However, the reason I natter on about it is this: Listening to your inner wisdom is actually one of the most important (if not THE MOST) elements of healing, stress-relief, and creating a life you truly love.

Learning to hear your inner wisdom, trust it, and follow it is the shortcut to everything you want.

It’s a seriously awesome life hack.

Got pain? Got stress? When you don’t know how to access your inner wisdom, you rely on others’ guidance, pressure yourself to do things the way others think you should, go against your gut, feel confused from all the conflicting information out there, and end up with tension, pain, and stress. You pressure yourself constantly and try to live up to your inner ideal, because you have no clear guidance from within to clarify what’s really right for you.

You get hooked on others’ approval because you have no other way of knowing if what you’ve chosen for yourself is “right.” Yet, everyone has different opinions, so you find yourself spinning from the various feedback – and, of course, it’s impossible to please everyone. Trusting your inner wisdom takes the pressure off and releases you from the approval trap. It releases tension and stress. It brings you back to self-awareness and knowledge about how to best care for yourself.

It is counter-culture to ask your inner wisdom before you Google it.

Even though I have learned to trust my inner wisdom, it took a long time to apply it to every aspect of my life. For nearly my entire adult life, I’ve bounced from one food plan to another, read a million diet and nutrition books, and generally felt completely lost about what to eat.

After researching nutrition for this many years, there’s only one thing I know for sure: pretty much all food is either good for you or bad for you, depending on your resource. Eggs – BAD! No wait, GOOD! Grains – GOOD! But only whole grains. No wait, now grains are the devil. Except in France, where white flour is perfectly healthy. Olive oil – GOOD! Except, don’t eat very much of it, because you should be focusing on coconut oil. Don’t eat meat. Do eat meat. Only eat organic meat. Mushrooms are the best thing, ever. No, actually, they are bad for your digestion. And, let’s not forget – gluten will basically kill everyone. Yet, I am willing to bet you a million dollars that in fifty years, gluten will be re-discovered as the most potent healing nutrient a person can eat.

To make it even harder, many experts will fervently explain to you why their food plan is really the ONLY healthy one, and all others are causing dreadful, deadly inflammation inside your body that can’t be seen, but is absolutely killing you. (This is why I love Dr. John Sarno, who has debunked hundreds of scary health issues, including inflammation, by using his highly effective TMS protocol.)

Finally, I started doing something radical: eating according to my inner wisdom. I’d had such success with pain-relief due to following my inner wisdom that I figured it might work. (Interestingly enough, it took me much longer to apply this to food than it did to physical pain – the result of so many years of brainwashing myself that someone else knew more about what I should eat than my own body.)

Now, when I hear nutrition advice, I filter it through my inner wisdom. Then, if it feels right, I try it, checking in with my inner wisdom the whole way.

I didn’t even think of parenting from my inner wisdom until my daughter was several months old. Then, I realized that all the parenting books, while somewhat helpful, were only useful if I started with my inner wisdom and then used them to figure out how the different pieces fit together.

Now that I’ve realized inner-wisdom is the key to everything, I treat every situation like this:

1. Check in with inner wisdom
2. Experiment with what it’s told me to do
3. Follow my inner wisdom to any new resources – which usually help me understand how the inner wisdom information was accurate and is working

This way of solving problems saves time, eliminates confusion, and keeps me grounded in myself. I’m certainly not perfect at it. I’m guessing trusting one’s inner wisdom is a life’s work and a pretty big part of this being human thing.

To get started, close your eyes and ask your inner wisdom this question:

What is your guidance for me today?

Then, listen quietly for a few moments. Sometimes you might hear a clear answer within yourself. Other times, it may take time for you to realize an inner knowing around a situation or issue. You might see images or hear short one-word answers at first. The more you ask the question and listen inward, the more you’ll understand the responses you get. It takes time to cultivate this new practice.

I get a lot of remarks from people that sound like this:

“I don’t know how you do what you do, or how you do all the things you’re doing!”

“You are so lucky!”

“How are you making that work?”

“You’re just magical, so it works for you.”

The truth is, I’ve just given you my big secret. I was forced to learn to listen to my inner wisdom, trust it, and follow it when I experienced years of chronic pain. (Which, trust me, did not feel magical or lucky at the time.) That was the only road that took me back to health. Then, I realized that’s basically the best life-hack for everything. I live my life completely backwards from the cultural norm. I check in with my soul before I research, take action, or try to figure something out with my mind. Quite often, I take action long before my mind understands why or what I’m doing.

A year ago, I moved from one city to another. I truly had no idea why. When people would ask, I had no clear answer. I had some ideas about what the reason might be, but they were just guesses. I was following my inner wisdom.

All I know is, when I listen to my inner wisdom, things work out for the best. I heal. I feel good in my body. I eat foods that give me energy and work for me. I live in cities that feel great for me and my family. I have success in my coaching practice. I enjoy my life. Things go well. I connect to my daughter in ways that feel right and good. I am able to create what I want most in my life.

Sometimes, people don’t approve of choices I make. Some of the experts would gasp in sheer horror. (I ate BREAD. And SUGAR.) I feel connected and approved of by the only person I really need approval from: me. My soul and I are aligned. And when we’re not, I know it’s because I’ve forgotten to listen to my inner wisdom instead of some outside source.

Listening to and trusting your inner wisdom creates an inner confidence that radiates into every part of your life. It’s the most powerful thing you can do for yourself, your body, your well-being, and your happiness.

The first few days, I noticed the urge to check Facebook arising frequently – in fact, I’d been much more conditioned in my mind to look at Facebook than I’d realized. Interesting!

As I broke myself of the habit, I replaced Facebook-checking with self-connection. Instead, I tuned in to myself, my body, my emotions, and my inner wisdom.

Let’s be clear – Facebook is not the culprit here. My ability to distract myself away from my inner world is my own issue, and I can use anything to do so. It just so happens that Facebook was a convenient way to ignore myself.

The biggest key to healing from Mind Body Syndrome/TMS is being present with one’s emotions. Having learned that so deeply when I was facing severe physical pain every day, I’m well aware that I can slip off into emotional avoidance with ease. I know that when I start avoiding myself, it’s time to start paying attention to my emotions and inner world.

Being present with one’s self isn’t just an effective way to heal the body. It’s also about healing the soul-connection. The more present you are, the more aware you are of your soul-wisdom, the more you trust its guidance, and the more grounded you are in following your own path through life. You’re less swayed by others’ disapproval, opinions, judgments, and manipulations and are steadier within yourself.

I caught myself avoiding emotions of loneliness, sadness, grief, and various other discomforts when I went on my Facebook Fast. So, I spent these last few months feeling all those things, and as a result, feeling far more connected to me, my family, and my soul.

Instead of checking Facebook when motherhood feels uncomfortable, now I just feel the discomfort of motherhood. Immediately following that I am able to connect to the wisdom within myself to make solid mothering decisions.

If you want to feel good physically, you must be willing to feel emotions. They aren’t always comfy. They are, however, essential. Emotions are here to show you the way back home to your soul.

I found my months without Facebook very centering and grounding. Now, I use the app infrequently, and I no longer use it to avoid myself. I have a healthy relationship with Facebook, myself, and my family.

What do you use to avoid yourself? Discovering your favorite avoidance trick can show you the path to healing. Put down the distractions more frequently and you’ll find yourself healing more quickly. Maybe you could use a Distraction Fast, too.

I feel much better now than I did a few months ago, even though I faced emotional discomfort along the way. It actually feels better to feel than to avoid feeling, in the end. And, the bonus is that I feel more present with my daughter and my husband. It’s pretty easy to use technology to distract or disconnect from presence, and yet presence is the very thing we crave in all our relationships. I’m always my best version of a parent when I’m present.

Give yourself and others a gift today. Put down the distraction and connect to the true emotions running under the surface.

Feel. Allow yourself to be present. True joy is waiting on the other side.

Maybe you’ve read Dr. John Sarno’s theories about TMS, or Tension Myositis Syndrome (also called Mind Body Syndrome by some people), and you really want to implement them into your healing process. This is a great idea, because many mindfulness and meditation-based mind-body healing methods, while extremely helpful, can’t quite take you to the finish line. I’ve found, for myself and for my clients, that Dr. Sarno’s work bridges an important gap between spiritual/holistic healing and Western medicine. It helps the mind understand how the mind itself can create and perpetuate physical pain (not consciously, of course!) and gives logical reasons and practical steps for people who are trying to embrace mind-body/spiritual healing but feel a little stuck.

The great news is, to implement the core and essential methods in Dr. Sarno’s approach, you only really need two things.

Your Mind-Body Shopping List

1. A pen
2. A notebook

That’s right – one trip to the dollar store and you are all set! Everything you really need is already inside of you, and mind-body healing is actually very simple. It can feel challenging, just because you are learning something new. And, you’re learning something that goes against much of what you’ve learned throughout your life about how the mind and body work together. (This was actually my favorite thing about Dr. Sarno’s work – it was so different and so striking that it felt freeing, and it gave me hope that I could truly heal.)

Once you’ve completed your shopping trip, here’s what you’ll want to do with your supplies.

Two to three times a day, stop what you are doing and ask yourself this question: What am I feeling emotionally right now?

Take a moment to check in with yourself, and be curious about what is going on in your emotional world. If you don’t feel anything right now, think back to the last hour or so, or last few hours. See what you may have been feeling recently, but weren’t aware of while you were busy with daily life.

Let yourself feel the emotion for a few minutes, without doing anything other than just noticing what it feels like to have that emotion right now.

At the end of the day, take ten minutes to write anything you noticed as a result of doing this exercise, as well as anything you feel you need to express.

This simple exercise is the root of all the mind-body tools, and is powerful enough to create pain relief all on its own. Really!

The mind often wants to complicate mind-body healing, but it always comes back to one thing: feeling emotions.

Dr. Sarno’s work is so groundbreaking because it describes the connection between pain in the body and suppressed emotion. In short, he explains that the unconscious mind tries to protect us from strong emotions that are a result of life pressures. It protects us from being vulnerable by keeping us unaware of the inner workings of the unconscious mind and our deepest emotions, conscious or unconscious. The mind has the ability to create a pain syndrome that, in essence, both distracts us from our inner emotional world and alerts us to an imbalance within the psyche – a call to connect inward, in a sense.

This one concept is the most important key to remember as you embark on your mind-body healing journey. It’s easy to forget, so you’ll want to come back and review it over and over again, on a daily basis, to help you stay on track.

When I decided to coach and help others with the application of mind-body healing techniques, I wanted to create enough resources to support people in all different situations. If you don’t feel like you have extra money right now, I want you to know that you can read my blog, (there are tons of past posts that will help you out!), use this simple tool from today, and get well. I’ve heard from many people who have done just that, without ever even signing up for coaching or programs (which can certainly be helpful, but there’s no need to feel stress if that’s not a possibility for you right now).

Most of all, I want you to feel encouraged and supported, however we cross paths. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know the challenges you have and are facing, and I also know that you can absolutely get well.

Every year, the Mind-Body Coaches in my Mind-Body Coach Training offer free coaching in order to gain experience. This is a great opportunity for you to get coached around everything I’ve described above! See the details below if you’re interested.

Abigail

Would you like free mind-body coaching? If you’re struggling with a pain syndrome, health, stress, or you’d just like to apply the mind-body tools to your life, now is your chance! The 2015 Mind-Body Coaches -in-Training are practicing their coaching skills, and we are offering YOU free coaching! If you would like to be added to our list of available clients for the coaches-in-training please fill out this form. (Opportunity ends 9/5/15.)

I’m afraid that this approach won’t work for me, and I’ll be the only one, ever, who fails at this.

I can’t find my emotions – I feel blank.

I’m afraid to feel my emotions, but I know I need to/have to in order to heal.

I’m researching all the TMS/Mind Body Syndrome/Sarno resources and now I don’t know what to do.

I feel like a big mess.

I can’t figure out what to do next on this healing path, and I feel like I’m not healing at all.

I have to do all these things in order to heal, but it’s completely overwhelming!

Ever had any of these thoughts? Today? Five minutes ago?

Let’s just start with this: These are all completely normal thoughts that come up for most of us who embark on a healing journey using the Mind Body Syndrome (TMS) approach.

The mind has a tendency to try to figure things out, get it right, and achieve a goal. In this case, that looks like trying to achieve pain-relief by getting the mind-body tools “right.”

Unfortunately, as noble as this goal is, it actually causes you much suffering and stress (and makes it harder to find relief). Trying to do things right is actually part of the self-pressure habit that creates stress on your system and results in pain.

Yeah, I know! Catch-22!

So, what the heck can you do about this?

Start by using this tool from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

Whenever you notice yourself caught up in thoughts like the ones above, say to yourself:

 “I notice I’m thinking….[fill in the thought here].”

This seems very simple and banal. It’s actually one of the most powerful things you can do.

By repeatedly noticing your thinking instead of actually getting tripped up by your thinking, you slowly create the ability to see past the scary thoughts.

Your inner wisdom starts to sneak in and help you discover what feels right for you in any given moment.

I don’t see any of the mind-body tools and approaches as “have-to’s” at all. When I’m working with my clients, I know that there’s at least a hundred ways to play this game, and what I’m looking for is what resonates the most with the individual client. We are all unique. We all learn differently. I see the tools (mine and others’) as a giant a-la-carte menu. Pick one item off the menu and eat it every day for a week. See how that tastes. Eventually, you’ll start to know which tools are your faves and which are most helpful for you.

One tool, used for a short amount of time each day and practiced regularly for a few weeks, will have a huge impact. It’s much more effective to do that than to try to do a whole bunch of things, overwhelm yourself, and feel stress.

Learning to feel emotions for the first time, learning to stay aware of the body, and listening to inner wisdom can all take some time. Those are really the basic components you need in order to heal, and there are lots of ways to approach those components.

The best approach for healing TMS is to keep it simple.

The thing is, a goal-oriented approach full of self-pressure and trying to do it right doesn’t work in this situation. It’s what we’ve learned to do, and how we usually achieve what we want. This is a time when you’ll start to learn a totally different way to arrive at something you desire. It’s more like sidling up sideways to what you want and accidentally falling into its lap. You can’t chase it, hunt it, or go after it. Instead, you really do need to relax into it and let it simply happen.

I know – that’s much easier said than done! The key is to get interested in what’s going on in your emotional world, your psyche, and your inner life – with gentleness and curiosity. Notice the different ways your mind pressures you each day, using the tool above. Just notice. That’s all! The more you notice, the easier it becomes to shift into new ways of treating yourself that don’t involve self-flagellation.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and worried, start with the tool above. You might also take one minute a day to notice your feet. Pay attention to the fact that you have feet (or hands, if your feet are in pain). This is a simple mindfulness practice that helps you begin to befriend your body again. You’re not “trying to do anything” with your feet – you’re just being aware that you have them.

You might have noticed that the trick to all this seems to be noticing! You’d be right.

Noticing is the antithesis of pressuring.

The more you just notice, without doing anything else, the more you can sidle up to pain-relief and fall into its lap.

This mind-body healing journey is not about doing more, doing it right, or succeeding. It’s about discovery and embracing gentleness toward yourself. Whatever you’re doing right now, even if it IS beating yourself up, simply notice and be gentle with yourself. Allow it all to be exactly as it is in this moment.

You can do this.

Abigail

P.S. Want help dealing with the overwhelm? Join the Kindness Community today and get ongoing support around using mind-body healing tools and taking the pressure OFF of yourself!

And, if you want to learn more about breathing (one of my fave basic tools!) for health and stress-relief, you may want to check out the info below. I studied basic breathwork with Kathleen and found it immensely helpful in dialing down pain. This is her first online training, which means you can take it from anywhere! I’m participating, as I want to go deeper into how to breathe to relieve stress and allow emotions to flow.

————————————-

Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator
Online Training

Expand your potential for personal and professional development. Whether you want to develop an in-depth personal breath practice, or train professionally, this 200-Hour Facilitator Training is designed for you.

Join Kathleen Barratt, founder of Barratt Breath Institute, and discover how to incorporate Barratt Breathwork into your professional practice. This foundational program complements and integrates with a wide variety of contemplative mind/body systems and is appropriate for both laypeople and professionals in various healing and self-development fields.

Online training tools, hands-on practicum, and live, online teaching sessions provide the theoretical and experiential framework for learning how to formulate and guide a progressive sequence of contemplative breath practices.

Having some exposure to breathwork, whether you have studied it or received breathwork sessions from a breathwork facilitator, is a prerequisite for this program.Upon successful completion, students will receive a Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator certificate.

This training is offered as a stand-alone program, as well as being a prerequisite for the Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator Graduate Program.

Self-kindness is the biggest healing factor in pain-relief, stress-relief, and connection to one’s soul and inner wisdom. It’s been my biggest struggle.

In my twenties, I went on diets constantly, I pushed myself to do more, more, more, was incredibly hard on myself, and I ignored anything my body had to tell me. In fact, I had no idea my body was even speaking to me.

I was depressed, in pain all the time, exhausted, and unhappy.

I remember once visiting an orthopedic surgeon for a consult about intense knee pain. At the time, I was on a strict diet, dealing with major stress in my life, over-exercising, pushing myself to succeed in my career, judging myself constantly about my abilities, and generally angry with myself. Gosh, it was such a mystery, that knee pain. I spent a lot of time going to doctors in those days. (Although, in that case, the knee doc looked just like George Clooney, so it wasn’t much of a hardship.)

Now, many years later and several thousand lessons later, I still often struggle with self-kindness.

Sometimes, I really suck at it. (Oh wait – that’s not exactly the kindest way to put that…)

My first go-to is often the same ol’ self-judgment, self-pressure, and ignoring-my-inner-wisdom habit.

Luckily for me, I teach self-kindness every day, all day. This forces me to be honest with myself about where I really am in the self-kindness spectrum. Every client I work with, every class I teach, and everything I write is pretty much Big Wisdom coming through for myself, not just for others. I never feel like I’m the one teaching or coaching. I feel like the translator just sharing wisdom, and I’m clear that my job is to listen and follow through on what I’ve learned each day.

This is actually pretty cool. The cure for pain syndromes, stress, and mind-body-soul disconnect is self-kindness. I get to experience that cure every day, even when I forget.

It’s pretty easy to forget to practice self-kindness. Self-kindness isn’t usually our first go-to when life happens. And, if your life is like mine, life happens every day. There are mistakes, lessons, discomforts, struggles, surprises, and more at any given moment. Self-pressure can sneak in like nobody’s business. Suddenly, you realize you’re being hard on yourself!

Here’s today’s homework: What can you do to remember to practice self-kindness? What would help you focus on this each and every day?

For me, the work I do is an automatic reminder. I also have a schedule that includes five minutes each day of the self-kindness practice I teach in the Kindness Community.  I also have friends who are willing to remind me to be kind to myself.

What would work for you? What are your ideas? Share below or on Facebook!

This is the ESSENTIAL focus you need each day if you want pain relief, stress relief, and a strong connection to your inner wisdom. As a bonus, you’ll also find yourself awakening more and more to your true nature and spiritual connection.

If you want reminders and support, how-to’s, and help around this self-kindness idea, hop on over to join the Kindness Community!

Abigail

P.S.  Having spent the last two weeks grieving the loss of my faithful furry friend and companion, Jackson, I wanted to share this fabulous resource with you, below, around grief and healing!

GRIEF & CREATIVITY SUMMER PLAYSHOPS!

The Creative Grief Studio are hosting an array of wonderful grief and creativity “playshops” this Summer, exploring different creative ways to express and transform grief through dream work, clay work, photography, journaling, collage, book-making, creative writing, guided visualisations, intuitive painting, mandalas, and more.

Great for a bit of introspection and creative exploration of your own grief from losses of any kind, or for coaches wanting to learn more creative tools for supporting grieving clients. Have a look and see what looks yummy to you, for a bit of play, creativity, and reflection this Summer…

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Gail Kenny

Learning to self-soothe and using it on a regular basis is one of the best ways to reduce stress and chronic pain. It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it and it becomes a habit that makes a significant difference in being able to more easily come back into balance when life gets challenging.

Anxiety on Top of Pain

I distinctly remember a time when I was really stuck in chronic pelvic pain. I had been experiencing a flare-up of pain for weeks that wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. I had anxiety in addition to pain which just made the pain harder to deal with. I thought that if the anxiety would just go away I could handle the pain.

Then I found the pelvicpainhelp.com website and spoke on the phone with Dr. David Wise, a psychologist who once suffered from chronic pelvic pain and who has found significant relief. His recognition of and familiarity with my suffering, and his kindness and optimism that his approach could help me was so reassuring that when I got off the phone my anxiety was gone and I felt quite a bit better!

We can learn to comfort  ourselves the same way through the practice of self-soothing. When we resist discomfort, anxiety can arise which makes the discomfort even more intense. Self-soothing can reduce anxiety and resistance to discomfort and significantly dial down pain.

How to self-soothe

1.  Notice when you’re worrying or obsessing about pain and consciously change your approach to it. Get a broader perspective by imagining you can take a step back from being in the middle of your pain and simply observe your experience of it instead of automatically reacting to it.
2. Accept that what you’re experiencing is hard, challenging, or uncomfortable. You might be feeling angry, scared or sad. Turn towards feeling the emotions about it and underlying it instead of resisting them.
3. Take at least three mindful breaths and focus on the physical sensations of the emotions while you let go of your story about the pain.
4. Feel the support you already have in the moment. It can be as simple as noticing you have plenty of oxygen to breathe and that gravity holds your body and allows it to rest against the ground or in your chair.  Find a place in your body that feels comfortable and focus there.
5. Then treat yourself as you would someone you love. Be compassionate. Surround yourself with love, have understanding and love for yourself in your situation. Reassure yourself as you would someone you love.
6. Imagine that you’re being held with a kind and loving hand on your back. Or put your own hand on the place in your body that feels uncomfortable and imagine you can channel unconditional love through your hand and receive it in your body.
7. Feel sympathy for the younger part of you who is worried, scared, or unsure. From your fully functioning adult-self, imagine that you’re comforting and reassuring the part of you who is distressed and sense what that part really needs in order to come back into balance. See your adult-self comforting the part of you who is suffering.
8. You can take this a step further and imagine that you have the complete attention, love, and support of a higher part of yourself, a mentor, or a spiritual guide. Imagine that they love you always.

An Example of Self-Soothing

I recently woke up with a sore back from stacking a load of firewood the day before. I noticed my mind starting to go into worry about a big pain flare up and the possibility of being in pain indefinitely. Because I’ve been practicing self-soothing and good self-care I quickly reframed my story about my discomfort and realized that I had lots of resources for calming my discomfort starting with accepting that I had discomfort. I took some time to relieve the myofascial pain by massaging sore spots with a ball against the wall. It really helped. Then I continued with allowing my body to feel sore and reassuring myself that I’m okay and noticing how I’m already being supported in the moment. As I felt the support of gravity holding my body to the earth and the support of the air already giving me plenty of oxygen to breathe I also imagined softening around the discomfort. Then I imagined surrounding myself with a kind and loving presence comforting me and reassuring me that all will be well.

Self-soothing helps relieve the resistance to feeling discomfort and allows you to be with feeling discomfort with a sense of also being comforted and supported. Then it’s not so scary. Then you can be present in your body to feel without blocking the experience. This allows you to also be present with emotional energy around the discomfort. Being with and witnessing discomfort allows it to be acknowledged and that’s what helps it to release and for you to return to balance and comfort.

Photo credit: Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

Last week, I was doing a little research while writing the blog post, How Your Inner Badass Spy Can Heal You. This research involved looking up “badass” in the Urban Dictionary. (Tough research, I know.)

The definition read, “ultra-cool motherfucker.” My eyebrows flew up, and I had to giggle to myself. My mind instantly sprang into action, creating images of myself wearing awesome sunglasses, dressed in something hip-hop-ish, (maybe? I have no idea what clothing is actually ultra-cool!), my hair in some kind of spiky, crazy ‘do, and playing  a part in an action/spy movie.

All of this could not be more different than who I am. In fact, in high school, I was known as an orch dork, short for orchestra dork. I spent nearly all my free time practicing the violin, which was my main passion. I also wrote a lot and won various writing contests. One time I was even in a science club for a while.

Nowadays, I’m generally known for my compassionate, kind approach to coaching and my gentle energy. I have trouble setting firm, solid boundaries with anyone. I’ve recently been raked over the coals lately as I’ve tried to learn how to say no to my toddler. (My two-year-old daughter is teaching me, with such brilliance, that I really must create clear, firm structure and guidelines for her.)

My biggest weakness has been bringing a firm, calm, and assertive energy to whatever I’m doing. I tend to slide into softness and passivity. I’ve been studying this all year, trying to really understand how to set kind yet firm boundaries, take good care of myself, and say no when I need to say no.

When I read that phrase, “ultra-cool motherfucker” and saw myself in that imaginary movie role, I felt a whole different energy rise up inside me. I can’t really be a major hard-ass, so this energy is probably like “ultra-cool motherfucker-lite.” It felt playful, strong, firm, clear, and assertive.

Ding! The lightbulb went on in my head. In a whoosh, I felt a whole new understanding drop into my brain.

This badass energy felt like a healthy expression of masculine energy.

In the past, I’ve experienced unhealthy manifestations of masculine energy; the expressions of masculine energy that cause Mind Body Syndrome (TMS):

• Pushing and forcing (overriding and ignoring the intuitive signals from the body)
• Self-pressure
• Striving and driving
• Overachieving
• Emotional suppression

These forms of masculine energy were my main living mode for many years.

The first time I had Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), I learned I had to open up to my feminine side and start allowing myself to:

• Listen to my intuition
• Fluidly follow my body’s guidance
• Allow myself to feel emotions
• Love myself

That helped immensely, and I went merrily on my way, pain-free. I’d gone from taking action in a very unhealthy masculine (or yang) energy style to taking action in a very healthy feminine (or yin) style.

However, as it is wont to do, my body spoke up again to help me learn even more. In 2012, I experienced another whopping Mind Body Syndrome. This time, I came to realize that the underlying life issue was no longer self-pressure/pushing. Instead, it was struggling to set boundaries, bring assertive energy to a situation when needed, and bouts of victim-thinking.

It was time to learn how to take action from a healthy masculine energy style. In fact, I had kind of dismissed masculine energy entirely. In that large oversight, I’d also failed to recognize that I had a tendency to take action from an unhealthy feminine energy whenever I really needed healthy masculine energy.

Unhealthy feminine energy looks like:

• Victim mindset
• Martyr syndrome and communication style
• Giving, giving, giving (not taking care of one’s self)
• Reactive emotional outbursts (instead of healthy emotional allowing/feeling)
• Wanting to be saved by others

Whenever I was triggered, confronted with a situation that required healthy masculine energy, or tired, I collapsed into unhealthy feminine energy.

My body was NOT having that imbalance.

In order to become pain-free again, I’ve had to work on how to bring a healthy masculine energy into the mix whenever I find myself collapsing into the unhealthy feminine energy. It’s been tricky. I find myself stepping on the gas too much or too little – either becoming too aggressive (hello family passive-aggressive communication patterns!) or completely lacking in any assertive energy whatsoever.

I’ve learned enough and implemented enough to have created health again, and I’m back to being pain-free. However, I’m still working on this one, because there’s so much to be gained from continuing to explore this.

I’ve been seeking the sweet spot: taking action from a balanced mix of healthy feminine and masculine energies, with either energy taking the lead when necessary.

Enter the badass inner spy I’ve been writing about lately. (See the first post in the series here.)

My inner badass spy is my alter ego. She’s strong, clear, firm, and assertive. She’s a part of me I’ve needed to fully own for a long, long time. She’s been hanging out in the shadows, speaking to me through spy novels and shows, showing me that it’s ok to bring a little badass spy to my style.

At first, writing about her was all about the ability to observe and notice. She’s got mad spy skills, so she’s helped me learn to observe myself without judgment.

What I did not see coming was this masculine energy revelation that smacked me in the forehead when I looked up “badass.”

My badass inner spy is about more than self-observation. She’s also the key to setting boundaries, saying no, being assertive, and that calm, firm healthy masculine energy I need. She’s strong. When I imagine her – when I think “she’s an ultra-cool motherfucker” – the energy I feel inside myself is the perfect answer to my struggles.

She’s not a victim.

She’s not passive.

She’s not taking things lying down.

She saves herself.

She’s the perfect partner to the intuitive, emotionally-aware, flowing feminine energy. The feminine energy keeps her from becoming too badass (ignoring her emotions and intuition) and she keeps the feminine energy from collapsing into victim/martyr yuck.

What happens in this sweet spot? When I call on my inner badass spy, I don’t take on others’ stuff.

I help and serve from a place of love, compassion, and health.

I actually take care of myself so that I’m able to be present and available for my family, my clients, and friends. I’m connected to my strength so that I can say no with firm clarity. I love others in a healthy way – not in an entangled, hidden-agenda way. I don’t over-give and create resentment/victim/martyr yuck within myself.

In an effort to really connect to my inner badass spy and her genius, I’ve been saying “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” to myself all week.

I’ve gotta say, I never imagined that I would use “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” as a healing mantra. Ever. That never crossed my mind. Not even once. I don’t even usually say that word, much less write it forty times in a blog post.

But – damn! The energy behind that phrase brings such a playful, strong, and clear feeling to my heart. I feel awesome. Whenever I say it to myself, I whip on my imaginary shades, feel strength flow in, and I’m immediately connected to healthy masculine energy.

For you, “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” may not do the trick. Mantras and affirmations are a personal thing. I have a hunch, though, that many of you run into the same struggles as I have, not being able to call up that assertive energy, over-giving, taking on others’ stuff, and finding your body protesting. If so, find your own inner alter ego. If you don’t resonate with an inner badass spy, then who is it inside of you who can give you the calm, firm, assertive energy?

Once you’ve thought about this and found your own version of my inner badass spy, you can try this exercise:

Ask Your Inner Badass

Step 1: Whenever you notice yourself feeling unsure about yourself, emotionally reactive, extremely hurt, or in any kind of victim/martyr resentful mode, take a moment to step back. Put on your imaginary shades. Imagine your inner badass, whoever he/she is. Really picture her for a moment. Call her into your current situation. Invite her out to play.

Step 2: Feel her strength and clarity within you. Imagine her actually taking up energetic space within your body and feel her way of seeing the world enter your mind. This is kind of the equivalent of Clark Kent entering the phone booth.

Step 3: Decide how to move forward now that you’ve called up your inner badass. (Aka, exited the phone booth as Superman.) Feel that new energy inform your actions, decisions, or even just your mindset. Have fun. Let this be a playful exercise.

Oh, and, please tell me all about your inner badass. What’s your killer mantra? I am dying to know what happens for you when you do this exercise! Join the convo on Facebook!

Abigail

Last week, I wrote a post about using spy skills to help relieve self-pressure and stress, and as a result, help you heal from Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). I gave you an assignment to do (if you choose to accept the mission) designed to help you own your inner badass spy, develop self-compassion and shift your thinking from “what I need to fix about me” to “I notice this about me.”

Notice how that’s just one step away from “I LIKE this about me.” Oh yeah! We’re getting close! Pretty soon you’ll be able to say the “L” word to yourself.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

And mean it.

If you’re dealing with Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), you probably know that Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, writes about specific personality traits that lead to the development of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). One of the biggies is constantly pushing yourself to do better and be better. (Does that sound like self-love? NO.)

This is the cause of MUCH stress and pain for many people who suffer from MBS/TMS. (This is why self-love is the antidote and ultimate healer.)

If you want to get rid of pain or symptoms, you’ve got to learn how to ease off the self-pressure and develop self-compassion.

If you’re feeling a tad persecuted and wondering why on earth YOUR body is forcing you to learn self-compassion while other people get to beat themselves silly, think again. In fact, there are many people who have MBS/TMS and don’t even know it.

For example, people who are putting all kinds of pressure on themselves around body image and diet are trying so hard to be good enough (both in how they look and their health) they are inadvertently causing high stress levels and suffering discomfort.

Scott Abel, author of The Anti-Diet Approach to Weight Loss and Weight Control, writes about a 2007 Australian study that showed “the desire to improve cosmetic appearance” was the reason for most food purchases among women aged 18-30 years. He says,

“This demographic is also the demographic who report the most digestive-related complications and issues: things like bloating, constipation, IBS, gluten intolerance, etc. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

All these things are interconnected within the diet-mentality mindset of cosmetic focus and the pressure all of that kind of thinking produces within you. Because the truth is the digestive tract is one of the key indicators and measuring sticks for stress. You don’t have food issues causing digestive issues – you have thinking issues and you stress about food – and these things are causing digestive issues. Only realization of the self- compassionate mind is going to reduce any or all of these psychosomatic symptoms.”

Having experienced this very thing myself, I can attest to the amount of stress diet-mentality creates, and how freeing it is to stop putting that kind of pressure on one’s self. I used to suffer a great deal from digestive issues until I discovered MBS/TMS and used the mind-body healing tools on myself. The body is always trying to teach us to be kind to ourselves.

I’ve often in my life put enormous amounts of pressure on myself to eat less and eat better. I’ve attempted many a diet. Inevitably, I end up deeply embroiled in a late-night romance with bags of potato chips and other such delicious items. The more I try to stop the overeating behavior, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I try to stop the behavior, and the louder my inner critic. The louder my inner critic and the harder the pressure, the more I overeat.

The only way off that train is to use self-compassion and its precursor – self-observation. (Which is the spy skill I taught you last week.)

Whether it’s eating or something else, whenever you find yourself entangled in a perpetual loop like the one above, you have to ease off the pressure.

Self-flagellation is not the answer.

It will only make things worse.

Putting pressure on yourself creates a catch-22. The more pressure yourself to be better, thinner, healthier, etc. through inner criticism and forced change, the more stress you create. In fact, you’ll find it HARDER to create change and will find yourself struggling MORE in whatever area you’re so eager to improve.

Recently, I found myself twisted up in this pattern with watching videos on Netflix. I felt really guilty about spending time watching Netflix. (Because the perfectionist part of my mind felt I should be more productive and not waste time watching Netflix.) The more I judged myself, the more I watched. The more I watched, the more I judged myself.

Then, I remembered that I’m a badass spy.

I pulled out my spy skill and started observing and noticing myself with curiosity.

The reason this skill is so super-effective is that it’s THE WAY to self-compassion.

As soon as I started noticing, I realized several things:

1. I’d been working intensely (and happily) for months, burning the creative engine. My mind wanted a rest.
2. Enjoying Netflix is not a major crime.
3. Nobody was being harmed in this Netflix activity.
4. I was having a lot of fun.
5. I’ve been in this cycle before, and I know it well. After creative spells, I need to enjoy some couch-potato, coma-like time. Sometimes for a few weeks. Then I’m ready to roll again.
6. I tend to forget to have frivolous, goof-off fun. Yet – this is one of the most healing tools for people who struggle with MBS/TMS and self-pressure traits.

There didn’t seem to be a great reason for my inner critic to attack me. As I kept observing, allowing myself to behave exactly as I was with no pressure to change, the tension dropped out of the situation. Netflix faded away when the time was right. I didn’t have to force anything. And, even more interesting, I found myself inspired and full of insights that had popped in my mind while I was watching those fun shows. (Yes, indeed, they were spy shows!)

While my mind was happily enjoying Netflix, my inner wisdom was guiding me to messages that gave me all kinds of new blog post ideas, insight into my own inner world, and more. (Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to get messages about life than through spy shows. What could be more fun?)

When I dropped the pressure and resistance (because anytime there’s pressure, there’s resistance), I was able to relax into life and enter into self-compassion.

So whether it’s potato chips, Netflix, or something else – whatever you’re telling yourself you have to change or do better/differently – STOP. Get out your #1 spy skill and observe yourself without judgment.

You might think this is the craziest idea, ever. LET yourself eat bags and bags of food without inner criticism? Why, that just might make you eat bags and bags of food! On no!

Except that, you already are.

See? It’s kind of tricky, because the mind is very convincing.

You might as well allow yourself to be as you are right now and reserve judgment. Instead, just notice. This is how I got out of the diet mess and found my body’s natural, healthy weight. It’s how I deal with everything that comes up involving self-pressure and stress.

Allow.

Allow things to be as they are.

Allow yourself to be as you are.

Gently move into self-compassion.

Change will emerge, blooming slowly and beautifully like a flower, nourished from the soil of self-love.

Why is mind-body healing like a spy novel? Simple. You get to be a sleuth, investigating and discovering, following the trail of clues about your inner world.

Eventually, you learn enough to put together a full picture of what’s going on within yourself. You see what patterns of thought and behavior are creating too much stress, and you’re able to take concrete action steps to shift those patterns. When you do, you end the war between mind and body. Your body no longer has to scream to get your attention (via pain or symptoms), and your mind no longer causes undue stress on the body through perfectionism, pressure, and suppression of emotion and truth.

The skills you need to apply the mind-body healing tools to your healing process are spy skills.

You have to learn to observe and notice, wait with patience, and conduct surveillance on yourself.

When I was a kid, I was deeply in love with Harriet the Spy, a novel by Louise Fitzhugh. I carried around a spy notebook and jotted down observations of family members. I could often be found hiding behind a couch, around a corner, or just outside an open window, spying away. (While this definitely honed my spying skills, I sometimes learned more than I’d bargained for/got in a lot of trouble from my parents.)

As an adult, my deep love of spying has not disappeared. I adore spy novels, spy TV shows, and spy movies. I like to think I have an alter ego who is a badass CIA/FBI agent with a tiny bit of super-hero in the mix.

I used to think this strange obsession was just a random quirk, and something I enjoyed outside of work time.

Then I realized that my spying skills were exactly what makes me a great coach, both for others and for myself. My alter-ego (let’s call her my Inner Spy) is happily at work with me, every single day, observing, noticing, and spying on everything and everyone. (But not in a creepy way, I promise.) My Inner Spy is paying attention to the clues that lead to more awareness of myself, my truth, and my inner wisdom.

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you need to change something about yourself in order to feel better. You might think you need to change something about who you are so that you can lose weight, heal, be successful, be happy, and be loved.

Nope.

That’s not how it works. To really heal your body and create true joy and peace, you have to actually know and understand yourself as you are. I don’t mean you have to understand why you are the way you are. I mean you have to understand that you ARE the way you are, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t change. In fact, you’re far more likely to make changes and grow if you completely allow yourself to be as you are, right now. In fact, if you can really, truly, actually love yourself right now, you’ll make all kinds of progress, whatever your goal.

So how in the heck do you actually not force change on yourself and simply love yourself? It sounds crazy hard, if not impossible.

You become a spy.

You shift from trying to create change to simply observing EVERYTHING about yourself with kind awareness.

Here’s a quick, easy way to apply this:

Whenever you notice yourself feeling bad about something (weight, health, success, etc.), go into spy mode. Grab a notebook. Start a list entitled “What I Notice.” Put anything you can think of on that list, such as emotions, actions, results you’re getting in your life, and thoughts.

Here’s an example:

What I Notice

I am feeling afraid right now.

I am thinking I’ll never heal.

I am putting pressure on myself to heal on a certain timetable.

I am thinking I’m failing my family if I’m not well.

I am thinking I should be 100% healthy all the time.

I just pressured myself to make a perfect dinner for my kids.

I just ate a bag of potato chips.

I’ve been hard on myself all week.

I’m feeling alone.

I’m thinking I’m not good enough.

Anything you notice goes on this list. You’ll notice you aren’t using judgment statements on this list. Simply observe what’s happening and reserve judgment.

Keep adding to this list, daily (or as often as you can) for a month. The only rule throughout the month is you can’t try to change ANYTHING that you notice about yourself. Then, step back and notice what all this noticing has done for you. I promise, you’ll be amazed.

You don’t have to anything other than notice throughout this month. There’s no other tool to use.

This is it. Seriously.

When you stop trying to create change and instead, become a spy, you allow for natural change to evolve, on its own.

When you take ALL the pressure off, you remove resistance. You remove struggle. You remove stuck-ness.

Tell me how it’s going here on Facebook! I’m so excited for you to meet your inner spy.

Abigail

P.S. Want to REALLY hone your spy skills? Learn how to love and accept your shadow and experience true self-acceptance in my upcoming in-person workshop, The Art of Alchemy. You’ll learn powerful spy tools you can bring into your daily life, and you’ll experience the magical healing powers of mind-body tools, nature, and even horses! Learn more here!

“I’m one of those people that loves to sign up for courses, workshops, teleconferences and the like.  I love to learn.  I always learn something if only a bumper sticker work of info.

However, working with the triple threat (TT) of Koelle, JVo and Abilgail was life changing. Horses are the best teachers but the choreography of the program between the TT’s and the horses was truly memorable.  I came away with many aha’s and am truly amazed at how thoughts shifted and changed, both while i was there and many days and months after the fact.  

The only requirement for working with them is to be breathing – they’ll take it from there.  You owe this to your hardworking, stressed out self…. Just do it.  ” 

-Lynn

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Deb Droz

Sometimes in our demanding, distracting, and busy lives, we forget to be our own sage, advocate, and friend.  To help you remember to come back to self-trust and love, make the following ‘love note to self’ your very own.

Dearest One,

Never sell yourself short in any aspect of your life…work, career, relationships, purpose. You are here for a reason and you are here as a gift.  You may not know all the twists and turns of how, but be curious about it, because as you live your life and look back as you live it, you will see the thread –  the sacred thread that is you – and all the meaning there is to your one wonderful life and all the lives you’ve touched over time. You are magnificent already…just carry that forward and let it ripen.

Laugh at your mistakes, at your self-perceived failings…they are stepping stones to learning more about the real you and success in your life – as YOU define it!

Let your brain be your friend, but not your only friend!  Your beautiful brain interprets so many things for you, but it can get a little wild sometimes.  It’s not so great when it’s being its over-critical or over-analyzing self – but really great if it’s saving you from walking down a dangerous dark alley or getting hit by a car!

Encourage your brain to love you and support you, to do the things it was meant to do translating all of your senses.  It is so, so smart in these ways, letting you taste the sweetness of life in food or drink or the sweaty forehead of a child you love, delight in the touch of a friend or a lover, relish the beauty of the sounds and sights of nature or a man-made movie, or take in the scents of freshly baked bread, fresh air, or bouquets of roses.

Remember, though, that it is your body that is sensing this raw data – the scent, the feel, the taste, the feelings.

Let your body be your wise guide because, after all, you live this exciting and mysterious and happy and sad life through that wonderful, delightful, messy body of yours.  Treat it well, nourish it, rest it, and let it feel.  Your body is the smartest part of you, guiding you to live wholly and authentically in this world.

Listen to what your body has to say – and if you do not know how, then it’s time to learn. It will be the most valuable tool you ever acquire, guiding you to…

Come back to center,
breathe,
feel deeply,
delight in your senses,
and, most of all…
follow your sacred path and relish your own magnificent brilliance.

Love You.

—–

Deb Droz is a Master Mind/Body Coach who loves to help women break free from their inner critic so that they can find greater trust in themselves, more contentment, and overall improved health. www.wholewellnessliving.com