For years I was in denial.

I refused to see any behavior in my family that might be interpreted as bad or abusive even in the slightest degree. 

This was my family!

My parents worked hard to keep all five of us children fed, clothed and educated. They were good people.

The other reason for the denial might have been that, as a child, I had no idea how things should be ideally. Weren’t all kids in the same situation? Many of my friends sure were. Wasn’t every child afraid of her father’s anger if she did something wrong?

If someone asked me if I had a happy childhood, my answer was “I’m sure I did. I was good in school.”

Later, that kind of reasoning moved past my family to apply to conditions of living in the community, in the country. I became desensitized to abuse, violence and even war.

I saw difficult situations as just part of normal life, why talk about them? Why make a big deal?

I can definitely see how these experiences helped me grow resilience in the face of future traumas, but they left unconscious scars also. Only after acknowledging the source of my scars could my wounds start to heal.

As an adult, I used to wonder why I kept repeating patterns of behavior that weren’t helpful to me at all.

I used to go out of my way to please people – people I didn’t even like that much. (Still do sometimes.)

I used to be afraid to speak my mind when I didn’t like the way I was being treated, afraid to rock the boat.

Or the other extreme — I used to lose my temper and yell because the only way I knew how to get someone to listen to me was to scream at them.

I used to find comfort in food, overworking, over-giving, and over-reading, as ways of numbing myself. (Still do sometimes.)

Things changed when I remembered and acknowledged some of those difficult situations in my life.

It started with a simple trigger. I was looking through some old family photos my sister had collected lovingly and saved to a disc. There were pictures I’d never seen, especially from the early period of my parents’ marriage. It was obvious that as they had more children, their time to photograph them had decreased.

But there were a few family pictures with me in them and these released pain I’d long since buried. Memories came rushing in and I was shocked to find myself sobbing uncontrollably on and off for days.

I was finally feeling the emotional pain of some of my past experiences in my body instead of suppressing them as normal difficulties of life.

One of the earliest memories was from the time when I was a month shy of three years old. My twin sisters had just been born. Mom had complications and had to care for two newborns. My older siblings were in school or self sufficient, but I was still in need of total supervision. So mom’s aunt Rosa took me to her house for a while.

My memories are of following Rosa nana around, or just being by myself in her living room. I remember walking around that room touching sofa, chair, sofa, and chair. I might have been talking to imaginary people to entertain myself.

Rosa nana was kind and I know I loved her.

But how could this three year old understand why she wasn’t with her mama anymore? Could this have been traumatic to her? Did she feel lost?

Much later, mom told me that as a child I used to sit at the edge of a chair and rock back and forth, a habit I had kept into adulthood whenever I felt stressed. Did it start when I was three? Had I developed a way to soothe myself?

We tend to understand trauma only in terms of war, major accidents, rape or physical abuse. But it is much broader than that.

Trauma is actually any experience that overwhelms you.

It’s anything that’s too much, too soon, too fast for our nervous system to handle, especially when a successful resolution can’t be reached.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading researcher in the field of trauma puts it, “trauma is fundamentally a disruption in our ability to be in the here and now.”

Have you ever wondered, like I did, why you repeat behaviors that you know aren’t helpful to you or others? Why you suffer from chronic pain or anxiety or why certain situations make you extra sensitive?

Maybe you also have unacknowledged painful experiences in your life.

You don’t have to go back and dig around to find the old trauma. But just acknowledging the ones that you remember instead of denying their existence makes a huge difference in healing and moving forward.

Continuing to suppress emotions around those events is not the way to heal the wounds. There’s a difference between knowing something happened to you (remembering it intellectually) and somatically feeling your emotions about those same experiences.   If you stay stuck in your head, you’ll tend to try to rationalize or make excuses about what happened. This is your mind trying to protect you from feeling the pain.

Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions in your body, feel the pain as sensations. Sit silently with them, what do you sense? Is there tightness in your chest, choking feeling in your throat, butterflies in your stomach, or a heavy weight on your shoulders?

Talk to your emotions and pain. Yes, talk to them. What are they trying to tell you? What is the message they want you to hear?

Allowing the pain to be there and tending to it like a friend will help it flow out and complete the circle to heal the trauma.

In my case, I spent some time looking back. I sat at the edge of a chair and rocked back and forth feeling the pressure of the pain of that sudden loss of mom, in my chest.  The sadness felt like a heavy rock on my heart.

I held the 3-year old me close until she relaxed into the belief that she’s not going to be taken away, that I will always be here with her. The rock on my heart grew softer and softer until it melted and poured out of my eyes and the three year old completely relaxed.

I still don’t remember as much as I wish I did, but I’m filled with love, understanding, forgiveness and compassion for my parents, my siblings and me. This isn’t the mental thought of “I love my family.” It’s the gut level love felt in my entire body.

I finally understood that my big fear in life has been not being important enough, not being loved, being abandoned or left behind.

That fear has been the reason for the unhelpful behaviors, my drive to look for ways to soothe the pain or make sure I was loved at any cost.

I remember as a preteen asking my mom if I was the neighbor’s daughter. And later in life saying things like “I must be invisible,” “I must be nobody.”

My newly released feelings were telling me where this came from and why I didn’t need to be afraid anymore. They taught me I could be the one to love myself, to put me first, and to communicate my needs much better.

Look back into your life to see if there were times of trauma or extreme overwhelm. Allow yourself to feel those emotions around the event. Where are they in your body? Offer love, kindness, and support to the parts of you wounded by these events.

Don’t resist them, befriend them and ask for the messages they bring to you. They have the power to heal old wounds and bring more balance to your life.

When you understand yourself, it becomes easier to see when your old fears are surfacing and reassure yourself that that was then and this is now.

You can be on your own side. You have agency to act on your behalf.

If you need help with this, reach out to me on my website. Ledaasmar.com

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: leda@ledaasmar.com

Standing in front of the class, I began to tell my story.  My public speaking coach had reviewed how to use gestures and suggested that I reach my arms out to illustrate my opening line – a line that recalls the memory of my two year-old self reaching for a parent’s connection until I hit a wall of emotional energy that said “Do Not Enter.”

I did as my coach suggested and reached my arms out; however, it felt completely unnatural.

Why did this gesture of reaching out feel so unnatural and why did it still bother me days later?

Upon searching for a new perspective, one of my elders asked me, “What gesture would feel more natural?”

I replied, “Actually, I don’t feel like moving at all.”

The contrast between the “Do Not Enter” energy and my loving exuberance had created enough confusion and overwhelm for my two year-old self to freeze in place.

I began to wonder what other frozen energy still remained inside of my body.  My curiosity took me to another elder who helped me become aware of, and release, some of my frozen patterns.  She also shared a new perspective:  “No wonder your website has been under construction for the last two years – like the energy in your body, it’s been frozen!”

My inner and outer worlds had collided.  If I didn’t get some heat on this frozen energy, I feared I would not be able to create the life I wanted – I’d never get my website launched and connect and serve those who resonate with my gifts most (Oh more frozen thought patterns!).

During this session, I also became aware of the risks I’d taken to melt this frozen energy:  For decades, I’d placed myself inside a protective block of ice, but as I began engaging my elders for support in melting it away, I felt exposed and vulnerable within my existing relationships and environments.  It’s as though I’d prompted others to see me question the status quo, the known, the predictable, the comfortable, and this brought tension to the surface.  The thought I struggled with was, “It’s not safe to ‘come out’ as a mind-body coach/entrepreneur and healer” (which, by the way, I define as someone who heals themselves so they can create and hold space for others’ healing experiences).

So how can you make the process of transmuting frozen blocks into a more flowing liquid form, feel a bit “safer” – allowing you to connect into your creative flow and express your gifts?

When I try on the perspective that everything is energy, I can start to play with the possibilities.  I can imagine that the frozen energy in my body, or my life circumstances, is like a magical soccer ball.  It looks solid, and I can even play with it for a while, but I can also remember that I have the power to transform it into something else like a puddle of water, or into steam from a teapot.

For instance, I recently imagined myself as a contented baby in one of those jogger-strollers with the stroller representing all of the support that was available to me.  This then led me to the notion that if I ever find myself crawling around on the floor, I can always get into the stroller and be glided into an easier way of doing things.

My stroller of support has included reaching out to a group of elders – healers, coaches, and other practitioners that have experience playing with these layers of frozen energy and transmuting them into new forms of creative self-expression.  These are also individuals that not only have insightful perspectives and tools that I can apply, but there’s something about them that allows me to feel safe and supported as the ice in and around me melts into the flow.

These individuals also create and invite me to create my own safe spaces (Why not get in the stroller and head to the park vs. the parking lot?).  They help me to remember that:

• You get to pick and choose the relationships and environments where it feels safe to unfold and transform that frozen energy
• You can tune into and trust your own inner wisdom to guide you toward what you need in order to feel safe and supported within those relationships and environments
• You can always become aware of the choices that are available to you (e.g. you can say no, you can leave, you can ask someone to join you in another location, you can start a new thought…).  In fact, instead of taking flight, fighting, or freezing in response to stress, there is a forth option…

You can radiate – just by remembering that you are light is enough to melt and transform some of the frozen energy into your creative flow and experience connection.

From there, I believe you’ll have the space to create, all while feeling the joy of being in the flow of receiving guidance from your inner wisdom for what you need and want, and then reaching out to express your gifts and experience meaningful and supportive connections and relationships.

I can’t wait to see what we’ll all create from our frozen energy!

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Mind-Body Coach Kelly C. Mullen started Whole-Self Wisdom Coaching to help those who feel exhausted stop all the doing and start being who they really are, so they can live a life with more ease, and make an impact in the world without compromising their health and ability to engage in meaningful and supportive relationships.  Whether it’s through private coaching, or facilitating workshops, she creates and holds a space for her clients to strengthen the connection to the four parts of themselves – mind, body, spirit, emotions – so they can connect to and trust that their inner wisdom will guide them into more ease, energy and engagement. You’ll find her at www.kellycmullen.com