I can handle this.

I can figure this out.

I shouldn’t ask for help, because…(list a zillion reasons).

I’m struggling, but I should be able to sort this out myself.

I’ll just be a burden if I ask for help.

If I admit how I’m really feeling, people will…(fill in the blank with thousands of scary options).

Ever think any of the thoughts on that list? I may have had a few of them, myself. In fact, these are some of the core beliefs I uncovered during the Ass Year.

What is the Ass Year? The year after I gave birth, in which I experienced rectal surgery (yes, it’s as fun as it sounds) and TMS (or Mind-Body Syndrome) around my tailbone, making sitting down extremely painful. (The Ass Year was augmented by postpartum thyroiditis, postpartum depression, and probably other things I’ve completely blocked from memory. It was an enormously challenging year.)

During the Ass Year, I really hated the Ass Year. Now that it is over, I can see, in retrospect, many of the important things it taught me that I really, really needed to learn. Still, it’s pretty annoying that it took an Ass Year for me to learn them. I’m edging my way toward grumpy appreciation of the whole experience. I may or may not make it.

Probably the biggest lessons from that experience were:

1) Learning to ask for help, support, and kindness from others.

2) Learning to treat myself with kindness – which is a deep and complicated process, not a quick hop into a bubble bath with a glass of wine.

During the Ass Year, I learned that taking responsibility for myself and asking for support are not mutually exclusive. I know. Mind-blower! For me, that changed everything. I have a highly active responsibility-for-everything gene, and I discovered that gets in the way of…well, everything. Support. Health. Love. Connection. Peace.

The best part of the Ass Year was the support that I did receive, and the amazing connection, love, and growth that resulted. I was forced to rely completely on family for the most basic things, since I was so unwell and at the same time, a new mom. This brought me face-to-face with many elements of my ego and crumbled many patterns and long-held beliefs. I started the year hiding in my home, not reaching out to others. I finished the year actively blogging about the Ass Year and publicly asking for support. Only then did things really begin to improve.

As I emerged from the Ass Year, I began to notice that my clients also struggled with similar issues around asking for help and treating themselves with kindness. These are two of the biggest reasons that TMS or Mind-Body Syndrome develops, because not asking for support and not being kind to one’s self causes immense pressure. In other words, it makes life a lot, lot harder. Just one tiny example of that: my best friend was actually angry with me during the Ass Year, because I didn’t ask her for help.

Learning to be kind to myself was such an incredibly powerful undertaking that it inspired me to create the Kindness Community, a resource for people who are struggling with TMS/Mind-Body Syndrome, other mind-body issues like body image and confidence, and trusting their own inner wisdom. It’s also a place where we explore spiritual awakening and the role of self-kindness as the heart of that process.

The Kindness Community idea sprang from my desire for connection and the work I did to move from going it alone to going it with support. Sometimes, going it alone simply isn’t possible. We are all connected. We are all part of the whole. It’s only ego that thinks going it alone is a good idea. When you learn, like I did, that it’s not even really possible, then walls crumble and love flows into your heart. It’s a veritable lake of love from all the sources and places you couldn’t see, feel, or hear until the walls disappeared.

My heart is that lake, now, filled and overflowing. I have received the love sent my way from so many people, over so many years, because I was finally willing to allow it. I was finally willing to be completely vulnerable, to show my soft underbelly, to ask for help, to ask for support, to, at long last, truly care for myself. It’s the beginning of an awakening.

I guess I kind of do appreciate the Ass Year, after all.

Ah perfection.

I’ve spent most of my life, consciously or unconsciously trying to be perfect – in almost every area of my life – and at the same time feeling like I was failing miserably at it.

Ahem.  No kidding!

If you’re reading this, I’m going to take a wild guess that you can relate.

After all, attempting to do things perfectly (or close to perfectly) is a common personality trait shared by women and men who suffer with chronic pain and other mind body syndromes.

Perfectionism is actually a strategy adopted by your brain to keep you safe.

It usually develops when we’re young, and for good reasons – so that we can gain approval, and avoid potentially dangerous disapproval from our parents and other authority figures.

Obsessing about doing things right (or perfectly) is also a way the mind keeps our awareness out of our body, which makes it an effective method for avoiding uncomfortable emotions.

Perfectionism may have served you well when you were a child, especially if you were in situations where your emotions were not welcome or you had no support to feel them.

But, if you’re in pain – or suffering with any other Mind Body Syndrome – it is not serving you well now.

In addition to causing pain, perfectionism is likely sucking the love and joy out of most everything you do. 

How?

The ways you think and push yourself when you’re trying to be perfect zap you right out of your body and put you straight into your mind, completely disconnecting you from your emotions, your heart and your soul – and everyone else.

They also leave you in a chronic and unconscious state of fight or flight…. tensing your muscles, holding your breath, and continually releasing stress hormones that further increase muscle tension, decrease blood flow, and in general, break your body down.

Not only that, when you’re trying to be perfect is when you are most likely to….

•      Yell at your kids, partner, friends, or boss.
•      Criticize the heck out of yourself.
•      Hide.
•      Rush around like a maniac.
•      Push yourself to do more – and more – and more – and…well, you get the idea.
•      Ignore your body.
•      Feel like giving up.
•      Procrastinate.
•      Ignore your emotions and intuition.  Intuition, what’s that?
•      Feel like you’re not good enough.
•      Get sick.
•      Push away your friends – and most other support.
•      Stop taking chances.
•      Stop having fun.

In other words, be very IM-perfect.

As you can see, like most strategies unconsciously created by your mind, perfectionism is not at all effective!

It’s no longer keeping you safe.

It’s causing physical and emotional pain.

If you want to relieve pain you’re going to have to outsmart this perfectionism thing.

So how can you do that?

By striving for connection instead.

Connection (not Perfection) is your new best friend if you want to relieve pain.

     Connect to your thoughts.

     Connect to your body.

     Connect to your emotions.

     Connect to your soul.

     Connect to love.

     Connect to someone else.

Connection sounds hard but it’s so easy!

All you have to do is notice.

Whatever is there, even if it is nothing – with acceptance, curiosity, and compassion.

Just notice.

So, when you notice that you are stressing out trying to do something perfectly (or really well, which is perfectly under cover)…..

….like say, oh……complete a project (or 10) on time, plan the most perfect experience for yourself or your family or friends; eat optimally healthy food; exercise every day without fail; be an amazing mother/wife/girlfriend/friend (hello Super Woman); think the exact right, best feeling thoughts all the time; say the exact right thing; do 1 – or possibly 8 – hours of mind body practice every day (in exactly the right way of course); make the “right” plans, or the “best” decision, or be precisely on time, or cure cancer, or save the planet…..

Just notice that you are aiming for perfection, breathe, and turn your focus to connection instead.  Say to yourself,

“Connection Not Perfection.”

“How would I be doing this or what would I be doing if my goal were connection rather than perfection?”

Maybe you would be connecting to your body by breathing and noticing the sensations there.

Maybe you would drop the effort, and decide to approach whatever you’re doing with a sense of joy and play.

Maybe you would give yourself permission to make mistakes – lots and lots and lots of mistakes – and just be pleased with yourself for doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Maybe you would visualize filling yourself up with love and light, or send some to someone else.

Maybe you would give your child a great big hug or take a minute to smell a flower, put on some music, or pet your cat.

Maybe you would smile – to yourself or someone else.

There are so many ways to connect.  See what you can come up with.

And remember, perfectionism sucks the love and joy out of just about everything.

The truth is that what actually keeps us safe and loved is not getting anything done, or doing it right, or being the best, or having others approve, or making more money….

It’s connecting to who we are.

Which, by the way, IS LOVE.

Being perfect won’t ever get you where you want to go (especially if you want to relieve pain).

Connecting will.

Take the pressure off.

Allow more play.

Allow more YOU.

The love you want is right there – ALWAYS.

All you have to do is connect.

Lorraine Faehndrich is an Endorsed Mind Body Coach and Women’s Health Mentor specializing in the relief of Female Pelvic and Sexual Pain – including Vulvodynia and Vulvar Vestibulitis.  In addition to helping women find relief for their pain, Lorraine helps her clients break through to a whole new understanding of their health and their body, reconnect with their truth and go on to live outrageously joyful and radiantly healthy lives!

To learn more about how to work with her or to receive a Free Mind Body Alchemy Starter Kit please visit www.RadiantLifeDesign.com