When I became a mom, I instantly got a pain syndrome, otherwise known as Mind Body Syndrome/TMS. These syndromes often show up when a person is experiencing a life change and not allowing her/himself to feel emotions, address the stress, and acknowledge the huge internal pressures that come with change. (Luckily, having had TMS before, I knew what was happening and could decode the messages in the pain.)

Motherhood is a pretty big change.

I sallied forth into motherhood with a host of hidden self-pressures, blithely unaware I was caught up in what I call Magazine Syndrome.

Magazine Syndrome happens when you buy into the commercial presentation of a life event instead of realizing there are two realities: The Magazine Version and What Really Happens.

The Magazine Version of motherhood is pretty awesome. Cute babies, Pinterest-perfect craft projects, home-baked organic meals, balanced activities and stimulating learning experiences, neatly organized discipline plans (3 Steps to Ending Tantrums, etc.), and sunny backyard playtime surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

We live in a culture with lots of focus on external appearance and viewable results. How do I know I’m a good mother? I can prove it with tangible evidence – how my child behaves, what amazing craft we made, and how many fabulous activities my child is mastering/experiencing right now.

The Magazine Version of motherhood collides in a spectacular explosion with What Really Happens.

The result?

Self-doubt.

I’ve come to see that nearly every motherhood stress I experience comes from nothing more than my own self-doubt. I can trace pretty much every frustration, fear, concern, and freak-out right back to self-doubt. Did I do it right? Why is this happening with my child…I must be doing something wrong! Shit, I’ve screwed up again. How can I do a better job? (Self-pressure!)

Let’s just face it. I’m not a Magazine Version mom. I am fully and completely in awe of moms who:

1. Make crafts or bake things that look beautiful or even decent.
2. Somehow have all the snacks and supplies necessary no matter where they are/what they are doing (and even have snacks/supplies for other moms who, er…forgot them).
3. Invite groups of children to their home and have fun activities at the ready.
4. Actually look at Pinterest.
5. I could go on.

I’m the mom who takes my kid to her first swimming lesson and forgets a towel. A towel! How obvious and basic is that? (Visualize small, adorable child shivering by the edge of the pool, looking up at her mother with big, tear-filled eyes while her mother frantically searches for anything available in the diaper bag. Sigh.)

So, when my neighbor (a fellow mom) mentioned that she’s afraid to tell me what’s really going on in her life because I seem to have it all figured out, I snorted with laughter. No.

For me, motherhood is challenging in numerous ways, because I’m not great at the material/external stuff. You could even say I’m fairly terrible at it. Also, I waited until I was thirty-six to have my child. After three years of motherhood, I am still grieving my old life – the independence, the freedom, and the ability to pop out my front door without thinking about anyone else, much less who needs a towel or snack.

Instead of just allowing myself to be terrible at material and practical things and process this grief, I’ve been torturing myself with self-doubt and self-criticism.

Why should I feel so sad? Other people have six children! Other moms seem completely fine with this no-freedom thing. Why can’t I make one single cute crafty thing? Why haven’t I thought up some snazzy educational activity for my child today? There are people who are starving and penniless and I’m worrying about freedom! You get the drift.

I have also felt self-doubt around pretty much every parenting decision I make as I navigate the minefield of advice, parenting books, Facebook, The Internet, and What Everyone Else Is Doing.

I imagine that other moms have their own unique struggles, concerns and self-doubts, but addressing this is not the focus of our collective motherhood experience. I don’t hear a lot of moms talking to each other about their inner landscape, and I can see why. It’s scary to admit it out loud. This is the stuff we don’t talk about – at least not much – with each other.

The Magazine Version of motherhood displays a picture-perfect example of what it looks like to be a good mom.

What Really Happens is a messy, bodily-fluid covered, un-sanitized, heart-stopping experience.

Motherhood tests every idea you’ve ever had about yourself, shows you exactly where you are still a toddler yourself, and brings you face-to-face with your rawest emotions.

Often, when I express a frustration or struggle, other people will respond with, “Yes, but just enjoy every moment because it passes so quickly.” Or, “aren’t you just grateful to have such a perfect, beautiful child?”

Do we really need to sanitize the raw emotions of motherhood so quickly? I promise, if you allow and feel the dark side of motherhood, the beauty and joy won’t go away. Nothing bad will happen. Nobody will be harmed. In fact, fewer people will be harmed, and there will be MORE joy and beauty.

I’m all about admitting the dark stuff. I learned, from the Mind Body Syndromes I’ve had, that when I pretend I’m ok or focus only on the positives, I suffer. My body breaks down. My connection to myself erodes.

When I skim over the dark side and only look at the light, I forget how to care for myself or address my deepest needs.

I’ve had to remind myself of this lately, and allow myself to grieve the old life. I’ve had to look closely at what being a good mom means, to me, in my heart.

What I’ve discovered is two-fold:

1) The only way to know if I’m “doing it right” as a mom is to stop trying to do it right. Instead, I have to parent from a tortuously honest place in my heart, and ask only one question: Am I aligned with my heart in this moment?

Sometimes – quite often – I’m not. I’m letting external focus or schedules or “should” thoughts get in my way. My sole practice has become turning back to my heart anytime I’ve left it behind, and being kind to myself every time I forget.

2) Motherhood is all about the “and.” There’s light and dark. Joy and fury. Connection and disconnection. It’s ok to allow everything to co-exist, because this is the reality. Admitting I’m furious allows me to not react/act in ways I’ll regret later.

I went on a business trip a few months ago, and it was my first time to experience a couple of days of the old freedom. I marveled at the simplicity of waking up in the morning with only myself to shower, dress, and feed. I remembered the old days. I felt the peace of being alone, and enjoyed the quiet.

AND.

I realized that the old life was like a movie shot in black-and-white. Really cool, fun, and awesome for it’s time, but if you’ve seen a movie in color, black and white seems pretty flat.

My life, now, is full of color. There’s a vibrancy – a brilliance – that I never even knew existed pre-motherhood.

This little soul who lives in my home is like the hot, core of the sun beaming everywhere into my existence. She radiates life. She explodes at life. She IS love and joy. She doesn’t hold a single thing back, not yet. I get to be with this fiery, fierce, independent, spirited, alive, light. As her parent, I just want to do my best to let her keep on shining.

When I allow myself to grieve, to honor my needs, and to be imperfect, I can find my heart’s guidance. I can be awake to the incredible discomfort and the boundless joy of motherhood, and acknowledge the mix. I can let life be about the AND instead of the OR.

I can let go of the Magazine Version and embrace What Really Happens.

What have you noticed about embracing What Really Happens in your life, be it motherhood or body-image or anything else? What are your thoughts on the stuff we don’t talk about with each other? Tell me below or on Facebook!