Self-Pressure

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Leda Asmar

I knew something was off.

I didn’t feel good. I could sense my mood plummet; my energetic vibrations go lower and lower. I was impatient with people, not able to focus on my work, my creativity was not cooperating with me and I found myself standing in front of the open refrigerator at odd times, or with an empty bag of coconut chips in my hands.

I stopped and asked myself what the matter was but couldn’t figure it out.  It wasn’t sadness, anger, or fear, although I’m sure if I peeled the layers of the discomfort, I’d find fear somewhere in there. But I was too busy to deal with this. I had work to do!  I had only two days left to hand in the remaining two of seven articles I was supposed to write for review by my writing mastermind group.

So I put up with it. Ironically, the more I let the dark cloud stay around, the more darkness it brought in. But I was too busy, right?

Finally, mercifully, the deadline date arrived and I had nothing. I received the reviews on the five articles I had already sent in and as I was reading the suggestions, it suddenly occurred to me that I had done a lot of work during these eight weeks; I had learned and progressed, and I didn’t have to hand in two more! This wasn’t a pass or fail school! Nothing bad was going to happen if I wasn’t able to do them all. I was not going to be punished, or thought less of, or shamed in public.

No one was pressuring me but myself!

Hmm…No one was pressuring me but myself…

As these thoughts moved around in my head, I decided to let go of my expectations of writing the remaining two. I had 12 hours left and it was not happening. It was a quiet, gentle decision, almost a subconscious one. I just knew I wasn’t going to do it, without debating the pros and cons.  I didn’t pay much attention to it.

Half an hour later I got up from my desk to go for a walk and that’s when I realized an immediate shift had happened in my body already. The dark clouds had disappeared. There was lightness to my mood. I felt energetic, ready to tackle whatever else I wanted to do that day.  The difference was physically palpable. A light bulb went on as I asked myself what had changed?  I had simply lifted my own pressure on myself.

This realization might seem to be a small thing, but for me it was huge. How many times I had felt uneasy, tense, impatient, and even sick and in retrospect, it was all due to me putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

As I sat quietly with this out on my bench in the garden, I asked myself why, why am I in such a deep habit of pressuring myself that I’m not even aware I’m doing it.

Many reasons popped out:

I need to achieve more.

What for?

Because I’ll look better?

To whom?

People? My colleagues? My friends? My children? My husband? My long gone parents?

The ones that mattered on that list already know me. People in general don’t even think about me or what makes me look good.

How about myself? Will I look better to myself if I achieve more?

Yes! I’ll look good to the self with the false beliefs that I’ve accumulated over the years since grade school. To look good and feel good I have to achieve more.

Is that true? Who made that rule? My five year old self?

Actually, that belief makes me feel so bad that it leads to just the opposite result- disconnecting from myself and achieving less, as I had demonstrated the last two days.

Do you need to volunteer at your children’s school five days a week so you look like a good parent? Bake cookies, run the publishing center, the newsletter, become PTA president, do fundraisers.. I thought I did.  Pressure.

Do you need to make sure you cook a healthy meal each evening for your family, bake everything from scratch? That makes a good wife and mother. I thought I did. Pressure!

Do you need to answer every call for help from all your friends around the world?  That makes a good friend, right? Pressure.

Do you need to give up your coffee break and lunch break at work, so that you stay on top of things? That’s what makes a good nurse of course? Nah, an exhausted, overworked, burned out nurse… Pressure!

All of the above unkind habits were actually draining me and making me less of who I am. I thought I had already worked on them and had come a long way, until I caught myself in the act again the other day. There are hidden ways we still pressure ourselves.

Where in YOUR life are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself? Look closely.

1. The first step is always kindness. Don’t beat yourself up now for the past.
2. Your clue is any unexplained discomfort. Become present for it. Notice with curiosity, ask, “What is going on NOW?”
3. Actually ask yourself the question: Am I putting pressure on myself in any way?
4. If you are, gently dig deeper. Why? What does it mean if I don’t? Who am I trying to impress?
5. Do some thought work on what you discover. Ask what do I really want and does this help me?
6. Use humor and love.
7. Once you have your answers, you’ll feel a shift in your body and energy.
8. Well done! Go play or take a nap.

Let me know what you find out and what you think about this.

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com
email: [email protected]