The idea that this was causing my body to react with tension and pain really blew my mind. And, it made so much sense. It was, truly, the only logical explanation for the sudden, out-of-nowhere chronic pelvic pain syndromes I’d developed; vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis. Every other explanation lacked the simplicity and clarity of that one, and so I decided to use a mind-body healing approach to my syndromes.

In doing so, not only did I eliminate the pain syndromes, but I changed every single aspect of my life for the better. Why? Because I changed the driving force behind all of my actions and decisions.

I used to act from fear. Fear of not being perfect or good enough. Fear of not succeeding. Fear of people not liking me. Fear of something failing or falling apart. Fear of messing up. Fear of losing something or someone.

When you look at it like that, it’s quite a lot of fear. Fear, unfelt and un-faced, remains within the body. This causes tension and stress…and pain.

To heal my body and mind, I had to find the antidote to a fear-based life.

What’s the antidote?

A love-based life.

I had to learn how to make all choices, actions, and decisions based on love.

In every moment, there’s a fear-based focus and a love-based focus. The fear-based focus says, “I have to do/should do x,y, or z because something bad might happen.” The love-based focus says, “I am choosing this because it feels right, and it feels like love.”

A love-based life means asking myself if what I’m thinking or doing is because I love me and want to care for me, or because I’m afraid of something.

I have to stop and pay attention. Am I tense? Holding my breath? If so, I’m trying not to feel fear. It’s time to connect to myself, be aware of the fear, and find my way back to love.

If I love me, I don’t have to be perfect, good-enough, or responsible for the whole world. I can just be.

If I love me, I can treat myself with kindness instead of criticism.

If I love me, I can choose actions because they feel joyful, loving, and fun.

Now, I listen deeply to the truth in my heart. From there, I choose to eat foods I love. I choose to enjoy activities I love. I choose to work in a career I love, in ways that I love.

Before anything can become a part of my life, it has to pass the love test. If it doesn’t feel absolutely right and loving for myself, then it doesn’t pass.

This love-based life has given me my health back. It’s given me my life back – only it’s a much better life! It’s given me the work I love, the child I love, and so much more.

Choosing to love me and to live a love-based life healed my body and united me with my spirit.

I’ve noticed that my responsibility habit comes up whenever I have a perceived failure.  My inner perfectionist really does not do well with so called failure, and she instantly starts beating me with a litany of reasons I should have done a better job, have let everyone down, could have done more…and on and on.

I realize this does not help any situation, but the old pattern sometimes takes over before I’m aware of it.  I find myself feeling terribly guilty that so-and-so is upset, certain that it is all my fault.  Which of course, it isn’t.  And taking that on never helps the person who is feeling upset.

I mention this old habit because it might be something that plagues you, too, every now and then.  When I read Dr. John Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I noticed a strong similarity between myself and the typical person who has mind-body pain.  Strong as in I had all of the traits on the list.  So do most of my clients.

So, guys, let’s do something useful with this responsibility-taker within us.  Let’s do something outrageous.  Instead of thinking something like, “I must eradicate this responsibility-taker within me to get rid of my pain,” let’s get a little wild.

Let’s embrace the responsibility-taker.

Let’s take a look at how that part of us serves us.

It makes us reliable, helpful, dependable, useful, and good team members.  It’s only when we take more than our share of responsibility that we get ourselves into trouble (as in stress – the kind that cannot be relieved, because it isn’t our stress to begin with) and therefore, pain.

I find that when I embrace parts of myself that are causing a problem in my life, I am able to relax.  I am able to see why that part of me exists, how it helps me, and why I don’t really want to get rid of it.  And yet – I don’t have to be a slave to it, either.  I don’t have to be doomed forever with this personality trait.  It’s simply one small piece of who I am, and when I observe it, I detach from it peacefully.  I simply notice I’m falling into that habit, which gives me a moment to decide whether or not I’d really like to do that.

This week, I would rather not take more than my share of responsibility.  So, to all those people who are going about their own lives, unaware of me and my responsibility-taking, I gently return to you your own emotions, issues, and stresses.  I have the confidence that you have what it takes within you to run your own life.

I have to tell you – that feels very good.  Ahhhh.  But don’t take my word for it!  Try it yourself.