Which reminds me that this is always the hardest part for my clients, too. It can be so frustrating. Here we are, in this moment, with whatever we don’t want. Maybe it’s extra weight. Maybe it’s pain. Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is, we want to move away from it, make it change, control it, or beat it with a baseball bat. Well, at least I do!

Sadly, that does not work. Despite my extensive experience with befriending physical pain, anxiety, fear, and extra weight and my arsenal of helpful mind-body tools, I have had the hardest time surrendering to this physical experience I’m having. I’m kind of stubborn.

Instead of being friendly toward the pain, I’ve been kind of grudgingly using my Core Anamsong Mind-Body Practice, while swearing angrily at my body. (Kudos to my body for actually giving me messages while being so treated.)

The problem is that I know I can’t focus on getting rid of the pain. It can’t be the end goal. I can’t wait to live my life when I feel better, because life is happening right now. So, in addition to everything else, I’ve also been beating myself up for being so ridiculously angry and resistant to this pain. I’ve expected myself to be doing my mind-body thing with aplomb and dignity, befriending my pain with serene, loving calm. While, in reality, I’ve sobbed on the phone with friends, wept on my mother’s shoulder, fallen apart daily, and generally been a hot mess. I’ve been a tad bit hard on myself.

Then, I finally took a page out of my own book (literally!).  For the past two weeks, I decided to try something revolutionary. I decided to be kind to myself and allow myself to be really, really, really angry at this experience. And to allow myself to want it to go away. And to be awful at my own mind-body practice. And to be exactly as I am, hot mess and all. All I asked of myself is that I keep using the practice, badly or not. I asked that I keep moving through emotions and keep accessing the wisdom my body is giving me.

So there I was, angry at the experience and sucking at my own mind-body practice. I resisted like mad. I got obsessed with my pain. I did all the same things I’ve been doing for five months – except I stopped beating myself up for the way I’ve been doing them.

As a result, an interesting thing happened.

I started to see things a little differently. I could look back and see where I have listened to my body’s messages. I have moved forward a lot on this current path, even in my frustration. I realized I’m hearing messages daily from my body, and I’m still following them, even if I’m angry at my body. I saw that those messages are adding up. It’s like my body is giving me clues in a scavenger hunt, one at a time.  And even in my resistance, I’ve also not resisted.

A new insight popped in this week. I notice that every time I’m super obsessed with getting rid of my physical pain, I need to connect with my body and feel through a rising emotion. Sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s sadness, and sometimes it’s fear – or a mix of all three. If I let them all happen, on the other side is the message from my body.

The obsessive thoughts about the pain are like a red flag, letting me know some wisdom is ready to emerge via emotion. Sometimes I resist. But it’s ok, because the message is still there for me, whenever I’m ready for it. When I allow the emotions to flow, my body speaks.

You need more rest, it says.

You need to reach out to this person for support, it says.

You need to talk to your spouse about that thing he said yesterday, it says.

You need to read that book, it says.

You must trust yourself, it says.

 Every day, it gives me more and more information. More clues in this scavenger hunt.

 So what’s the prize in this scavenger hunt? The focus on pain relief or getting rid of what I don’t want just doesn’t work. It can’t. Because right now, I’m in pain. Right now, you’re in whatever you’re in. Here we are. To reject what’s happening now makes the suffering much greater. We can want pain relief. We can want to lose weight. We can want and even expect these things. But we have to focus on the connection to ourselves, to our emotions, to our bodies, and to our souls…in between the times when we don’t, of course…

…which leads to the good news I want to share. You don’t have to be perfect at that focus. You can really stink it up. You can be a hot mess. You can obsess. You can do your mind-body practice terribly.

It still works.

You will still end up connecting to yourself, and you will still be guided by the incredible wisdom of your body. In fact, trying to do it perfectly slows the process down. (I can vouch for that first hand, having just experienced five months of it!)

Which leads me to even better news: you can have the prize right now. The scavenger hunt, the little nuggets of guidance from your body – those ARE the prize. That’s what creates a sense of wholeness, a sense of stability, even in the biggest of storms. That’s what we’re really looking for when we want the storm to go away.

We want the storm to leave right now, so that we can feel a certain way. Sometimes it might be peaceful, or content, or joyous. I don’t know about you, but I’ve wanted to feel good about myself. I’ve wanted to feel like a strong, whole, confident, me.

So yes, I have wished the storm away. But when I have befriended it, quite imperfectly, I have surrendered to it. I have let it sweep through my life and destruct what needed destruction. I have allowed myself to fall apart, in order to be rebuilt. I have let everything show me how it wants to be rebuilt. My body is asking for a rebuilding. It wants me to work with it differently and stop ignoring important inner truths. My relationships are asking for a rebuild. My business is asking for a rebuild. My mind-body coach training is asking for a rebuild. My soul is asking me to rebuild my sense of self.

The prize is learning to stand in the storm and let it wash through my life, bringing me a much deeper connection with myself. The prize is letting go of the ways I held myself away from others, afraid of being seen as emotional, messy, or imperfect. I didn’t know that I had to be a mess to find out I’m actually ok. My favorite message from my body is this: I get to be me.

There will always be storms. Some will be hurricanes. Others will not. I can push away the storms, resist them, and fight them. But when I’m ready, I can let them in and let them bring wisdom, truth, and necessary change to my life. That is the ongoing prize of imperfect, messy, and incredibly magical mind-body work.

This week, I listened to my body just that much more. I felt a little less resistance. I trusted myself a little bit more. I felt like a very strong boat floating in the stormy seas. I am tossed around by the waves. I am buffeted by gale-force winds. Sometimes I want out of the storm. Other times, I surrender to it and all that it’s bringing me.

Here I am, in this moment, exactly as I am.  I get to be me.

Since my last blog post, a lot has happened for me. This might sound like an exciting statement. However, those of you who have embarked on mind-body journeys of your own know that “a lot happening” often means “a lot of discomfort.” Blech.  I am embroiled in discomfort at the moment. Which, oddly enough, is a good sign…

Why? Because I’m going through a massive rebirth in all areas of my life. I’ll share with you in more detail over the next few weeks/months. In some ways, my pre-baby life wasn’t me living as authentically as I could have been. Now, I am getting deeply reconnected with myself, and yet meeting myself anew.

I have a feeling that many of you are also experiencing discomfort and or major rebirths, so I thought I’d continue in the same vein as my last post and share my current experiences with you. (I swear, I’ll make the next post shorter!) Maybe you’ll find some insight, and maybe you’ll send me some. I know this: together, we’ll be stronger than on our own. Also, this journey we’re on is more fun if we do it together. I cannot tell you how touched I was by the messages you all sent me after I wrote that last post. I received so much love and so much kindness, and it made my current journey feel easier. Thank you all SO MUCH!

I’ve been writing and teaching about the mind-body connection for the last five years, but in those years, I’ve felt pretty great, overall, in my body.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had strong body pain. There have been occasions when my body has spoken to me via physical pain, but it’s been pretty mild. Now, though, I have entered what I’m calling my Mind-Body Ph.D Program. It’s personally designed to awaken me to a deeper awareness of my mind-body connection, my soul, my authentic self, and my life’s work.

My current physical pain is in a totally new location and different from my original mind-body syndrome (vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis), which is how I know this is a big new learning cycle for me. (In fact, the old mind-body syndromes did not even crop up after childbirth, despite their location!) I’m feeling it physically in my sacrum/tailbone area. Nothing is wrong. My body is fine. Structurally, I’m great. My body and soul are just helping me go deeper. This often happens when we choose new paths, such as motherhood, which I’ll talk about in a bit.

In case you think I sound really ok with this and totally aligned with myself, accepting, and full of wisdom, let me reassure you. I am not. I have resisted this experience with all my might. I have raged at it. I have wept. I have generally been a hot mess. I have felt like an idiot. I have berated myself. I have felt crazy. I have felt all kinds of things. I have avoided myself. I have avoided my tools. I have avoided deep truths and emotions. I have felt like my life is in every possible form of upheaval, what with being a new mom and all the inherent transition. I have felt alone.

Every single day, I wake up and want this pain experience to end.

Yep, that’s the truth. But here’s the thing. None of that matters. If you’re currently reading or have read my “Hear Your Soul, Heal Yourself” free eBook , then you know I’m just experiencing resistance. Which is normal. Which is part of the process itself. Whatever your experience is, be it physical pain, emotional pain, extra weight, or other struggles, I’d like to invite you to come along with me as I use the mind-body tools in my current daily Ph.D experience.  I know just how tough and crazy-making this journey can be, and I sure don’t want to go it alone this time. 

Want to join me? 

Here’s the plan:

I’ll be sharing various things about what I’m doing in my blog posts (they may not be weekly, depending on how much rest my body is asking for each week – so, I’m leaving it open). I’ll post on the Anamsong Facebook page. You then join in and comment/share on the blogs or the page, as you so desire! My whole intention with the Facebook page was to create a space for community around mind-body connection processes. Let’s go for it!

There’s just ONE RULE for this community. We don’t talk about our actual physical pain, weight, or anxiety/life issue. You’ll notice I didn’t dwell much on it above. And henceforth, I will not write about it anymore.

Why not?

Because it’s not the real issue. It’s just a wake-up call. An alarm clock. A fire alarm. Focusing on it is like smacking the fire alarm over and over while the fire sneaks up behind you. What’s really going on is deeper, and the only way to connect with it is to move beyond focusing on the experience we are resisting. So we talk about EVERYTHING ELSE in our lives, and feel the emotions around those issues. Truths emerge! Insights happen! Tension is released. Slowly, gently, our experiences begin to reflect our new alignment with ourselves.

Yeah, I know. Here’s this really frustrating thing, and we’re not going to talk about it? Gack!

Notice I didn’t say “never talk about it.” I just mean within our community here. It’s too easy to fall into the above-mentioned fire-alarm trap. I do have a few close friends with whom I talk about the physical pain. This helps, because they know I’m trying to release the attention around that and move deeper.

How do we navigate this? Well, here’s what I’ve been doing.

1)     First, I notice when I’m really obsessed with the experience I don’t want. (This is a form of Mind-Whispering – creating this mental awareness.)

2)     Second, I notice when I’m fighting against it. I allow myself to resist and simply notice that I am.

3)     Third, I allow myself to grieve about it if needed. This usually lasts around 5-10 minutes. (I’ve been known to yell, cry, swear at the universe, phone a friend and wail).

4)     Next, I nudge myself to GO DEEPER by paying attention to my body and emotions. I use my emotion about my current physical pain to open the door to emotions underneath, about other areas of my life that are calling for my attention. I use whatever tool I need in that moment to bring body and emotion awareness to the forefront. (It might be Dropping Contractions, Fight or Flight Release, or just breathing.)

5)     I ask for help if the pain decoy seems all consuming, (I’ve called my Endorsed Coaches or other mind-body savvy friends) and I get reminded to Flip my Focus and go deeper, beyond the pain and therefore out of the tailspin.

6)     Usually, after I feel through the emotion, I come out a bit wiser and much more relaxed. Truths emerge. I reconnect to myself. I start the rebuild process just that much more.

(All processes mentioned above are in the eBook!)

So, if you want to join me, please do! Just follow the one rule. Things that are ok to post include things like: (remember, I’m holding myself to this, too!)

1)     Wow, I notice I’m really resisting today.

2)     Grieving about my issue today.

3)     I could use some help – I keep thinking about my pain/weight/issue (anxiety is treated like a pain symptom, by the way).

4)     Anything about feeling body awareness or emotions or insights gained – aka The Real Stuff.

These statements create awareness, which helps us yank ourselves up out of the quicksand of freaking out about the pain/issue and back into our lives. What happens when we get back into our lives? Well, we FEEL STUFF.

Recently, in my own experience, I have felt a lot of stuff. I’ve been up to my nose in it. I’ve had all sorts of emotions. I’ve had plenty of emotional and physical discomfort. I’ve also had what comes with this: growth and insight, and a sense of returning home to myself, bit by bit.

The thing is, I’ve been suppressing a lot of emotion over the last year and a half, without even realizing it. Also, every so often, the mind-body-soul as a whole wakes me up to the need to release really old stuff, too, on a deeper level. On top of that, I set a clear intention when I decided to become a mom. I said to the universe: I intend to be a very present mom.

Well, it’s hard to be present without being real with myself about my emotions, my past, my deep inner truths, and such. So the universe took me up on my intention and grabbed my attention very, very, effectively. Crap.

I’m entering this current experience with a kindergarten mind. I’ve decided to let myself relearn everything I thought I knew. As soon as I made that decision, I felt much more at peace with my current experience (but, please note – not completely. Perfection is not necessary.).  I know from my past mind-body journeys that this adventure is only happening because I really need it. I know, for example, that when I kick off the Mind-Body Coach Training in April, I will be a much better teacher, a much more receptive student, (I always learn so much from everyone in the training!) and will have a much deeper understanding of the mind-body connection than before. That is my path.

So, here’s what I’m re-learning right now:

It’s not about feeling better (whether that means mentally, physically, or emotionally). Instead, it’s about FEELING. Feeling body awareness. Feeling emotions. Feeling into the moment to know what my soul is saying right now. DAMMIT, THAT IS SO HARD!

Yes, I want to feel better. Of course I do! And yet, I know that’s a Catch-22. So every day, I try not to for a while. Then I remember to just accept that I want to feel better. And then I focus on feeling my body awareness and my emotions. I breathe.

A lot of the time, I feel somewhat like I do in those naked dreams we all have. You know, the ones where you show up to math class with your boobs hanging out. (If you don’t have those dreams, well, I don’t want to know. I’ll just pretend they’re normal.)

I use my grief blanket a lot.

I resist.

I breathe.

I pay attention to all the elements of my life that are asking for attention and awareness. My baby. My body (oh wow, was I ever escaping my body!). My marriage. My business. My self.

I find out something new about these elements of my life every day. I find something I’ve been avoiding or suppressing every day. I feel lots of emotional discomfort and still feel body pain. Everything is there in my awareness – whammo! This, I know, is the hardest part of the journey. So, I breathe and feel. And resist. And breathe and feel. And grieve random stuff. And breathe. And resist some more.

Sometimes, joy pops in for a visit. Sometimes, I feel the underlying peace of being on this journey and not trying so hard. Sometimes, I feel AWFUL. That’s how I know it’s “working.” There’s emotional movement, and I’m not feeling stuck. I’m awakening to a new sense of self. I’m moving through a huge transition. There is flow. There is me, feeling stuff. That’s the evidence that I’m on the path, putting one foot in front of the other.

Let’s get one thing straight: I do none of this perfectly. I’ve decided to focus on just one thing, and it’s not perfection. It’s consistency. Persistence.

Sometimes, I think I should do it perfectly. Ah, that sneaky mind. It’s a trap!

There is no perfect. And yet, I am doing it perfectly, no matter what.

In this moment, right now, I feel gratitude. Gratitude that I’m learning so much more now. Gratitude that I’m falling in love again with the mind-body journey – so much more in love! Gratitude that I’m discovering truths in my life and my life’s work. Gratitude that I have you all to share with and to grow with, because you are all amazing and have so much to share, too. Gratitude that I have a daughter and a husband who are part of this journey, too. Gratitude that I have family and friends who support me in such amazing ways. Gratitude that I am doing my life’s work, and that I’m opening up to new levels of authenticity and honesty, with myself and, as a result, with you.

Don’t worry if you’re not feeling gratitude right now. There’s nothing to strive for. Feel what you’re feeling. I will likely wake up tomorrow pissed off and resistant yet again.

And that’s okay.

This is the journey. It’s just a path to authenticity. It’s just my desire to be real with myself and what’s happening, right now. Onward we go, Authentic Warriors! It’s not easy, but still, we do it.

And that’s pretty cool.