Two weeks later, we’d drawn the battle lines.

We bit each other’s heads off as we negotiated who would get five free seconds to brush teeth or poop sans child. Or, who would get to take a turn to sleep, since our child DID NOT SLEEP, ever, unless someone was holding her.

(To be fair, I may have been the one doing most of the biting off of heads. Er, hormones and such.)

Just like that, our fourteen-year marriage began to unravel.

My inner rage mounted daily. My husband was a tiny bit put off by my postpartum angries, (read, I was a scary, scary person) and our communication and affection dropped to an all-time low.

I felt bad that I was so mad at him. I could see, through the sleep-deprived, new-mother haze, that I was probably being unfair. Yet, I couldn’t seem to help the extreme desire to commit homicide. It was a rage that pushed through me and exploded out of all my seams; impossible to hide.

I’ve always said that mind-body tools heal everything.

So, I got out my own mind-body tools and went to work. As I connected to the anger and felt underneath it for the truth, insight arose. Upon giving birth to a newborn, who needed me pretty much every second of every day, it was much harder to get my needs met than before, when I was childless.

Simple daily things like drinking water, preparing food, eating food, showering, sleeping, and using the bathroom all required so much effort. I couldn’t just zip around and do what I needed for myself, because often I had a small, adorable baby nursing away, merrily taking her sweet time to fill her baby belly.

I actually loved nursing her, but I also felt immensely trapped. I had to ask for help, tell my husband what I needed, and give him clear and unapologetic information. I found this incredibly hard.

At first, I felt the urge to apologize every time I needed food while nursing or a restroom break while rocking. After overcoming that, I still felt weird and angry every time I had to ask for help. Why couldn’t he just see that I was 1) exhausted 2) had to pee or 3) desperate for sleep? Why wasn’t he noticing my needs and reaching out to help?

Giving birth and the ensuing challenges forced me to see that, for fourteen years, I’d been expecting my spouse to read my mind.

This terrible communication habit simply had to stop. And for it to stop, I had to acknowledge, own, and embrace my needs, and the fact that sometimes I need help. I had to value myself enough to speak up for me.

Before my kid was born, I cheated. I just took care of myself, and if I really needed help, I found vague, roundabout, or confusing ways to communicate that to my spouse. With a baby in our lives, there was no way to cheat anymore. I had to learn to be direct. My relationship was broken, and my body was in pain, too. It was expressing this lack of self-care loud and clear.

It was astonishing to discover this huge gap in self-love.

I couldn’t believe it was so hard to value myself and ask for help. The humbling truth was that I really needed to change how I treated myself. I needed to be kind to me, and to treat myself like I treated my daughter. I needed to give myself the sense of worth and value I wanted to instill in her.

As I became kinder to myself, I became kinder to my spouse. My heart opened, and compassion arose. I saw that speaking my needs clearly and directly was the kindest way to communicate with him. And, indeed, it was. He was immensely relieved to be done with mind-reading, and our relationship began to heal. My body healed, too.

That postpartum year was the hardest year I’ve ever experienced. I look back with immense gratitude that I had my mind-body tools. They were the only reason I was able to create a whole new life; a stronger, love-filled life that supports me and my little family. They helped me see myself with kind awareness, instead of staying stuck in a self-judgment pattern. With that kind awareness, I was able to create change, shift patterns, speak up, take care of me, and heal myself yet again, mind, body, and soul.

If you’re struggling at all with a relationship, do this simple process:

1. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry, hurt, sad, or whatever you feel. Let yourself feel it. Pay attention to the sensations of the emotion in your body.
2. Take time to journal about your needs. Write anything you want, and don’t censor. What do you need most? What would help you feel freer, more connected with the other person, or simply better?
3. Find an action step that allows you to meet your own need, first. (In my example, I needed help, but I had to ask directly; that was my action step.) Put your power back in your own hands.
4. Communicate to the other person around any changes in your behavior, if needed. (You might find you need to apologize, or speak up around something, or request a change in a situation.)

This is the beauty of mind-body work: It’s able to cut to the core of the pain, no matter what kind of pain it is, and gently open the heart to new wisdom, new life, and new love.

Abigail

P.S. Want to learn the art of mind-body healing for your life? (And maybe even to help others?) Take the 2016 Mind-Body Coach Training! Click here for details. You can still snag a $500 discount!

And, I’m not the only one who’s experienced relationship healing and ease from the mind-body tools. Christina Muller, a 2015 mind-body coach trainee, shares this:

I took Abigail’s Mind-Body Coach Training, and now, when I don’t feel well or need a rest, I’m able to notice that and ask my husband for help. Before I would have waited for him to offer, and been annoyed when he didn’t. We’re both much happier this way – I get the help I need, and he doesn’t have to be a mind-reader!