I ate food to calm myself, to stuff my emotions down, and to avoid connecting with myself. I got caught up in the flurry of hating my body, trying to change it, and focusing on what I should/shouldn’t eat. That kept me successfully distracted from myself for years. I was too busy to feel emotions, connect to my inner wisdom, or any other such scary notions.

I also used food to help me find joy. Because I wasn’t allowing myself to feel a full range of emotions, real joy eluded me. I had to focus on its distant cousin, pleasure. Now I’m not saying pleasure is bad. In fact, it’s one of the best things about being alive. But pleasure without joy is empty and hollow. The delicious taste of a crunchy bite of cinnamon toast is a moment of pure delight when it’s both pleasurable and joyful.

Eventually, through the mind-body skills, I came to a much more peaceful relationship with my body and food. I felt good about my body, I listened to what it wanted to eat, and I took delight in the taste and variety of everything I ate. I felt joy. I felt sadness. I felt anger. I felt contentment. Finally, I was alive – living fully in my body and working with it instead of fighting it. There were still times when I grabbed a snack instead of feeling an emotion, but I wasn’t trying to be perfect anymore. I had found an equilibrium. Less self-pressure, more listening to myself.

Then, I got pregnant. For the first two weeks, I was ravenously hungry. I ate everything in site. My mind started to freak out. “You’ll be the fattest pregnant woman ever!” it shouted. “Aaaagh! Stop eating for two – you don’t need that much!”

So, in other words, I forgot everything I know about listening to my body.

Wise body was stocking up. Right after those two weeks of nonstop noshing, I was smacked with constant, never-ending, nausea. I am not exaggerating. I spent so much time lying on the couch that I began to blend into it – a moaning, groaning couchy lump. My mom would come visit and talk to me while I lay there, half-alive. I did a lot of writing and other work from my lump position, or in bed. Sometimes I sat up for meetings. That was the extent of my exercise, other than the occasional nauseous walk.

Needless to say, food lost all of its pleasure and joy. Everything smelled revolting and tasted awful. Yet, if I didn’t eat a little bit every couple of hours, I actually felt worse. So I resorted to force-feeding myself and eating while feeling nauseous. I am not sure there is actually anything more revolting than that experience.

For the first time in my life, I could have cared less about food. I dreamed of fasting. I longed to just drink juice for a week. But my body kept up its demanding schedule of small meals every 2-3 hours. Needless to say, I did not gain any weight during the first trimester of the pregnancy. Those first couple weeks of ravenous eating served me well, though, because I didn’t lose any weight, either. I just maintained, which gave me peace of mind. At least the baby was getting nutrition.

Around week eighteen, the nausea began to leave. Bit by bit, I started to feel better. One day, I woke up feeling really good. I was scheduled to go to lunch with a friend, and lunch actually tasted delicious. It was miraculous!

Then, later that day, I felt this strange feeling in my chest. I noticed an awful sour taste in my mouth. Confused, I consulted my pregnancy books. Diagnosis? Heartburn and indigestion – apparently a common pregnancy companion.

So yes – I enjoyed literally one meal before being plunged into a new digestive hell. To relieve the fiery pain in my chest, I had to strip my diet of all yummy things, including garlic, citrus foods, spicy foods, mustard, tomatoes, and more. Even with every possible heartburn remedy on board, I was only able to feel somewhat normal, and food still didn’t taste or sound that great. Mostly everything tasted a bit sour, like old milk. Every now and then, my body would grumble for more food, but the pleasure element had disappeared completely.

I finally surrendered to the idea that food would be nourishment, not joy, for the duration of this pregnancy.

In surrendering, I found an element of peace. It seemed do-able, this 9-month takeover of my body. Yet, it still felt and feels strange to not enjoy food at all. I reflected on the irony of spending a lifetime trying not to gain weight only to now find it difficult to gain weight when I need to. After spending years healing my relationship with my body and learning to listen to it, I now find it absolutely in charge of this pregnancy. I simply sit back and do what it says. My mind has absolutely no say. If I eat something because it simply sounds fun to my mind, my body demands in no uncertain terms that I stop immediately. Sugary foods, processed foods, snacky carbs – all those things I used to enjoy are now not even remotely appealing. You couldn’t get me to eat a Dorito for anything, because my body would immediately reject it.

Since healing my mind-body relationship, I’ve given up diets and strict food plans. I’ve taken away all restriction from my eating. I don’t avoid gluten or dairy like I used to, I’m not a vegetarian, and I eat “bad” foods that are processed or sugary. Overall, with this non-restrictive approach, I find that my body drifts toward what it needs and we don’t have fights. I don’t overeat very often and I don’t eat piles of things that my body doesn’t want. We’ve found a peaceful medium.

This current pregnancy diet is not a mind-imposed experience. I am not eating in this strict fashion because I think it is good for me, or I’m afraid of gaining weight, or I’m afraid that eating certain foods will exacerbate a pain syndrome. (Those are all things I’ve done in the past.) No, I’m eating only the foods that work in my body because my body is insistent about what it needs and wants. After so many years of mind ruling body, now body is ruling mind. It’s a funny switch. I’m comfortable now only because I surrendered and stopped fighting with my mind.

I tell you this long story because I’m smack in the middle of a new journey, a new learning curve with my mind-body relationship. I’m right in the middle of the learning process, and I’d love to take you with me. I’m fascinated. I’m amazed. I’m seeing the food and body image thing so differently now.

I look forward to someday having the pleasure and joy of eating return. I now see it not as a frustration or an addiction, not as bad or good, not as a siren song or temptress, but even more as a beautiful, joyful part of being alive. I can still have joy and peace and contentment in my life without the joy of food. I can still feel perfectly good and I can still love my life.

But there is something to be said for the spice of life – literally. Taste and texture and deliciousness are to be enjoyed and loved, because they are a part of living. A part of taking care of our beautiful bodies. A part of being physical in these beautiful bodies.

It’s a strange experience, my body being hijacked by baby. I salute to its demands, and I do not argue. My body is infinitely wise. In some ways, it’s kind of nice to be completely and totally, one-hundred-percent free of emotional eating right now. I am gaining a new perspective. I can separate out nutrition needs versus emotional needs with ease. I can see the purpose of loving food without using it as an emotional tool.

I can also see just how confused our relationship with food can be. What if it was so simple – ask your body what it really needs, verify through trial and error that you’re hearing its messages accurately, feel emotions when they arise, and then take immense pleasure in the taste of every bite you eat? Toss in a few non-essential foods that just sound fun each day. Done.

I’d love to hear from you about where you are on your food and body-image journey. What if you were in my shoes, and nothing tasted good at all? (Trust me – though you may wish for it, it’s not all its cracked up to be.)

I’m inviting you to enjoy a bite of food today, with all your taste buds, all your senses, every ounce of delight available, and immense joy. Just one bite. Do it for me. I’m living vicariously through you.

Even better – do it for you. Take pleasure and joy in the gift of eating. Let yourself love your food and yourself, for at least one bite today.

Today, I am inspired to talk about doing less and still getting it all done.  Do those two concepts seem competitive instead of complimentary?  Think again!

This is one of my favorite topics, which is why I decided to create the Do Less, Be More telecourse this month (details above).  Let me tell you more about the intention behind this class, and why I so love this topic!

One of the underlying issues beneath both physical pain and weight issues is the practice of over-efforting.  Yes, I just made up that word.  I kind of like it, actually!  It describes my past lifestyle and habits perfectly.  I am certainly not a zen master, but I have learned a great deal about why I put more effort and energy into everything than is strictly necessary – and how to get better results by doing less.

Quickly, though, I want to define doing less.  Most people probably think of doing less as actually having fewer activities, projects, and to-do’s in the schedule.  To some extent, that is part of doing less.  But doing less also means doing less unnecessary mental activity.  Have you ever noticed just how much mental energy you exert on things that are actually quite simple?  What is all that mental energy?  Usually, it’s one of the following:

Planning
Ruminating
Worrying
Reviewing
Thinking

I’ve certainly found I spend enormous amounts of time engaged in those mental activities around quite simple and small issues in my life.  This is making a mountain out of a molehill – but just in my own mind.

Thinking, planning, ruminating, worrying, and reviewing takes a lot of mental energy.  Since we can’t disconnect the mind from the body, this means it takes up a lot of energy, in general, from your physical reserves.  Things that seem simple are exhausting and overwhelming.  Soon, your body lets you know via illness or pain that you’ve seriously depleted your reserves.  You start looking for ways to feel better and up your energy (though this is often quite unconscious), whether via overeating, over-vegging, over-exercising, or other activities.

Without tools to decrease the amount of mental energy you’re exerting, you end up taking this mental habit into the rest of your life.  You start to try harder.  If something goes wrong, your first move is to work harder and do more.  If you’re trying to lose weight, this might mean adding in more exercise, or working out harder.  If you’re struggling with pain, you might try to do more mind-body work, or see more doctors/health practitioners.  Yet, all this extra effort rarely pays off.

Every time I’ve moved into an over-efforting pattern, I’ve ended up more tired, more overwhelmed, and more frustrated.  It usually creates some kind of issue in my physical body as well.  It often makes whatever I’m trying to get done even harder, and I often don’t get the results I want.

We live in a culture of doing.  We underestimate the power of less.  We even think of “being” activities like meditation as things we need to add to our to DO list, and chastise ourselves for not getting it done.

Doing less and being more is not about your to-do list.  It’s about your mind.  It’s about your emotions.  It’s about this moment, right now, and how much energy you’re putting forth.  Does it match the amount of effort truly needed?  Have you experimented to find out?

Doing less is a little more complicated than you realized, isn’t it?  Not to worry – once you start experimenting, you’ll see what I’m talking about.  If you want to know everything I know about making your life work with less energy and effort, join me next week for my Do Less, Be More telecourse.  It’s going to be a blast, and what better time to learn these tools?  Your holidays can be the perfect practice ground.  (Can’t make the class time?  No worries – calls will be recorded and sent to you.  You still get live participation in the online support forum and the worksheets.  This is one to-do that you can schedule at your leisure!)

Come chat with me on my new Facebook page!  (Link below.)

The Healthy Life Coach – Helping You Create Your Healthy Life

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Are you aware of when and why you are pushing yourself beyond your body’s recommendations?  I used to think I would be pushing myself only if I was, say, training for the Olympics.  Now, I understand I’m pushing myself if I feel tension in my stomach and don’t take a moment to listen to the inherent message.  Pushing myself can be as simple as going out with friends when I’m actually tired and would like an evening at home.

The flip side of listening to our bodies and not pushing ourselves unhealthily is going one step further and actually nurturing ourselves.  It sounds great, we talk about doing it, but do we put it in our schedules?  Do we even know what nurtures us?

If you’re in pain, ill, or overweight, you have not been nurturing yourself. Your body is asking for a deeper kind of self-nurture that goes beyond bubble baths and the occasional massage.  In fact, deep self-nurture takes work.  It takes effort.  Just like in any relationship, you get what you put into your relationship with yourself.

Self-nurturing is about taking time to listen to what your body and inner self are saying.  What are those messages your body is trying to convey?  Maybe it really wants you to know that you’re thinking all kinds of stressful thoughts that aren’t true.  Maybe it wants you to realize that you’re a novel writer at heart and you’ve been denying your creativity all these years.  Maybe it wants you to know that your gut feelings regarding that relationship you’re unsure about are on target.  Whatever it is, it’s always helpful, always important, and always the next step on your path to living authentically.

Living authentically can be damn hard.  It means telling yourself the truth.  It’s amazing how much we try to ignore and deny in our lives, because we don’t want to rock the boat, make others unhappy, or do things that would bring perceived criticism or judgment our way.  I have denied massive truths in my own life, only to have my body collapse under the weight of shoving such knowledge out of my awareness.  Self-nurturing is having the courage to look at truth and acknowledge it.  Even though this will sometimes rock the boat, it always brings an enormous sense of relief.  You’ll feel it – your body will relax.  What it’s been trying to tell you has finally been heard.

You may have to sit quietly with yourself, with your journal, snuggled in a blanket, every day for months.  Eventually, however, truths will emerge.  You will have given yourself the gift of focusing on your internal world – your thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  That’s all it takes to begin releasing stress, physical pain, and extra weight.

It’s so easy to not do this kind of self-nurture.  It’s easy to overbook ourselves, escape into activity, overeating, ruminating endlessly, shopping, reading novels, etc.  These are all just ways to avoid looking at our internal world.  I know, having done those things and more for most of my life.  Until, of course, I finally started listening to what my body was trying to say.  Until I took the time to look inward, every day.  Now, it is such a healing, beloved part of my life that I can’t imagine living without this kind of self-nurturing.

If you start with this kind of self-nurture, it will soon expand to other things.  You’ll discover that play is a form of self-nurture.  You’ll begin exploring all the ways that you can make yourself feel loved.  Because that’s what’s really behind self-nurturing, and that’s really what your body and inner self are aching to receive.  Your love.  Directed inward, toward yourself.  One of my favorite fellow coaches, Jeannette Maw, recommends asking the question: What feels like love today?

Today, love might feel like a good cry.  A walk.  A journal entry.  A conversation with a good friend.  A meditation.  A nap.  It might feel like paying attention to what you’re really feeling, all day long.  And so much more…

It’s for you to discover.  And what a fun exploration – diving into you, to learn about you, and find out what does make you feel nurtured and loved.  If you start with awareness time and inward focus, you’ll find out so much, so quickly.

Want help with this project? Join me and fellow Master Coach Susan Hyatt for a 4-week telecourse all about taking care of you during the holidays and beyond.  For details, click here!

Can you tell when you’re pushing yourself past your body’s messages?  If you followed the process outlined in last week’s post, Nurturing vs. Pushing, you have the knowledge and tools you need.  Now, you just need a little practice. Staying aware of your body is the only way you’ll be able to hear and decode its messages before they reach critical mass and create physical pain. Now that you’re highly motivated (nothing makes us march like pain!), let’s get into more detail.

It’s so easy to avoid paying attention to our bodies throughout the day.  It may sometimes feel as though you have a naughty three-year-old inside your adult skin, whining, “I don’t wannnnnaaaaa!”

Even though your logic brain knows body awareness will help you, that inner three-year-old still puts up a fight.  I’ve wrestled with my inner three-year-old in so many ways.  Though I primarily write about my experience with physical pain, another issue I’ve dealt with throughout my life is overeating.  In my early twenties, I was over fifty pounds overweight and completely oblivious to my body.  Interestingly, when I started using mind-body techniques for pain relief, I started losing weight.  Now I’m at a healthy, natural weight.  The two body issues, pain and weight, are nearly one and the same.  The key to both of them is being consciously aware of the body’s messages as much as possible.

So if this body awareness skill is so powerful, why does our inner three-year-old put up such a fight?  Why would she be against pain relief, weight loss, and less stress?

She’s not.  But she is terrified of feeling negative emotions.

I am so amazed at my own ability to avoid facing and feeling emotions.  It’s not like they kill people, and it’s not that painful, really, to just feel sad, angry, or afraid.  Yet, my primary reaction is to avoid the darn things left and right.  Once you’re onto this about yourself, you’ll notice just how many things you do to avoid feeling, including pushing yourself to work, take on obligations, and do anything that will keep you occupied.  Then, you can purposefully set aside your avoidance techniques and focus on your body.  (It helps to start with just five minutes of feeling, then allow yourself to back to your coping method.)

This is why we resist focusing on our bodies.  The moment we bring our awareness back home to these physical houses, un-felt emotions rise up into our consciousness.  Suppressed emotion does not go away when suppressed.  Rather, it stays in our bodies and unconscious awareness.  We end up with physical pain – our bodies can only contain so much emotional energy in the form of muscular tension and a hyper-aroused nervous system.

It’s difficult to get pain relief without feeling emotions.  It’s difficult to stop overeating and lose weight without feeling emotions.  And it’s difficult to feel emotions without bringing awareness to the physical body, over and over again, throughout the day.

It’s also difficult to feel love, happiness, and joy without also feeling sadness, anger, and fear.

So, practice makes perfect.  Practice will tell you when you’re pushing yourself and when it’s time to nurture yourself.  Keep practicing.  Stick with it.  If you forget to pay attention to how your body is feeling, where you’re holding tension, and don’t notice yourself pushing, that’s perfect.  Next time, you’ll be more aware.  And the next, you’ll be even more aware.  The learning process can be gentle and nurturing in itself.  Which is a good thing, because, well…we’re never really done learning.  Even years after your pain is gone, you’ll still be fine-tuning this technique and taking it to deeper, more conscious levels.