Many years ago (just how many is Top Secret), I was in my early twenties, struggling with a syndrome called Interstitial Cystitis. (Ok, fine. It was fifteen years ago. Gasp!) I had just been diagnosed, which involved undergoing a procedure that I still can’t even talk about without fainting from horror. I was basically in a total panic, all the time, because there seemed to be little hope for healing from IC, as it’s called.

After much medical system hoopla, I finally found a local urologist who treated IC. I arrived at his office, desperation and a few remaining threads of hope in my heart. The nurse ushered me into the exam room, handed me the paper cover-up, and left. I stripped down, sat on the exam table, and unfolded the paper cover-up. I stared at it. First, it was the size of a napkin, and second, it had a hole in the middle (presumably for man-parts).

I did, indeed, spend that entire appointment talking to a male physician while covering myself up with a napkin that had a very, very strategic hole in it. Awkward hardly covers it. Heh. (Sadly, this was only one of my many, many Mortifying Medical Moments.)

That urologist wasn’t able to cure my IC, and it would be two years later before I actually returned to health. In fact, IC was just the beginning of my healing journey. Shortly after that embarrassing appointment, I developed vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis, and pelvic floor dysfunction. All of these syndromes are considered chronic.

I had no idea, at the time, that my life’s work was calling. I just thought I was doomed to suffer horribly embarrassing medical issues until I literally died of mortification, or possibly sheer panic. I went from living a normal life to being unable to wear underwear, walk, ride a bike, wear jeans, or sit without pain.

After much struggle, I finally discovered mind-body healing. I dove into every mind-body resource I could find, certain I’d found the key to my well-being. The healthier I got, and the more I returned to normal life, the more excited I felt. This mind-body stuff was cool! I wasn’t doomed to live with these incurable illnesses. I was a music teacher by day, but I made self-discovery, the mind-body tools, and taking care of me my real job.

It took me a few years to realize I was meant to be a life coach. It took me even longer to realize my life’s purpose was to help others apply mind-body healing in their lives. And took even longer to realize I was meant to train coaches myself in how to use mind-body tools with their clients. And then, I realized what I’m about to share with you.

In my healing journey, I began awakening to who I am – a spirit, a soul, a consciousness that’s much more than I knew before. I saw that pain made me wake up to new understandings about myself. Yet, even with that new awareness, I was so very hard on myself. It was a pattern so ingrained that I didn’t know what to do about it. I would drop into periods of extreme self-doubt and unkindness toward myself.

Despite having studied mind-body healing in depth and being pain-free a large part of the time, I periodically experienced more rounds of pain syndrome struggles. Every time I hit a health roadblock, I took a hard look at where I’d recently been walking, found I’d detoured off my path, and had to take steps to return to it.

Every time, I realized I’d not been taking care of me, applying the mind-body tools to me, or being kind to myself. Every time, I learned hard lessons.

But – why? Why did I veer off the path of kindness toward myself? Why did I forget to use the mind-body tools, which I know are so important, on myself?

A few weeks ago, I went to a bicycle shop and test-rode a new bike. I hopped on it and rode around the local college campus, taking in the smell of the trees, the fresh air on my skin, and the deliciousness of the bike carrying me swiftly down the road. I realized that it’s been fifteen years since that horrible urology appointment. I felt gratitude for the well-being I have right now. The ability to ride a bike. The comfort in my body. The joy of being alive and much more awake to who I really am. I reveled in my recent self-kindness practices and how good they’ve made me feel.

Suddenly, it hit me. I realized that when I first discovered mind-body healing, during those first two years of fabulous health, I didn’t serve others as my main focus. I served me. And that’s the key.

I suddenly saw that kindness to me, using the mind-body tools on me, awakening to deeper understanding of myself, and taking care of me is my life’s purpose. It’s not sharing mind-body healing with others. I had it totally backwards.

In my coaching practice, I help healers. Pretty much everyone I work with IS a healer, even if they haven’t come to that awareness yet or discovered how they are meant to serve others, exactly. I help them find the missing link; the reason they are not yet feeling well-being in mind, body, and spirit. I teach healers how to be kind to themselves so that they can actively serve others without regular physical illness or burnout.

They come to me, and they ask the questions: Why am I not healthy? Why am I stressed? How do I do this mind-body connection thing? I’m trying so hard! Am I missing something? They ask the same questions I’ve sometimes asked myself.

They know they’re almost on the path. They’re so close. But these people aren’t experiencing complete well-being. They’re stressed. They’re tired. They’re beating themselves up. They feel like they’re giving so much. They feel guilty or judge themselves around rest and hesitate to rest as much as they seem to need. They think they should be producing all the time, getting things done, and yet sometimes they just…aren’t. They don’t always feel the energy and passion carrying them effortlessly along their path to serving others.

Why not?

Because the calling, the passion, the healing work, and the serving or taking care of others is just the footnote. It’s not the real story.

The real story is YOU.

You’re meant to serve you. That’s your job.

It’s the compassionate person’s and healer’s Achilles’ Heel; giving to others and serving them without giving to ourselves and serving ourselves. And, as you might suspect, I’m focusing on this in my own life, every day. It’s my Achilles’ Heel, too, as a healer, a mother, a wife, and friend. Every time I experience physical issues, it’s because I’m engaged in this pattern of lack of self-kindness and self-care, and much external focus toward others.

It’s our JOB, as healers and generally loving beings, to focus on deep kindness toward ourselves. We’re meant to give ourselves everything we give to others…and more. The healing work we do with others is meant to be completely secondary to the healing work we do with ourselves.

In fact, unless we’re actively kind to ourselves – which looks like allowing our emotions to flow, noticing our mind stories, and listening to our body’s wisdom – we’re not a clear channel when we work with others in a healing capacity. We can’t be effective healers when we’re not practicing self-care.

Maybe I’m preaching to the choir. Or, maybe you’re thinking, “Ok, that’s great, but HOW do I do this self-care and kindness job?” Maybe you’re wondering what the point of coaching or healing others is, if it’s not our job? If it isn’t our job, why is it so fun? Maybe you’re wondering how we can take care of ourselves and still also serve others, bring in income, and not be “selfish?” I want to hear the questions this brings to your mind. This conversation is just beginning, and I look forward to continuing it with you. Comment here on the blog, or email me at abigail@abigailsteidley.com.

Want support in doing this self-kindness job? You might be interested in the Kindness Community!