I was in a high-stress situation, in a private room with a person who was there to listen, and it was a perfectly acceptable moment to have a feeling, culturally speaking.

Tears were welling up in my eyes and my body refused to keep them inside. It was as necessary to feel those feelings as it was to breathe.

And yet, there I was, apologizing for crying.

Even after years of coaching others to help them allow their emotions to exist.

Then, this morning, I read an article about a holocaust survivor who, while giving a talk about the holocaust and her experience, became emotional. In her talk, she, too, apologized for “being emotional.”

Here’s the thing, folks. Of all the humans who should be allowed to cry, wail, scream, yell, or do whatever they need at any moment, a holocaust survivor would be first on the list.

Seriously. After surviving the unimaginable, unspeakable horrors of a concentration camp, one should be given a free pass to express emotions and be held by humanity with acceptance and understanding.

This apology we give for sharing emotions often feels necessary. It protects us from a terribly vulnerable experience; feeling an emotion in an empathy vacuum. It makes us feel safer, because we don’t know if the other person will be uncomfortable, will not know what to do or say, or won’t hear us.

This is the culture we live in, and I sometimes find it untenable. Why should we have to pretend we’re fine when we’re not fine? Why is it seen as weak to have emotions and strong to “suck it up” and appear fine?

In reality, it’s exactly the opposite. It takes strength to face and feel discomfort. It takes strength to be open. It takes strength to trust your body’s process and let the tears flow.

Emotions are beautiful, powerful energies that flow naturally within us. Empathy is the safe container that holds the space for those energies to exist.

If we let ourselves feel what we feel and are able to be present with others when they feel, too, an amazing connection is born. It’s a connection to spirit, to our bodies, to each other, and to the wisdom that emotions bring with them.

Today, I hope you can feel whatever you need to feel, and that you can give yourself the empathy you require in the moment, even if no one around you is doing so. Sometimes, that’s the best we can do.

Yesterday, the person I was with validated my tears and said kind, understanding words. For that, I am grateful, because it’s not always the case. And from now on, I’m not going to apologize for tears, even if the old habit tries to sneak its way back in. Want to join me?

“The notion that a human being should be constantly happy is a uniquely modern, uniquely American, uniquely destructive idea.”  Dr. Andrew Weil

Flashback to the time my high school aged son asked me: “Mom, where’s your great big smile?”  Daniel had noticed the absence of the ever- present smile that had earned me the nickname “smiley” for much of my life.

So what was going on? Was I grieving a loss, disappointed in my life situation or….. just in a funk?  The answer was NO!  I was finally waking up from the lie I had unknowingly been living for so long – the lie that kept me locked in a frozen state of sham “happiness.”

I was a master at disconnecting from my own truth. For decades my smile had served as a mask protecting me from the disapproval of others.

I learned as a small child that any expression of “negative” emotional energy like anger, fear or sadness was greeted with dismay by my parents. When I repressed these painful emotions, I felt safe and loved; indeed, my mask served as an effective coping mechanism for decades.

My habit of emotional avoidance kept me frozen in a kind of trance that did not permit emotional health or balance. The more I ignored myself and my uncomfortable emotions, the more my physical health suffered.

Merriam Webster defines happiness as a state of well-being and contentment, joy; a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Synonyms for happiness include cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, exuberance, exhilaration, and elation.

Yes, we all want to experience states of well-being and contentment. Yet, the constant pursuit of states of elation can keep us from allowing and honoring our full range of emotions.

“Unless we can process, navigate and be comfortable with the full range of our emotions, we won’t learn to be resilient… the strong cultural focus on happiness … is actually making us less resilient.”  Susan David, PhD

We are not meant to be happy all of the time, and our efforts to be happy can actually create massive amounts of unconscious tension in our bodies that keep our nervous systems activated and interfere with our innate healing mechanisms.

Many people see themselves as flawed and abnormal because they experience periods of deep sadness, grief, despair, and anger. But humans are designed to experience ALL emotions. We cannot experience the gift of true joy if we don’t honor and accept the darker emotions.

“… it may be normal, healthy, and even productive to experience mild to moderate depression from time to time as part of the variable emotional spectrum….”  Dr. Andrew Weil

When we move from avoiding to allowing emotional energy, it flows through us. Our nervous systems regulate, and we begin to actually enjoy greater health AND more joy and contentment!

A true smile reflects the light and love within us.  As my mask slowly melted, my smile became a barometer of my truth. My life expanded, and my health was transformed.

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, and sometimes your smile is the source of your joy.” Thich Nhat Hanh

And, as always, remember – YOU hold the key to healing!

Elaine Jeffy

I was trapped in a life of chronic pain and anxiety until I learned that I was not a victim – I was just disconnected from myself and my innate power to heal.

After decades of failed treatments and finally surgery, I discovered the mind-body approach to healing, and it transformed every area of my life!   I was led to become a coach as I yearned to help others unlock their truth and claim their own healing power.  I am a certified Martha Beck Life Coach, Anamsong Endorsed Mind-Body Coach and certified by the Whole Health Medicine Institute in California.

Now I am privileged to help others harness their body’s natural ability to renew, restore and repair itself as they find relief from chronic pain, gain more satisfaction in personal/work/family relationships, and make meaningful changes in their lives!

Website:  www.yourkeytohealing.com

Email:  Elaine@yourkeytohealing.com

The disturbing events of the last year have created a wave of gripping visual images that float in and out of my conscious awareness:

Me, at the age of 11, marching for civil rights and singing “We Shall Overcome.”  Me, as a college student, when the slogan “Make Love Not War” saturated our student culture.

My great-grandmother embracing her son, my grandfather, for the last time as she helped him escape the pogroms in his native Poland.  He was hidden in a laundry cart so he could go unnoticed on his way to board a ship to America, the land of the free.  (Pogroms: a series of organized massacres targeting Jewish communities)

My children’s paternal great-grandparents who perished in concentration camps.

And finally….. the image of a grotesque, gaping wound flooded my awareness – the wound of racism, bigotry, violence and hatred that I struggled to hide for much of my adult life – the heartbreak which was just too much to bear.  

This led to the realization that I MUST see, hear and feel this wound.

My recovery from chronic emotional and physical pain occurred when I moved toward my discomfort and allowed it.

I now know that the only way to transform pain is to allow it, hear it, and honor its message.

Our society trains us to bypass emotional pain and to apply the “band-aide method” to much of our lives.  How often are we encouraged to “just get over it,” or “smile when our hearts are breaking”?

I learned early on, as many women do, that smiling was an effective tool to protect me from social disapproval and to diffuse potentially uncomfortable confrontations with friends and family members.  My smile became a mask and a habit that served to totally disconnect me from myself and from others.

I am grateful to my body for finally “speaking up” with an abundance of painful symptoms resulting in diagnoses ranging from psoriatic arthritis and trigger finger to spinal stenosis, piriformis syndrome and sciatica.

My screaming body certainly got my attention, but it took decades for me to truly acknowledge the fire that was burning within. I spent years simply trying to turn off the fire alarm with medication and treatments that did not help me.

My deep dive into the flames paved the road to healing.

Right now, our country is hurting. We may be experiencing confusion with surges of emotional energy we have never learned to navigate. Whether we want to lash out or hide, we owe it to ourselves to practice self-kindness and compassionate self-reflection throughout this voyage.

It is challenging to honor the anguish we feel in response to despicable and disturbing events, but our pain will eventually guide us to the actions that will lead to healing.

Again and again, in spite of my natural desire to avoid and ignore discomfort; I find myself plunging back into its depths.  Only then can the healing begin.

When we expose the throbbing heart of this wound, our truth will rise up to guide us.

It is time for all of us to break out of our comfort zones.  Let’s face the truth together and compassionately Let It Hurt.

Elaine Jeffy

I was trapped in a life of chronic pain and anxiety until I learned that I was not a victim – I was just disconnected from myself and my innate power to heal.

After decades of failed treatments and finally surgery, I discovered the mind-body approach to healing, and it transformed every area of my life!   I was led to become a coach as I yearned to help others unlock their truth and claim their own healing power.  I am a certified Martha Beck Life Coach, Anamsong Endorsed Mind-Body Coach and certified by the Whole Health Medicine Institute in California.

Now I am privileged to help others harness their body’s natural ability to renew, restore and repair itself as they find relief from chronic pain, gain more satisfaction in personal/work/family relationships, and make meaningful changes in their lives!

Website:  www.yourkeytohealing.com

Email:  Elaine@yourkeytohealing.com

One of the most powerful keys to healing from chronic pain, anxiety, or loss is allowing, honoring and accepting our full range of emotions.  We live in a society that relies on intellect at the expense of feelings.

The dark or commonly called “negative” emotions of sadness, fear, grief, and despair are not honored or viewed as socially acceptable; and yet these essential and powerful emotions carry compelling energies that lead to deep healing and transformation.

Emotions are energy – they are NOT positive or negative.  It is our thoughts and attitudes about emotions that cause us to label them as good or bad.  Free flowing emotions are like the weather – they come and go.

When we hide or banish these uncomfortable painful feelings from our conscious awareness, they remain stored within us and often manifest as chronic physical pain, anxiety and/or depression.

“The dark emotions are attention-grabbers, goading us into awareness. They’re like young children: If you attend to them they reward you. If you don’t, prepare for trouble. They have their ways of letting you know they need your attention.”  Healing Through the Dark Emotions, by Miriam Greenspan

My body tried to get my attention for decades. I suffered from a multitude of chronic painful conditions – severe spinal stenosis, scoliosis, sciatica, bulging and degenerated discs, degenerative knee issues, psoriatic arthritis, severe osteoarthritis, generalized anxiety disorder, foot pain, acid reflux, carpal tunnel syndrome, trigger finger and thumb, repetitive strain/stress injury, thoracic outlet syndrome, piriformis syndrome, tendonitis, etc.

My life was totally out of balance. I said yes when I meant no. I continuously suppressed my emotions. I had totally unrealistic expectations for myself and others while ignoring myself and my own needs. I was a slave to self-pressure – constantly pushing myself to do more, be more, work more, try harder. The way I was living my life led to severe unconscious muscle tension producing intense emotional and physical pain.

After exhausting traditional and alternative treatments without relief, I underwent back surgery. One year after surgery my symptoms were worse than ever.

I finally learned that, for me, healing is an inside job. I opened my mind and my heart as I examined my life and claimed my healing power – a power that is available to each of us.

When I learned to honor and allow emotional energy to exist in my body, I was free to heal.

“We begin to see the dark emotions as messengers, information-bearers and teachers, rather than “negative” energies we must subdue, tame or deny. We tend to think of our “negative” emotions as signs that there’s something wrong with us. But the deepest significance of the feelings is simply our shared human vulnerability. When we know this deeply, we begin to heal in a way that connects rather than separates us from the world.” Miriam Greenspan

So how do we honor and experience the emotions that our culture has taught us to ignore?  The very thought of allowing these painful feelings often evokes great fear within us. 

Here are some action steps to facilitate emotional awareness:

• Bring your awareness to your body and your physical sensations. What do you notice in your throat, chest, abdomen, etc? Notice sensations of hot, cold, heavy, light, etc. and allow your breath to support you as you allow all sensations.
• Simply turn your attention toward any emotional sensations you are experiencing right now. Just focus on the experience of the emotion itself allowing the physical sensations to be present without trying to figure them out or change them.
• Remain with this emotional energy until it begins to shift or until you choose to stop. As little as a minute or two is fine. Uncomfortable feelings of worry, fear, sadness, and anger will not harm us and will pass.
• Offer comfort and care to yourself with a compassionate message: Place your hand on your heart and say “It’s okay right now, I am safe,” or other words of kindness.

These simple practices facilitate healing. They reduce tension and resistance while boosting relaxation and activating our body’s natural self-repair mechanisms. They also help to keep us grounded in the present moment.

I encourage you to acknowledge, allow and accept these sacred feelings which will enable them to flow and transform – after all –

“There is nothing so whole as a broken heart.”

                             Rabbi Menachem Mendel

Elaine Jeffy

I was trapped in a life of chronic pain and anxiety until I learned that I was not a victim – I was just disconnected from myself and my innate power to heal.

After decades of failed treatments and finally surgery, I discovered the mind-body approach to healing, and it transformed every area of my life!   I was led to become a coach as I yearned to help others unlock their truth and claim their own healing power.  I am a certified Martha Beck Life Coach, Anamsong Endorsed Mind-Body Coach and certified by the Whole Health Medicine Institute in California.

Now I am privileged to help others harness their body’s natural ability to renew, restore and repair itself as they find relief from chronic pain, gain more satisfaction in personal/work/family relationships, and make meaningful changes in their lives!

Website:  www.yourkeytohealing.com

Email:  Elaine@yourkeytohealing.com

Ever wake up with a ‘sudden’ bout of back pain?  Or even neck, foot or anywhere pain? You went to bed, feeling just fine, no injuries that you can think of, but the next morning, it hurts to move?

I had this happen recently. I went to sleep feeling fine and the next morning, my shoulder blade felt like a stick was lodged in it. Very uncomfortable to say the least.

When this used to happen, I would completely panic. How would I get my kids off to school? How would I get my to-do list even partly started? What doctor, pill or healer could I run to to get relief?

But guess what? This time, I became the healer that I ‘ran’ to and gave myself the relief I needed.

With this shoulder blade pain, I did panic for a moment, but then I quickly readjusted and directed my mind to healing.

‘My mind to healing’, you may ask? What has body pain got anything to do with the mind? Isn’t it a body thing?

Yes and no.

Dr. John Sarno, a well known back physician and author of ‘The Mind -Body Prescription’, has claimed for years that many body pains are caused by the brain, not the body. Yes, there is real pain and it hurts – but it’s a trick that your brain is playing on you and it is within YOUR POWER to get relief.

His theory is that the brain is afraid to deal with emotions. In an effort to suppress them, it cuts off oxygen to certain body parts which results in pain and distracts you from dealing with your feelings. Instead, the pain is so uncomfortable that all your energy gets focused on getting rid of it and that gets you running to doctors, chiropractors, massage therapists for relief.

Please don’t get me wrong. All these healers are wonderful and they may help you get temporary relief for a day or two, maybe a month or two even.

But this pain will most likely return – maybe not in the same form, but it will return if the true source of the pain isn’t recognized. One month it may be your lower back, the next month your upper back. Or plantar fascitis. Or headaches. The pain will jump around and not in a logical order.

So what is the true source of the pain?

It’s the suppression of your emotional world.

Emotions are ‘energy in motion’ in your body and they are trying to communicate messages to you.  Dr. Sarno’s theory is that our mind is too afraid (subconsciously, of course) to look at these messages.

Why is the mind so afraid of us looking at our emotions?

Because our emotions communicate to us how we’re feeling – whether we are sad, angry, embarrassed, scared and even happy.

And when you pay attention to these feelings,  you may come to the conclusion that changes have to be made.  A relationship may have to be scrutinized, a thought or behavior pattern of yours may need to be shifted or a situation, like a job, may have to be let go.

The primitive part of the brain is just too scared of change. It reacts with panic – “oh, no, not change!”

So what can be done? Who wants to continue to live with pain?

I don’t that’s for sure. When I finally decided to entertain that Dr. Sarno’s theory could even possibly be true, I had to get real brave and look at my emotional world.

And guess what? It wasn’t as scary as I thought. Yes, sometimes it did require changes, but those changes were good for me and I’m much happier for them. Operating in the world from a place of ‘fear of change’  just didn’t serve my health nor my highest good.

Over time and practice, I have, thank G-d, accessed more and more of the healer within me.

Do I still go to doctors, physical therapists, get massages? For sure. But certainly not as much as I used to and not for the same reasons as before.

If I do go to these specialists, it’s more to get check ups or to get a greater understanding of some part of my body. If I go to a chiropractor or massage therapist it’s because it feels good for my body to get the treatment.  I also use discernment to establish if something is serious and needs medical attention or the assistance of a specialist.

On a daily basis, I try to keep in mind that whatever is presenting itself physically to me may be the result of an emotion needing to be processed, an unhelpful subconscious thought needing to be heard or a behavior pattern, relationship or situation needing to be adjusted.

So, how did I access the healer in me when my shoulder was in pain?

I first panicked. Just for a moment. Yes, there was pain and my first reaction to pain is alarm.  I allowed that moment and also searched my memory for an injury. The pain was manageable, but if it had really hurt, I would have taken an ibuprofin because I dislike being uncomfortable. This shoulder pain felt manageable.

Then I took a few moments to check in with my body and emotional world. I closed my eyes, and noticed what other physical sensations I had in my body BESIDES the shoulder pain. I also searched my mind for an uncomfortable situation that may have taken place the day before that I had ignored. By taking a little time to go within, I recognized the situation and noticed that my chest was tight and my jaw clenched.

I placed my attention on those sensations for less than a minute. Some thoughts came to mind around a circumstance that I had not dealt with. I like to journal so I wrote down a few things and took recognition of some very unhelpful thoughts around the circumstance. In this case there wasn’t any action that I needed to take, just a noticing of a particular incident that had brought up some fearful thoughts. And then I took a few deep breaths.

Voila! My brain got the message that I was willing to look at my emotions. No need to cut off oxygen to my shoulder and cause pain and distraction. No need for that tension to be in my body.

Did the shoulder blade pain go away?

Not right away, but it did lessen.  And I had faith that it would disappear because I’ve done this before. I even went to exercise class because I knew that the true source of the pain was coming from my brain and not coming from an injury or physical disability.

I had accessed the healer in me.

Want to try?

You don’t have to wait till you’re in pain.

Doing these steps a few times a day can help you access the healer within:

1. Communicate to your brain: Let your brain know that it no longer has permission to cut off oxygen anywhere in your body and cause you distracting pain. I do this by telling my brain ‘I’m willing to feel all my emotions.’
2. Notice physical sensations: Check in a few times a day to notice the physical sensations in your body. At first you may want to close your eyes to concentrate.

What do you notice? Is your jaw clenched, shoulder’s hunched, mind buzzed, breath held, stomach knotted? All these are physical sensations are expressing an emotional energy in your body. You may even hear a word come into your mind -’angry,’ ‘sad’, ‘disappointed.’ But the word isn’t as important as putting your attention on the sensation itself. When you notice the sensation, just stay with your mind on it for a few seconds. Allowance and acceptance are key.

3. Breath: After noticing, allowing and accepting the stomach ache, the tight shoulders, the clenched jaw, take a deep breath and release. Perhaps journal what thoughts you’re noticing or if a recognition came to mind regarding the circumstances surrounding the physical sensation.

Even if it’s a lightness in your being – that could be joy, and recognize what circumstance is bringing you joy.

Some other resources that are terrific in becoming acquainted with these ideas are:

Dr. Sarno’s DVD “Healing Back Pain, The Mindbody Prescription”

Dr. Schubiner “Unlearn Your Pain”

Dr. Peter Levine “Trauma Proofing Your Kids” ; “The Unspoken Voice”

You have a healer in you.

Meryl Feldman is an Intuitive Wisdom coach who guides women in aligning with their soul self, empowering them to make clear, confident decisions in their life. For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com.

For years I was in denial.

I refused to see any behavior in my family that might be interpreted as bad or abusive even in the slightest degree. 

This was my family!

My parents worked hard to keep all five of us children fed, clothed and educated. They were good people.

The other reason for the denial might have been that, as a child, I had no idea how things should be ideally. Weren’t all kids in the same situation? Many of my friends sure were. Wasn’t every child afraid of her father’s anger if she did something wrong?

If someone asked me if I had a happy childhood, my answer was “I’m sure I did. I was good in school.”

Later, that kind of reasoning moved past my family to apply to conditions of living in the community, in the country. I became desensitized to abuse, violence and even war.

I saw difficult situations as just part of normal life, why talk about them? Why make a big deal?

I can definitely see how these experiences helped me grow resilience in the face of future traumas, but they left unconscious scars also. Only after acknowledging the source of my scars could my wounds start to heal.

As an adult, I used to wonder why I kept repeating patterns of behavior that weren’t helpful to me at all.

I used to go out of my way to please people – people I didn’t even like that much. (Still do sometimes.)

I used to be afraid to speak my mind when I didn’t like the way I was being treated, afraid to rock the boat.

Or the other extreme — I used to lose my temper and yell because the only way I knew how to get someone to listen to me was to scream at them.

I used to find comfort in food, overworking, over-giving, and over-reading, as ways of numbing myself. (Still do sometimes.)

Things changed when I remembered and acknowledged some of those difficult situations in my life.

It started with a simple trigger. I was looking through some old family photos my sister had collected lovingly and saved to a disc. There were pictures I’d never seen, especially from the early period of my parents’ marriage. It was obvious that as they had more children, their time to photograph them had decreased.

But there were a few family pictures with me in them and these released pain I’d long since buried. Memories came rushing in and I was shocked to find myself sobbing uncontrollably on and off for days.

I was finally feeling the emotional pain of some of my past experiences in my body instead of suppressing them as normal difficulties of life.

One of the earliest memories was from the time when I was a month shy of three years old. My twin sisters had just been born. Mom had complications and had to care for two newborns. My older siblings were in school or self sufficient, but I was still in need of total supervision. So mom’s aunt Rosa took me to her house for a while.

My memories are of following Rosa nana around, or just being by myself in her living room. I remember walking around that room touching sofa, chair, sofa, and chair. I might have been talking to imaginary people to entertain myself.

Rosa nana was kind and I know I loved her.

But how could this three year old understand why she wasn’t with her mama anymore? Could this have been traumatic to her? Did she feel lost?

Much later, mom told me that as a child I used to sit at the edge of a chair and rock back and forth, a habit I had kept into adulthood whenever I felt stressed. Did it start when I was three? Had I developed a way to soothe myself?

We tend to understand trauma only in terms of war, major accidents, rape or physical abuse. But it is much broader than that.

Trauma is actually any experience that overwhelms you.

It’s anything that’s too much, too soon, too fast for our nervous system to handle, especially when a successful resolution can’t be reached.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading researcher in the field of trauma puts it, “trauma is fundamentally a disruption in our ability to be in the here and now.”

Have you ever wondered, like I did, why you repeat behaviors that you know aren’t helpful to you or others? Why you suffer from chronic pain or anxiety or why certain situations make you extra sensitive?

Maybe you also have unacknowledged painful experiences in your life.

You don’t have to go back and dig around to find the old trauma. But just acknowledging the ones that you remember instead of denying their existence makes a huge difference in healing and moving forward.

Continuing to suppress emotions around those events is not the way to heal the wounds. There’s a difference between knowing something happened to you (remembering it intellectually) and somatically feeling your emotions about those same experiences.   If you stay stuck in your head, you’ll tend to try to rationalize or make excuses about what happened. This is your mind trying to protect you from feeling the pain.

Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions in your body, feel the pain as sensations. Sit silently with them, what do you sense? Is there tightness in your chest, choking feeling in your throat, butterflies in your stomach, or a heavy weight on your shoulders?

Talk to your emotions and pain. Yes, talk to them. What are they trying to tell you? What is the message they want you to hear?

Allowing the pain to be there and tending to it like a friend will help it flow out and complete the circle to heal the trauma.

In my case, I spent some time looking back. I sat at the edge of a chair and rocked back and forth feeling the pressure of the pain of that sudden loss of mom, in my chest.  The sadness felt like a heavy rock on my heart.

I held the 3-year old me close until she relaxed into the belief that she’s not going to be taken away, that I will always be here with her. The rock on my heart grew softer and softer until it melted and poured out of my eyes and the three year old completely relaxed.

I still don’t remember as much as I wish I did, but I’m filled with love, understanding, forgiveness and compassion for my parents, my siblings and me. This isn’t the mental thought of “I love my family.” It’s the gut level love felt in my entire body.

I finally understood that my big fear in life has been not being important enough, not being loved, being abandoned or left behind.

That fear has been the reason for the unhelpful behaviors, my drive to look for ways to soothe the pain or make sure I was loved at any cost.

I remember as a preteen asking my mom if I was the neighbor’s daughter. And later in life saying things like “I must be invisible,” “I must be nobody.”

My newly released feelings were telling me where this came from and why I didn’t need to be afraid anymore. They taught me I could be the one to love myself, to put me first, and to communicate my needs much better.

Look back into your life to see if there were times of trauma or extreme overwhelm. Allow yourself to feel those emotions around the event. Where are they in your body? Offer love, kindness, and support to the parts of you wounded by these events.

Don’t resist them, befriend them and ask for the messages they bring to you. They have the power to heal old wounds and bring more balance to your life.

When you understand yourself, it becomes easier to see when your old fears are surfacing and reassure yourself that that was then and this is now.

You can be on your own side. You have agency to act on your behalf.

If you need help with this, reach out to me on my website. Ledaasmar.com

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: leda@ledaasmar.com

Anger is healthy but can be unhealthy when it goes into the unconscious and creates pain. Women find it especially challenging to have a healthy relationship with anger.  As girls we are taught that we aren’t supposed to be angry we need to be nice and cooperative.  But without anger we are handicapped.  Anger helps us to keep good boundaries.  When we don’t allow or acknowledge or are unconscious about our anger it comes out in unexpected ways such as mind-body syndrome pain which chronic pelvic pain, vulvodynia, and IC are included in.  The pain is created by the unconscious mind to keep our attention off the anger or other uncomfortable emotions, which we have been conditioned to perceive as very dangerous, and to stay focused on the pain instead.

Anger Goes Unconscious

The classic explanation for mind-body syndrome pain is that rage has gone into the unconscious and the pain serves as a distraction from it.  When the rage and/or anger are brought into consciousness, the pain no longer has a purpose and we experience pain relief.  Most people who are new to the mind-body approach to pain relief, especially women, will claim that they are not angry people and they cannot even relate to the concept that rage is underlying their pain.  The neurological pathway to avoid being conscious of anger or the more intense rage is so strong and ingrained (myelinated) that we cannot even conceive of having these emotions.  It is so completely in the shadow of our minds.

Unconscious Rage

I am guilty of not believing that I had a problem with anger and didn’t believe that I was capable of having rage when I was first introduced to Dr. John Sarno’s explanation of mind-body pain.  It has taken me 6 years to truly accept and believe this concept. Sarno says that it’s the repression of unconscious rage that creates the pain to distract the conscious mind from acknowledging the rage.  In order not to feel the physical sensations of the rage the muscles have to tense which causes mild oxygen deprivation to muscles and nerves which result in pain or other symptoms such as anxiety or skin rashes or digestive upset.  The conditioned (habit) neurological pathway can be broken when we become conscious of our rage and/or allow ourselves to have the emotion and feel it as physical sensations in the body.  Once the emotion has been brought into consciousness, the purpose of the pain to distract from feeling this is gone and there’s no need for the pain and it fades away.  Yes, it’s a simple as that, and yes, it can be very tricky to break these old ingrained unconscious habits of being.

Anger Explored

In the beginning of my mind-body healing journey I realized I didn’t know how to feel anger appropriately.  Most of the time I suppressed it and then sometimes I got out of control with it, especially with my family.  I went through an exploration of what anger felt like as physical sensations in my body, then practiced allowing myself to express my anger without getting out of control or hurting anyone else or damaging my relationships.  It was a little messy at first.  I remember throwing a corncob into the sink in a disagreement with my husband.  Later I learned to feel my anger in my body without throwing things and to also be able be okay with being angry.  Now when I feel angry I feel it in my body as physical sensation, then after it rises and falls I sense what action needs to be taken.  It’s best to take action after the wave of emotion falls so I can consciously choose how to speak or convey my truth in a kind and compassionate way.

Anger Gets Skillful

In practicing feeling anger I learned what worked and what didn’t.  It definitely included failures and noticing what I liked and didn’t like.  When my daughter was a teenager in high school one night she wasn’t yet home well after her curfew.  I finally called her on her cell phone she told me she was on her way home.  I met her at the door and spoke to her about why I was angry while I was still quite angry.  I remember how dry my mouth felt.  I remember noticing that this behavior of mine with anger did not feel effective and didn’t make me feel any better.  I apologized to my daughter the next day about my behavior at the door and I decided I wasn’t going to do anger again that way.  When my son later challenged me in this way I did it differently.  I allowed myself to feel the anger, but I waited until the next day to have a civil conversation about his behavior and how I wanted it to change.  I became a more tolerant and forgiving parent as well.  I just wanted to be sure my kids were safe and they were good about answering their phone when I called them in a panic late at night to check up on them.

My Inner 3-Year-Old Knows Rage

In mind-body healing I’ve also interpreted Sarno’s “rage and other emotions” in a broader way.  It’s any uncomfortable emotion that we have an unconscious habit of not feeling.  I’m also softening around my resistance to rage.  I really can relate to the concept that I still have an inner 3-year-old who can easily go into tantrum when I don’t get my way.  Sarno related the inner raging child self as Sigmund Freud’s Id.  The nervous system still has the programming (neurological pathways) that was set when we were 2 or 3 year olds still learning to be in our bodies and with our emotions.  We were probably rejected by our parents and other care givers when we had tantrums.  Tantrums were not allowed.  So they went into unconscious rage.  I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old I was so mad about something that I ripped the pages out of a picture book.  I knew it was bad to rip books up but I was so mad I did it anyway.  I don’t remember what I was mad about.  But I can remember that feeling of rage in my body which I obviously later learned to suppress.  I now know how to feel my rage even when it’s illogical, as 3 year olds often are.  I still get to feel it and then get a sense of my truth and whether I need to communicate it or not and if so how.

Dissolving Pain

When my old mind-body symptoms come up now I tell them I’m onto them.  I know there’s nothing wrong with me.  I allow the sensation to be there as I focus on my emotional life instead, bringing any emotions I might have unconsciously not felt into consciousness and also feel the sensations of them in my body.  Now I get to have my emotions in a skillful way even when they are illogical, childish or selfish.  I get to work through them and find my truth, rather than reject them.  Then I take action from my adult self in a kind and considerate way without abandoning myself.

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

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How often do you stay in your head, ruminating, looking for an answer to a problem or even just overthinking a situation?

I did this quite often – staying up in my head which wasn’t giving me the healing or information that I needed. As a Mind-body coach, I knew that I needed to drop into my body and allow for emotional energy flow. I knew that I needed to put my attention on the physical sensations in my body – that clenched jaw, that funny feeling in my tummy, that tightness in my chest. My body is where my emotions were housed, but I couldn’t necessarily remember to drop into my body – it wasn’t my habit.

Until I got an intuitive phrase that now reminds me to leave my head and focus on my body’s physical feeling of my emotions.

I call it  “let it flow, Babe!”

A great example of this is my Rat story.   Ugh, blech – even the mere mention of that creature makes me cringe.  And what an amazing lesson was brought to me through this little animal.

I was walking home one night and I heard a squeak and rustle in the bushes next to me.  I turned my head and lo and behold it was a rat.  I squealed, jumped and hurried away.

My mind was racing with the image of the rat and I couldn’t stop cringing and thinking “ooh, ugh, ooh, ugh, how gross.

And then I heard the words “let it flow, Babe!”

Oh, yeah – my body – I’ve got to get in my body.

So, as I continued to walk, I put my awareness on my body – on the physical sensations that were going on in there.

I noticed all kinds of swirling in my chest and abdomen, a felt sense of alarm.  I  continued to walk and keep my attention on this.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “such an intense commotion happening in my body.” I reminded myself that I was safe in feeling this intensity.

And that was it.

By the time I got to my house, a few minutes later, my mind was on other things.  I totally had forgotten about the rat.

Wow – what a lesson that was for me and I hope for you as well.  I used my mind, not as a tool to figure out what I was feeling when I saw the rat – disgust, heebie- jeebies etc. , but as an instrument to turn inwards and notice the physical sensations that were coming up for me.

With the attention on those, the emotional energy dissipated and so did the sense of alarm.  The energy didn’t get stuck in my body.  By the time I stepped into my house, my body felt calm and my mind ready to engage in interacting with my family.

I’ll end here with some words of gratitude to the rat – thank you for presenting me with the opportunity to “let it flow!”

Meryl Feldman is an endorsed Mind-body coach, as well as certified Martha Beck coach, who specializes in personal coaching for women seeking greater health and joy in their ever-changing lives. She helps her clients tap into their own abundant source of healing capabilities and intuitive wisdom to create a life filled with clarity and vitality. She offers unique programs for relationship issues, back pain relief and freeing women of chronic health issues (including UTIs). For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation and welcomes all inquiries.

On Monday, the first day of my 13 year old son’s vacation, he woke up in terrible pain from a stiff neck. He couldn’t get up or move his head in any direction. As a sensitive child, he cried long and loudly from the pain and the frustration of being stuck in this very awkward position.

As a mom, my first reaction was complete internal panic as I tried calmly (outwardly) to access the situation in order to make sure we didn’t have an emergency on our hands. No fever and no injury quickly indicated to me that it was ‘just a stiff neck.’ Painful, awkward, but did not necessitate a rush to the doctor.

“Now what?” I asked myself. “How do I help get my son pain relief and get him up and running as quickly as possible so that he can enjoy his vacation?”

He goes to an out­ of­ town school (common practice in my Jewish Chassidic community) and this time at home is very precious to him because he loves to spend time with local friends and his very active siblings.

After having him take some deep belly breaths, getting him some ibuprofin and letting him cry it out for a bit, I asked him if anything was bothering him recently. Through his sniffling, he asked me what I meant.

“Well, did anything happen recently with your friends that made you angry or sad?” I asked. “Mom, this is about my neck, not my feelings.” he responded with exasperation.

“Often times our bodies will be giving us a message when there is pain. There are some emotions that need to be addressed. Perhaps something is bothering you in one of your relationships or maybe you’re worried about something?” I said.

And with that opening, he proceeded to share that two days before, his friends had been jumping on our trampoline and though he kept telling them to calm down, they ignored him. In fact one of them put a hole in the new net. He was worried that when his father would see it that he would be angry.

He also wanted some alone time to play with his brothers, but his friends always just walked into the house and pushed past him at the door even when he said that he didn’t want to play. He complained that they don’t listen to him. He also rationalized to me that it wouldn’t be nice of him to ask them to leave.

Bingo!

Anger, sadness, frustration over being ignored, powerlessness, guilt ­ a whole host of emotions were swirling in his body wanting to be heard.

As a Mind-­Body coach, trained oh­ so ­well by Abigail, including Dr.Sarno’s philosophy of suppressed emotions lead to pain, I knew that tapping into this spring of emotions was exactly what would get my son relief and on his feet again.

I started by having him breathe deeply into his abdomen, pretending that he was filling up a helium balloon in his tummy and then releasing the air out on the exhale. This helped him to relax his body a bit.

Then I had him notice what physical sensation he noticed when he thought back to the scene of his friends ignoring him. With some gentle prompting, we labelled it anger, frustration and powerlessness.

It was difficult for him to understand what ‘koo­koo ‘ mom was talking about, but he played along. He noticed ‘something’ in his belly. I had him keep his attention on his stomach for a ½ a minute. Then I asked him to ‘become’ his stomach and to give me three adjectives to describe himself as his stomach. This is a metaphor/imagination tool, and though he balked, he played along.

After giving me three adjectives, I had him take another deep breath and asked him to ask himself if there is anything that he “needs to know?” He shared with me what came up for him. I told him that this was a message that his body and emotions were sharing with him and that we could be confident that as we kept listening to what they wanted to tell him, that his neck would get better, perhaps not that day, but certainly within a day or two. This was comforting to him because he knew of friends who had had stiff necks and it had taken them a full week to feel better. He wanted to be goofing around on the trampoline and flying his drone with his brothers and he didn’t want to be out of the action for that long.

We continued on to notice other physical sensations and play the metaphor/imagination game. We ‘spoke’ to his neck and stomach, we listened to his anger, his sadness and his fear. This was a process we did throughout the day as he rested, cried, took ibuprofen and put a heating pad on his neck.

Though we addressed the pain and the physicality of the stiff neck, I made sure to emphasize to him that we were allowing for all his emotions and hearing whatever messages that they wanted to share with us. I spoke about how important it is to honor our feelings and to set boundaries with people. I also said that it’s not healthy to tell ourselves that ‘it’s not nice to …..” Being kind to others is important, but if someone ignores what you are asking them to do or not do, then we need to be assertive and let our needs be known. I shared that even if that feels uncomfortable to him, that we will work on that together.  I told him that I will help him be assertive and speak to his friends and that the most important thing for him is to notice and be honest with himself when he is feeling angry, including when he feels that towards me.

He slept great that night with much more flexibility in his neck. The next day, he felt better, though still in pain and we continued the emotional processing and physical care. By day three, the stiff neck was completely gone and he was his happy, rambunctious teenage self, able to goof around with his siblings.

Whoo ­ hoo!

With his friends, we added on some rules and addressed with them the things that had been bothering my son.

So many lessons were learnt from this, for my son and for me as well. I really saw the power of recognizing Mind Body syndrome for what it is and we both recognized how crucial it is to address our emotional inner world.

A few days later, when my son had an unpleasant interaction with his friend, he shared with me immediately what happened and we took the time to address his feelings and body sensations. He said to me “Mom, I don’t want to get another stiff neck. “

As I comforted him, we dove into his body, like Ms. Frizzle’s Magic School Bus, and addressed the REAL source of his pain.

Meryl Feldman is an endorsed Mind-body coach, as well as certified Martha Beck coach, who specializes in personal coaching for women seeking greater health and joy in their ever-changing lives. She helps her clients tap into their own abundant source of healing capabilities and intuitive wisdom to create a life filled with clarity and vitality. She offers unique programs for relationship issues, back pain relief and freeing women of chronic health issues (including UTIs). For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation and welcomes all inquiries.

So, it might seem odd for me to say this: Anger is one of the most healing emotions you can feel.

To feel anger is to be present with the sensations of anger in the body. You might feel heat, sweating, rolling waves of energy, a buzzing in your chest, a thundering in your ears, or, fill in the blank here with whatever you feel in your body! Being with that energy, walking around the block as it flows within you, or sitting still while you allow your awareness to track it is not dangerous to your health.

In fact, it’s the only healthy way to handle any emotion, because there is no other way. You can’t make anger vanish by thinking positive thoughts. You can’t suppress it, because it will simply return or leak out when you least expect it. And, of course, if you do suppress it for a long period of time, your body will start to have chronic tension and eventually pain. Suppressed or unfelt anger causes TMS, (aka Mind Body Syndrome).

Feeling anger is actually essential to your health.

Without feeling anger, you don’t know your own truth. Anger lets us know when we’re not setting clear boundaries, when we’re feeling trampled or invaded, and welcomes us back to our ability to take care of ourselves.
Here’s how you do it:

1. Feel the energy of the anger as sensation in the body. Use your mind to notice what it feels like when anger is present. Walk or move if that makes it easier. Sit still if that makes it easier.
2. Let the anger energy simply exist, and don’t try to make it leave. It will dissolve in its own time when you’re present with it. Just noticing it as a physical sensation in your body allows it to pass.
3. Be open for any insight to arise. Sometimes it may show up immediately, and other times it may take days. Insight may show you where you need to speak up, where you need to create change, where you need to take care of yourself, where you need to own up to something or admit wrongdoing, or more. You’ll know when it arises because you’ll feel clarity.

What isn’t so healthy is the reaction we sometimes have to our own anger. I’ve had many experiences where, instead of feeling the anger energy and simply being present with it, I jumped into reaction. Reaction might look like yelling at someone, stewing for hours in a mind-loop about a situation until steam comes out your ears, physically harming yourself or others, treating others rudely, saying something cutting, or any form of acting out the anger with behavior.

Reaction to our own anger prevents us from actually feeling it.

You could say that our reaction to anger is what causes a negative impact on our bodies, because suppression and behavioral reaction both carry similar consequences; lots of tension, amped up heart rate, and a prolonged fight or flight response in the body.

However, learning to stay with the anger itself instead of suppressing or acting it out is a life’s work. All we can do is practice, and with each experience, get a little bit better at feeling the emotion. Self-judgment around having done it wrong simply makes it harder.

There is no perfection. There is no battle against anger. There’s just the ongoing process of being human, noticing ourselves with self-kindness, and openly welcoming the chance to practice staying, yet again, with the discomfort of emotion.

P.S. Want to learn how to feel emotions and heal your body? (And maybe even to help others?) Take the 2016 Mind-Body Coach Training! Click here for details. Only a week left to register!