The other day, I met a woman who suffered, like me, from vulvodynia. She had read my blog and ended up working with one of my Endorsed Mind-Body Coaches. She was immensely grateful for the mind-body healing tools, because she’s now pain-free and living a normal life again.

As we talked, she expressed all the feelings she’d felt along the way. She shared the thoughts she’d had about herself and her body, and tears came to both our eyes. I could remember clearly the same exact feelings and thoughts during my years of struggle with a multitude of pelvic diagnoses.

I remember feeling alone, embarrassed, ashamed, and like a complete outsider. None of my friends understood what it was like to deal with such a private, all-encompassing pain. There was no one to talk to, and no one to offer hope. Vulvodynia wasn’t something I’d ever heard of, until I was diagnosed with it, and the same went for interstitial cystitis, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, and vulvar dysesthesia.

I remember spiraling down into shame, because somehow I thought having something “wrong” with me in those very personal, private places was shameful. I believed something was really wrong with me as a person, at my core. I felt lost, alone, and, of course, terrified. I felt completely isolated.

I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone, there were others who experienced what I was experiencing, and I was not a lost cause. I was terribly confused, because I couldn’t understand why there was no help; no clear path to follow to wellness.

It’s a strange thing, having pain and other symptoms that are too private to share. I couldn’t talk much with anyone, because one doesn’t go about sharing about one’s nether regions. It wasn’t like back pain, where it’s socially acceptable to say something like, “I need to stand up for a minute, I have some back pain.”

Instead, it felt cloaked, hidden, and dark. My mind could hardly stand this aspect of the pain. It wanted freedom to express and share. It wanted it to be ok to talk about vaginal pain, out loud. It wanted a space in which to admit what was really going on with me, and to find compassionate listeners who knew the hell I was walking through.

We all walk our own paths through hell at different times and in different ways. This is the compelling aspect of a support group, because hell can be isolating.

I know the hell of having various pelvic symptoms that make it painful to do the simplest of things – like wear underwear. I know the hell of endless appointments involving people who can’t really solve the pain, and who don’t really want to talk about the emotional side of the syndrome/s. I know the hell of wanting a way out of the painful, symptomatic body, and the darkness of the mental pain that accompanies this experience.

Sometimes I feel like there is a very small club of people who have both A) been through pelvic pain and B) who have embarked on the mind-body healing journey like myself. Not only did I feel alone when I was facing vulvodynia, but I felt alone when I embarked on a completely radical healing path; treating it as a Mind Body Syndrome (TMS).

A lot of people wander around in the pelvic pain support groups, talking about various medical treatments and the hopelessness. They haven’t yet meandered into this camp, over here, where we have stopped talking about all those things and focus only on how to connect to our inner emotional world, relax our bodies, take care of ourselves, practice self-kindness, and turn the journey into one of self-discovery.

Many people simply haven’t heard that healing pelvic pain this way is possible. Others are afraid it won’t work. Others find it downright ridiculous.

My hope is to create change. I want to create greater awareness around mind-body healing, so that those people who haven’t heard of it yet, but might need it, are able to find the path. I want people to know that mind-body healing works. I want to create more and more community around this so that people who are ready to take a mind-body approach don’t have to do it alone. I want to create more and more hope, and a place where people can talk about these private and lonely struggles in order to mine the gold and return to health.

If you’re feeling alone and scared, like I used to feel, let me just say this:

You can do it. You can heal. You have what it takes. You are not alone, not by a long shot. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. Pelvic pain is just like any other mind-body pain, and we can talk about it, here on my Facebook page, here on the blog, and in the Kindness Community. Feel free to share. You are strong, even when you feel you’ve been brought to your knees.

I remember what it feels like, and I hold a vision for anyone who is struggling. I see you as healthy, because you are. I see you as whole, because you are. I see you as growing to know yourself in ways that will bring you much more joy and happiness than you even knew was possible, even if you’re really pissed off right now about the pain. I know you’ll face challenges on your healing journey. It will feel hard and liberating in turn. It will be messy. It will also be transformational and the ultimate healing experience – mind, body, and soul

You can do it.
You’re not alone.

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Gail Kenny

Learning to self-soothe and using it on a regular basis is one of the best ways to reduce stress and chronic pain. It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it and it becomes a habit that makes a significant difference in being able to more easily come back into balance when life gets challenging.

Anxiety on Top of Pain

I distinctly remember a time when I was really stuck in chronic pelvic pain. I had been experiencing a flare-up of pain for weeks that wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. I had anxiety in addition to pain which just made the pain harder to deal with. I thought that if the anxiety would just go away I could handle the pain.

Then I found the pelvicpainhelp.com website and spoke on the phone with Dr. David Wise, a psychologist who once suffered from chronic pelvic pain and who has found significant relief. His recognition of and familiarity with my suffering, and his kindness and optimism that his approach could help me was so reassuring that when I got off the phone my anxiety was gone and I felt quite a bit better!

We can learn to comfort  ourselves the same way through the practice of self-soothing. When we resist discomfort, anxiety can arise which makes the discomfort even more intense. Self-soothing can reduce anxiety and resistance to discomfort and significantly dial down pain.

How to self-soothe

1.  Notice when you’re worrying or obsessing about pain and consciously change your approach to it. Get a broader perspective by imagining you can take a step back from being in the middle of your pain and simply observe your experience of it instead of automatically reacting to it.
2. Accept that what you’re experiencing is hard, challenging, or uncomfortable. You might be feeling angry, scared or sad. Turn towards feeling the emotions about it and underlying it instead of resisting them.
3. Take at least three mindful breaths and focus on the physical sensations of the emotions while you let go of your story about the pain.
4. Feel the support you already have in the moment. It can be as simple as noticing you have plenty of oxygen to breathe and that gravity holds your body and allows it to rest against the ground or in your chair.  Find a place in your body that feels comfortable and focus there.
5. Then treat yourself as you would someone you love. Be compassionate. Surround yourself with love, have understanding and love for yourself in your situation. Reassure yourself as you would someone you love.
6. Imagine that you’re being held with a kind and loving hand on your back. Or put your own hand on the place in your body that feels uncomfortable and imagine you can channel unconditional love through your hand and receive it in your body.
7. Feel sympathy for the younger part of you who is worried, scared, or unsure. From your fully functioning adult-self, imagine that you’re comforting and reassuring the part of you who is distressed and sense what that part really needs in order to come back into balance. See your adult-self comforting the part of you who is suffering.
8. You can take this a step further and imagine that you have the complete attention, love, and support of a higher part of yourself, a mentor, or a spiritual guide. Imagine that they love you always.

An Example of Self-Soothing

I recently woke up with a sore back from stacking a load of firewood the day before. I noticed my mind starting to go into worry about a big pain flare up and the possibility of being in pain indefinitely. Because I’ve been practicing self-soothing and good self-care I quickly reframed my story about my discomfort and realized that I had lots of resources for calming my discomfort starting with accepting that I had discomfort. I took some time to relieve the myofascial pain by massaging sore spots with a ball against the wall. It really helped. Then I continued with allowing my body to feel sore and reassuring myself that I’m okay and noticing how I’m already being supported in the moment. As I felt the support of gravity holding my body to the earth and the support of the air already giving me plenty of oxygen to breathe I also imagined softening around the discomfort. Then I imagined surrounding myself with a kind and loving presence comforting me and reassuring me that all will be well.

Self-soothing helps relieve the resistance to feeling discomfort and allows you to be with feeling discomfort with a sense of also being comforted and supported. Then it’s not so scary. Then you can be present in your body to feel without blocking the experience. This allows you to also be present with emotional energy around the discomfort. Being with and witnessing discomfort allows it to be acknowledged and that’s what helps it to release and for you to return to balance and comfort.

Photo credit: Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

Last week, I was doing a little research while writing the blog post, How Your Inner Badass Spy Can Heal You. This research involved looking up “badass” in the Urban Dictionary. (Tough research, I know.)

The definition read, “ultra-cool motherfucker.” My eyebrows flew up, and I had to giggle to myself. My mind instantly sprang into action, creating images of myself wearing awesome sunglasses, dressed in something hip-hop-ish, (maybe? I have no idea what clothing is actually ultra-cool!), my hair in some kind of spiky, crazy ‘do, and playing  a part in an action/spy movie.

All of this could not be more different than who I am. In fact, in high school, I was known as an orch dork, short for orchestra dork. I spent nearly all my free time practicing the violin, which was my main passion. I also wrote a lot and won various writing contests. One time I was even in a science club for a while.

Nowadays, I’m generally known for my compassionate, kind approach to coaching and my gentle energy. I have trouble setting firm, solid boundaries with anyone. I’ve recently been raked over the coals lately as I’ve tried to learn how to say no to my toddler. (My two-year-old daughter is teaching me, with such brilliance, that I really must create clear, firm structure and guidelines for her.)

My biggest weakness has been bringing a firm, calm, and assertive energy to whatever I’m doing. I tend to slide into softness and passivity. I’ve been studying this all year, trying to really understand how to set kind yet firm boundaries, take good care of myself, and say no when I need to say no.

When I read that phrase, “ultra-cool motherfucker” and saw myself in that imaginary movie role, I felt a whole different energy rise up inside me. I can’t really be a major hard-ass, so this energy is probably like “ultra-cool motherfucker-lite.” It felt playful, strong, firm, clear, and assertive.

Ding! The lightbulb went on in my head. In a whoosh, I felt a whole new understanding drop into my brain.

This badass energy felt like a healthy expression of masculine energy.

In the past, I’ve experienced unhealthy manifestations of masculine energy; the expressions of masculine energy that cause Mind Body Syndrome (TMS):

• Pushing and forcing (overriding and ignoring the intuitive signals from the body)
• Self-pressure
• Striving and driving
• Overachieving
• Emotional suppression

These forms of masculine energy were my main living mode for many years.

The first time I had Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), I learned I had to open up to my feminine side and start allowing myself to:

• Listen to my intuition
• Fluidly follow my body’s guidance
• Allow myself to feel emotions
• Love myself

That helped immensely, and I went merrily on my way, pain-free. I’d gone from taking action in a very unhealthy masculine (or yang) energy style to taking action in a very healthy feminine (or yin) style.

However, as it is wont to do, my body spoke up again to help me learn even more. In 2012, I experienced another whopping Mind Body Syndrome. This time, I came to realize that the underlying life issue was no longer self-pressure/pushing. Instead, it was struggling to set boundaries, bring assertive energy to a situation when needed, and bouts of victim-thinking.

It was time to learn how to take action from a healthy masculine energy style. In fact, I had kind of dismissed masculine energy entirely. In that large oversight, I’d also failed to recognize that I had a tendency to take action from an unhealthy feminine energy whenever I really needed healthy masculine energy.

Unhealthy feminine energy looks like:

• Victim mindset
• Martyr syndrome and communication style
• Giving, giving, giving (not taking care of one’s self)
• Reactive emotional outbursts (instead of healthy emotional allowing/feeling)
• Wanting to be saved by others

Whenever I was triggered, confronted with a situation that required healthy masculine energy, or tired, I collapsed into unhealthy feminine energy.

My body was NOT having that imbalance.

In order to become pain-free again, I’ve had to work on how to bring a healthy masculine energy into the mix whenever I find myself collapsing into the unhealthy feminine energy. It’s been tricky. I find myself stepping on the gas too much or too little – either becoming too aggressive (hello family passive-aggressive communication patterns!) or completely lacking in any assertive energy whatsoever.

I’ve learned enough and implemented enough to have created health again, and I’m back to being pain-free. However, I’m still working on this one, because there’s so much to be gained from continuing to explore this.

I’ve been seeking the sweet spot: taking action from a balanced mix of healthy feminine and masculine energies, with either energy taking the lead when necessary.

Enter the badass inner spy I’ve been writing about lately. (See the first post in the series here.)

My inner badass spy is my alter ego. She’s strong, clear, firm, and assertive. She’s a part of me I’ve needed to fully own for a long, long time. She’s been hanging out in the shadows, speaking to me through spy novels and shows, showing me that it’s ok to bring a little badass spy to my style.

At first, writing about her was all about the ability to observe and notice. She’s got mad spy skills, so she’s helped me learn to observe myself without judgment.

What I did not see coming was this masculine energy revelation that smacked me in the forehead when I looked up “badass.”

My badass inner spy is about more than self-observation. She’s also the key to setting boundaries, saying no, being assertive, and that calm, firm healthy masculine energy I need. She’s strong. When I imagine her – when I think “she’s an ultra-cool motherfucker” – the energy I feel inside myself is the perfect answer to my struggles.

She’s not a victim.

She’s not passive.

She’s not taking things lying down.

She saves herself.

She’s the perfect partner to the intuitive, emotionally-aware, flowing feminine energy. The feminine energy keeps her from becoming too badass (ignoring her emotions and intuition) and she keeps the feminine energy from collapsing into victim/martyr yuck.

What happens in this sweet spot? When I call on my inner badass spy, I don’t take on others’ stuff.

I help and serve from a place of love, compassion, and health.

I actually take care of myself so that I’m able to be present and available for my family, my clients, and friends. I’m connected to my strength so that I can say no with firm clarity. I love others in a healthy way – not in an entangled, hidden-agenda way. I don’t over-give and create resentment/victim/martyr yuck within myself.

In an effort to really connect to my inner badass spy and her genius, I’ve been saying “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” to myself all week.

I’ve gotta say, I never imagined that I would use “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” as a healing mantra. Ever. That never crossed my mind. Not even once. I don’t even usually say that word, much less write it forty times in a blog post.

But – damn! The energy behind that phrase brings such a playful, strong, and clear feeling to my heart. I feel awesome. Whenever I say it to myself, I whip on my imaginary shades, feel strength flow in, and I’m immediately connected to healthy masculine energy.

For you, “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” may not do the trick. Mantras and affirmations are a personal thing. I have a hunch, though, that many of you run into the same struggles as I have, not being able to call up that assertive energy, over-giving, taking on others’ stuff, and finding your body protesting. If so, find your own inner alter ego. If you don’t resonate with an inner badass spy, then who is it inside of you who can give you the calm, firm, assertive energy?

Once you’ve thought about this and found your own version of my inner badass spy, you can try this exercise:

Ask Your Inner Badass

Step 1: Whenever you notice yourself feeling unsure about yourself, emotionally reactive, extremely hurt, or in any kind of victim/martyr resentful mode, take a moment to step back. Put on your imaginary shades. Imagine your inner badass, whoever he/she is. Really picture her for a moment. Call her into your current situation. Invite her out to play.

Step 2: Feel her strength and clarity within you. Imagine her actually taking up energetic space within your body and feel her way of seeing the world enter your mind. This is kind of the equivalent of Clark Kent entering the phone booth.

Step 3: Decide how to move forward now that you’ve called up your inner badass. (Aka, exited the phone booth as Superman.) Feel that new energy inform your actions, decisions, or even just your mindset. Have fun. Let this be a playful exercise.

Oh, and, please tell me all about your inner badass. What’s your killer mantra? I am dying to know what happens for you when you do this exercise! Join the convo on Facebook!

Abigail

Last week, I wrote a post about using spy skills to help relieve self-pressure and stress, and as a result, help you heal from Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). I gave you an assignment to do (if you choose to accept the mission) designed to help you own your inner badass spy, develop self-compassion and shift your thinking from “what I need to fix about me” to “I notice this about me.”

Notice how that’s just one step away from “I LIKE this about me.” Oh yeah! We’re getting close! Pretty soon you’ll be able to say the “L” word to yourself.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

And mean it.

If you’re dealing with Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), you probably know that Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, writes about specific personality traits that lead to the development of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). One of the biggies is constantly pushing yourself to do better and be better. (Does that sound like self-love? NO.)

This is the cause of MUCH stress and pain for many people who suffer from MBS/TMS. (This is why self-love is the antidote and ultimate healer.)

If you want to get rid of pain or symptoms, you’ve got to learn how to ease off the self-pressure and develop self-compassion.

If you’re feeling a tad persecuted and wondering why on earth YOUR body is forcing you to learn self-compassion while other people get to beat themselves silly, think again. In fact, there are many people who have MBS/TMS and don’t even know it.

For example, people who are putting all kinds of pressure on themselves around body image and diet are trying so hard to be good enough (both in how they look and their health) they are inadvertently causing high stress levels and suffering discomfort.

Scott Abel, author of The Anti-Diet Approach to Weight Loss and Weight Control, writes about a 2007 Australian study that showed “the desire to improve cosmetic appearance” was the reason for most food purchases among women aged 18-30 years. He says,

“This demographic is also the demographic who report the most digestive-related complications and issues: things like bloating, constipation, IBS, gluten intolerance, etc. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

All these things are interconnected within the diet-mentality mindset of cosmetic focus and the pressure all of that kind of thinking produces within you. Because the truth is the digestive tract is one of the key indicators and measuring sticks for stress. You don’t have food issues causing digestive issues – you have thinking issues and you stress about food – and these things are causing digestive issues. Only realization of the self- compassionate mind is going to reduce any or all of these psychosomatic symptoms.”

Having experienced this very thing myself, I can attest to the amount of stress diet-mentality creates, and how freeing it is to stop putting that kind of pressure on one’s self. I used to suffer a great deal from digestive issues until I discovered MBS/TMS and used the mind-body healing tools on myself. The body is always trying to teach us to be kind to ourselves.

I’ve often in my life put enormous amounts of pressure on myself to eat less and eat better. I’ve attempted many a diet. Inevitably, I end up deeply embroiled in a late-night romance with bags of potato chips and other such delicious items. The more I try to stop the overeating behavior, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I try to stop the behavior, and the louder my inner critic. The louder my inner critic and the harder the pressure, the more I overeat.

The only way off that train is to use self-compassion and its precursor – self-observation. (Which is the spy skill I taught you last week.)

Whether it’s eating or something else, whenever you find yourself entangled in a perpetual loop like the one above, you have to ease off the pressure.

Self-flagellation is not the answer.

It will only make things worse.

Putting pressure on yourself creates a catch-22. The more pressure yourself to be better, thinner, healthier, etc. through inner criticism and forced change, the more stress you create. In fact, you’ll find it HARDER to create change and will find yourself struggling MORE in whatever area you’re so eager to improve.

Recently, I found myself twisted up in this pattern with watching videos on Netflix. I felt really guilty about spending time watching Netflix. (Because the perfectionist part of my mind felt I should be more productive and not waste time watching Netflix.) The more I judged myself, the more I watched. The more I watched, the more I judged myself.

Then, I remembered that I’m a badass spy.

I pulled out my spy skill and started observing and noticing myself with curiosity.

The reason this skill is so super-effective is that it’s THE WAY to self-compassion.

As soon as I started noticing, I realized several things:

1. I’d been working intensely (and happily) for months, burning the creative engine. My mind wanted a rest.
2. Enjoying Netflix is not a major crime.
3. Nobody was being harmed in this Netflix activity.
4. I was having a lot of fun.
5. I’ve been in this cycle before, and I know it well. After creative spells, I need to enjoy some couch-potato, coma-like time. Sometimes for a few weeks. Then I’m ready to roll again.
6. I tend to forget to have frivolous, goof-off fun. Yet – this is one of the most healing tools for people who struggle with MBS/TMS and self-pressure traits.

There didn’t seem to be a great reason for my inner critic to attack me. As I kept observing, allowing myself to behave exactly as I was with no pressure to change, the tension dropped out of the situation. Netflix faded away when the time was right. I didn’t have to force anything. And, even more interesting, I found myself inspired and full of insights that had popped in my mind while I was watching those fun shows. (Yes, indeed, they were spy shows!)

While my mind was happily enjoying Netflix, my inner wisdom was guiding me to messages that gave me all kinds of new blog post ideas, insight into my own inner world, and more. (Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to get messages about life than through spy shows. What could be more fun?)

When I dropped the pressure and resistance (because anytime there’s pressure, there’s resistance), I was able to relax into life and enter into self-compassion.

So whether it’s potato chips, Netflix, or something else – whatever you’re telling yourself you have to change or do better/differently – STOP. Get out your #1 spy skill and observe yourself without judgment.

You might think this is the craziest idea, ever. LET yourself eat bags and bags of food without inner criticism? Why, that just might make you eat bags and bags of food! On no!

Except that, you already are.

See? It’s kind of tricky, because the mind is very convincing.

You might as well allow yourself to be as you are right now and reserve judgment. Instead, just notice. This is how I got out of the diet mess and found my body’s natural, healthy weight. It’s how I deal with everything that comes up involving self-pressure and stress.

Allow.

Allow things to be as they are.

Allow yourself to be as you are.

Gently move into self-compassion.

Change will emerge, blooming slowly and beautifully like a flower, nourished from the soil of self-love.

Why is mind-body healing like a spy novel? Simple. You get to be a sleuth, investigating and discovering, following the trail of clues about your inner world.

Eventually, you learn enough to put together a full picture of what’s going on within yourself. You see what patterns of thought and behavior are creating too much stress, and you’re able to take concrete action steps to shift those patterns. When you do, you end the war between mind and body. Your body no longer has to scream to get your attention (via pain or symptoms), and your mind no longer causes undue stress on the body through perfectionism, pressure, and suppression of emotion and truth.

The skills you need to apply the mind-body healing tools to your healing process are spy skills.

You have to learn to observe and notice, wait with patience, and conduct surveillance on yourself.

When I was a kid, I was deeply in love with Harriet the Spy, a novel by Louise Fitzhugh. I carried around a spy notebook and jotted down observations of family members. I could often be found hiding behind a couch, around a corner, or just outside an open window, spying away. (While this definitely honed my spying skills, I sometimes learned more than I’d bargained for/got in a lot of trouble from my parents.)

As an adult, my deep love of spying has not disappeared. I adore spy novels, spy TV shows, and spy movies. I like to think I have an alter ego who is a badass CIA/FBI agent with a tiny bit of super-hero in the mix.

I used to think this strange obsession was just a random quirk, and something I enjoyed outside of work time.

Then I realized that my spying skills were exactly what makes me a great coach, both for others and for myself. My alter-ego (let’s call her my Inner Spy) is happily at work with me, every single day, observing, noticing, and spying on everything and everyone. (But not in a creepy way, I promise.) My Inner Spy is paying attention to the clues that lead to more awareness of myself, my truth, and my inner wisdom.

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you need to change something about yourself in order to feel better. You might think you need to change something about who you are so that you can lose weight, heal, be successful, be happy, and be loved.

Nope.

That’s not how it works. To really heal your body and create true joy and peace, you have to actually know and understand yourself as you are. I don’t mean you have to understand why you are the way you are. I mean you have to understand that you ARE the way you are, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t change. In fact, you’re far more likely to make changes and grow if you completely allow yourself to be as you are, right now. In fact, if you can really, truly, actually love yourself right now, you’ll make all kinds of progress, whatever your goal.

So how in the heck do you actually not force change on yourself and simply love yourself? It sounds crazy hard, if not impossible.

You become a spy.

You shift from trying to create change to simply observing EVERYTHING about yourself with kind awareness.

Here’s a quick, easy way to apply this:

Whenever you notice yourself feeling bad about something (weight, health, success, etc.), go into spy mode. Grab a notebook. Start a list entitled “What I Notice.” Put anything you can think of on that list, such as emotions, actions, results you’re getting in your life, and thoughts.

Here’s an example:

What I Notice

I am feeling afraid right now.

I am thinking I’ll never heal.

I am putting pressure on myself to heal on a certain timetable.

I am thinking I’m failing my family if I’m not well.

I am thinking I should be 100% healthy all the time.

I just pressured myself to make a perfect dinner for my kids.

I just ate a bag of potato chips.

I’ve been hard on myself all week.

I’m feeling alone.

I’m thinking I’m not good enough.

Anything you notice goes on this list. You’ll notice you aren’t using judgment statements on this list. Simply observe what’s happening and reserve judgment.

Keep adding to this list, daily (or as often as you can) for a month. The only rule throughout the month is you can’t try to change ANYTHING that you notice about yourself. Then, step back and notice what all this noticing has done for you. I promise, you’ll be amazed.

You don’t have to anything other than notice throughout this month. There’s no other tool to use.

This is it. Seriously.

When you stop trying to create change and instead, become a spy, you allow for natural change to evolve, on its own.

When you take ALL the pressure off, you remove resistance. You remove struggle. You remove stuck-ness.

Tell me how it’s going here on Facebook! I’m so excited for you to meet your inner spy.

Abigail

P.S. Want to REALLY hone your spy skills? Learn how to love and accept your shadow and experience true self-acceptance in my upcoming in-person workshop, The Art of Alchemy. You’ll learn powerful spy tools you can bring into your daily life, and you’ll experience the magical healing powers of mind-body tools, nature, and even horses! Learn more here!

“I’m one of those people that loves to sign up for courses, workshops, teleconferences and the like.  I love to learn.  I always learn something if only a bumper sticker work of info.

However, working with the triple threat (TT) of Koelle, JVo and Abilgail was life changing. Horses are the best teachers but the choreography of the program between the TT’s and the horses was truly memorable.  I came away with many aha’s and am truly amazed at how thoughts shifted and changed, both while i was there and many days and months after the fact.  

The only requirement for working with them is to be breathing – they’ll take it from there.  You owe this to your hardworking, stressed out self…. Just do it.  ” 

-Lynn

It seems impossible, but 2014 is drawing to a close. Craziness! With that in mind, I want to take this opportunity to invite you to plan with me for 2015. I’m designing events and supportive resources for 2015, and I’d love to give you a sneak peek and get your input! 

First, I’ll be opening the Kindness Community in early 2015. If you want to be in the loop for that, you can register here for the email notifications. The community will open to the people on that email list first, and there will be fun perks involved, too! (I’m not going to give away ALL the secrets here on the blog, so join the list to learn more!) In the community, you always have an opportunity to request topics for classes AND get coached!

The Kindness Community is an affordable way to learn from me each month, get support in your healing journey (mind, body, emotions, and spirit!) from me and my Endorsed Coaches, and join in the group coaching calls. It’s a perfect solution for anyone who wants continuous community and support and access to coaching. (I’m pretty booked up for 1-1 coaching, so not much is available at the moment).

Second, I’ll be creating a couple in-person retreats for you in 2015. Stay tuned! As a busy mom, I don’t do too many of those a year, so you’ll want to grab your seats right away.

Third, if you want to become a mind-body coach, you can join the 2015 training! To learn more about the training and join the interest list for the 2015 training, visit www.mindbodycoachuniversity.com. We’ll be updating the site in January to include all the details for the 2015 training, including dates and curriculum. Stay tuned!

Fourth, I need your input! I want to know what you’d love to learn about on the blog in 2015! Below, I’ve listed some of my favorite topics. Please comment below on the blog or pop on over to Facebook  where I’ve posed that question today on the page. You can also share ideas via email to my assistant, Beth if you choose. Use the topics below to spur your creativity and tell me the questions you want answered in 2015! Get as specific as you’d like. And anything outside of the topic list is welcome, too. Can’t wait to hear from you!

My Fave Topics:

• Mind-Body Healing (TMS, mind-body syndrome, etc.)
• Spiritual Growth
• Emotional Well-Being
• Law of Attraction – Tricks of the Trade
• Body Image
• Confidence
• Creativity
• Self-Kindness

Looking forward to your input!

In April of 2014, I moved from Wyoming to Colorado. With a toddler. (I feel like that statement is an important addendum to pretty much everything. I used the restroom – with a toddler. I cooked dinner – with a toddler.)

Moving is probably my least favorite thing, ever. EVER.

Moving is not only stressful, but it’s an enormous transition. My husband and I have done it many times in our married life, and so I knew what I was in for, pretty much. (Except for the “with a toddler” part.)

With any major life transition comes an opportunity for my mind to create a mind-body syndrome. (Also known as TMS, or tension myositis syndrome.) In his book, The Mindbody Prescription, Dr. John Sarno lists all the various life stressors that can bring on TMS. Moving is pretty high up on the list, so I was on high alert during the transition. The mind can be pretty cagey, and when things get overwhelming and it doesn’t want to face them, it will start suppressing emotions, engaging in thought patterns that aren’t helpful, and generally creating enough tension in the body to start a pain syndrome.

 Having dealt with and recovered from a variety of forms of TMS in my body in the past (including vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis), I am pretty aware of the whole pattern. However, that doesn’t mean I’m immune to TMS. In fact, Monte Hueftle, a fellow mind-body coach, suggests that those of us with mind-body syndrome will always have it, and that our minds will create symptoms if we don’t stay aware of our emotional inner experience. The syndrome only becomes active when we’re NOT aware of the inner emotional landscape. I could not agree more!

Having mind-body syndrome is not a life sentence. It’s simply a great piece of self-awareness. If you know that you have had TMS before, you know that you can have it again. But that’s not a problem – it’s simply a thing to know about yourself. Then, you can stay aware and stay tuned in to yourself.

During a major transition, my suppression tendencies kick in and I start avoiding my emotions, not connecting to myself, and burying important truths from myself. Knowing this, I paid attention as we began the moving process, staying as aware as I possibly could. All was well until about a month after we’d settled into our new house.

One day, I noticed a twinge in my knee. A few days later, it seemed a bit worse. My mind started to ponder it. Had I twisted it? Had I fallen? I couldn’t remember. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. TMS! Post-move syndrome, for sure.

I wasn’t excited, by any means, to have a bit of TMS showing up, but I also felt relief. I am so familiar with good ol’ TMS that I just employed the basic process I always use. I connected with my body each day, felt my emotions, worked with mind-patterns that were causing stress, and re-connected with my inner wisdom.

I’ve spent so much of my life tweaking how I release TMS when it shows up that I’ve created a fairly efficient system. Working with clients has forced me to get really clear, really simple, and really focused with my techniques, which definitely comes in handy when I need to help myself.

I call this process I’ve developed the KIND Process.

I had completely let my daily practice of the KIND Process go during the month after we moved (with a toddler!). As a result, my mind was going into its old stress patterns and pain was showing up. A quick redirect back to my TMS self-care program and the knee pain vanished.

I’m sharing this story because I know many of you worry that your physical pain won’t be relieved by a TMS practice. I’ve tested it out yet again (you’re welcome!) and am here to tell you, it works. The mind creates tension and pain when we’re disconnected from ourselves, and it’s really as simple as a quick reconnection process to heal ourselves.

It’s even smarter to do this connection as your maintenance plan.

Sometimes you might forget or simply get off track, but in the end, it’s ok. You can ALWAYS get back on track again.

If you’d like to learn the efficient process I’ve created after over ten years of self-healing and six years of coaching others around TMS/mind-body syndrome, then hop on over to sign up for the Kindness Community interest list. The community is going to be the home base for everything I create in the near future. It’s where I’ll teach you the KIND Process, other mind-body tools I use for myself and clients, and how self-kindness creates healing on all levels.

I have an amazing teacher in my house. She’s two years old, adorable, and notices EVERYTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I took her to the park for a picnic. We spread out the blanket, got out the food, and settled in to enjoy an alfresco dinner. To be honest, I kind of wanted to relax. I might have even laid on the blanket with my eyes closed, for a minute. Sometimes, by which I mean all the time, having a two-year-old is exhausting.

I pulled myself up from a reclined position with these mental commands:

“Get up! You have to! You can’t sleep right now! But imagine how lovely your pillow will feel in just a few short hours! Oh God! Pillow! Pillow!”

Unloading the picnic, I handed Aela a few crackers. She chewed for several seconds while marveling about the texture of the picnic blanket on her bare feet.

“No shoes,” she said, happily. I smiled back. It felt nice to relax together, munching on our picnic fare.

Suddenly, she stood up and took off running.

With what felt like every ounce of my remaining energy, I dashed after her. Plonking her back on the picnic blanket, I reviewed the picnic guidelines.

“No running when you’re eating. We stay on the blanket to eat.”

She stood up, walked to the edge of the blanket, and with careful precision, put one big toe in the grass. She turned and looked at me, eyes full of mischief.

“Nope,” I said, shaking my head. She moved her toe back to the blanket.

“Yep,” I said. She moved her toe back off the blanket.

“Nope,” I said. She moved her toe back to the blanket.

“Yep,” I said. She sat down and ate some blueberries.

With Aela in my life, I am learning, every minute of every day, how to set clear boundaries. In the past, I have been fairly horrible at that. I have worried about others’ feelings, not wanted to disappoint people, been afraid someone might not like me, and a myriad of other things.

In my pre-toddler life, my lack of boundaries would often result in exploding doormat syndrome, difficult communication with others, and lack of self-care.

Now, however, I have a teacher. A really, really, good teacher.

Suddenly, I see that boundaries are not about people’s feelings, what others think of me, or anything like that at all. They are about well-being – both physical and emotional.

Boundaries create a safe space within which we can be ourselves, be free, and feel supported. They create physical safety, but they also create soul safety. I see it every day. When I set a clear boundary, Aela may resist it, be upset about it, and throw a fit. She gets to do that, and I listen to her protests, because I understand. But they don’t change the boundary. Once she’s expressed herself, she settles into the space I’ve created. I can see that we are creating a shared trust in each other through this process. My job is to set boundaries that keep her physically safe, so that she can roam and explore. Her job is to roam and explore and discover this world.

It’s blatantly obvious to me that setting boundaries for her is an act of kindness. The better I get at it, the happier and more content she is. And some of the boundaries I set with her are about my well-being, too. I can’t reach into the backseat and take her shoes off while driving on a busy street, even if that’s what she wants.  Sometimes my soul needs to have structure within which to roam free, too. So I set clear bedtime schedules and routines, and we honor those. My soul feels good when I take care of me. It knows it can trust me to be there for it. So some nights, when Aela is asking for the twenty-third kiss before she can fall asleep, I tell her that I’m tired, I’m heading to bed, too, and that this is the LAST kiss. And then I follow through.

I’m seeing just how vital it is to set loving, compassionate boundaries.

It’s kind to me. It’s kind to others. I don’t suddenly explode at them, because they’ve moved past a boundary I didn’t express. I don’t resent them because I said yes when I meant no. I can trust myself to create a sense of safety in my life. A safe space within which to play, work, rest, and be me. I have to listen and see if whatever has just come up feels right to me, or if it’s just one toe over the line. And even if it’s just one toe over the line, that counts. That’s crossing the boundary. I can express the boundary limit and therefore deepen the sense of trust I have with myself.

It’s one of the biggest acts of self-care I’ve ever undertaken. It’s an enormous learning curve. And I have the best teacher I could ever imagine.

P.S. Want some help learning how to create this level of self-care and boundary-setting? If you don’t have a two-year-old handy, you might want help from a horse. Did I just say horse? Why yes I did! To find out what I’m talking about, take a peek at my upcoming Listening for Truth Workshop  with Koelle Simpson and Jennifer Voss! (Only a couple spots left!)