The mind-body community is growing leaps and bounds as more and more people are being drawn to this work to heal themselves and to heal others. I, like many other people, was called to this little sliver of the healing world because my body said “No More!!” I had my breakdown and for years it seemed like the only thing I knew was pain, and I swam through rough, rocky waters to find what my own healing has looked like. I’m sure everybody that’s reading this has had to travel through his or her own rocky waters in their own journey. I want to write a little bit about my own healing journey in a way that may not have been given much attention in previous newsletters or blogs on this site. It’s a different perspective that I bet a certain portion of the readers can relate to, but may be very quiet about.

My journey post-breakdown started just like many others with me bouncing around from doctor to doctor looking for answers. There had to be something wrong with me, and there had to be an easy magic pill to take my pain away, right? I had test after uncomfortable test done with nothing ever really coming back to help ease my search for hope. I heard the fibro work spoken to me from uncompassionate doctors over and over again, and was told by many that there wasn’t much that I was going to be able to do to ever heal. I started to research the diagnosis, and immediately saw that it is typically a diagnosis and a condition that afflicts women. You may wondering at this point how this post is offering a different perspective. What if I told you that I’m a man?

Apparently there was no rule that prevented the Universe from bestowing these lovely symptoms upon me because I wasn’t born with XX chromosomes like the “normal” sufferer. The funny thing is that I’m no stranger to dealing with things that have a female stereotype attached to them. I actually had a very long battle with an eating disorder in my late teens and early tomid-twenties that nearly took my life. I was diagnosed with a “girl’s disease” and it crushed me. I tried to do research and find resources to help me, and it was all tailored to women. Heck, even one of the diagnostic criteria for that illness was that I had to miss my period for 3-4 months. Hmm, well I’ve actually never had my period. It was a very lonely period of time for me where I kept my illness a secret from almost everybody. It had a shameful connotation to it, and I didn’t want to feel judged or laughed at for having such an illness. Fast forward a few years and I walked out of a 4 month hospitalization with a determination to heal myself, and to also do it while showing the world that men can and do suffer with illnesses that are typically seen as “girl’s things.”

I did a lot of work in the mental health world, became an international speaker, an author, and did a whole bunch of other fun stuff to help people learn through my story, and to show everybody, both men and women, that you’re never alone in your struggles and that you can heal. I tried to shatter the stereotype and break the mold, and I know I was able to do great things as seemingly the lone voice for many that felt voiceless. So, now we come to 2013 and I’m given the fibromyalgia diagnosis, and I immediately laugh to myself and say, “Great, another girl’s disease.” I thought it was another sick joke that was being played on me. Little did I know that my healing journey since that day would take me through a gender induced sense of isolation and challenge me in ways that I didn’t think were possible.

I noticed pretty early on that many of the resources I found were geared towards women. The old frustrations arose. I was only able to find one other man along that way that knew and understood what I was going through. Fortunately for me, he ended up planting a seed of hope deep within my soul that I never let go off regardless of how dark some of the days would become. I noticed from the get-go that being in crippling pain challenged the ideal image of manhood that had been pounded into me for over 30 years. We are supposed to be strong, to plow and fight through, and to not be weak or show weakness. We are supposed to get up, go to work, and provide for our families regardless of what’s going on in our lives. That’s what a “man” would do. Well, I tried to do that for a while, but I was dying inside because my body was telling me to STOP! I ended up crumbling and feeling defeated. I didn’t receive the support or help that I needed by family members. I’ve learned that pain is a very interesting thing because people don’t understand it because they cannot see it, and those around me couldn’t grasp what it was like because they had never experienced anything like it before. They thought I was being dramatic and really over the top about everything. How could anybody be in such pain when there isn’t anything wrong with them? How could somebody be bedridden without clear proof showing the reason for their pain? I could tell that they just wanted me to “man up.” That was going to be quite difficult because I literally couldn’t sit up, stand up, put my legs up, pick the groceries up, eat my eggs up, or anything with the word “up” in it, let alone “man up.”

I was determined to beat yet another diagnosis, and bounced around trying different therapies and holistic work. I did myofascial release, and worked with somatic educators. I took classes, and learned how to give and receive reiki. I tried A LOT of different things, most of which were very painful, and I noticed that I was usually the lone guy in a group of women. This wasn’t the easiest thing for me, but if I hadn’t done so much in the eating disorder world years prior, I know this would have really frustrated me, and I may even have given up. It was tough. It was tough to admit that I couldn’t function like a “normal” human being to a female therapy provider or a class of women. It goes against everything we males are taught through socialization. There are things that men do and there are things that men are not supposed to do, and admitting weakness and fragility is typically a societal no-no for us.

Then I find my way to one Abigail Steidley. My journey to Abigail was like 6 degrees of separation from that one male who planted that seed of hope in my soul. He sent me to a myofascial release therapist, that gave me the number of her life coach friend, who talked to me about one of her friends that did this thing called mind-body coaching, and after visiting her website I saw she trained under this Abigail lady. It wasn’t a clear path, but it was a path that I somehow made a weird sense to me. It’s been a path that has been anything but linear. So I ended up on the doorstep of this mind-body world. Ok, great, this should be easy now, right? All I have to do is follow the directions and all will be solved, right? I arrived to Abigail’s work and noticed there was a lot about pelvic and vaginal pain, which had thinking “of course” at first, but I was drawn to look deeper. I dove into the work and really started learning about the concepts of TMS, the fight or flight response, the nervous systems, and all of this stuff that finally gave me legitimate reasons for what I was going through.

I took the leap and entered into the mind-body coach training. The training class was 90% female, so the trend continued. We ended up in the world of emotions as part of our training. Wait, what are emotions? You mean you want me to feel? You mean to tell me that in order to heal I actually have to feel? Hey, “Feel to Heal” could be my new catch phrase or marketing scheme. Crap, I haven’t felt for 20 plus years, and you want me to start now? Jumping back to things that are taboo for men to do would show us that emotions are pretty high on the list. I know feeling emotions is taboo for most people, but many men are told throughout their lives that “being a man” often means not being emotional and that emotions make you weak. We are socialized to believe that emotions are for girls. Being emotional is often synonymous with being feminine. Emotions have a female stigma behind them, and men are often barraged with insults such as “What are you, a girl?” “Stop being so sensitive!” “Stop crying and man up!” and “Do you need to change your tampon?” when they show signs of emotional weakness throughout their lives. It’s often “bad” for a male to do anything that is considered womanly. The amazing thing about pain is that it will make you do some crazy things just to get out of it, and if I had to “Feel to Heal” then you can bet I was going to try this feeling thing out.

Fortunately for me, I was asked to start opening up to feel emotions in a very safe, protective environment with my fellow classmates. It was tough, but most importantly I was at a point where I was ready for it. It challenged everything about me. It asked that I become more vulnerable than I ever have before, and do so in a way that is often seen as detrimental to a person of my sex. Vulnerability wasn’t one of my strong suits as I was a master at walling things up behind a very tough exterior. Now, before I write any more I want to clarify that this work isn’t easy for anybody to do at all, and that these pain syndromes and health issues are equally as challenging and crippling for both men and women. I have a special appreciation for what you are all going through, and I send a big virtual high-five or hug to all of you.

It became clear to me that I had to really let go of trying to control my own healing in order to heal. That is completely counter to how I’ve approached every single challenge in my life. I had to let go of the reigns, and just allow the magic to happen as I did the work. This wasn’t physical therapy, and there was no magical prescribed plan that would fix me in 3 weeks. Manning up wasn’t going to solve anything. That goal driven, perfectionist mindset of mine wasn’t going to work. It was going to require the exact opposite. This was an unraveling, an allowing, and an accepting. An accepting? Yes, an accepting of where I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually at any given time. An acceptance and an allowing that symptoms were present. An acceptance and an allowing that my situation wasn’t as manly as it was “supposed” to be. An acceptance and an allowing that I was experiencing everything that I was going through. An acceptance and an allowing that I felt like the lone guy in a room full of women. An acceptance and an allowing that other people might not understand or support what I’m going through or the work that I’m doing. The more I accepted and allowed things, rather than fighting them, hiding them, or being ashamed from them, I realized that I was deeply shifting and healing. The more I allowed, the more I was able to let go of the bag of rocks that my symptoms bestowed on me. The more I let go of those rocks, the more I was able to let go of the other rocks I was carrying, many of which were gender norm related. The more I allowed and accepted, the more I started actually supporting myself and gaining my own peace.

I learned that I didn’t have to carry the weight of the giant bag of rocks I’d been carrying for 20+ years anymore. I didn’t have to carry the shame of being a guy with a “girl’s illness” anymore. I didn’t have to carry the pressures anymore. I learned that I didn’t have to live based on a certain set of standards or norms because of my gender or my life. That’s the big thing I want to get across from all of these words. I learned that I can allow myself to feel for the first time in my life, and I realized that emotions aren’t female things, but rather human things. You were born to feel, and it’s never too late to start. I would like any and all males (and all of the females as well) that may be reading this to know that you aren’t cursed with whatever symptoms you are having. Your pain is real and your symptoms matter. You don’t have to remain hidden about it. You don’t have to be ashamed by it. There may be a very big female presence in the healing community, but that doesn’t mean you are broken, defective, weak, or alone in any way. Yes, this is going to challenge you in ways that are going to be very uncomfortable for you, but I can say that you’ll heal if you have hope and trust your own healing journey. Your journey may not be the same as mine, but I can at least be one voice that will tell you that you can do this. It’s tough, it’s icky, and sometimes it’s painful, but you got this. Plant that seed and let it grow.

——

Vic Avon

Specializes in:

Bag of Rocks Syndrome, Letting Go, Stress and Self-Pressure Relief, and Stepping Out of the Mold So You Can Find and Embrace Your Individual Awesomeness.

email: VicAvonCoaching@gmail.com