If you’re listening, that is. 

All of the panic, fear, anxiety, anger, and depression surrounding your health issues do a fantastic job of blocking the communication between you and your essential self.  To communicate with her again, you need to discover the thoughts behind all of your feelings.  Those thoughts (remember the Thought Log?) are in your head making a lot of noise.  You can’t hear your essential self through all that ruckus.  All you hear is, “I’ll never get over this,” “I can’t stand this anymore,” “everyone else gets to have a normal sex life and I don’t,” and on and on and on… 

The amazing, awesome essential self is a major key to your return to health.  You absolutely want to contact her, because she is very wise.  In Finding Your North Star, Martha shows you how to access her so you can discover your true purpose in life.  For those of us with health issues, your essential self takes on a new persona.  I like to call her your Inner Healer. 

Your Inner Healer, when she can be heard, will tell you what is right for you every step of the way through your medical crisis.  She will tell you when a doctor is not the right doctor for you and when you’ve found the exact doctor you need to see.  She will tell you whether or not the medication you’re considering is really something you want to try or not.  She will tell you what alternative medicine avenues are right for you.  She will tell you what you need to do on your own to help yourself heal.  She is a genius.  But she has a very soft voice – probably because it’s hoarse from trying to shout over the noise of all those panic-creating thoughts.   

The fastest way to talk to your Inner Healer is to enter that relaxed state of being (discussed in previous posts) in which you watch your breath and remain very quiet.  As you quiet your mind, releasing your hold on your thoughts, and focus on your breath, you will start to feel an inner calm.  Stay in the breath until you feel this – it may feel like a floating sensation or just a very relaxed quiet.  It might help to take any thoughts that pop in your head and imagine them scrolling across a page and then disappearing.  Don’t panic if you don’t hear any messages or don’t have any flashes of intuition.  Simply keep returning to this place as often as you can.  Soon, you will feel moments of knowledge – you will just know what is right for you.  Very peaceful yet insistent ideas will float into your head.  Sometimes these happen during the meditative state, and other times they just happen randomly.  I often hear my Inner Healer the most right at the end of a meditative session.   

I’ll be talking to you about my Inner Healer in future blog posts, so I wanted to introduce you to the idea today.  Have fun with this – your Inner Healer is a blast to get to know (she’s the person I was talking about in my last post – the one who rocks).  See if you can meet her and start the flow of communication today. 

I remember this feeling well.  I was living in a beautiful little house only a mile from the ocean with lots of friends, a great husband, a really cute dog, and a good job.  From the outside looking in, my life was great.  Inside me, however, everything was dark, black, and unbearable.  I had struggled with depression prior to my vulvodynia diagnosis, but the onset of physical symptoms seemed to bring a whole new level of depression into my world.  I couldn’t find it in myself to enjoy anything, even if my symptoms were slightly less at the moment.  I was too busy worrying when they’d be back, stronger, and whether or not I’d have to live this way forever.  All I could think about were the things I was missing out on and the life I wanted but did not have. 

Looking back on this time, I have a lot of compassion for this me who was suffering so much.  She was in as much emotional pain as she was physical pain, and remembering brings a wash of gratitude into the center of my chest for what I have learned from her.  She went through a lot to bring me to where I am now, and she was a warrior.  She refused to collapse into that black hole of depression and instead took a learning journey right through it to the other side.  She faced the darkness by accepting where she was right then and allowing herself to learn from it.  That is a most humble, self-loving place to be, and I am still in awe of her ability to be there in the face of physical pain.   

I think of it as surrendering.  It felt like it, at the time – I was waving my white flag and saying, “Okay, I’ll stop fighting.”  Realizing the simple truth – I was where I was, no matter how much I resisted, somehow released me from my own mental nightmare.  I know the minute I stopped fighting, stopped resisting the experience, was the minute I began healing.  I didn’t heal overnight, and I quit expecting to heal overnight.  I quit looking for someone outside of me to give me the perfect answer, because they couldn’t.  I turned inward and found the only expert available on myself – Me.  Not the me thinking all those crazy-making thoughts (I’ll never get better, etc.), but the Me beyond those thoughts.  The deeper, smarter, wiser, calmer, intuitive me.  She rocks.   

Let me just introduce you to page 51.  Well, you’ll need to read up to this page to truly understand it, but even if you only read this much of the book (but how, oh how, could you stop there?!!) you would discover an essential piece of information about healing.  On this page, Tolle talks about identifying with a physical problem or illness too much.  In other words, your identity becomes tied up with the illness in your own thoughts – you think “I have vulvodynia,” you say “I have vulvodynia,” and you do both frequently.  It becomes the central focus of your life.  “Since I have vulvodynia, I can’t…”  Or, “If I didn’t have vulvodynia, I could…”  Your thoughts focus on vulvodynia frequently, if not constantly.  You can no longer separate yourself from this illness.  You can’t imagine life without it anymore, even though you long for just that – desperately.   

Read page 51 carefully, because if you can release yourself from this kind of thinking, you will move toward a state of mind that invites healing rather than blocks healing.  You are not your illness.  You are you – the illness can come or go.  If you tie yourself to this illness and think about it constantly, the illness cannot go.   

You are you. 

Who are you, when you think of you without vulvodynia?  Does that very thought – that you are you, not you with vulvodynia – bring you a tiny sense of relief?  

 I reached a point, brought on perhaps by the endless doctor’s appointments, where I just got tired of the word vulvodynia.  I felt irritated every time someone said it.  I felt silly saying it.  I felt embarrassed saying it.  It just didn’t seem right to even say the word in connection with me.  I think my inner self was speaking up, rejecting the illness and the word and asking for health.  I stopped saying “I have vulvodynia.”  I stopped reading about vulvodynia.  I threw the word out of my vocabulary.  When I felt symptoms, I said to myself, “I’m a healthy person who has some symptoms right now.  It’s okay.”  It no longer mattered what those symptoms were, why I had them, or whether or not they were going to go away.  They just were.  Nothing else.   

This was the major turning point in my return to health, the beginning of my discovery regarding  the power of the mind and emotions, and the beginning of my journey towards life coaching, my true North Star (to use Martha Beck language).  So when I read page 51, I felt a welling of gratitude for Tolle, who is sharing with everyone this powerful, incredible secret.   Vulvodynia does not describe you.  You are more than your thoughts, so step outside of them with the breathing techniques I’ve mentioned previously and just discover what you are thinking.  Jot down thoughts that seem prevalent or quite painful in your Thought Log.  It’s always incredible to see what you’re thinking and then to realize you don’t have to buy into it – you are not your thoughts.  You are you.   

I include my iPod in pretty much every breathing and relaxation session I do.  Music is far more powerful than we can even fathom, though someday perhaps science will be able to measure more and more of its effects on our minds and bodies.  Including music in your relaxation session will increase your body’s relaxation response, as long as you use music that you find soothing, of course!  I am a violinist, so I tend to prefer very new age, non-melodic music.  Otherwise, I find myself following the music rather than my breath.  Try different kinds of music and explore what feels right for you.   

Exploring the many recordings of music written specifically for healing can be fun and fascinating.  A lot of people are researching and studying the idea that music has healing power, and it’s really no secret that music influences emotions.  Find the perfect music for you and your switch from panic to peace will be quicker and longer lasting.  As for sound healing, well, I have an open mind.  It certainly can’t hurt to listen to music performed specifically for healing purposes (Dr. Andrew Weil has a fantastic recording that also includes guided imagery).  I have found healing music to be profoundly relaxing, enjoyable to listen to, and very mood-enhancing, which is perhaps the very secret to its power.  The emotions we feel affect us physically, as you know, so the more we can move from negative to positive emotions, the better we will feel mentally and physically.

Besides, with your headphones on and soothing music blocking out other noises, you pretty much can’t help but relax.  It makes it even easier to focus on the breath and invite relaxation into your mind and body.  Some of my favorite sound healers are Jonathan Goldman, Kimba Arem, and Steven Halpern.  Once you start exploring this fascinating genre of music, you just might get hooked – on the sounds, the feelings, and the healing.

When you push the panic button, you also push the adrenaline (and other stress hormones) button. Your sympathetic nervous system is activated, which is what surges your body into fight-or-flight mode.  If you are continually feeling fear and panic, you are continually running your sympathetic nervous system, which I compare to running the heat in your home on hot summer days.  Not only does your electric bill go up, but you suffer discomfort.  Your body is not comfortable continually using the sympathetic nervous system, and it will let you know via increased pain.  You won’t feel well, and you won’t heal.  You will be expending useless energy (electric bill up) that could be focused toward healing.   

The parasympathetic nervous system is in charge of your relaxation and is the part of the autonomic nervous system you want to access.  The more you can power down from your fear and panic state into a calm, restful state, the more you can access your body’s own ability to heal.  This is the second reason to take those ten minute breaks to focus your breath and invite it deeper into your body.  The breathing technique creates a relaxation response in your body by activating the parasympathetic nervous system and immediately pulling you out of your fight-or-flight overdrive.  Moving into this healing state and evoking the relaxation response several times a day will only help both your emotional state and your physiological healing. 

Do you see the genius of your body/emotion connection?  Your emotions serve beautifully as messages to you – little reminders to pay attention.  Fear and panic are your internal sticky-notes reminding you to return to a relaxation response.  The more you listen to these emotions rather than focusing on them and return to your healing state, the better you will feel emotionally and physically.  Soon, you will be spending more time in a healing state than in a fight-or-flight response.  This will feel about ten million times better to you, even with your symptoms still present.  Your symptoms will not be as strong, and your emotions will not be as intense.  Ah, sweet relief. 

Here’s how you can push the un-panic button.  Find a place where you can be alone for ten minutes.  If you can lie on your back, go for it.  You might even cover yourself with a blanket, as that tends to be a soothing feeling for most people.  It’s time to soothe both your body and mind, so you need to feel safe, as comfortable as possible, and quiet.  Close your eyes, and follow your breath for ten breaths.  Watch the breath go in, watch it go out, and notice the feeling you have inside your chest.  Now move the breath a little deeper – no forcing, just gently expand your ribcage further this time.  Think about your ribs expanding to either side.  After a few of these breaths, allow your breath to fill from a lower point in your pelvis.  Imagine it filling your entire pelvic region before it comes up into the chest and ribs.  If you feel like yawning or taking a quick, full breath, follow this instinct.  Then move back into the deeper breathing. 

As you feel more comfortable with this healing breath, allow your mind to move to a prayer or mantra.  Make sure that whatever you say to yourself is kind, loving, compassionate, and gentle.  You might try, “I am safe right here.  I don’t need to do anything but breathe.”  Or, “The breath is relaxing me and bringing healing energy into my body.”  Anything that feels comforting to you is perfect.   

After ten minutes, the breath will have done its magic.  You will feel more relaxed, released from the panic, and ready to step back from the thoughts you were thinking as the panic escalated.  You might even take a minute to write down what you were thinking and look at the powerful negative statements that create your panic.  You now have a tool to use against these statements, so you no longer need to fear them.  You are taking back the power of your own emotions.   

I remember clearly how I felt when I was living with constant burning and itching.  I’m a type A person anyway, but I was able to obsess over my symptoms with an intensity I previously did not know I possessed.  The doctors and physical therapists would always ask me to rate my symptoms on the 1-10 scale, and I found myself doing that constantly in my head.  

 “Oh, no.  I’m at a 6 today.  Yesterday was a 5.  What if I’m getting worse?  And now it’s a 7!  A 7!  How am I going to stand this feeling today?  I don’t know how I can do this much longer.”   

That’s a quote from one of my journal entries, and it pretty much represents my general thought process from that time in my life.  I thought about my symptoms all the time, regardless of what I was doing at the moment. 

Even if my symptoms weren’t terrible on a particular day, I still focused on them with laser-beam intensity, wishing them away. If this wouldn’t drive a person crazy, I don’t know what would.  I know I felt crazy.  And depressed.  And panicked.  And angry.  No matter how much I wrote about my emotions, I could not seem to feel any better about my situation.  I was in just as much mental angst as I was physical angst – actually, more, to tell the truth.  Looking back, I find myself feeling kind of silly about the way I thought and obsessed and drove myself nuts.  Then I realize I was in the midst of my journey, learning more about myself, how to deal with emotions, and what was underneath my physical pain mentally and emotionally speaking.  I feel compassion for that me, because she was learning the hard way.  I also am profoundly grateful to her, because she stuck it out and completed the course, giving me gifts I never imagined I would receive.   

The Symptom Obsessed Me went on a mission to learn how to unravel these thoughts.  When she completed the mission, I was symptom free, about a million times happier, and on the course to a new life, which I love.  She made me learn so many things, among them the incredible techniques I learned from Martha Beck and her team, Meadow DeVor and Brooke Castillo.  Had I had those tools at my disposal at the beginning of my vulvodynia journey, I would have moved forward much faster.  Had I had a life coach to help me unravel my thinking, I would have moved at the speed of light.   

I didn’t, however, have a life coach per se.  I had me, pre-life coach training.  I slogged through my own mental anguish, figuring out that my emotions were causing more physical pain, struggling to find ways out of those emotions, learning about the power of the breath, and finally delving into the mental tools of thought work.  I did not know that all of this would release me from my symptoms – at the time, I just wanted an escape from my own crazy-making thoughts.  The intriguing thing is that as I released myself from my emotional angst and the thoughts behind it, I began to feel physically better, too.  This was so encouraging that I just kept on going, learning more and more, feeling better and better.   

If you’re feeling strong negative emotions and have done your Emotion Diagnosis and Emotion Log, you are ready to discover your own crazy-making thoughts.  The Thought Log will reveal them rapidly.  This time you’ll need to draw three columns on a page in your notebook.  Label one Symptoms, the next one Feelings, and the last one Thoughts.  As you go through your day, every time a symptom catches your attention, write it down.  Ask yourself what you’re feeling at that moment.  Then investigate your thoughts.  What are you saying to yourself?  Write it down.  If you have trouble accessing either the emotion or the thought, your breath-watching will lead you to it.  Pause and follow your breath.  This will pull you out of the center of the emotion and give you perspective.  By the end of the day, you might have a novel-length narrative, but that’s perfectly okay.  The awareness of your own thinking will be incredibly eye-opening.

In fact – now think about this one – it’s actually your emotions about this vulvodynia experience that make it so un-fun.  If you were feeling pain but didn’t feel upset about it, you would just feel pain.  It wouldn’t necessarily be a bad or good thing in your life.  It wouldn’t have a descriptor attached to it in your mental blog.  (i.e. “This pain sucks!  This pain is ruining my sex life!  I can’t stand this pain!”)  Without the mental angst, pain is just pain, and it exists and then it doesn’t.  There’s no more to it than that.  I’m not saying you can now immediately separate your emotions, thoughts, and physical pain.  We are used to labeling our experiences mentally as we go through them, and then feeling an associated emotion.  Undoing this connection takes more than a one-time epiphany.   

Ironically, thinking about your pain only intensifies it and creates more mental discomfort for you.  Pain, however, tends to be an attention-getter.  It’s not always an easy thing to focus somewhere else when feeling pain.  It’s also not so easy to simply stop feeling an emotion, especially when it is a strong, negative one.   We are not all yogis with amazing meditative skills.  We can, however, borrow one skill from the meditative geniuses to reduce both our focus on pain and our emotional discomfort in one fell swoop. 

To change your focus from pain, physical and emotional, you need a new place to settle your attention.  Close your eyes for a moment and move your focus inward to the most magical part of your body – the breath.  Let your mind follow your breath, just observing, not changing it, for a few minutes.  Really discover what is happening in your chest.  Are you breathing quickly?  Do you feel short of breath?  Describe your own breath to yourself as you watch it. 

Redirecting your focus to your breath is a simple, effective tool you can use anywhere, anytime, even when you are in a public venue.  Doing this for several minutes can quickly calm a surge of panic, fear, anger, or despair.  Deep breathing is also a powerful tool if used properly, but right now, all you need to do is turn your attention to your regular breath and let it flow.  If a peaceful word pops into your head as you watch your breath, go ahead and use it as a mantra.  This can strengthen your focus.  (It can be a simple as saying “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out.)    

Today, I’m going to share with you another tool, called the Emotion Log, which is helpful for beginning the move from powerlessness to emotional strength.  (And I’m not saying you’re not already strong – any woman with vulvodynia knows what it takes to live day in and day out with constant pain.  This is just a completely different kind of strength.  You’ll see.  It’s fantastic.)  Grab your notebook and draw a line down the middle of a clean page.  On the top left column write Symptom and on the top right column write Emotion.   

As you go through the day, every time you feel a symptom, jot it down in your symptom column.  If your symptoms are always present, then notice when they catch your attention or when you feel a flare or increase in symptoms.  You will find yourself thinking about something and in the middle of that moment, your symptoms will intrude into your consciousness.  That is the moment to write down what it is you’re feeling physically.  As soon as you’ve written the physical symptom (or symptoms), take a pause and see if you can recognize an emotion.  Even if you’re not completely certain, write down what you think you’re feeling at that moment.     

This is simply the process of becoming aware.  You have a constant stream of emotions regarding your physical state, and if you are completely unaware of their existence, you have handed them the reigns.  They are pulling you in different directions, directing your decisions, and pretty much running your life.  Emotions are not enemies, but they are also not reliable life managers.  They change frequently, increase or decrease in intensity, and generally take you for a roller-coaster ride.  As you become aware of your feelings throughout the day and log them in your Emotion Log, you are moving toward a saner, freer life.

I also felt massive amounts of panic.  Every time my symptoms flared, panic washed through me and took over my body.  Fear was my constant companion.  In the early stages, I kept thinking everything would get better after the next yeast treatment or medication, but as the symptoms dragged on, I began to feel depression and then despair.  Every so often I became furious with the whole situation, myself, or anyone in the near vicinity.  My emotions were as out-of-balance as my body, and my life felt completely out of my control.  I felt powerless. 

The Emotion Diagnosis is the first step toward taking back your own power.  You really can have control again.  It’s easy to underestimate the power of our emotions, because they are not easily measured or tracked in any sort of scientific, logical fashion.  They are, however, key players in your mental and physical health.  They serve both as windows to your thoughts and doors to your healing.  They are the place to start – the access point to your mental world.  Tomorrow I’ll share another tool useful in starting this process.