I really had no idea that such a simple thing as switching from mealtime to bathtime could include three meltdowns and take oh, say, four hours. 

As a new parent, I learned that every day is filled with transitions from one activity to the next and that kids do transitions differently than we do. Things I didn’t even think were a big deal turned out to be enormous transitions for my girl.  

I discovered numerous fabulous parenting tools to help her move through transitions. I read several amazing parenting books. I learned about her needs and how to help her deal with fear. And transitions still took time. 

Quite accidentally, I also learned about myself. (Isn’t this exactly how parenting works?)

I realized that Western culture zips right past most transitions in its hectic passion for progress and achievement. 

Grief? We’ll give you a couple of months. Then it’s time to start “moving on.” (Insert giant eye roll here.)

Physical health or mental health healing processes? Too bad. No time for that. (Ugh.)

Got married? Moved? Started your period? Left a job? Come on! Let’s keep moving. What’s next? (OMG.)

When I slowed my transitions down to meet my child where she was (and not even remotely perfectly, mind you), I benefited. 

What if we, as adults, gave ourselves the space we need to really work through change?

What if every transition (even the ones we discount) was acceptable and allowed, no matter your personal pace? 

If culture isn’t going to lead the way, we’ll have to do it. The feminine energy that honors transitions is inside us, no matter how much culture has trampled it. 

If we steadfastly refuse to move faster than we need to, a funny thing happens. First, we tap into the power every toddler wields with alacrity. Second, we feel better. Our bodies and spirits finally have a say in how to handle the big and small transitions. We have the time and space to transform. We can heal. 

Here’s a short practice you can do to slow down and support yourself around transitions:

1. Write down a few things you have discounted as “no big deal” that you suspect might need some time and space.
2. Journal about these moments, talk with a friend, or find some way to acknowledge those things for the transitions they are.
3. If you want, create a ceremony or ritual to honor the transition, much like cultures used to do in the past. It doesn’t have to meet any criteria. Let yourself be as creative or as simple as you like. Do it alone or invite a friend or two. Trust that whatever you need is perfect. 

For me, taking into account my own needs and allowing myself to recognize and honor transitions has allowed me to bring my whole self with me on my life path. I’m no longer ditching parts of myself and leaving them behind, waylaid by the emotional and mental needs I’ve ignored by plowing forward. 

So, if you see me balking at leaving the dinner table and dawdling my way to bed, just know I’ve finally wised up and taken a page out of my daughter’s book. She is a wise and brilliant teacher. 

I’d love to hear your transition revelations over in the Mind-Body Magic Facebook Group! Come join the conversation here.

I am a recovering fire fleer.

You may be wondering, what’s the problem with that? Aren’t you supposed to flee fires? Seems like a sound thing to do, doesn’t it? But alas I am not speaking of real fires. I’m speaking of emotional feet-to-the-flame kind of fires.

Martha Beck coined the term fire fleer in her book, Steering by Starlight. The goal of the fire fleer is to avoid emotional pain and discomfort at all costs by pretending that everything is ok and fine … when it’s not.

Often when you have fire fleer traits and you suffer a huge loss, life disappointment or even a seemingly small loss, you don’t allow yourself to stay with your uncomfortable feelings for longer than one hot second. Preferably, you quickly jam them down like a child trying to stuff all the clutter of their messy room into one tiny toy box. Or maybe if you’re like me and the emotional flames get really hot, you run madly for the hills.

Once you’ve reached the safety of the hills, you then pour all your energy into focusing away from any naggy or graspy feelings and toward future dreams or goals instead. But trying to distract yourself from pain and discomfort by focusing on the future and the positive things that may exist for you there often backfires and creates unstable conditions.

Creating the Monster

Here’s what happens. Fire fleeing doubles the discomfort because it creates resistance.

It doesn’t magically make the uncomfortable feelings go away. It actually creates greater tension. Now you not only feel the discomfort of the emotions, but also the uncomfortable energy of trying to resist them.

I am a great example of just how un-helpful fire fleeing can be as a coping mechanism.

A few years back I was in the midst of an ugly breakdown. I was trying madly to stuff everything that felt bad into the tiny toy box of my existence. I was a complete and hot icky mess.

Depression and anxiety had become my constant unwanted companions. My beloved father had passed away and I was struggling not only with the grief of his death, but also with finding my way in the world as a new wife and mother. The inside of me felt like an emotional war zone – the raging-afraid and grieving parts of me were battling with the parts of me that thought they shouldn’t exist. Yes, my father was gone, but overall didn’t I have everything I thought I’d always wanted? Why am I so afraid? Depressed? Angry? and why do I want to cry all the time? I should be happy. Nonetheless the more I resisted what I was feeling the worse I felt.

Years of stuffed emotions were creeping up from inside of me. They were like scary monsters I was trying to escape – but every door I opened there they were.

My mother would say, “Sometimes you have to sit and have tea with the monster.”

I did not want to have tea with the monster, and yet I could no longer escape it.

So with loving encouragement my fire fleeing self let go and sat down with the beast of my emotions.

It was different than I thought it was going to be.

It was uncomfortable and messy, like facing a problem you’ve been avoiding for a long time, but there’s also sweet relief that comes with not resisting what’s present any longer … like the feeling you get after tensing your muscles super tight for a minute (or a lifetime) and then letting go – it feels rubbery and relaxed not to be holding on any more.

The relief of letting go is what kept me coming back to the table and in the process a really beautiful thing happened …

My emotions were like the tiny irritating grains of sand that helped me create a connection to the pearly beauty of my inner wellbeing. I started to become acquainted with that still part inside myself that is always ok.

You can connect with the pearly beauty of your inner wellbeing too.

First, stop running. Imagine yourself in the safest most comfortable place that exists for you – maybe in the arms of a loved one or cozed up with a beloved pet. Then focus on your breathing and notice what it feels like to be alive in your body.

Second, see if you can note what you’re feeling emotionally. There are four basic emotions, sad, mad, glad and afraid. You may be feeling a mix of emotions or you may not be able to identify any right now. That’s fine.

Third, there is no ‘right or wrong’ way to do this. Whatever comes up or doesn’t come up is OK. It’s all just information. The more you can witness the energy of your experience without judging it and/or trying to make it go away the easier life becomes.

Fourth, (and this is really important, I say … lovingly … taking you by the shoulders) congratulate yourself for staying with your current experience for a couple of moments. (Also note that you’re still alive.) J

That’s it. Take it slow – no need to try and force yourself to feel for an extended amount of time. As a fire fleer, one of the most helpful things you can build for yourself is the “knowing” that you can allow and experience your uncomfortable emotions and be transformed by the fire … maybe you’ll even find, as I did, that it’s different than you think.

Endorsed Coach – Linda Bayly-Fennell

I am a Mind-Body Coach and a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. I live in upstate NY with my husband, two elementary school aged kids and our dear and wild Australian cattle dog.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with trying to be the ‘right’ thing … the right person, daughter, friend, employee, mother, wife, coach … whatever it was, I desperately wanted to do it ‘perfectly’ and be ‘good’.  Not a fun way to live. It took its toll on my body and wellbeing.  Through my coach trainings I learned how to tune in to my own internal wisdom, letting it guide me toward what was right for me.  As a coach, I’m here to help you on your journey. My clients appreciate the warm, welcoming, safe space I provide. They also say I’m wise, funny and open…. irreverent and kind.

If you would like to learn more about coaching together, please send me an email.

Now that I’m four years into practicing mind-body connection skills on a daily basis, I thought I’d weather major life change and the stress that comes with it with ease. It turns out it’s not that easy. But using mind-body skills is definitely helping. I’d hate to think what I’d be feeling like this time without them.

Wired for Deep Feeling

A common thread I’m recognizing in my bodily constitution is that I’m a deep feeler in that I feel emotions in a very physical way which puts stress on my body and nervous system, even when I’m being very conscious of feeling my emotions. My current life change challenge involves adjusting to my youngest child having gone away to college, leaving an empty nest for my husband and me. You wouldn’t think that “empty nest” would be so emotionally challenging, but judging by how my body feels, it’s a profound life change. The most essential mind-body skills I’m using now is awareness of what I’m feeling and staying connected with my true self.

Signs of Disconnection

When the mind and body are disconnected I feel separate, alone and contracted. My mind judges me harshly and isn’t kind. I’m full of doubt and fear takes the lead. My body feels tense, painful or uncomfortable. I have thoughts that I’m not good enough, I don’t fit in, there’s not enough, or there’s something wrong with me. I’m reactive, not conscious of what I’m doing or how I’m reacting. I’m coming from my triggered self – lashing out at other people and desperately trying to fix it so I feel better. Ideally, when I feel like this, I recognize it and turn towards feeling my emotions while I delay taking action until after the emotions subside and I can reconnect with my true self.

What Mind-Body Connection Feels Like

When I’m connected with my true self, I have an inner focus noticing what I’m feeling physically and emotionally in the moment, letting go of resistance to it, and finding a calm and steady place in my body in the midst of discomfort. This calm and steady place is connected with my empowered, grounded, adult, highest, empowered, all- knowing self. One of the keys to being able to be with and allow emotional flow is to do it from a conscious, watchful and supportive space. I know I’m in that space when I feel calm, kind, love, curiosity, compassion and connection.

The Practice of Staying Centered in Your True Self:

1.    Close your eyes and have an inner body focus. Let go of focusing on your thinking and drop your awareness into the center of your body. Follow the movement of your breath with your awareness. Feel into the core of your body. Feel the heaviness of your body and its connection to the earth. Find a place of stillness or calm in your body and focus there.

2.    Imagine your wise, adult, confident, empowered, complete self with you in this moment. It’s the larger you with all of its infinite wisdom and broad perspective. Breathe into this energy which is whole, kind, connected, curious, compassionate and loving.  

3.    From this grounded and centered space, sense what you know for sure.

When I tap into my true self I feel loved, supported, empowered, and reassured. I can relax back into that greater energy which is holding me. I feel openhearted, deeply connected, and aligned with who I really am. My physical body feels more at ease and relaxed. I can let go of my struggles, just be in the moment, accept what is present, and be okay with it. It reconnects me with what I know for sure deep in my heart and soul and gives me the courage to trust it and have faith in my future.

What I Know for Sure

What I know for sure is that the grief accompanying my empty nest has left me tired and depleted. It’s a time to slow down, rest and allow my body and soul to recover and adjust to this profound change. The way to rejuvenation is to stay in my true self as much as possible while making space for feeling what’s present. I’m reaching out for support when I need it. I bring loving kindness to the way I’m moving through this change. This is Square 1 of Martha Beck’s change cycle where the mantra is “I don’t know what the hell is going on and that’s okay.” When I’m okay with this profound change, I stay centered in my true self and move from here. Oh, and I’m making more room for fun and play too!

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

I wanted to celebrate the transition into motherhood with something less traditional and more magical. I wanted to focus on my motherhood intentions and creating a supportive energy for the birth process. Thankfully, my friends are all on the same wavelength. The amazing Jessica Steward created a virtual Blessingway Ceremony that included all of those elements.

The Blessingway is an old Navajo (Native American) ceremony, which celebrates a woman’s rite of passage into motherhood, and it was a perfect way for me to celebrate and prepare for giving birth and becoming a mother. It had just the right mix of connection, magical intentions, candles, prayer, and poetry. It illuminated the motherhood threshold and helped me walk forward with a sense of support and companionship. All the members of my Blessingway Ceremony wore a piece of red yarn around their wrists to symbolize safety, support, and connection. 

When I went into labor, I sent a quick announcement text to the Blessingway members and lit my Saint Bridgette candle. I felt the energy of everyone’s support as I embarked on the birthing process journey. Even though we were spread all over the United States, I could sense our solidarity in that moment, and it gave me strength as I rode the waves of contractions and gave birth to Aela. As soon as she was welcomed into the world, everyone cut the red yarn in celebration. I can’t imagine going through the birth process without the loving connection of all those kind souls.

In the coaching world, we often focus on self-coaching and how we can work through difficult transitions with great coaching tools. Sometimes, self-coaching means reaching out to a community of individuals who can support you in times of great change. The power of ritual and ceremony during major life transitions is incredibly helpful. Since many ancient traditional ceremonies and rituals like the Blessingway have ceased to be a part of our cultural norm, Jessica Steward and I thought it would be fun and helpful to create a class for anyone interested in re-igniting these traditions to support major transitions.

The Blessingway is only one example of a ceremony, and giving birth is only one example of a major life transition. We’ve put together a class that incorporates various other rituals, ceremonies, and supportive practices for a large variety of life transitions. So if you or a loved one are facing a major or even small life transition, we’d love to have you join us for the Mother, Maiden, Crone: Tools to Celebrate and Support Major Transitions in Women’s Lives Tele-course  that kicks off on Oct 17.

Here’s a simple ritual to prepare for class!

1. Buy a candle. (Every good ritual requires a candle! White is a purifying color & great for every ritual or celebration.) (Abigail and Jessica adore Zena Moon.

2. Buy a special journal (Abigail and Jessica love Paperblanks,
   
   but you can use any journal that feels special to you.

3. Find a space in your home where you can create a mini-sanctuaryl put a sacred symbol that resonates or calls to you (e.g. a beautiful rock or gemstone, a small statue of an angel, saint or kuan yin)

4. Say a small prayer or blessing to come prepare the space. (e.g. “May God/Goddess bring love, health, happiness, and abundance into this space. With gratitude, I thank you.”)

5. Sit quietly for five minutes, paying attention to your breath. Imagine your breath coming in through your nose and leaving out through the bottoms of your feet.

Now you are ready for class!

To learn more and register, click here.