need to reach out to this person for support, it says.

You need to talk to your spouse about that thing he said yesterday, it says.

You need to read that book, it says.

You must trust yourself, it says.

 Every day, it gives me more and more information. More clues in this scavenger hunt.

 So what’s the prize in this scavenger hunt? The focus on pain relief or getting rid of what I don’t want just doesn’t work. It can’t. Because right now, I’m in pain. Right now, you’re in whatever you’re in. Here we are. To reject what’s happening now makes the suffering much greater. We can want pain relief. We can want to lose weight. We can want and even expect these things. But we have to focus on the connection to ourselves, to our emotions, to our bodies, and to our souls…in between the times when we don’t, of course…

…which leads to the good news I want to share. You don’t have to be perfect at that focus. You can really stink it up. You can be a hot mess. You can obsess. You can do your mind-body practice terribly.

It still works.

You will still end up connecting to yourself, and you will still be guided by the incredible wisdom of your body. In fact, trying to do it perfectly slows the process down. (I can vouch for that first hand, having just experienced five months of it!)

Which leads me to even better news: you can have the prize right now. The scavenger hunt, the little nuggets of guidance from your body – those ARE the prize. That’s what creates a sense of wholeness, a sense of stability, even in the biggest of storms. That’s what we’re really looking for when we want the storm to go away.

We want the storm to leave right now, so that we can feel a certain way. Sometimes it might be peaceful, or content, or joyous. I don’t know about you, but I’ve wanted to feel good about myself. I’ve wanted to feel like a strong, whole, confident, me.

So yes, I have wished the storm away. But when I have befriended it, quite imperfectly, I have surrendered to it. I have let it sweep through my life and destruct what needed destruction. I have allowed myself to fall apart, in order to be rebuilt. I have let everything show me how it wants to be rebuilt. My body is asking for a rebuilding. It wants me to work with it differently and stop ignoring important inner truths. My relationships are asking for a rebuild. My business is asking for a rebuild. My mind-body coach training is asking for a rebuild. My soul is asking me to rebuild my sense of self.

The prize is learning to stand in the storm and let it wash through my life, bringing me a much deeper connection with myself. The prize is letting go of the ways I held myself away from others, afraid of being seen as emotional, messy, or imperfect. I didn’t know that I had to be a mess to find out I’m actually ok. My favorite message from my body is this: I get to be me.

There will always be storms. Some will be hurricanes. Others will not. I can push away the storms, resist them, and fight them. But when I’m ready, I can let them in and let them bring wisdom, truth, and necessary change to my life. That is the ongoing prize of imperfect, messy, and incredibly magical mind-body work.

This week, I listened to my body just that much more. I felt a little less resistance. I trusted myself a little bit more. I felt like a very strong boat floating in the stormy seas. I am tossed around by the waves. I am buffeted by gale-force winds. Sometimes I want out of the storm. Other times, I surrender to it and all that it’s bringing me.

Here I am, in this moment, exactly as I am.  I get to be me.

Since my last blog post, a lot has happened for me. This might sound like an exciting statement. However, those of you who have embarked on mind-body journeys of your own know that “a lot happening” often means “a lot of discomfort.” Blech.  I am embroiled in discomfort at the moment. Which, oddly enough, is a good sign…

Why? Because I’m going through a massive rebirth in all areas of my life. I’ll share with you in more detail over the next few weeks/months. In some ways, my pre-baby life wasn’t me living as authentically as I could have been. Now, I am getting deeply reconnected with myself, and yet meeting myself anew.

I have a feeling that many of you are also experiencing discomfort and or major rebirths, so I thought I’d continue in the same vein as my last post and share my current experiences with you. (I swear, I’ll make the next post shorter!) Maybe you’ll find some insight, and maybe you’ll send me some. I know this: together, we’ll be stronger than on our own. Also, this journey we’re on is more fun if we do it together. I cannot tell you how touched I was by the messages you all sent me after I wrote that last post. I received so much love and so much kindness, and it made my current journey feel easier. Thank you all SO MUCH!

I’ve been writing and teaching about the mind-body connection for the last five years, but in those years, I’ve felt pretty great, overall, in my body.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had strong body pain. There have been occasions when my body has spoken to me via physical pain, but it’s been pretty mild. Now, though, I have entered what I’m calling my Mind-Body Ph.D Program. It’s personally designed to awaken me to a deeper awareness of my mind-body connection, my soul, my authentic self, and my life’s work.

My current physical pain is in a totally new location and different from my original mind-body syndrome (vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis), which is how I know this is a big new learning cycle for me. (In fact, the old mind-body syndromes did not even crop up after childbirth, despite their location!) I’m feeling it physically in my sacrum/tailbone area. Nothing is wrong. My body is fine. Structurally, I’m great. My body and soul are just helping me go deeper. This often happens when we choose new paths, such as motherhood, which I’ll talk about in a bit.

In case you think I sound really ok with this and totally aligned with myself, accepting, and full of wisdom, let me reassure you. I am not. I have resisted this experience with all my might. I have raged at it. I have wept. I have generally been a hot mess. I have felt like an idiot. I have berated myself. I have felt crazy. I have felt all kinds of things. I have avoided myself. I have avoided my tools. I have avoided deep truths and emotions. I have felt like my life is in every possible form of upheaval, what with being a new mom and all the inherent transition. I have felt alone.

Every single day, I wake up and want this pain experience to end.

Yep, that’s the truth. But here’s the thing. None of that matters. If you’re currently reading or have read my “Hear Your Soul, Heal Yourself” free eBook , then you know I’m just experiencing resistance. Which is normal. Which is part of the process itself. Whatever your experience is, be it physical pain, emotional pain, extra weight, or other struggles, I’d like to invite you to come along with me as I use the mind-body tools in my current daily Ph.D experience.  I know just how tough and crazy-making this journey can be, and I sure don’t want to go it alone this time. 

Want to join me? 

Here’s the plan:

I’ll be sharing various things about what I’m doing in my blog posts (they may not be weekly, depending on how much rest my body is asking for each week – so, I’m leaving it open). I’ll post on the Anamsong Facebook page. You then join in and comment/share on the blogs or the page, as you so desire! My whole intention with the Facebook page was to create a space for community around mind-body connection processes. Let’s go for it!

There’s just ONE RULE for this community. We don’t talk about our actual physical pain, weight, or anxiety/life issue. You’ll notice I didn’t dwell much on it above. And henceforth, I will not write about it anymore.

Why not?

Because it’s not the real issue. It’s just a wake-up call. An alarm clock. A fire alarm. Focusing on it is like smacking the fire alarm over and over while the fire sneaks up behind you. What’s really going on is deeper, and the only way to connect with it is to move beyond focusing on the experience we are resisting. So we talk about EVERYTHING ELSE in our lives, and feel the emotions around those issues. Truths emerge! Insights happen! Tension is released. Slowly, gently, our experiences begin to reflect our new alignment with ourselves.

Yeah, I know. Here’s this really frustrating thing, and we’re not going to talk about it? Gack!

Notice I didn’t say “never talk about it.” I just mean within our community here. It’s too easy to fall into the above-mentioned fire-alarm trap. I do have a few close friends with whom I talk about the physical pain. This helps, because they know I’m trying to release the attention around that and move deeper.

How do we navigate this? Well, here’s what I’ve been doing.

1)     First, I notice when I’m really obsessed with the experience I don’t want. (This is a form of Mind-Whispering – creating this mental awareness.)

2)     Second, I notice when I’m fighting against it. I allow myself to resist and simply notice that I am.

3)     Third, I allow myself to grieve about it if needed. This usually lasts around 5-10 minutes. (I’ve been known to yell, cry, swear at the universe, phone a friend and wail).

4)     Next, I nudge myself to GO DEEPER by paying attention to my body and emotions. I use my emotion about my current physical pain to open the door to emotions underneath, about other areas of my life that are calling for my attention. I use whatever tool I need in that moment to bring body and emotion awareness to the forefront. (It might be Dropping Contractions, Fight or Flight Release, or just breathing.)

5)     I ask for help if the pain decoy seems all consuming, (I’ve called my Endorsed Coaches or other mind-body savvy friends) and I get reminded to Flip my Focus and go deeper, beyond the pain and therefore out of the tailspin.

6)     Usually, after I feel through the emotion, I come out a bit wiser and much more relaxed. Truths emerge. I reconnect to myself. I start the rebuild process just that much more.

(All processes mentioned above are in the eBook!)

So, if you want to join me, please do! Just follow the one rule. Things that are ok to post include things like: (remember, I’m holding myself to this, too!)

1)     Wow, I notice I’m really resisting today.

2)     Grieving about my issue today.

3)     I could use some help – I keep thinking about my pain/weight/issue (anxiety is treated like a pain symptom, by the way).

4)     Anything about feeling body awareness or emotions or insights gained – aka The Real Stuff.

These statements create awareness, which helps us yank ourselves up out of the quicksand of freaking out about the pain/issue and back into our lives. What happens when we get back into our lives? Well, we FEEL STUFF.

Recently, in my own experience, I have felt a lot of stuff. I’ve been up to my nose in it. I’ve had all sorts of emotions. I’ve had plenty of emotional and physical discomfort. I’ve also had what comes with this: growth and insight, and a sense of returning home to myself, bit by bit.

The thing is, I’ve been suppressing a lot of emotion over the last year and a half, without even realizing it. Also, every so often, the mind-body-soul as a whole wakes me up to the need to release really old stuff, too, on a deeper level. On top of that, I set a clear intention when I decided to become a mom. I said to the universe: I intend to be a very present mom.

Well, it’s hard to be present without being real with myself about my emotions, my past, my deep inner truths, and such. So the universe took me up on my intention and grabbed my attention very, very, effectively. Crap.

I’m entering this current experience with a kindergarten mind. I’ve decided to let myself relearn everything I thought I knew. As soon as I made that decision, I felt much more at peace with my current experience (but, please note – not completely. Perfection is not necessary.).  I know from my past mind-body journeys that this adventure is only happening because I really need it. I know, for example, that when I kick off the Mind-Body Coach Training in April, I will be a much better teacher, a much more receptive student, (I always learn so much from everyone in the training!) and will have a much deeper understanding of the mind-body connection than before. That is my path.

So, here’s what I’m re-learning right now:

It’s not about feeling better (whether that means mentally, physically, or emotionally). Instead, it’s about FEELING. Feeling body awareness. Feeling emotions. Feeling into the moment to know what my soul is saying right now. DAMMIT, THAT IS SO HARD!

Yes, I want to feel better. Of course I do! And yet, I know that’s a Catch-22. So every day, I try not to for a while. Then I remember to just accept that I want to feel better. And then I focus on feeling my body awareness and my emotions. I breathe.

A lot of the time, I feel somewhat like I do in those naked dreams we all have. You know, the ones where you show up to math class with your boobs hanging out. (If you don’t have those dreams, well, I don’t want to know. I’ll just pretend they’re normal.)

I use my grief blanket a lot.

I resist.

I breathe.

I pay attention to all the elements of my life that are asking for attention and awareness. My baby. My body (oh wow, was I ever escaping my body!). My marriage. My business. My self.

I find out something new about these elements of my life every day. I find something I’ve been avoiding or suppressing every day. I feel lots of emotional discomfort and still feel body pain. Everything is there in my awareness – whammo! This, I know, is the hardest part of the journey. So, I breathe and feel. And resist. And breathe and feel. And grieve random stuff. And breathe. And resist some more.

Sometimes, joy pops in for a visit. Sometimes, I feel the underlying peace of being on this journey and not trying so hard. Sometimes, I feel AWFUL. That’s how I know it’s “working.” There’s emotional movement, and I’m not feeling stuck. I’m awakening to a new sense of self. I’m moving through a huge transition. There is flow. There is me, feeling stuff. That’s the evidence that I’m on the path, putting one foot in front of the other.

Let’s get one thing straight: I do none of this perfectly. I’ve decided to focus on just one thing, and it’s not perfection. It’s consistency. Persistence.

Sometimes, I think I should do it perfectly. Ah, that sneaky mind. It’s a trap!

There is no perfect. And yet, I am doing it perfectly, no matter what.

In this moment, right now, I feel gratitude. Gratitude that I’m learning so much more now. Gratitude that I’m falling in love again with the mind-body journey – so much more in love! Gratitude that I’m discovering truths in my life and my life’s work. Gratitude that I have you all to share with and to grow with, because you are all amazing and have so much to share, too. Gratitude that I have a daughter and a husband who are part of this journey, too. Gratitude that I have family and friends who support me in such amazing ways. Gratitude that I am doing my life’s work, and that I’m opening up to new levels of authenticity and honesty, with myself and, as a result, with you.

Don’t worry if you’re not feeling gratitude right now. There’s nothing to strive for. Feel what you’re feeling. I will likely wake up tomorrow pissed off and resistant yet again.

And that’s okay.

This is the journey. It’s just a path to authenticity. It’s just my desire to be real with myself and what’s happening, right now. Onward we go, Authentic Warriors! It’s not easy, but still, we do it.

And that’s pretty cool.