The other day, I met a woman who suffered, like me, from vulvodynia. She had read my blog and ended up working with one of my Endorsed Mind-Body Coaches. She was immensely grateful for the mind-body healing tools, because she’s now pain-free and living a normal life again.

As we talked, she expressed all the feelings she’d felt along the way. She shared the thoughts she’d had about herself and her body, and tears came to both our eyes. I could remember clearly the same exact feelings and thoughts during my years of struggle with a multitude of pelvic diagnoses.

I remember feeling alone, embarrassed, ashamed, and like a complete outsider. None of my friends understood what it was like to deal with such a private, all-encompassing pain. There was no one to talk to, and no one to offer hope. Vulvodynia wasn’t something I’d ever heard of, until I was diagnosed with it, and the same went for interstitial cystitis, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, and vulvar dysesthesia.

I remember spiraling down into shame, because somehow I thought having something “wrong” with me in those very personal, private places was shameful. I believed something was really wrong with me as a person, at my core. I felt lost, alone, and, of course, terrified. I felt completely isolated.

I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone, there were others who experienced what I was experiencing, and I was not a lost cause. I was terribly confused, because I couldn’t understand why there was no help; no clear path to follow to wellness.

It’s a strange thing, having pain and other symptoms that are too private to share. I couldn’t talk much with anyone, because one doesn’t go about sharing about one’s nether regions. It wasn’t like back pain, where it’s socially acceptable to say something like, “I need to stand up for a minute, I have some back pain.”

Instead, it felt cloaked, hidden, and dark. My mind could hardly stand this aspect of the pain. It wanted freedom to express and share. It wanted it to be ok to talk about vaginal pain, out loud. It wanted a space in which to admit what was really going on with me, and to find compassionate listeners who knew the hell I was walking through.

We all walk our own paths through hell at different times and in different ways. This is the compelling aspect of a support group, because hell can be isolating.

I know the hell of having various pelvic symptoms that make it painful to do the simplest of things – like wear underwear. I know the hell of endless appointments involving people who can’t really solve the pain, and who don’t really want to talk about the emotional side of the syndrome/s. I know the hell of wanting a way out of the painful, symptomatic body, and the darkness of the mental pain that accompanies this experience.

Sometimes I feel like there is a very small club of people who have both A) been through pelvic pain and B) who have embarked on the mind-body healing journey like myself. Not only did I feel alone when I was facing vulvodynia, but I felt alone when I embarked on a completely radical healing path; treating it as a Mind Body Syndrome (TMS).

A lot of people wander around in the pelvic pain support groups, talking about various medical treatments and the hopelessness. They haven’t yet meandered into this camp, over here, where we have stopped talking about all those things and focus only on how to connect to our inner emotional world, relax our bodies, take care of ourselves, practice self-kindness, and turn the journey into one of self-discovery.

Many people simply haven’t heard that healing pelvic pain this way is possible. Others are afraid it won’t work. Others find it downright ridiculous.

My hope is to create change. I want to create greater awareness around mind-body healing, so that those people who haven’t heard of it yet, but might need it, are able to find the path. I want people to know that mind-body healing works. I want to create more and more community around this so that people who are ready to take a mind-body approach don’t have to do it alone. I want to create more and more hope, and a place where people can talk about these private and lonely struggles in order to mine the gold and return to health.

If you’re feeling alone and scared, like I used to feel, let me just say this:

You can do it. You can heal. You have what it takes. You are not alone, not by a long shot. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. Pelvic pain is just like any other mind-body pain, and we can talk about it, here on my Facebook page, here on the blog, and in the Kindness Community. Feel free to share. You are strong, even when you feel you’ve been brought to your knees.

I remember what it feels like, and I hold a vision for anyone who is struggling. I see you as healthy, because you are. I see you as whole, because you are. I see you as growing to know yourself in ways that will bring you much more joy and happiness than you even knew was possible, even if you’re really pissed off right now about the pain. I know you’ll face challenges on your healing journey. It will feel hard and liberating in turn. It will be messy. It will also be transformational and the ultimate healing experience – mind, body, and soul

You can do it.
You’re not alone.

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Gail Kenny

Learning to self-soothe and using it on a regular basis is one of the best ways to reduce stress and chronic pain. It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it and it becomes a habit that makes a significant difference in being able to more easily come back into balance when life gets challenging.

Anxiety on Top of Pain

I distinctly remember a time when I was really stuck in chronic pelvic pain. I had been experiencing a flare-up of pain for weeks that wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. I had anxiety in addition to pain which just made the pain harder to deal with. I thought that if the anxiety would just go away I could handle the pain.

Then I found the pelvicpainhelp.com website and spoke on the phone with Dr. David Wise, a psychologist who once suffered from chronic pelvic pain and who has found significant relief. His recognition of and familiarity with my suffering, and his kindness and optimism that his approach could help me was so reassuring that when I got off the phone my anxiety was gone and I felt quite a bit better!

We can learn to comfort  ourselves the same way through the practice of self-soothing. When we resist discomfort, anxiety can arise which makes the discomfort even more intense. Self-soothing can reduce anxiety and resistance to discomfort and significantly dial down pain.

How to self-soothe

1.  Notice when you’re worrying or obsessing about pain and consciously change your approach to it. Get a broader perspective by imagining you can take a step back from being in the middle of your pain and simply observe your experience of it instead of automatically reacting to it.
2. Accept that what you’re experiencing is hard, challenging, or uncomfortable. You might be feeling angry, scared or sad. Turn towards feeling the emotions about it and underlying it instead of resisting them.
3. Take at least three mindful breaths and focus on the physical sensations of the emotions while you let go of your story about the pain.
4. Feel the support you already have in the moment. It can be as simple as noticing you have plenty of oxygen to breathe and that gravity holds your body and allows it to rest against the ground or in your chair.  Find a place in your body that feels comfortable and focus there.
5. Then treat yourself as you would someone you love. Be compassionate. Surround yourself with love, have understanding and love for yourself in your situation. Reassure yourself as you would someone you love.
6. Imagine that you’re being held with a kind and loving hand on your back. Or put your own hand on the place in your body that feels uncomfortable and imagine you can channel unconditional love through your hand and receive it in your body.
7. Feel sympathy for the younger part of you who is worried, scared, or unsure. From your fully functioning adult-self, imagine that you’re comforting and reassuring the part of you who is distressed and sense what that part really needs in order to come back into balance. See your adult-self comforting the part of you who is suffering.
8. You can take this a step further and imagine that you have the complete attention, love, and support of a higher part of yourself, a mentor, or a spiritual guide. Imagine that they love you always.

An Example of Self-Soothing

I recently woke up with a sore back from stacking a load of firewood the day before. I noticed my mind starting to go into worry about a big pain flare up and the possibility of being in pain indefinitely. Because I’ve been practicing self-soothing and good self-care I quickly reframed my story about my discomfort and realized that I had lots of resources for calming my discomfort starting with accepting that I had discomfort. I took some time to relieve the myofascial pain by massaging sore spots with a ball against the wall. It really helped. Then I continued with allowing my body to feel sore and reassuring myself that I’m okay and noticing how I’m already being supported in the moment. As I felt the support of gravity holding my body to the earth and the support of the air already giving me plenty of oxygen to breathe I also imagined softening around the discomfort. Then I imagined surrounding myself with a kind and loving presence comforting me and reassuring me that all will be well.

Self-soothing helps relieve the resistance to feeling discomfort and allows you to be with feeling discomfort with a sense of also being comforted and supported. Then it’s not so scary. Then you can be present in your body to feel without blocking the experience. This allows you to also be present with emotional energy around the discomfort. Being with and witnessing discomfort allows it to be acknowledged and that’s what helps it to release and for you to return to balance and comfort.

Photo credit: Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

I had written exactly five blog posts and published them on my homemade, very bad blog site.

I had one paying client.

I had two months left of my teacher’s salary, and then it was sink or swim.

I’d done it. After months and months of agonizing, I’d quit my job to become a coach.

I probably leapt a little too fast (I like to move fast), but I just couldn’t sign on for another year of teaching high school orchestra. For about ten million reasons.

I knew, in my heart, I was meant to coach.

I was terrified.

What had I done? How was I going to make it work in just two months? (I’d been working, of course, on my coaching practice, but I was a total newbie, and it was taking time.)

I had one main thought: WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!!!

The first month passed, day after terrifying day.

The second month passed, day after terrifying day.

Then, there it was. The month where I would not be paid by the school district. I had one goal: to coach enough clients to match my former monthly salary.

Day after terrifying day passed.

As you can see, I felt a lot of fear during this time.

Fear is a very misunderstood emotion.

It’s easy to misconstrue the meaning of fear and think you should stop doing whatever it is that causes fear. Or, you might go the other way and push through all fear, no matter what, and keep going.

The happy medium is this: listening to the fear, letting it guide you, and still taking the action you’re meant to take.

Think of it this way: If you were driving along in your car and someone started to move into your lane, clearly not seeing you, you would feel a frisson of fear. You’d probably take a quick, instinctive action, like hitting the brakes or moving to another lane.

That’s clean fear.

Felt.

Heard.

Used as guidance.

When you’re doing something like starting a coaching practice, prepping a big project, putting yourself out there in the world, doing your creative work, etc., it can be less clear. If this is so terrifying, should I stop? Should I take a different path? Or should I persevere?

What really helps, actually, is to listen to the fear.

You will be surprised at the wisdom, advice, and actionable plans your fear will give you.

It’s an extremely helpful guide in all life circumstances.

We don’t need to be fearless. In fact, being “fearless” is actually suppressing fear, which only leads to stress and even physical pain or illness. Fear is a valuable emotion and not something to be eradicated or judged. All we really have to do is listen, because it’s only when we avoid fear or misinterpret fear that problems arise.

When I was in those first three months as a new coach, I felt fear regularly. It guided me to do a lot of things. It led me to study, learn, prepare, give workshops, spread the word about my business, and write. It led me to coach, stay up late some nights working on my new business, and double-check my work. It helped me put my best foot forward. It helped me know my stuff. It told me when to go back to the drawing board and try again, because I hadn’t quite nailed it.

I didn’t stop moving, ever, during those months. I simply moved along with the fear. It was like a dance – feel it, listen to it, act. Feel it, listen to it, act. Nothing I did happened without fear.

In the end, fear was like my supreme guide – along with inspiration – leading me to create the business I have now. It kicked me in the pants when I needed to change lanes. It woke me up when I was getting too complacent. It fired me up when I was trying to cut a corner that couldn’t be cut. It was an amazing help along the way.

When the end of the third month came, it was time to do the final count.

I nearly passed out with relief and amazement.

I’d done it.

I’d made the same amount, almost to the dollar, of my former salary.

I learned so much in those first few months, and the biggest lesson of all was listen to my fear. We’ve been dancing ever since.

Abigail

How do you believe in yourself when you’re feeling a lot of doubt and fear? In this video, I share my top two tools for outsmarting doubt and fear around any issue. There’s also an easy summary below to help you remember the key points. And, just for fun, you’ll hear a little traditional Irish fiddle if you watch to the end! Enjoy!

The Two Tools for Outsmarting Doubt and Fear:

1. Practice believing in yourself

Just like anything else, believing in yourself takes practice. Really! The brain has a built-in negativity bias (read about that here)  and it takes practice and awareness to steer clear of the inner critic and learn to see yourself with kindness.

Take the time to notice and observe yourself, and each day, recognize one thing about you that shows you can believe in yourself. If you’re in pain and are doubting you can heal, think of a time that you did heal, even if it seems insignificant.

Working on creating something in your life that you’re not sure you can create? Think of a time when you did create something that worked, no matter how small.

Do this simple practice daily and you will build your self-belief muscle and kick doubt and fear to the curb.

2. Learn to trust a bigger wisdom than yourself

When fear and doubt show up, you know your mind has disconnected from your inner wisdom. The key then, is to reconnect. This is a personal process – use whatever helps you connect. Nature. Music. Friendship. Yoga. Meditation.

What do I do to connect? I use all of the above, and I have a process I’ve created that helps me tune in to my body, emotions, and inner wisdom so that I stay pain-free, healthy, and connected to my truth. I call it the KIND Process. If you want to learn more, hop on over to the Kindness Community, where you can learn the KIND Process and get regular support in applying it to your own life.

When you trust a bigger wisdom than your own mind, you realize that you can relax, let go of control, and trust that you’re loved, cared for, and connected to a wisdom that guides you every step of the way. This helps relieve fear and allows you to relax.

Want to learn more ways to outsmart doubt and fear and learn to truly believe in yourself? Join the Kindness Community today and join the classes and discussions this month to get in-depth tools and support! You’ll learn my secret trick for leveraging law of attraction to create health (or other things you desire) by really tweaking this believing in yourself practice.

Here’s what a current member has to say:

“I’m enjoying the Kindness Community on so many levels.  The biggest draw for me was the opportunity to have a place to connect with like-minded individuals trying to navigate mind-body physical and emotional challenges.  I have not been disappointed – the calls, coaching, peer-support, resources and encouragement are exactly what my soul was craving.  AHHHHH.” – Rebecca

Abigail

I love to travel and I like to fly, even in this era of orange alerts. I love the moment of takeoff.  I like feeling suspended in time out of time, and finding my travel Zen is rarely a challenge.  So it was with some surprise that I recently found myself in my window seat freaking out.

Entering the third leg of a trip that had begun before dawn, expecting another 2-3 hour flight, I overheard a flight attendant mention that our flying time would be 5 hours.  It was as if a switch had been flipped in my brain and nervous system. At the thought of another five hours of immobility, I had the physical sensation of not only being confined in  too small a space, but also in my too small skin and mind. I felt paralyzed – and a little crazy.

My first strategy was to tell myself, “It’s just your thinking about the length of flight.” I believed it (sort of) but it didn’t make me feel any better. Then I remembered to breathe – slowly – which gave me the space and presence to realize what my body needed: to Get Out Of There.  I shivered and shrugged off my sweater without really thinking, then realized that movement itself was Getting Out without causing a major disturbance – or possibly activating the sky marshals. I stood in place, I stretched, I jiggled.  Instead of being frozen in panic, I felt the release of fleeing – while in flight.

The wave passed. I felt calm and even slept much of the time. Since then I have flown several times, and all was well. And if it hadn’t been smooth going, I knew I had an excellent body-based tool available: movement to disarm the “freeze” trauma response.

Freezing can have real short-term utility if one is a rabbit, gazelle, opossum, or sometimes a person in overwhelming circumstances.  It’s not so useful when the response becomes stuck and creates a pattern of anxiety or panic, often in situations that seem minor in proportion to the anxiety they generate.

I have become aware that for me there is a strong relationship between feeling anxious (usually a cover fear, anger, or sadness) and the action of “freezing.” I have started playing with physical anti-freeze as a strategy for releasing those emotions.   Dancing, running, singing, shadow boxing, or even imagining movements can get me Out of There. The anxiety dissipates as I thaw.

Aside from escaping across the savannah or going one on one against an adversary, how do you un-freeze? I’d love to hear your experiences and ideas.

May your emotional energy find its motion,

Ann

If fear is in your driver’s seat, it is time to take back the steering wheel and connect with your own inner navigation systems.  Fear is a terrible driver with an awful sense of direction.  You, on the other hand, are a brilliant driver with a personalized GPS installed inside you.  All you have to do is learn how to use it. 

The first important step to taking back your steering wheel is to realize when fear has ripped it from your hands.  This sounds simple, but it is not always easy.  Noticing your own thinking and realizing you’ve been hijacked by repetitive, anxiety-creating thoughts takes a little practice.  First, you have to notice your own fear, panic, or anxiety.  Then, you can take a minute to step back and look at the fear as separate from your true self.  Notice that it comes from a different part of you than your intuitive, relaxed self.  In her latest book, Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck explains that fear, panic, and anxiety have their roots in the very animal part of the human brain.  She calls this the “lizard brain.”  Recognizing your lizard brain as soon as it starts taking over can immediately give you a chance to grab the steering wheel before fear shoves you aside.

I spent a great deal of time in complete lizard-based fear mode when I first began dealing with the chronic pain of interstitial cystitis.  I gave fear the steering wheel and didn’t even bother to watch the road.  Let me just tell you, that was not a wise decision on my part.  My lizard brain was so certain I would never recover normal bladder function and would suffer IC symptoms for the rest of my life that it went completely nuts.  I imagine it literally, as an actual lizard, reaching out with little lizard claws in every direction, grasping and scrabbling at everything it found.  It researched like crazy, becoming very obsessive and intense, and spent hours combing the internet and reading books.  Then, it decided to try every single therapy option available, be it medical, holistic, dietary, or just a rumor.  It tortured me with one cystoscopy after another to confirm that yes, my bladder was a mess.  Then it pushed me to try various infusions of drugs flushed into my bladder and held inside for an eternal thirty minutes.  It urged me to take various medications.  Finally, after little success, it took the advice of a doctor and decided to take a couple Tums daily.  This seemed to help the symptoms, so without seeking medical advice, my lizard brain decided that if one Tums helped, a zillion would be better.

Fast forward three months to the results of that experiment: me, writhing in agony on the emergency room floor, a kidney stone lodged in my body.  Too much calcium, it turns out, is not a fantastic idea.  That stubborn kidney stone required emergency surgery, which then had to be repeated twice.  I spent the next six months dealing with infections and horrific kidney pain.  All of this, I must say, was far worse than any of my IC symptoms. 

Sadly, I could give you more examples of ways my lizard brain took over and wreaked havoc in my life.  It took me a long time to learn the lesson I am sharing with you now, in the hope that it will save you at least a little mental or even physical suffering.  When I learned how to notice my own fear and see it as a separate part of my mind rather than regarding it as absolute truth, I was able to recognize the thoughts perpetuating the fear.  These thoughts ranged from, “I have to try everything, because otherwise I might miss the one medication that helps,” to “Oh, God, I cannot take this, make it stop NOW.”  Recognizing anxiety-causing thoughts and realizing they may not be true is the second step to regaining the driver’s seat.

My own thinking, stuck in lizard mode, took me in all the wrong directions.  When I learned to stop, take a few minutes to do deep breathing exercises and allow calm to have a fighting chance, I discovered my inner GPS, which I like to call my Inner Healer.  Simply stopping, becoming still, and breathing allowed me to tap into this amazing navigational system within myself.  I noticed that when I did this, I could make decisions about everything based on my own GPS guidance.  I knew, intuitively, which medications were worth trying and which weren’t.  I knew which doctors to call, which alternative medicine routes to explore.  I even knew which books to read and which internet sites to peruse.  If my Inner Healer signaled No to a resource, I dropped it and moved to something else.  Listening to your GPS gives you the courage to stay in the driver’s seat, certain you will always know which way to turn.

I now sit firmly behind the steering wheel, my GPS calibrated to peace.  It directs me flawlessly, every time.