My low back is killing me.

I’m walking like I need a cane – and I shouldn’t be!

I’ve applied mind-body coaching and many other modalities, but the tension is still there – I should be over this already!

Sound familiar?

After several mind-body coaching sessions, my inner wisdom guided me to be kind to myself. I followed through on it’s guidance and made the call to my massage therapist, but…

She was on vacation.

My low back often reminds me to tune-in and it started acting up again after a week’s retreat in Crestone, Colorado. The retreat’s agenda was amazing, but the tight schedule (something I’d been avoiding since I made the transition from corporate to coaching) felt a bit demanding. I found myself waking earlier than usual and with a sense of hurriedness. In addition, it took me awhile to unwind and fall asleep at the end of the day, which only made waking up more challenging.

Three days in and I had an unusual bout of constipation (Only in a Mind-body blog post is this not TMI). As someone that believes in the wisdom of the body, I sat on the pot wondering – Alright, what am I resisting? What needs to be let go of and released? (okay, maybe that is TMI).

At the time, it really didn’t sink in that my sympathetic nervous system – the one that perceives that I’m in physical danger – had been triggered (I was on vacation! How could I be stressed out?)

Furthermore, it didn’t even occur to me to say anything to the organizers who were therapists and body-workers – and who had stressed that it’s normal for our stuff to come up and to reach out if we needed them. So, why did I dismiss my physical symptoms? Why didn’t I leave more time for myself in the morning to check in and see how I was feeling – even during the morning meditation? Why didn’t I say something? Why didn’t I reach out?

One of the cool things on the agenda included a visit to the Zen Monastery. After a 45-minute meditation with the monks, the primary teacher opened a discussion with us about Buddhism. My ears perked up when he referred to their schedule as a vehicle for shifting the monks out of their preferences and old habits. For example, he might change the morning meditation to 3:30am if the 4:00am schedule became too comfortable – routine. I sensed that living there invited a continuous process of going to the edge of resistance, feeling it, and then working with the thoughts that were creating it.

I decided to raised the question of how to balance a demanding schedule (even with activities I looked forward to and didn’t want to miss out on) with the body’s natural rhythm and flow. After all, if I don’t get enough sleep, there is a real physiological response. Do I really want my hormones to go haywire? I asked the monk, “With such a rigid schedule at the monastery, how can you tell whether it’s resistance, or your body’s true need for taking care of itself? I can see the value of creating a schedule and other circumstances that prompt us out of our comfort zone. I can see how it helps to bring our areas of resistance into our awareness so you can make a conscious choice to let them go, but how can you do this and yet balance the need to take care of your body and overall well-being?”

The teacher referred to one of the other monks who’d been at the monastery for four years. He was quick to reply (with a hint of New York accent), “It ain’t easy!” He continued to say that “There are trade-offs. It’s a choice.” He chooses to live in the zen monastery community with it’s rigid schedule (my choice of word), but he’s conscious of the trade-offs and the choices he’s making.

I still couldn’t let it go (pun intended). I wanted to hear the retreat organizer’s perspective as well. I asked, “With a retreat is intentionally designed to help participants become aware of their resistance, how can you balance that with the need to respect your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being?”

She simply asked me a few questions and it got real. She pointed out that my inner child was saying, “I don’t want to be on anyone else’s schedule”, “I’ve got to be good/perfect, do what’s expected…meet someone else’s expectations, people-please…and I don’t like it and I don’t want to do that anymore” (picture inner child with hand on hip). This was the resistance that was making it difficult for me to wake up and believe that now, as an adult, that I have a choice.

The demanding schedule was really a gift – prompting me to become aware of the choices available to me so that I could indeed consciously choose.

But I didn’t. I didn’t take the time to tune into my body to ask what I really needed and wanted. Logically, I knew I didn’t want to miss out on anything and I didn’t want to create any potential conflict either (I wanted to be liked, good, etc).   In all likelihood, I may have chosen to do everything exactly the same, but I realize now, that my experience might have differed had I made a conscious choice.

So at this point, I hadn’t really experienced the tightness in my low back, but that all changed on the drive home. The sensations became even more pronounced after I was safe and sound at home – with the familiar (Isn’t it interesting that the physical symptoms appeared when I perceived that I was in a “safe” environment?)

I struggled for several days, barely able to put dishes in the dishwasher. Fortunately, I had my annual appointment with a woman who specializes in Mayan abdominal massage (nod to my inner wisdom’s initial guidance) and holistic pelvic care.   As she massaged my back, she noticed that my left hip and sacrum were out of place which was actually creating the tension I felt on the right side of my low back.

I then turned over and she said the energy in my abdomen felt sticky. I felt it too and remembered a comment another body-worker made to me upon observing my posture who suggested that there was a correlation between my back issue and my psoas muscle. Lying on the massage table, an image appeared in my mind’s eye – It was a steel rod along the right side of my psoas muscles. She continued to massage that area and asked me what it needed. Immediately, an image of a blow torch appeared, melting the steel rod and turning the steel into liquid gold.

How true. I’d learned so much through this journey, with each lesson worth it’s weight in gold.

I learned that while I was indeed back in a “safe” environment for me to process my experience and emotional energy from the trip, I’d also returned back to an old agenda of “getting down to business”; “I better get the business going, but then not too much or I won’t be able to manage my time effectively and I’ll get overwhelmed and collapse under the pressure; I won’t have choices, and even if I do, I won’t be able to say no; I won’t have time, or the presence of mind, to tune into what I need; I won’t be able to consciously choose…and I won’t like that! (Oh to be aware!)

But this time…in addition to becoming aware of my thoughts, I gave myself a moment to consciously check-in to what I needed and wanted. Here’s what I learned…

What do I need to care for myself?

I imagined biting into a luscious strawberry and felt the need to experience more pleasure and joy. Like the deep red of the strawberry, I needed to nourish myself with vibrant experiences that make me feel alive.

That means going to the edge of resistance and using it as a prompt to turn inward – To then ask what I need and want in the moment, and perhaps what would be fun too. When I look at a schedule, or another circumstance that will likely prompt my resistance, I can recognize that I need to allocate some additional time for this type of inner wisdom check-in to occur. That way, I can have the space for myself to consciously choose whether to go to the edge of my resistance (or even past it, breaking the pattern of my comfort zone and old habit), or decide that what I need is to rest, or move more slowly.

What do I want?

I imagined a solid gold bar and the desire to feel rich and abundant as well as precious, important and valued.

And so, I turned the steel rod into a new thought – I am valuable and rich. Instead of fearing that I’ll upset someone (and potentially feeling the emotional energy related to that), I can voice what I’m experiencing, what I need, and what I want because what I have to say is important.

This is the process of turning resistance into gold.

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Mind-Body Coach Kelly C. Mullen started Whole-Self Wisdom Coaching to help those who feel exhausted stop all the doing and start being who they really are, so they can live a life with more ease, and make an impact in the world without compromising their health and ability to engage in meaningful and supportive relationships. Whether it’s through private coaching, or facilitating workshops, she creates and holds a space for her clients to strengthen the connection to the four parts of themselves – mind, body, spirit, emotions – so they can connect to and trust that their inner wisdom will guide them into more ease, energy and engagement. You’ll find her at www.kellycmullen.com

Standing in front of the class, I began to tell my story.  My public speaking coach had reviewed how to use gestures and suggested that I reach my arms out to illustrate my opening line – a line that recalls the memory of my two year-old self reaching for a parent’s connection until I hit a wall of emotional energy that said “Do Not Enter.”

I did as my coach suggested and reached my arms out; however, it felt completely unnatural.

Why did this gesture of reaching out feel so unnatural and why did it still bother me days later?

Upon searching for a new perspective, one of my elders asked me, “What gesture would feel more natural?”

I replied, “Actually, I don’t feel like moving at all.”

The contrast between the “Do Not Enter” energy and my loving exuberance had created enough confusion and overwhelm for my two year-old self to freeze in place.

I began to wonder what other frozen energy still remained inside of my body.  My curiosity took me to another elder who helped me become aware of, and release, some of my frozen patterns.  She also shared a new perspective:  “No wonder your website has been under construction for the last two years – like the energy in your body, it’s been frozen!”

My inner and outer worlds had collided.  If I didn’t get some heat on this frozen energy, I feared I would not be able to create the life I wanted – I’d never get my website launched and connect and serve those who resonate with my gifts most (Oh more frozen thought patterns!).

During this session, I also became aware of the risks I’d taken to melt this frozen energy:  For decades, I’d placed myself inside a protective block of ice, but as I began engaging my elders for support in melting it away, I felt exposed and vulnerable within my existing relationships and environments.  It’s as though I’d prompted others to see me question the status quo, the known, the predictable, the comfortable, and this brought tension to the surface.  The thought I struggled with was, “It’s not safe to ‘come out’ as a mind-body coach/entrepreneur and healer” (which, by the way, I define as someone who heals themselves so they can create and hold space for others’ healing experiences).

So how can you make the process of transmuting frozen blocks into a more flowing liquid form, feel a bit “safer” – allowing you to connect into your creative flow and express your gifts?

When I try on the perspective that everything is energy, I can start to play with the possibilities.  I can imagine that the frozen energy in my body, or my life circumstances, is like a magical soccer ball.  It looks solid, and I can even play with it for a while, but I can also remember that I have the power to transform it into something else like a puddle of water, or into steam from a teapot.

For instance, I recently imagined myself as a contented baby in one of those jogger-strollers with the stroller representing all of the support that was available to me.  This then led me to the notion that if I ever find myself crawling around on the floor, I can always get into the stroller and be glided into an easier way of doing things.

My stroller of support has included reaching out to a group of elders – healers, coaches, and other practitioners that have experience playing with these layers of frozen energy and transmuting them into new forms of creative self-expression.  These are also individuals that not only have insightful perspectives and tools that I can apply, but there’s something about them that allows me to feel safe and supported as the ice in and around me melts into the flow.

These individuals also create and invite me to create my own safe spaces (Why not get in the stroller and head to the park vs. the parking lot?).  They help me to remember that:

• You get to pick and choose the relationships and environments where it feels safe to unfold and transform that frozen energy
• You can tune into and trust your own inner wisdom to guide you toward what you need in order to feel safe and supported within those relationships and environments
• You can always become aware of the choices that are available to you (e.g. you can say no, you can leave, you can ask someone to join you in another location, you can start a new thought…).  In fact, instead of taking flight, fighting, or freezing in response to stress, there is a forth option…

You can radiate – just by remembering that you are light is enough to melt and transform some of the frozen energy into your creative flow and experience connection.

From there, I believe you’ll have the space to create, all while feeling the joy of being in the flow of receiving guidance from your inner wisdom for what you need and want, and then reaching out to express your gifts and experience meaningful and supportive connections and relationships.

I can’t wait to see what we’ll all create from our frozen energy!

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Mind-Body Coach Kelly C. Mullen started Whole-Self Wisdom Coaching to help those who feel exhausted stop all the doing and start being who they really are, so they can live a life with more ease, and make an impact in the world without compromising their health and ability to engage in meaningful and supportive relationships.  Whether it’s through private coaching, or facilitating workshops, she creates and holds a space for her clients to strengthen the connection to the four parts of themselves – mind, body, spirit, emotions – so they can connect to and trust that their inner wisdom will guide them into more ease, energy and engagement. You’ll find her at www.kellycmullen.com