by Endorsed Coach, Lorraine Faehndrich

In my experience, both personally and with the women I work with, emotions are almost always at the root of pelvic pain.

If they are not entirely responsible for the symptoms, they are contributing to them, or making it impossible to relieve them! And just to be clear, that does not mean pelvic pain is in any way your fault. It’s not, and you’re not doing anything wrong.

Here’s the deal.

We live in a culture that encourages us to suppress our emotions from day one. Our families, schools, religions…you name it. They are all set up to punish our expression of emotion and reward suppression.

And this is particularly true for women.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

• Don’t be so difficult.
• You’re too emotional.
• She’s such a bitch.
• Why can’t you just be happy?

We’ve all experienced this in one way or another, as children or adults. If we aren’t directly shamed or punished for expressing emotions, we’ve certainly been rewarded for not showing them.

After all, little girls are supposed to be “sugar and spice and everything nice,” right?

Umm. Wrong.

The truth is that we have emotions and we have them for good reasons, but our brains learn early on that it’s a lot safer for us if we don’t feel them.

As a result, we learn unhealthy strategies of dealing with our emotions. For instance, we unconsciously tense and contract the deeper muscles in our body, and we hold our breath so we can’t feel emotional energy. Or we keep ourselves distracted with activities like spending hours on the internet, binge watching our favorite shows, overeating, and massive To Do lists – all to help us avoid being present with emotional sensations in our body.

There are lots of problems with this, but the main one is that it’s impossible to relax muscles that are contracting 24/7 to protect you from feeling your emotions.

Depending on where the muscles that you’re contracting are, you can end up with….migraines and headaches, back or neck pain, hip or knee pain, or pelvic pain, including vulvar pain and burning.

If you’re suffering with pelvic pain, or you’ve been diagnosed with pelvic floor dysfunction, it’s very likely that one of the ways you’re unconsciously suppressing emotions is with chronic contraction of the muscles in your pelvic floor.

Chronically contracted pelvic floor muscles cut off circulation of blood, nutrients, and oxygen to the skin and nerves in the pelvis. This can not only lead to pain, burning, or inflammation, but also issues with sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. It can also contribute to chronic yeast or bladder infections, issues with elimination and urination, and difficulty during birth.

When your pelvic floor muscles are chronically contracted to suppress emotional energy, no amount of stretching, massage, visualization, physical therapy, medication, or other treatments will permanently relax them. To do that you’ve got to learn how to welcome emotions in your body…so the muscles don’t tense up in the first place.

Are your emotions impacting your symptoms?

One way to determine if there is a connection between the way you’re processing emotions and your pelvic pain symptoms, is to start noticing what happens to your pelvic floor muscles when you feel stressed, anxious, angry or afraid.

If your pelvic floor muscles tense when you’re in a stressful situation – or when you feel overwhelmed, angry, sad, or fearful – it’s a good indication that the way you’re unconsciously processing emotion is impacting your pelvic floor and contributing to your symptoms.

Or, if you can’t tell if your pelvic floor muscles are contracting or not, because you can’t feel them, that’s also an indication that there may be an emotional root to your pain.

If your emotions are impacting your pelvic floor, lasting relief will only come when you learn new ways of welcoming and processing your emotions.

You need to re-train your brain that your emotions are safe to feel.

The good news is that that is very doable.

Start by paying closer attention to your body.

Which of your muscles regularly feel tense? Which ones feel relaxed? What happens in your body, and your pelvic floor when you are under stress – emotional or otherwise?

I invite you to begin becoming more aware of yourself and your emotions.  It’s completely non-invasive and the side-effects are all positive!

Reclaiming your emotions will not only allow you to relieve pelvic pain, it will impact your life in many other wonderful ways!

If you’d like guidance and support welcoming your emotions and re-training your brain, to relieve pelvic pain, I go in depth into those topics in the Healing Female Pain program. The next session begins soon!

Lorraine Faehndrich is a Women’s Mind Body Mentor and Pelvic Pain Relief Coach specializing in the relief of female pelvic and sexual pain.  Through her company Radiant Life Design, she empowers women with the skills, information, and support they need to understand the connection between their mind and body, allow their emotions, access their inner wisdom, and go on to live radiantly healthy joy-filled lives!

If you’d like to learn more about a mind body approach to relieving female pelvic pain – visit www.radiantlifedesign.com or download her free e-book 7 Reasons You’re Still In Pain.

I remember the moment I made the decision to stop struggling against my body.

Lying on my bedroom floor feeling frustrated, angry and alone, I realized that there was no way I was going to relieve pelvic pain until I made some kind of peace with where I was.

For far too long I had been frantically searching for solutions. Going from doctor to doctor. Worrying I was never going to enjoy sex again. Angry that no one knew what was going on, and feeling somehow damaged or defective.

I could feel how much stress, tension, and anxiety all of this was causing in my body and my life.

I was 100% focused on what I did not want.

So, I made a decision to do something radical.

I decided to stop.

Seriously.

I decided to make peace with my symptoms and the impact they were having on my life…

With the fact that sex hurt.

With the fact that I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted to wear, or do the exercise I wanted to do.

With the fact that the intense burning pain almost never went away, and was seriously impacting my ability to enjoy everything in my life, including parenting my amazing daughter, and doing work that for the first time in my life I was excited about.

And something amazing happened. Though the pain didn’t magically go away, an emotional weight lifted off my heart.

I felt at home inside my own skin again, in a way I hadn’t in months.

And, more than that, I discovered that my body had a lot to say to me!

Looking back, I can see that this choice is what allowed my body to heal.

And after years of helping hundreds of women relieve every type of chronic pelvic and sexual pain, as well as other chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, depression and other symptoms, I have come to see that the single most important thing you can do to relieve pain, heal your body, or change anything in your life that isn’t the way you want it to be, is to drop your resistance to it.

Let go.

I promise you. It’s possible.

What you resist persists, and pain is no exception.

When you’re struggling against where you are. When you believe thoughts that your life is over or that you’ll never be able to enjoy your life again, not only do you miss the blessings, guidance, and opportunities where you are, you create a whole lot of stress, tension, and anxiety in your body…things that make it impossible for your body to heal.

Of course, accepting where you are isn’t necessarily easy. Especially when you’re in pain, feeling stuck, trapped, and hopeless – and your symptoms are limiting your life in ways that make you feel as though your life is basically over…like you’re missing out.

But it is possible, and it can be as simple as a decision to accept where you are, just for now, and see what happens.

“You are where you are and you can get to wherever you want to go from where you are.”  ~Abraham-Hicks

Dropping the struggle and relaxing into where you are relaxes your body and your nervous system, connects you to your inner wisdom, and allows you to find and tune into the guidance you need from your body to heal.

Not only that, it allows you to get your focus off your symptoms and onto other things…including things you actually still enjoy. Which further relaxes your nervous system, decreases tension and stress, and allows you to feel better emotionally even before the symptoms are gone.

It moves you out of a vicious negative downward spiral of pain, fear, stress, tension, pain, fear, stress, tension; and into an upward positive spiral of peace, relaxation, relief, joy, peace, relaxation, relief, joy.

In my case, dropping the struggle, allowed me to start finding new ways to be with my body and find what did feel good again.

For example, I discovered that I actually could enjoy sex and intimacy when I honored my body, communicated with my partner, and made space for creativity and play. As a result, sex got way better and so did my relationship…even before my pain went away.

And, slowing down and honoring my body, making fewer plans and taking time to go inside actually expanded my world rather than contracting it.

Your body is ALWAYS on your side.

Sometimes it’s not immediately apparent how.

It may be that it’s stopping you from doing things the usual way to nudge you onto a different path, to help you expand your possibilities and tap into your full potential.

When you are in “fix it” mode it’s impossible to be open to those nudges.

Here are some things making peace with my symptoms helped me to do…

• Understand my body.
• Speak up.
• Honor my truth.
• Put myself first.
• Say no.
• Create healthy boundaries.
• Learn new ways of experiencing pleasure.
• Improve communication with my partner, and other people in my life.
• And more…

Some of those things were hard for me to do.  I never would have done them if my body wasn’t literally demanding the change.  I see this over and over again with the women I work with.  When they truly drop the struggle, they are amazed at what they discover inside themselves.

“Now is just the jumping off place for the beginning of your journey.” ~Abraham-Hicks

I invite you to consider the possibility of making peace with where you are.

It just may be your first step to lasting relief too.

Lorraine Faehndrich is a Women’s Mind Body Mentor and Pelvic Pain Relief Coach specializing in the relief of female pelvic and sexual pain.  Through her company Radiant Life Design, she empowers women with the skills, information, and support they need to understand the connection between their mind and body, allow their emotions, access their inner wisdom, and go on to live radiantly healthy joy-filled lives!

If you’d like to learn more about a mind body approach to relieving pelvic pain – visit www.radiantlifedesign.com or register for Lorraine’s upcoming popular free class, Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen an amazing article I shared recently about postnatal care in France called, “Why French women swear by cooch coaches.”

In it the author states, “America doesn’t have a standard postnatal vaginal reeducation program because, in this country, not only does the system treat women’s health as an afterthought, but our culture has straight up vilified the vagina. Women in this country are taught that our vaginas look bad and smell bad, that periods are gross, and that, if we want our private parts to bounce back post-childbirth, we’ll need expensive vaginal rejuvenation surgery—because now it’s even grosser than it was before! But given that last year was the so-called “year of the period,” in which menstruation was celebrated like never before, perhaps this year we can take a cue from the French and finally treat postpartum vaginas as the national treasures they are. In France, postpartum vaginal care is considered a medical necessity, not a vanity project.”

Yes we have straight up vilified the vagina (and vulva).  And honestly, what is up with that?  This is an important part of our body we’re talking about.

The fact that France offers comprehensive postnatal care for ALL women is incredible, and in my opinion, we absolutely should too.

But here’s the thing.

The really important take away from this article for me was that France has an overall culture of CARE, respect and appreciation for the VAGINA…..reflective of a culture of care, respect and appreciation for women’s sexuality – and women in general.  And we don’t.

And speaking of France’s culture of care and respect for women’s sexuality, I just read this piece of amazingness yesterday…. “How a 3D clitoris will help teach French schoolchildren about sex.”

Beginning next month France will be using a 3D model of the full clitoris in sex education classes for primary and secondary level! They are going to give school children accurate information about female sexual anatomy – something that in my experience most women and men in the US still don’t know.   In fact it is not taught in our medical texts. (It was in the 1800s by the way, but it’s been removed.)

Yay France! Thank you for the amazing example you set.  May we all follow your lead soon. (Though I’m not holding my breath!)

Here’s my favorite quote from this article:

“Understanding that they have an erectile system just like men, I think women will start to experiment more. They will understand that pleasure is not some magic that only a partner knows how to give.”

What a concept!

Contrast this with the US where our medical system does not care for, respect or appreciate the vagina – at any point in a woman’s life really, where girls and women are kept in the dark about their capacity for pleasure, and where shame is instilled every step of the way around our bodies and sexuality – through our education, medical system, religion, family, and media.

If you’re living in the US (or most places in the world besides France!) you have more than likely been cut off from your vagina whether you know it or not. It’s so common it seems normal.

It is not normal.

It’s time for a change.

Since it’s not likely that our schools or health care system are going to change anytime soon. It’s going to have to be an inside job.

It’s pretty hard to relieve pelvic pain or discomfort if you don’t like your vulva, or you’re carrying around unconscious messages that sex is dirty, or that your own sexual energy is dangerous or shameful. It’s completely understandable, but these old and often unconscious attitudes contribute to pelvic floor tension, chronic pain, discomfort, and decreased desire.

Not to mention low energy, anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, and lack of joy and enthusiasm for your life!

You deserve to love every inch of your body and feel completely relaxed and at home inside your own skin. And it’s important to your health, wellbeing, and overall joy, confidence and success that you do!

Because no matter how young or old you are, no matter what experiences you have had up until now around your sexuality, if you are a WOMAN – there isn’t anything more important to your health, your confidence, your relationships, and your ability to fulfill your dreams and enjoy your life than reclaiming a healthy positive relationship with your sexuality – FOR YOU.

Be like France.

Cultivate an internal culture of care, respect, and appreciation for your vulva, your vagina, and your sexuality.

In my experience, if you’re a woman, there isn’t anything more worth spending time on.

It is my hope that at some point soon, education and health care will follow our lead.

Until then, it’s up to each of us to do the work to reclaim a positive, healthy relationship with our own amazing vagina.

Lorraine Faehndrich is a Women’s Mind Body Mentor and Pelvic Pain Relief Coach specializing in the relief of female pelvic and sexual pain.  Through her company Radiant Life Design, she empowers women with the skills, information, and support they need to understand the connection between their mind and body, allow their emotions, access their inner wisdom, and go on to live radiantly healthy joy-filled lives!

If you’d like to learn more about a mind body approach to relieving pelvic pain – visit www.radiantlifedesign.com or register for Lorraine’s upcoming popular free class, Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain.

Our natural tendency when something is wrong, especially something with our body, (like pelvic pain) is to retreat into and rely on our mind.

Which makes perfect sense not only because we’ve been taught to value our intellect and our problem solving abilities over our body and intuition, but also because when we’re experiencing pain it doesn’t feel very good in our body! 

We see our body as the problem. It’s broken and it needs to be fixed.  Or so we think.

When we’re in chronic pain it can be scary.  It’s completely normal to worry about the future, obsess about our symptoms, and do everything we can to figure out how to heal.

And we’re good at figuring things out.  At least we have been up until we started struggling with pelvic pain.  So, we spend hours researching on the internet, looking for solutions, making plans about what to do next – which specialists to see, what diet to eat, which drugs to take.  Our time becomes filled with scheduling and keeping appointments.  It’s exhausting and all consuming.

We work so hard at finding a solution to our pain because we believe that if we try hard enough and think long enough we’ll be able to fix it.  We’ll be able to figure it out and get out of pain. 

Unfortunately this approach is not usually effective.

From Pelvic Pain to Pelvic Health – My Story

I had just returned from yet another visit with a doctor who had no idea what was wrong with me.  But, even though my tests were normal, this doctor at least had a recommendation about what to do.  But could I really handle antibiotics for a year?

Wouldn’t that be incredibly bad for a woman who had just gotten over a year’s worth of chronic yeast infections?  I knew I could not go through that again, especially on top of the pain I was in now.  I couldn’t even imagine it.  Whatever I was going to do I was pretty sure antibiotics were not an option.  And I was equally sure that the doctor who suggested them was not going to be able to help me.

But then what? I could see no other options.  No direction.  No specialists I knew of to see.  I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and scared. Not to mention hopeless and alone.

I took a deep breath, and in that moment I realized how completely at war I was with my body and myself. 

Months of going to doctors and trying everything else I could think of (acupuncture, herbs, diet changes, etc.) had led me to a state of complete disconnection.  I had been trying so hard to figure out what was going on so I could fix my body, or find someone who could, that I had completely neglected to take the time to tune into myself, and my bodies innate power to heal.

Luckily by the time I was in this situation, suffering with pelvic pain, I had already had some very powerful experiences with healing my body and relying on it as a guide in my life.  Up until now, for the most part, I trusted my body.  I had followed it’s guidance and direction successfully on many occasions – in my work, with my health, in parenting, and in my life in general.

And, one thing I knew for sure was that the struggle I was feeling with my body right now was in NO WAY going to help me relieve my pain.  

So, now faced with this intense chronic burning pain in my vulva, and no doctor or alternative therapy I knew of that could help, I did the one thing I knew I could count on.

I let go of the struggle and decided to let my body lead.

I made a conscious choice to stop frantically looking for answers from doctors who had no idea what to do.  I would stop searching for answers outside myself and turn my attention inside, where I knew the answers always were.

I’ll admit there was a part of me that was skeptical that listening to my body could get me out of this pain, but the alternative was not working.

So, I took a deep breath and sank into my body.  I imagined filling up my heart with pure love energy and sent that love down to the pain. I asked my body what it needed.  What I needed.  What the heck was going on?

My body had lots of answers. 

My body helped me to see things that were happening in my life that I hadn’t been aware of, but that were leading to pelvic pain.  It showed me how scared I was of expressing my true desires, especially sexually, and how I had been putting my partners needs first in so many areas of our relationship.  It told me that I needed to speak up more and be more authentic – as scary as that felt.  Over the next few months, my body guided me to the places in me that still needed healing, including to the effects of childhood sexual abuse that until then I had been in complete denial about.

The decision to let me body lead, began my process of healing pelvic pain by healing the mental and emotional issues that were underlying it.  A process that was guided by my body – and my willingness to keep tuning in, listening, and applying the guidance I was hearing.

My symptoms began improving, and were completely gone within months.

How To Apply My Experience To Relieve Your Pain

If you’re struggling with pelvic pain right now, and you’re stuck in your mind trying to figure it all out, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, and scared, it’s time to check in with your body.

Start with a few deep breaths into your low belly and down into your pelvis.  Settle into your body with an open heart and a willingness to listen.  Fill yourself with love and send some to your symptoms – to your vulva, your bladder, your whole pelvic bowl.

Ask these questions:

What do you need?
What do I need?
Is there something you want me to know?

Then listen.

Be patient.  If you aren’t used to connecting to your body or don’t have practice trusting it’s guidance, it may take a little time to re-connect and hear it’s messages.  But that’s ok!  Just get headed in the right direction….

Inward rather than Outward

And you will get there too.

Lorraine Faehndrich is a Women’s Mind Body Mentor and Pelvic Pain Relief Coach specializing in the relief of female pelvic and sexual pain.  Through her company Radiant Life Design, she empowers women with the skills, information, and support they need to understand the connection between their mind and body, allow their emotions, access their inner wisdom, and go on to live radiantly healthy joy-filled lives!

If you’d like to learn more about a mind body approach to relieving pelvic pain – visit www.radiantlifedesign.com or register for Lorraine’s upcoming popular free class, Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain.

You’re not broken, defective, or in any other way to blame.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Almost every woman I’ve talked with that has pelvic or sexual pain, thinks it’s somehow her fault. I hear over and over again from my clients that they feel defective or broken, for one reason or another. They think they’re doing something wrong or that there’s something deeply and irreversibly wrong with them.

That’s how I felt when I was in pain.

It’s not surprising really that we feel this way.

As women we are living in a culture that makes us wrong at every turn. We are taught from a very young age that our experiences and our bodies are wrong.

From a medical system that has a total lack of understanding of female sexuality to a masculine based culture that subordinates, shames and rejects the feminine at every turn.

We are round pegs trying to fit ourselves into square holes – all day long every day.

Curvy, soft, beautiful, magical, feminine round pegs.

Angular, rigid, uncomfortable, masculine square holes.

Our whole lives.

In order squish ourselves into this square hole, all day every day; we have to learn how to disown our authentic experience. If we were conscious of how it actually felt in our body to do this, it would be completely intolerable. There’s no way we’d be able to do it.

So our brain helps us out by keeping all of those feelings – all of that discomfort – out of our conscious awareness. (Except when it leaks through as resentment, anxiety, depression, fatigue, chronic headaches, chronic pain, etc.).  That way we can do it.

We get pretty darn good at fitting into square holes.
 
Successful even!!!

Women with pelvic pain often have achieved big success (according to society’s standards) in lots of ways in their lives or relationships. We may get straight As, and several degrees, do great work, meet and marry good men, have beautiful children, become amazing friends, or overall do (or at least try to do) everything right.

At least until we can’t. (more on this later)

The problem is that, even when you’re “succeeding” you’re still squishing yourself into that small square hole.  You’re succeeding according to society’s expectations – not according to your own soul.

And most likely you have no clue that you’re doing it!

In fact, you may come to think that you are supposed to be a square peg. After all, you have no model in your experience of what a successful round peg (a successful woman in her feminine power) would look or feel like.

So you just don’t know that all day every day you are……..

• Trying to fit your sexual experiences into what a masculine culture (including media, religion, and the medical system) tells you they should be.
• Trying to exercise and diet your perfectly gorgeous body into a model of perfection and beauty created by men and photo shop.
•  Trying to meet impossible cultural standards that don’t work for you around partnership, family, parenting, and work.
• Putting everyone and everything in your life ahead of you and your needs – your children, your work, your partner, your pets, your family, your friends, your community, the laundry, the dishes, the food shopping.
• Trying not to be too emotional (because that would make you crazy, weak or a bitch – or a crazy, weak, bitch!).
• And trying desperately to be good and do all of this perfectly –the way everyone else says you should.

Double Ouch.

It’s very likely that you aren’t aware of the extent of this problem or how it effects you, because in large part you’ve learned how to dissociate from yourself, from your body, from your emotions and your truth so that you can meet all of these expectations (round peg…..square hole).

But now your pelvis is letting you know that it’s not working.

Whether it’s your vulva, your vagina, your bladder, your colon, or your pudendal nerve, your pain is stopping you dead in your tracks.

It’s basically saying, “Um. Excuse me. This IS NOT WORKING!”

Actually, it’s way past “excuse me”. “Excuse me” was back with the minor aches and pains, the mild fatigue and anxiousness.

Now your body is at the point where it’s only option really to get your attention, is to shut the whole thing down. Stop you dead in your tracks and get you to pay attention.

No more pushing yourself past your authentic experience and through stuff that isn’t working for you, at least not if you want to relieve your pain. No more ignoring your truth, suppressing your desires and emotions, pretending you’re a square peg that fits perfectly into a square hole.

You are not.

Even if according to external appearances and standards you have successfully squashed yourself into that square hole.

Your body is letting you know that it’s time for a change.

It’s time to let yourself be that curvy, gorgeous round peg……or whatever particular shape your peg is meant to be.

And here’s the thing…..the only way you’re really going to be able to discover YOUR authentic truth is through YOUR BODY. So, that means…..as difficult as it may understandably seem…..you’re going to have to come back into your body, learn it’s language, and allow it to lead.

Your pain is actually helping you do that – even if you can’t see it right now.

If you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, or this sounds overwhelming, don’t worry!

I remember being so in my head, so intellectual, and so disconnected from my body and feminine energy that I couldn’t even wrap my head around the concept of my truth. How I thought could anyone sort out any kind of truth or intuition from the swirling, raging, spin cycle of thoughts in their mind.

So, if I can do it you can do it.

You can learn how to measure what’s right for you by how it FEELS to you. You can learn how to discover and honor your truth – about your sexuality, your health, your self-care, your work, your family, and everything else in your life.

And when you do the sense of freedom you will have will be INDESCRIBABLE.

You will have extracted yourself from that square hole.

As you come back into your soft, curvy, feminine form, magic will begin to flow through you and into your life. Things will start to work out. Your body will heal. The anxiety, depression, fatigue, and pain will go away.

And it will all be because your pain led (or ok, forced) you there.

Believe it or not, there may very well come a day when you will be twirling in the sun, arms wide open, giggling for joy grateful for what your pain has taught you…..and helped you do.

It’s leading you to FREEDOM.  And it may not settle for anything less.

I know now that pelvic pain was not my fault. I am not and never was defective. I had not done one thing wrong. I wasn’t in any way to blame, and neither are you!

Your body is leading you to something more, something better. It’s letting you know that you have a whole lot more potential than you have been taught to believe. It’s letting you know that you’re squished into a square hole and that there is a much, much better option!

Your symptoms don’t necessarily mean that something is wrong, they very likely mean that something is right.

You’re body is responding exactly the way it’s meant to respond. It’s not broken or defective – it could be the only honest thing in your life!

It’s trying to show you your truth, your individual feminine truth. It’s reconnecting you to your energy, your sensuality, your power, your creativity, your joy, and your magic, magic that is desperately needed on the planet right now.

I believe this with every fiber of my being because I see it every day with the women in my groups and private programs.

I see women who are in all consuming pain, learn how to reconnect to their body, allow their emotions, discover their truth, learn how to honor themselves – and relieve their pain.

And in the process they learn that something is very very right about them.

I asked some of my current and former students and clients for their thoughts on this last week and was overjoyed by their positive responses! Here’s one to give you an idea…..

“I don’t think I could ever fully describe how I feel or what all I have learned that has gotten me to this most awesome place in my life. All I can say in response to your post is, yes, yes, yes! I had always felt since I was little that I was meant for great things, and now that I have done some of the work and have learned so much, I can now see that anything is possible, and I’m so excited to find out what that is…When I look back I feel like up until the pelvic pain started that I was asleep, and now I feel like I’m coming alive into this awesome new person.”

What if your pain is here to help you come fully alive?

Maybe there is a part of you that knows that none of this is or ever was your fault, that you haven’t done one thing wrong, that there isn’t actually anything wrong with you…..and there never was.

You’re not broken, far from it.

I invite you to tune into that part of you.  My hunch is she’s in there, and she’s oh so ready to say YES! YES! YES! and help you find your way back to you.

Lorraine Faehndrich is a Women’s Mind Body Mentor and Pelvic Pain Relief Coach specializing in the relief of female pelvic and sexual pain.  Through her company Radiant Life Design, she empowers women with the skills, information, and support they need to understand the connection between their mind and body, allow their emotions, access their inner wisdom, and go on to live radiantly healthy joy-filled lives!

If you’d like to learn more about a mind body approach to relieving pelvic pain – visit www.radiantlifedesign.com or register for Lorraine’s upcoming popular free class, Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain.

When I got pregnant, I was a little nervous about a lot of things. You know, impending motherhood, the major life transition ahead, giving birth, etc.

I was really nervous, however, about pelvic pain. I tried to pretend I wasn’t, because, well, denial comes naturally. However, I couldn’t ignore the small voice in my head that reminded me of the years of pelvic pain I’d endured in my early twenties. Even though I hadn’t had pain in ten years, the past haunted my mind.

Would I create a vulvodynia recurrence by giving birth?

Would interstitial cystitis flare up when I had my baby?

Would pelvic floor dysfunction return?

These thoughts crept in, and I tried to just shake them off. I knew that vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis were simply mind-body syndromes, or TMS, and that I had a deep understanding around  those syndromes. My pelvic pain in my twenties had nothing to do with physical causes and everything to do with how I dealt with my inner emotional world. It would be ok, because giving birth is a totally normal activity.

I prepared for the birth process in great depth. Partially motivated by the fear I was trying to shove under the carpet, I researched everything I could find about mind-body techniques for birthing. I got really into it. I spent months preparing myself, because I didn’t want to use drugs during the birthing process unless necessary. This was not a decision based on anything other than my own connection to my body, spirit, and heart.

I did an outstanding job preparing for natural childbirth. I pulled out all the stops. I was committed. I had a clear intention of what I wanted and I planned to create it. I believed deeply in caring for myself in this way and creating the birth experience I wanted for myself and my baby.

In the meantime, I forgot one tiny thing. I forgot to feel and allow my fear. I forgot to acknowledge that I had been through years of pain and now I was going to squeeze a large baby through that very place where I’d felt so much pain. OF COURSE it was scary! No matter how many pain-free years I’d lived, it was still a scary thought. (I’m pretty sure even women who have not had pelvic pain find giving birth a tad frightening.)

And, just like that, I fell into my old habits of emotional suppression. I denied that fear, and I denied a slew of other emotions that were swirling around inside me as I prepared (ha ha!) for motherhood.

Mind-Body Syndrome/TMS sufferers have to be on the alert for this pattern, because it is so unconscious that it can sneak-attack at any time. This is why mind-body healing is a lifestyle. It’s a bit like quitting drinking. Sometimes, one drink can pull you back into the vortex. One large act of emotional suppression can suck you back into the unconscious place of Mind-Body Syndrome. I have a lot of tools I use to stay present and aware of my emotions, because I know this tendency exists within me.

Even so, I simply failed to realize I was back in old patterns. So, what happened? The inevitable. I did, indeed, suffer a mind-body syndrome after giving birth. Here’s the fascinating part: the syndrome is smart! It did not recreate pain in the vulvar area or bladder, because I would have been totally onto that immediately. Instead, it created a NEW pain, in the tailbone area that was just convincing enough to keep me confused for a few months. Did I hurt something in childbirth? During pregnancy? What was wrong with my body?

To make matters more confusing, I did actually have a separate injury, (an anal fissure) in the same region, and it was a bad enough injury to require surgery. This is how tricky and impressive mind-body syndrome can be – it shows up in convincing spots!

I tell you this to illustrate the awareness required to create well-being when you suffer from mind-body syndrome tendencies. Here I was, ten years of experience under my belt, and still I didn’t see it happen as I fell into my old patterns.

I’m not judging myself here, mind you. I’m simply showing you how it all works. I’m actually, strangely, at peace with the tailbone TMS, or the Year of the Ass, as I call it. I learned so much from it that I emerged a much better coach, a much more effective support for others with TMS tendencies, and a new humility that can only be good. I can see that it was necessary for me to receive the wake-up call I got in my postpartum experience.

On top of that, I learned some pretty amazing things about kindness, love, and care for my pelvic region. I now honor, respect, and admire everything it’s done for me, the pain it’s been through, and the wisdom it has shared with me. Instead of avoiding thinking about it and wanting to put the past behind me, I now embrace my pelvis and listen closely to any whispers of insight it’s sharing with me on a daily basis. Now, I sit here pain-free yet again, but with a much deeper awareness of myself, my body, and the work I do with others.

You know what’s funny?

The natural birth process actually went perfectly. I gave birth to my daughter, with no drugs, in the calm, kind environment I imagined, and with the presence of mind I’d wanted to bring to the experience. The birth itself was a beautiful, amazing experience. In the end, it was a huge success, even though I did have a Mind-Body Syndrome experience in the months afterward. It wasn’t about being free of pain. It was about embracing the pain and learning from it. Which I can say I did, whole-heartedly, in every possible way. In mind-body healing, trying to be pain-free is never the goal. The goal is simply to feel emotions instead of suppress them. When you feel emotions, the pain is free to leave.

Speaking of pelvic care, if you want to lose the pelvic pain and learn the tools and knowledge I’ve discovered over the last twelve years for healing pelvic TMS/Mind-Body Syndrome, come on over to the Kindness Community!

Next week’s class is called Spiritual and Practical Pelvic Care, and I’m sharing everything I know and learned on this wild mind-body ride – including all the new insights giving birth and healing from a postpartum injury PLUS mind-body syndrome taught me. Join now!

– Abigail

P.S. Ready to Say Goodbye to Pelvic Pain? Join one of my Endorsed Mind-Body Coaches, Lorraine Faehndrich for this fabulous complimentary class!  Lorraine has not only trained with me but has also applied the mind-body healing tools to her own mind and body with great success. She’s helping out in the Kindness Community Forums, answering questions and supporting members along with me!

Ah perfection.

I’ve spent most of my life, consciously or unconsciously trying to be perfect – in almost every area of my life – and at the same time feeling like I was failing miserably at it.

Ahem.  No kidding!

If you’re reading this, I’m going to take a wild guess that you can relate.

After all, attempting to do things perfectly (or close to perfectly) is a common personality trait shared by women and men who suffer with chronic pain and other mind body syndromes.

Perfectionism is actually a strategy adopted by your brain to keep you safe.

It usually develops when we’re young, and for good reasons – so that we can gain approval, and avoid potentially dangerous disapproval from our parents and other authority figures.

Obsessing about doing things right (or perfectly) is also a way the mind keeps our awareness out of our body, which makes it an effective method for avoiding uncomfortable emotions.

Perfectionism may have served you well when you were a child, especially if you were in situations where your emotions were not welcome or you had no support to feel them.

But, if you’re in pain – or suffering with any other Mind Body Syndrome – it is not serving you well now.

In addition to causing pain, perfectionism is likely sucking the love and joy out of most everything you do. 

How?

The ways you think and push yourself when you’re trying to be perfect zap you right out of your body and put you straight into your mind, completely disconnecting you from your emotions, your heart and your soul – and everyone else.

They also leave you in a chronic and unconscious state of fight or flight…. tensing your muscles, holding your breath, and continually releasing stress hormones that further increase muscle tension, decrease blood flow, and in general, break your body down.

Not only that, when you’re trying to be perfect is when you are most likely to….

•      Yell at your kids, partner, friends, or boss.
•      Criticize the heck out of yourself.
•      Hide.
•      Rush around like a maniac.
•      Push yourself to do more – and more – and more – and…well, you get the idea.
•      Ignore your body.
•      Feel like giving up.
•      Procrastinate.
•      Ignore your emotions and intuition.  Intuition, what’s that?
•      Feel like you’re not good enough.
•      Get sick.
•      Push away your friends – and most other support.
•      Stop taking chances.
•      Stop having fun.

In other words, be very IM-perfect.

As you can see, like most strategies unconsciously created by your mind, perfectionism is not at all effective!

It’s no longer keeping you safe.

It’s causing physical and emotional pain.

If you want to relieve pain you’re going to have to outsmart this perfectionism thing.

So how can you do that?

By striving for connection instead.

Connection (not Perfection) is your new best friend if you want to relieve pain.

     Connect to your thoughts.

     Connect to your body.

     Connect to your emotions.

     Connect to your soul.

     Connect to love.

     Connect to someone else.

Connection sounds hard but it’s so easy!

All you have to do is notice.

Whatever is there, even if it is nothing – with acceptance, curiosity, and compassion.

Just notice.

So, when you notice that you are stressing out trying to do something perfectly (or really well, which is perfectly under cover)…..

….like say, oh……complete a project (or 10) on time, plan the most perfect experience for yourself or your family or friends; eat optimally healthy food; exercise every day without fail; be an amazing mother/wife/girlfriend/friend (hello Super Woman); think the exact right, best feeling thoughts all the time; say the exact right thing; do 1 – or possibly 8 – hours of mind body practice every day (in exactly the right way of course); make the “right” plans, or the “best” decision, or be precisely on time, or cure cancer, or save the planet…..

Just notice that you are aiming for perfection, breathe, and turn your focus to connection instead.  Say to yourself,

“Connection Not Perfection.”

“How would I be doing this or what would I be doing if my goal were connection rather than perfection?”

Maybe you would be connecting to your body by breathing and noticing the sensations there.

Maybe you would drop the effort, and decide to approach whatever you’re doing with a sense of joy and play.

Maybe you would give yourself permission to make mistakes – lots and lots and lots of mistakes – and just be pleased with yourself for doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Maybe you would visualize filling yourself up with love and light, or send some to someone else.

Maybe you would give your child a great big hug or take a minute to smell a flower, put on some music, or pet your cat.

Maybe you would smile – to yourself or someone else.

There are so many ways to connect.  See what you can come up with.

And remember, perfectionism sucks the love and joy out of just about everything.

The truth is that what actually keeps us safe and loved is not getting anything done, or doing it right, or being the best, or having others approve, or making more money….

It’s connecting to who we are.

Which, by the way, IS LOVE.

Being perfect won’t ever get you where you want to go (especially if you want to relieve pain).

Connecting will.

Take the pressure off.

Allow more play.

Allow more YOU.

The love you want is right there – ALWAYS.

All you have to do is connect.

Lorraine Faehndrich is an Endorsed Mind Body Coach and Women’s Health Mentor specializing in the relief of Female Pelvic and Sexual Pain – including Vulvodynia and Vulvar Vestibulitis.  In addition to helping women find relief for their pain, Lorraine helps her clients break through to a whole new understanding of their health and their body, reconnect with their truth and go on to live outrageously joyful and radiantly healthy lives!

To learn more about how to work with her or to receive a Free Mind Body Alchemy Starter Kit please visit www.RadiantLifeDesign.com