Shedding the Should

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Elaine Jeffy

As we enter a new calendar year we often spend time reflecting on the old year and setting goals for the new one.  The voice in our heads is frequently judgmental and critical making it especially important for us to recognize that thoughts and beliefs focusing on self-judgment and self-improvement do NOT lead to self-motivation!

How often do we hear, say or think a version of the following?

What should I do?

How should I behave?

What should I say?

How should I feel?

Or……..I shouldn’t have done that, said that, felt that, etc.etc.etc. ad nauseum.

I believe that this focus on the should and should nots can strongly impact our quality of life and our ability to heal.

Often the should and should nots are very subtle, hovering almost below our conscious awareness.  The inner critic is frequently reminding us to play it safe and follow the rules. It’s like a parent trying to keep us safe from danger.  We learned this pattern through interactions with our parents, teachers and caregivers. We relied on them for safety and survival.  Initially our very lives depended on these individuals.

Much of our mind’s internal chatter, including the should and should nots, relates to primitive survival instincts that are no longer needed and actually keep us disconnected from our natural intuitive responses.

We have all experienced the power of gut feelings – those wordless sensations that carry powerful messages revealing our inner wisdom.  This significant communication is often hidden or ignored as we mindlessly revert to figuring out what to do or say based on the should and should nots.

Regardless of whether the should and should nots are shouting or whispering, they are sources of self-pressure. They keep our body’s stress responses activated interfering with our natural ability to explore creative solutions and deep healing.

In order to foster healing and creativity we need to connect with the place inside ourselves where gut feelings, hunches, imagination and inner wisdom reside.

Maybe we simply need to change the questions we ask ourselves from what we should and should not do, say, be, etc. to –

Does this feel right to me?

Does this delight me?

Does this inspire me?

Does this energize me?

Our internal navigation system is always available to provide guidance as we explore the issue at hand.  Using our physical sensations as a compass is a tool that Martha Beck, calls the Body Compass. This compass connects us to the deep wisdom that speaks to us without words, without thoughts, without limits.

Give it a try:

  • Close your eyes. Pause and turn your attention to your body.
  • Drop into pure awareness noticing your breathing, feeling your feet touching the floor and your body resting on the support beneath it.
  • Bring the issue into your awareness, perhaps visualizing it in your mind’s eye.
  • See yourself changing jobs, asking for a pay raise, buying a car, moving to a new location.
  • Without judgment, calmly scan your entire body observing your physical sensations. Are they heavy or light?  Do they feel free and expansive or tight and constricted?

Initially you may not receive a clear message. But with some practice and patience you will learn to identify your body’s “YES” and your body’s “NO.”  “YES” feels like freedom and “NO” feels like prison.

As you contemplate your goals and intentions for 2018 you may find yourself wondering what you should or should not do. Instead of falling prey to the should and should nots, simply shed them as you pause and remember that your key to healing is always available to unlock your inner wisdom.  The answer lies within you!

Elaine Jeffy

I was trapped in a life of chronic pain and anxiety until I learned that I was not a victim – I was just disconnected from myself and my innate power to heal.

After decades of failed treatments and finally surgery, I discovered the mind-body approach to healing, and it transformed every area of my life!   I was led to become a coach as I yearned to help others unlock their truth and claim their own healing power.  I am a certified Martha Beck Life Coach, Anamsong Endorsed Mind-Body Coach and certified by the Whole Health Medicine Institute in California.

Now I am privileged to help others harness their body’s natural ability to renew, restore and repair itself as they find relief from chronic pain, gain more satisfaction in personal/work/family relationships, and make meaningful changes in their lives!

Website:  www.yourkeytohealing.com

Email:  Elaine@yourkeytohealing.com

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The Healing Power of NO

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Elaine Jeffy

“A dishonest yes is a no to yourself.”

Byron Katie

How many times have you lied to yourself by saying yes when you truly meant no – and why is that one tiny word so hard for many of us to say?

Let’s take a glimpse into this phenomenon:  We evolved to live in cooperative societies, and for most of human history our lives depended on belonging to a group.  Like hunger or thirst, our need for acceptance evolved as a survival mechanism.  Tribe members shared the workload and protected each other from threats.

Belonging was essential.  “This need is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history and has all sorts of consequences for modern psychological processes.” says C. Nathan DeWall, PhD, psychologist, University of Kentucky.

In fact, scientists have found that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain (Science, 2003).

In today’s world, when we choose to say yes when we really want to say no, we are engaging in needless mental and emotional conflict. 

This inborn fear of rejection may keep us stuck in subtle self -sabotaging patterns that can interfere with our body’s natural healing mechanisms.

Instead of keeping us safe, the need for approval can actually threaten our health and well-being.

We fear rejection, and the body’s stress response becomes activated leading to elevated blood pressure and heart rate, increased muscle tension and compromised immune function-which over time often lead to chronic illness and pain.

To heal, or become whole,
we must cultivate self- kindness.

About twenty years ago I realized that I was totally invested in the practice of making excuses instead of just saying no. I would always find some half-baked (albeit plausible) story to explain why I “couldn’t” attend a function or serve on a committee, etc. etc.  I was unwilling to risk losing the approval of people I barely knew – and why did I even believe I would be rejected?

I took a slip of paper and wrote “I am tired of making excuses for what I say and do” and kept it in my wallet for years.  This act revealed my budding awareness of how my choices were really out of alignment with my own truth.

Little did I know that this subtle form of self- betrayal was feeding an escalating war within myself culminating in years of chronic pain and anxiety.

I finally learned to lower my unrealistic expectations for myself and others; my body began to relax, relationships become easier, and I experienced greater safety and trust in all areas of life.

When we practice saying no from the place of self- kindness and acceptance, we promote our natural tendencies to heal.

Stay true to yourself.  Say yes to yourself.

Experience the healing power of NO!

Elaine Jeffy

I was trapped in a life of chronic pain and anxiety until I learned that I was not a victim – I was just disconnected from myself and my innate power to heal.

After decades of failed treatments and finally surgery, I discovered the mind-body approach to healing, and it transformed every area of my life!   I was led to become a coach as I yearned to help others unlock their truth and claim their own healing power.  I am a certified Martha Beck Life Coach, Anamsong Endorsed Mind-Body Coach and certified by the Whole Health Medicine Institute in California.

Now I am privileged to help others harness their body’s natural ability to renew, restore and repair itself as they find relief from chronic pain, gain more satisfaction in personal/work/family relationships, and make meaningful changes in their lives!

Website:  www.yourkeytohealing.com

Email:  Elaine@yourkeytohealing.com

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You’ve Got To Feel To Heal

by Endorsed Coach, Meryl Feldman Dr. John Sarno revolutionized the medical field with his radical approaches to healing back pain and other physical ailments.  He coined the term TMS, tension myostitis syndrome, to describe a circulatory constriction in blood vessels that results in pain in the body.  This is also know as Mind-body syndrome. To […]

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Dr. Sarno

Legacy of a Legend – Dr. John Sarno

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Elaine Jeffy In late 2011 I felt totally lost and discouraged.  It was one year after back surgery, and my agonizing pain and sciatica were raging out of control. My neurosurgeon prescribed physical therapy for pain of “unknown origin.” After all, the surgery had corrected the structural issues that had “caused” my […]

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