How do you believe in yourself when you’re feeling a lot of doubt and fear? In this video, I share my top two tools for outsmarting doubt and fear around any issue. There’s also an easy summary below to help you remember the key points. And, just for fun, you’ll hear a little traditional Irish fiddle if you watch to the end! Enjoy!

The Two Tools for Outsmarting Doubt and Fear:

1. Practice believing in yourself

Just like anything else, believing in yourself takes practice. Really! The brain has a built-in negativity bias (read about that here)  and it takes practice and awareness to steer clear of the inner critic and learn to see yourself with kindness.

Take the time to notice and observe yourself, and each day, recognize one thing about you that shows you can believe in yourself. If you’re in pain and are doubting you can heal, think of a time that you did heal, even if it seems insignificant.

Working on creating something in your life that you’re not sure you can create? Think of a time when you did create something that worked, no matter how small.

Do this simple practice daily and you will build your self-belief muscle and kick doubt and fear to the curb.

2. Learn to trust a bigger wisdom than yourself

When fear and doubt show up, you know your mind has disconnected from your inner wisdom. The key then, is to reconnect. This is a personal process – use whatever helps you connect. Nature. Music. Friendship. Yoga. Meditation.

What do I do to connect? I use all of the above, and I have a process I’ve created that helps me tune in to my body, emotions, and inner wisdom so that I stay pain-free, healthy, and connected to my truth. I call it the KIND Process. If you want to learn more, hop on over to the Kindness Community, where you can learn the KIND Process and get regular support in applying it to your own life.

When you trust a bigger wisdom than your own mind, you realize that you can relax, let go of control, and trust that you’re loved, cared for, and connected to a wisdom that guides you every step of the way. This helps relieve fear and allows you to relax.

Want to learn more ways to outsmart doubt and fear and learn to truly believe in yourself? Join the Kindness Community today and join the classes and discussions this month to get in-depth tools and support! You’ll learn my secret trick for leveraging law of attraction to create health (or other things you desire) by really tweaking this believing in yourself practice.

Here’s what a current member has to say:

“I’m enjoying the Kindness Community on so many levels.  The biggest draw for me was the opportunity to have a place to connect with like-minded individuals trying to navigate mind-body physical and emotional challenges.  I have not been disappointed – the calls, coaching, peer-support, resources and encouragement are exactly what my soul was craving.  AHHHHH.” – Rebecca

Abigail

Now, as an adult, I’d have to narrow down my top two career choices to life coach and spy. I realize that being a spy might be a tad unrealistic. First, I’d have to be able to shoot a gun with accurate aim, something that is not in my skill-set. (Instead, I’d likely harm myself and innocent bystanders.) I’d probably be more like Jonny English than Sydney Bristow  if I was a spy. Second – well, there are numerous reasons the spy lifestyle just isn’t for me.

Recently, I was pondering this seemingly dichotomous pair of interests. I wondered why I have always been so passionate about spying, when it was never something I’d really do. The FBI would probably cringe at the very thought of recruiting me. Then I realized that the essence of what I love about spying is the very essence of coaching. It’s observing other people, noticing, and cataloging information without making judgments.

Even more than that, it’s the very core of what I’ve learned about creating peace in my own life. If I can observe myself, take notes, and study myself without judgment, I can learn about myself. I can take the pressure off and stop constantly trying to change myself. Instead, I can get to know myself.

A good spy has to stay detached as she observes and gathers information. She can’t be emotionally involved with the subjects in her mission, because then she can’t view them objectively.

Being a good spy in your own life requires the same skill. It requires stepping back and observing yourself as though you were watching a complete stranger. All those ideas about how you think you should be, who you think you are, ideas you’ve accumulated about yourself, judgments you’ve long held – they all have to go out the window.

To accomplish this, I pretend I’m a spy looking in on my own life. If you don’t have a passion for spying, you might pretend you are a scientist observing an experiment. That requires the same detachment and non-judgmental observation skills. Whether you’re a spy or a scientist, you’ll be doing the same thing: observing and noting things about yourself, then drawing conclusions, and finally, taking action.

Often, when something isn’t working in our lives, the temptation is to jump straight into action or fix mode. Solve the problem! Do something!

This is skipping an important and essential step: observation and discovery. If you really do look before you leap, you’ll find that you are much more efficient and effective with the action steps you take to improve your life.

For example, let’s say I want to lose weight. The action mode might take me into dieting and starting a new exercise plan. But how do I know if those are really effective for me? How do I know that’s what I actually need? The truth is, I don’t.

First, I need to take some time to observe myself. I need to ask questions like, what is my relationship with food? Do I eat when I’m not hungry? Do I use food to avoid emotions? If so, how? What are the most common triggers for me? Why do I use food to avoid emotions? What am I thinking about when I overeat? Am I overeating for other reasons, like a desire to feel more connected to my body? Am I overeating a food group because I’m not getting enough of another? Am I actually not eating enough during parts of the day? Do I know how to feel emotions? What is driving my dislike for my body? Where am I putting pressure on myself and creating a catch-22, because it makes me overeat? Am I already exercising, but not in the way my body wants?

I could go on and on. There are so many unanswered questions, because I haven’t taken the time to observe, notice, and learn. Instead, I’m making a judgment – I’m overweight. Therefore, I must lose weight. Bam – action. The action may not even remotely fit the need.

Like Harriet the Spy, I still carry around a notebook. I call it my self-observation journal. (I haven’t thought of anything catchier.) In it, I notice things about myself. I keep it simple, and just try to notice emotions, thoughts, body sensations, and needs or desires. I also write down conclusions or things I’ve learned about myself from my observations.

You, too, can keep a notebook, if you want. I find that writing helps me with my observation skills. After doing this for a few years now, I notice that my first step, when I notice a problem, is now to step back and observe, with or without my journal. I’ve created a new habit. I’ve become a better spy in my own life. Which, since the FBI hasn’t called yet, is probably the closest I’ll come to being a kick-ass spy. I’ll take it.

So here’s a deep, dark, confidence secret. SHHHHH. Close the door. Ready?

It’s okay to not feel 100% awesome about yourself, all the time. It’s okay to be where you are, in this moment, feeling whatever you’re feeling. Part of being confident and having self-worth is knowing that you don’t have to do anything perfectly – including confidence. Even though my overall confidence has improved greatly, I still have days when I don’t feel confident.

Yet, my experience now is so different from what it used to be. Now, I am okay with not being okay. I am even okay with not really being okay with being okay. Just try to figure that one out! What I’m trying to say is – I’m in a new place of awareness about myself.  I don’t have to be on top of the world to feel good about myself. I’m not perfectly achieving anything or living a perfectly raining-rose-petals daily life, and I have in fact made approximately seven-hundred faux pas today alone. Still, even in my crappiest self esteem moments, I feel an underlying sense of peace with who I am.

I used to have the misperception that other people had it all figured out, or were perfect, or never felt bad about themselves, ever. I thought I was less than if I didn’t do things perfectly or “right,” or feel great about myself all the time. I wanted to be one of those people who had it all figured out and had risen above, somehow. I didn’t realize that the way to true confidence and self-worth traverses through the messy, human, imperfections in all of us. Having it all figured out is a myth. I didn’t know that by letting myself being imperfect and human, I’d float up to the surface and find joy.

This is why I love mind-body healing so much. I started out trying to find pain relief from vulvoynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome, and I ended up discovering gold. I discovered how to feel better about myself, how to truly ease off the pressure I put on myself, and how to love even my most human, messed-up, messy, ugly, blechy moments. Which means I can relax into my very humanness, my very imperfection, and land into a place of peace, even when I’m not doing all of this relaxing into myself perfectly. That may sound like a paradox, but it’s the best I can do to explain this at the moment.

How did this happen? Well, it was a natural expansion of using the mind-body healing process for pain relief.  The mind-body healing process essentially reconnects you to your soul. This means you can hear your soul wisdom. You can finally see yourself from the vantage point of your soul. Over time, spending more and more moments seeing from that vantage point creates a totally new perspective. The more time you consciously spend there, the more you naturally and effortlessly end up there. This means your mind spends more time telling you what your soul is saying and less time telling you tall tales. Again – it’s not about perfection. We’re just looking to tip the scales here, so that you eventually spend more time seeing how incredible, amazing, talented, and special you are and less time criticizing yourself.

If you’re having a crappy self esteem day (or month…or year…) you will be more likely to believe your mind when it tells you how awful your butt looks or how you are an idiot for messing up that presentation, etc. You will be more likely to look at others and think they have it all figured out and pulled together. (My colleague and friend Jessica Steward calls this compare and despair. How awesome is that!) Yet, even if your mind is doing that, you can step back and observe it, notice it, and know, even though you kind of believe your mind right now, that your soul sees you differently.

Your soul sees you through the eyes of love, always. It loves you unconditionally. It knows you are always okay, so it never worries about you. It knows that you are perfectly lovely, mistakes and all, cellulite and all, bad hair days and all. It sees your humanness with a mix of gentle laughter and a loving, nurturing embrace. It wants to hold you close and stroke your hair, let you cry it out, and then celebrate with you as joy returns. Your soul is like the most mothering, nurturing, loving being you can possibly imagine.

Confidence doesn’t happen when you finally get it all right, reach perfection, do it as good as so-and-so did, or attain your lofty, weighty goals. Confidence happens when you hear your soul. It happens when you and your soul are on the same page, and you let your soul sing. It happens when you spend time practicing linking up with your soul, which means connecting to your body, feeling your emotions, and consciously opening up to your soul wisdom. Not sure how to put that all together? Oh, don’t you worry! It’s coming! Stay tuned. I’m writing away like mad these days.

Suffice it to say, your soul knows the biggest secrets of all.

Here’s the first one: We are all equals. We are all geniuses. We are all amazing. We are all special. We are all unique, and have unique things to offer, in our own unique ways. No one is more incredible than someone else. We’re just all on our own individual incredible path, showing up as these fascinatingly individual people. We are all human. We are none of us superwoman, and yet we are all superwoman, at the same time. We are humanly divine and divinely human.

Here’s the second one: There’s nothing wrong with you, no matter what you think you need to change about yourself to be “better.” That’s the biggest tall tale of all. You are already okay – in fact, much more than okay – exactly as you are. Even if you committed the faux pas I committed today, even if you are still overweight, even if you spent time crying under a blanket and hiding from the world yesterday (oh yes, this still happens, even when you’ve learned to love yourself!), even if you aren’t where you think you should be with whatever is on your mind, you are loved. You are a part of this great big playground of human beings, and you get to be here, to play, even on your worst days. You are part of the whole, even as you strike out on your own to create your own, individual work in the world.

That’s how you know your own self-worth. You listen to this wise soul of yours, and you follow its guidance. What you end up with may look totally different than other people, and that’s okay. It’s about learning to trust your own unique spin on life. There is no wrong way. You can’t really avoid the wrong way or find the right way. Instead, you have to look for your individual way, as told to you by your soul. Because I’m a musician, I like to call that your soul song. Sing it, baby!

I’m not kidding.  As a coach, I really get to see these women.  They very graciously allow me into their worlds, tell me their thoughts and emotions, and share who they are with me.  As a result, I am awestruck by their inner beauty.  I see how much they shine, from the inside out.  Most of the time, I only hear their voice and never meet them in person.  And yet – it is so easy to see how incredible they are.

It makes me think, week after week, about something unusual.  I start to wonder what it would be like if everyone could really see how amazing they are.  What if everyone knew, in their hearts, that they are an awesome human being, valuable, whole, and magnificent, right now?

All these women I’ve worked with believe they need to change something about themselves before they can be proud of who they are.  They think they need to lose weight, be smarter, have it together, find an amazing career, stop feeling sad, get well, be better at something, be more fit, less afraid…the list goes on and on.  These women think they need to fix something about themselves before they can feel okay about who they are.

The funny thing is, the more they try to fix themselves, the less they share their unique selves with the world.  They hide the very best parts of themselves and try to be something that’s just a pale imitation of the real deal.  I get it, because I’ve certainly done it, too.  Which is why I know it doesn’t lead to valuing one’s self.

I believe that everything about these women is awesome.  All of their emotions, moods, thoughts, achievements, non-achievements, mistakes, successes, hairstyles, body sizes, etc.  Every little thing that makes up who they are in this moment is what makes them so unique, so amazing, and so – them.  Yet, here they are, trying so hard to fix themselves up.   Here they are, not looking at their very own awesomeness.  All they can see is where they need improvement.

Coaching isn’t about fixing yourself.  It’s about seeing yourself.  It’s about letting go of all that pressure to be different than who you really are, right now.  It’s about relaxing and saying, “I’m mad/sad/afraid/happy right now.”  It’s about delving into the mystery of who you are, discovering more fascinating nuggets each day.

So what I’d really like to know is this:  What do you see, about yourself, that you can celebrate today? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy.  I’m celebrating that I can admit to myself just how terrified I am of the mouse in my kitchen.  Instead of thinking I should be braver, I am allowing myself to be who I am right now – woman who is afraid of tiny little mouse.  I’m celebrating that I rarely try to do anything perfectly anymore, and as a result, I have more fun and success than ever before.  I’m celebrating that I am getting more and more real with myself about my own emotions, and I’m making delightful discoveries about myself as a result.

How are you awesome? I really want to know your answer.  I see it in you – in the emails you write to me, the coaching sessions you have with me – but do you?  It’s time to decide that you can see your own awesomeness.  It’s not egotistical or wrong or bad.  In fact, it’s the number one most healing thing you can do, hands down, for your mind, body, and spirit.  Your spirit already knows how awesome you are.  So when you start to see it, too, watch out.  You will be unstoppable.  You will be you.  You will be so much more than this “fixed up” version of yourself you’re trying to be.

I can’t wait!