The other day, I met a woman who suffered, like me, from vulvodynia. She had read my blog and ended up working with one of my Endorsed Mind-Body Coaches. She was immensely grateful for the mind-body healing tools, because she’s now pain-free and living a normal life again.

As we talked, she expressed all the feelings she’d felt along the way. She shared the thoughts she’d had about herself and her body, and tears came to both our eyes. I could remember clearly the same exact feelings and thoughts during my years of struggle with a multitude of pelvic diagnoses.

I remember feeling alone, embarrassed, ashamed, and like a complete outsider. None of my friends understood what it was like to deal with such a private, all-encompassing pain. There was no one to talk to, and no one to offer hope. Vulvodynia wasn’t something I’d ever heard of, until I was diagnosed with it, and the same went for interstitial cystitis, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, and vulvar dysesthesia.

I remember spiraling down into shame, because somehow I thought having something “wrong” with me in those very personal, private places was shameful. I believed something was really wrong with me as a person, at my core. I felt lost, alone, and, of course, terrified. I felt completely isolated.

I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone, there were others who experienced what I was experiencing, and I was not a lost cause. I was terribly confused, because I couldn’t understand why there was no help; no clear path to follow to wellness.

It’s a strange thing, having pain and other symptoms that are too private to share. I couldn’t talk much with anyone, because one doesn’t go about sharing about one’s nether regions. It wasn’t like back pain, where it’s socially acceptable to say something like, “I need to stand up for a minute, I have some back pain.”

Instead, it felt cloaked, hidden, and dark. My mind could hardly stand this aspect of the pain. It wanted freedom to express and share. It wanted it to be ok to talk about vaginal pain, out loud. It wanted a space in which to admit what was really going on with me, and to find compassionate listeners who knew the hell I was walking through.

We all walk our own paths through hell at different times and in different ways. This is the compelling aspect of a support group, because hell can be isolating.

I know the hell of having various pelvic symptoms that make it painful to do the simplest of things – like wear underwear. I know the hell of endless appointments involving people who can’t really solve the pain, and who don’t really want to talk about the emotional side of the syndrome/s. I know the hell of wanting a way out of the painful, symptomatic body, and the darkness of the mental pain that accompanies this experience.

Sometimes I feel like there is a very small club of people who have both A) been through pelvic pain and B) who have embarked on the mind-body healing journey like myself. Not only did I feel alone when I was facing vulvodynia, but I felt alone when I embarked on a completely radical healing path; treating it as a Mind Body Syndrome (TMS).

A lot of people wander around in the pelvic pain support groups, talking about various medical treatments and the hopelessness. They haven’t yet meandered into this camp, over here, where we have stopped talking about all those things and focus only on how to connect to our inner emotional world, relax our bodies, take care of ourselves, practice self-kindness, and turn the journey into one of self-discovery.

Many people simply haven’t heard that healing pelvic pain this way is possible. Others are afraid it won’t work. Others find it downright ridiculous.

My hope is to create change. I want to create greater awareness around mind-body healing, so that those people who haven’t heard of it yet, but might need it, are able to find the path. I want people to know that mind-body healing works. I want to create more and more community around this so that people who are ready to take a mind-body approach don’t have to do it alone. I want to create more and more hope, and a place where people can talk about these private and lonely struggles in order to mine the gold and return to health.

If you’re feeling alone and scared, like I used to feel, let me just say this:

You can do it. You can heal. You have what it takes. You are not alone, not by a long shot. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. Pelvic pain is just like any other mind-body pain, and we can talk about it, here on my Facebook page, here on the blog, and in the Kindness Community. Feel free to share. You are strong, even when you feel you’ve been brought to your knees.

I remember what it feels like, and I hold a vision for anyone who is struggling. I see you as healthy, because you are. I see you as whole, because you are. I see you as growing to know yourself in ways that will bring you much more joy and happiness than you even knew was possible, even if you’re really pissed off right now about the pain. I know you’ll face challenges on your healing journey. It will feel hard and liberating in turn. It will be messy. It will also be transformational and the ultimate healing experience – mind, body, and soul

You can do it.
You’re not alone.

Many years ago (just how many is Top Secret), I was in my early twenties, struggling with a syndrome called Interstitial Cystitis. (Ok, fine. It was fifteen years ago. Gasp!) I had just been diagnosed, which involved undergoing a procedure that I still can’t even talk about without fainting from horror. I was basically in a total panic, all the time, because there seemed to be little hope for healing from IC, as it’s called.

After much medical system hoopla, I finally found a local urologist who treated IC. I arrived at his office, desperation and a few remaining threads of hope in my heart. The nurse ushered me into the exam room, handed me the paper cover-up, and left. I stripped down, sat on the exam table, and unfolded the paper cover-up. I stared at it. First, it was the size of a napkin, and second, it had a hole in the middle (presumably for man-parts).

I did, indeed, spend that entire appointment talking to a male physician while covering myself up with a napkin that had a very, very strategic hole in it. Awkward hardly covers it. Heh. (Sadly, this was only one of my many, many Mortifying Medical Moments.)

That urologist wasn’t able to cure my IC, and it would be two years later before I actually returned to health. In fact, IC was just the beginning of my healing journey. Shortly after that embarrassing appointment, I developed vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis, and pelvic floor dysfunction. All of these syndromes are considered chronic.

I had no idea, at the time, that my life’s work was calling. I just thought I was doomed to suffer horribly embarrassing medical issues until I literally died of mortification, or possibly sheer panic. I went from living a normal life to being unable to wear underwear, walk, ride a bike, wear jeans, or sit without pain.

After much struggle, I finally discovered mind-body healing. I dove into every mind-body resource I could find, certain I’d found the key to my well-being. The healthier I got, and the more I returned to normal life, the more excited I felt. This mind-body stuff was cool! I wasn’t doomed to live with these incurable illnesses. I was a music teacher by day, but I made self-discovery, the mind-body tools, and taking care of me my real job.

It took me a few years to realize I was meant to be a life coach. It took me even longer to realize my life’s purpose was to help others apply mind-body healing in their lives. And took even longer to realize I was meant to train coaches myself in how to use mind-body tools with their clients. And then, I realized what I’m about to share with you.

In my healing journey, I began awakening to who I am – a spirit, a soul, a consciousness that’s much more than I knew before. I saw that pain made me wake up to new understandings about myself. Yet, even with that new awareness, I was so very hard on myself. It was a pattern so ingrained that I didn’t know what to do about it. I would drop into periods of extreme self-doubt and unkindness toward myself.

Despite having studied mind-body healing in depth and being pain-free a large part of the time, I periodically experienced more rounds of pain syndrome struggles. Every time I hit a health roadblock, I took a hard look at where I’d recently been walking, found I’d detoured off my path, and had to take steps to return to it.

Every time, I realized I’d not been taking care of me, applying the mind-body tools to me, or being kind to myself. Every time, I learned hard lessons.

But – why? Why did I veer off the path of kindness toward myself? Why did I forget to use the mind-body tools, which I know are so important, on myself?

A few weeks ago, I went to a bicycle shop and test-rode a new bike. I hopped on it and rode around the local college campus, taking in the smell of the trees, the fresh air on my skin, and the deliciousness of the bike carrying me swiftly down the road. I realized that it’s been fifteen years since that horrible urology appointment. I felt gratitude for the well-being I have right now. The ability to ride a bike. The comfort in my body. The joy of being alive and much more awake to who I really am. I reveled in my recent self-kindness practices and how good they’ve made me feel.

Suddenly, it hit me. I realized that when I first discovered mind-body healing, during those first two years of fabulous health, I didn’t serve others as my main focus. I served me. And that’s the key.

I suddenly saw that kindness to me, using the mind-body tools on me, awakening to deeper understanding of myself, and taking care of me is my life’s purpose. It’s not sharing mind-body healing with others. I had it totally backwards.

In my coaching practice, I help healers. Pretty much everyone I work with IS a healer, even if they haven’t come to that awareness yet or discovered how they are meant to serve others, exactly. I help them find the missing link; the reason they are not yet feeling well-being in mind, body, and spirit. I teach healers how to be kind to themselves so that they can actively serve others without regular physical illness or burnout.

They come to me, and they ask the questions: Why am I not healthy? Why am I stressed? How do I do this mind-body connection thing? I’m trying so hard! Am I missing something? They ask the same questions I’ve sometimes asked myself.

They know they’re almost on the path. They’re so close. But these people aren’t experiencing complete well-being. They’re stressed. They’re tired. They’re beating themselves up. They feel like they’re giving so much. They feel guilty or judge themselves around rest and hesitate to rest as much as they seem to need. They think they should be producing all the time, getting things done, and yet sometimes they just…aren’t. They don’t always feel the energy and passion carrying them effortlessly along their path to serving others.

Why not?

Because the calling, the passion, the healing work, and the serving or taking care of others is just the footnote. It’s not the real story.

The real story is YOU.

You’re meant to serve you. That’s your job.

It’s the compassionate person’s and healer’s Achilles’ Heel; giving to others and serving them without giving to ourselves and serving ourselves. And, as you might suspect, I’m focusing on this in my own life, every day. It’s my Achilles’ Heel, too, as a healer, a mother, a wife, and friend. Every time I experience physical issues, it’s because I’m engaged in this pattern of lack of self-kindness and self-care, and much external focus toward others.

It’s our JOB, as healers and generally loving beings, to focus on deep kindness toward ourselves. We’re meant to give ourselves everything we give to others…and more. The healing work we do with others is meant to be completely secondary to the healing work we do with ourselves.

In fact, unless we’re actively kind to ourselves – which looks like allowing our emotions to flow, noticing our mind stories, and listening to our body’s wisdom – we’re not a clear channel when we work with others in a healing capacity. We can’t be effective healers when we’re not practicing self-care.

Maybe I’m preaching to the choir. Or, maybe you’re thinking, “Ok, that’s great, but HOW do I do this self-care and kindness job?” Maybe you’re wondering what the point of coaching or healing others is, if it’s not our job? If it isn’t our job, why is it so fun? Maybe you’re wondering how we can take care of ourselves and still also serve others, bring in income, and not be “selfish?” I want to hear the questions this brings to your mind. This conversation is just beginning, and I look forward to continuing it with you. Comment here on the blog, or email me at abigail@abigailsteidley.com.

Want support in doing this self-kindness job? You might be interested in the Kindness Community!

The next step was to somehow learn to be kinder to myself. This was a tricky thing, seeing as I could easily beat myself up for not being good at being kind to myself. You see the catch-22 here. Being in my mind was a little like being in an M.C. Escher painting. Just when I thought I was catching on, I’d realize I had somehow slipped back into self-judgment.

Last year, I gave my dad an M.C. Escher puzzle for Christmas. (Yeah, it’s a doozy!) When I saw it in the store, it made me laugh. It’s the perfect way to approach the mind-game of learning to be kind to yourself – see it as a giant puzzle. How can I slide out of self-pressure or self-flagellation in this moment and ease my way into self-kindness? What is the trick that will work in this moment? How can I extricate myself from this unkindness without causing more of it?

If you’ve ever studied martial arts or learned about the basic concepts behind them, you know that when force meets force, not much happens. If I force myself to stop being so forceful, I just get force-squared. Resistance increases. Everything gets harder. The power of love lies in its gentleness. Take away the resistance and you get freedom.

Stop trying to force yourself to change or be “better,” and you make way for change to evolve on its own.

I had to stop trying to be kind to myself and start applying gentleness and love. What does that look like? It means that in the moment when I am beating myself up over something, instead of adding another layer of beating myself up (for being such a jerk to myself), I recognize the futility of doing so. Instead, I say, “Wow, I notice I’m really beating myself up here.” Then, I allow myself to be exactly as I am in that moment.

The ultimate kindness is to say, “It’s okay to be exactly as I am right now.” Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re feeling, whatever results you’re getting – none of it matters. Remember, you won’t create change with force. You’ll create change with love. And unconditional love for yourself means loving yourself where you are right now. And THAT means being kind to yourself about where you are right now.

If you’re overeating right now, it’s okay.

If you’re struggling in your business right now, it’s okay.

If you’re not achieving top quality in your efforts right now, it’s okay.

If you’re beating yourself up right now, it’s okay.

If you’re ignoring your body’s wisdom right now, it’s okay.

If you’re behind in your to-do’s right now, it’s okay.

Whatever it is, it’s okay.

Your mind might say, “Aaagh! Oh no! If I say it’s okay, I’ll turn into a blimp/never accomplish anything/never get my list done/never be pain free…etc.” I’m here to gently, kindly, remind your mind that’s not true. In fact, it’s the ONLY way that you’ll lose weight, become pain free, or accomplish what you want. Self-kindness is THE ticket. The wonderful thing is, you can be kind to yourself even when you’re not being kind to yourself. You can say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over eating that chocolate cake. And that’s okay.”

That’s the first step to truly being kind to you. It’s what makes the next step possible. The next step is actually saying something kind to yourself. For example:

“Of course I overate this week. It’s one of my coping skills, and I’m bound to return to it sometimes even though I know lots of great new coping skills.”

“It’s natural that I don’t feel like doing anything this week. I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard lately, and I probably need some rest.”

“Sometimes I ignore my body’s wisdom and struggle with trusting it. That’s all a part of the learning process when it comes to creating a new mind-body relationship. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure – it just means I’m learning.”

It may take some practice to learn how to say kind things to yourself. If you’re like me, you’ve had years of practice saying not-so-nice things to yourself. But the good news is, with practice, you will learn how to do it. You’ll find that the more you practice, the more unbidden kind thoughts appear in your mind. You become gentler with yourself, more compassionate, and more loving. And whatever it is you want to do in the world, I guarantee that being kind to yourself will make it easier and make you more effective.

Want to start practicing now? It’s simple. Three times today, stop and ask yourself these questions:

What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?

What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?

Repeat that process for a couple weeks and you’ll see that it becomes easier and easier to think of kind words and acts, toward you.

Today just so happens to be my birthday. My gift to me is threefold. 1) Saying kind things to myself today. 2) Doing things that feel kind and enjoyable today. 3) Sharing with you about self-kindness. I know that the kinder you are to you, the more you’ll spread love and kindness in the world. And that’s a gift for all of us.

My Bladder Starts Talking

I experienced my first bladder infection in 1989 at the age of 24.  The pain ripped through my lower pelvis.  Panicked and doubled over I called the doctor.  Like a good patient I took the prescribed antibiotics and thus blossomed my affair with cranberry juice.  Bladder infections or UTI’s as the doctors called them, became my constant companions for two decades and were joined by chronic pelvic pain.

I consulted my first urologist but by no means the last in 1995.   She casually delivered the blow.  “I think you may have Interstitial Cystitis.”  Those words seemed to increase my pain.  The more I obsessed about my symptoms the worse they became.  I believed I was destined to suffer.

My Back Joins the Conversation

The year: 1997.  My fiancé and I drove home from Tahoe with me lying flat on my back in the rear of his car, seats folded down.  Back pain had joined my pelvic pain for the past 18 months and my back hurt too badly to sit upright.  Our weekend consisted of him snowboarding during the day while I read in bed.  I had heard about Dr. John Sarno’s book, Healing Back Pain and finished reading it on the drive home.  Why hadn’t a doctor ever mentioned the possibility of a mind-body connection?

On the drive, we talked about the stress in my life over the past two years.  My mother had suffered severe depression so badly she tried to kill herself not once, but three times and a long-term romantic relationship ended with dramatic flare.  I turned to my fiancé and said, “Honey, I think this doctor is on to something and I’m going to give it a try.”

The next morning my back pain was barely noticeable.  Was that possible?  I stuck with it, continued to call my own mind’s bluff and within a week I went for a jog on the local dirt trail for the first time in over a year.  This was my powerful introduction to the mind-body connection.  My back pain never returned but there was more than a decade to go for me to learn from my bladder.

Throw In A Dose of Autism

In 2002, I gave birth to my first son.  Right after his birth I couldn’t pee without pain and sometimes I couldn’t even go.  This lasted for weeks.  I felt frozen.  I couldn’t will it to happen.  The pain seared through my pelvis.  A specialist from Stanford diagnosed, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and possible Interstitial Cystitis.  Then pile on top my son’s diagnosis of autism at the age of three and I was in a world of hurt.

I tried diets, trigger point massage (that’s just plain awkward having someone else’s hand up your who-ha), antibiotics, pain medication, abstinence, supplements, homeopathy and energy work.  You name it., I likely tried it; all looking outside my own body for the answers.  I didn’t find them there.

I Learn To Decode The Messages

The year: 2009.  I found the answers.  They lived within me.  When I asked for help, they were there, patiently and at times not-so-patiently waiting.

I stood, holding the yoga pose for what felt like hours until my legs began to shake.  Abigail asked, “Do you notice anything coming up?”

“Hell yes!!  Anger.” I answered.  Wow, where did that come from?  Who was I mad at?  I had no idea I was so angry.

“I’d like you to start with free writing.  Just write whatever comes up for you” Abigail suggested.  So I wrote, and I wrote and the stuff I’d been suppression for years began to percolate up through the resistance.

Weeks later, on a call with another coach, the anger began to surface and my body began to shake.  The coach suggested, “Grab the nearest pillow, take a good, deep breath and yell, scream and express the anger in whatever form that allows you to feel it.”

I put the phone down, took a deep breath, shoved the pillow into my face and screamed as loudly and forcefully as I could.  Then I did it again…then again.  I felt the tension release from my body and collapsed.  The tears flowed.  Tears of relief… tears of release…tears of cleansing.  Next came the grief that was buried below the anger.  I blew the doors wide open on my healing journey.

Pain Is The Messenger

Today, I’m full of gratitude for the gifts and wisdom my body provides me every day.  When I open up and listen, I hear my wisdom clearly.  When I stop listening, my body just gets louder until I do.

Clients ask me, “Are you pain-free?”

My answer, “I’m now pain-aware.”

I have many days where my body communicates in whispers and hushed tones so slight I consider it a pain-free day.  When I do experience louder pain, I greet the pain as my teacher and go to work to discover the message.

I delight in moments like yesterday.  The sensation began in my pelvis, like a low-burning fire smoldering in my belly.  When I asked my body for the answers, they were there.  I took several deep breaths, relaxed, did the work and within moments the pain dissipated.  I thank my body daily for the wisdom it carries when I’m open to listening.

With love and healing,

Diane

Generally, what happens is we focus on the result of this process.  We study our illnesses, whether they are frequent colds and flus, infections, vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, back pain, or something else.  We pay lots of attention to the result when we need to be looking at the process itself.  We need to be asking questions like, “Why am I living in a constant state of stress and fight or flight?” and “How can I stop this pattern?”

Nobody sets out to live their life with stress and constant fight or flight.  You’re probably not waking up every morning, choosing to suppress emotions, think panic thoughts, and generally stress yourself out.  All of that happens when you don’t understand how the mind and body work together, and how much power you have to create the lasting health you want.

I understand that if you’re feeling symptoms or pain, you’d like them to ease off.  Yet, it’s a catch-22.  In order for the symptoms to ease off, you’ll need to relax out of fight or flight and change the habits that are creating this reaction in your body.  Which, of course, takes time.  So, today I’m giving you a short, fast combination of tools that can take the pain down several notches very quickly while you’re working on the long-term changes.

It’s the combination of tools here that is effective, so do put them together.  None of them take more than a couple minutes, and can be easily added to your daily life.

1)   Pay attention to the muscles in the area where you have symptoms.  For pelvic syndromes, this will be the pelvic floor muscles.  Notice how these muscles feel.  Are they tight?  Do they feel like they are lifting something and are contracted upward, into your body?  If you’re focusing on another area, see if you can find the specific muscle contraction.  Breathe into this area of muscle tension, and mentally direct the muscles to relax.  For the pelvic floor muscles, focus on dropping them downward, as though you were preparing to urinate, or like the relaxed end of a kegel exercise.  Imagine your backside softening and relaxing, like jello, or butter – as though it could spread outward and melt into the chair.  Imagine your hips widening and relaxing.  (I realize nobody wants their backside to look like jello or butter – we’re talking about a FEELING here.)  Once you’ve relaxed the primary area of tension, see if any secondary areas need to relax.  Often, you’ll find tension in more than just the area where you feel symptoms.  Repeat this awareness and conscious relaxation every 30 minutes throughout the day.  Keep it up and you’ll begin to notice a huge difference.  By consciously relaxing your muscles, you are telling your body there’s no need for fight or flight.   It will learn to relax consistently, allowing healing in the areas where tension prevailed.

2)   Ask yourself what you are feeling, emotionally, after you’ve relaxed the muscles.  The primary reason we tighten and clench muscles is to hold emotional awareness at a distance.  Emotional energy flows through our bodies constantly.  To stop this, you only have one option: clench a muscle.  By becoming aware of what you are feeling, you release the need to hold tension, tell your body that fight or flight is not necessary, and allow healing to happen.  Sure, you will now feel the discomfort of your emotions.  However, you will quickly feel a lot less physical pain.  And, emotions do not last forever.  They come and go.  Once you can learn to flow with them and just let them be there, they will leave of their own accord.

3)   Breathe.  Nothing fancy here.  Just notice your breathing.  See what it feels like to breathe in and out.  Don’t try to breathe “right” or “better.”  Just be aware of this natural, tension-releasing process.  Enjoy it.  Let your body breathe exactly as it wants to.

That’s it!  Yes, it’s that simple, and yes, it works.  Repeat these three steps every 30 minutes, daily, for a week, and you’ll see results fast.  You’ll feel more relaxed, because you are helping your body release the fight or flight response from all angles.  You’ll begin reprogramming yourself and dropping old habits.  You’ll feel that healing is possible and happening.  You’ll notice breaks in the symptom intensity, or moments of no symptoms whatsoever.  As usual, the only side effect is more relaxation, the possibility of happiness, and relief – both physically and emotionally.

Though I take a pause here to say that the labels aren’t really that important.  They just help us see how we are being in the world right now – not how we are doomed to exist forever.

I’ve certainly written many a blog post about my own inner perfectionist.  She can be quite sneaky and often shows up, unbeknownst to me, with her perfection agenda in hand.  It’s turned into a game to catch her in the act and refuse to follow her plans.

I have noticed a trend with clients and even in random emails from blog readers, so I’d like to alert you to your inner perfectionist, too.  I have a hunch she plays havoc in your lives sometimes, and even more specifically, in your application of the mind-body tools.

Here’s what I keep seeing: people who think they need to do the mind-body tools enough, right, more often, better, with more gusto, every day of the week, for four hours a day, until they drop dead of boredom, etc.  In other words, perfectly.  In other words, some other way than the way that they are doing them.

THIS IS NOT TRUE! This is your sneaky perfectionist popping in and playing games with you.  The mind-body tools are flexible and capable.  You do not have to do them for very long, or very much at all for them to work.  They are powerful.  If you spent only a few minutes a day on them, they would work.  In fact, you can overdo them, because as soon as you start putting pressure on yourself to do more, better, etc., you create MORE stress rather than less.

So here’s your homework for the week: Just be with yourself, do nothing, rest, and breathe for two minutes each day.  That’s it.

Yep.  Just doing something that simple is immensely healing.

If you are doing any other mind-body tools, limit yourself to no more than forty-five minutes a day.  Spend some time playing.  Goof off.  Relax.  Laugh.  Love.

It’s about loving yourself.  Smile at that inner perfectionist and tell her thanks, but you’ve got this one on your own.

When I started the conversation about taking care of ourselves last week, (Dare to Care – About You), I was excited that many of you responded and commented.  The conversation has officially started!  I’d love to hear from more of you.  A common theme seemed to be present last week – putting yucky “have-to’s” before nice, self care moments.  Yes, there are always things that “need to get done.”  The important word in that sentence is: ALWAYS.  So, if you think you’re going to get the work out of the way before you take care of yourself, you are sadly mistaken.  I hate to break it to you, but…

It’s never all done.  It’s never even done at all.  Just to hammer the point home, I’ll say it again: It’s NEVER done.

There will always and forever be things that “need to get done.”  Or “have to get done.”  Are you wondering why I’m putting those phrases in quotes?  It’s because it’s all perception.  You are perceiving that these things need to get done, but the truth is that many of them can be bought, bartered, or bagged, as Martha Beck likes to say.  I’m a huge fan of bagging them, myself!  In any to-do list, there’s something that can wait, can be eliminated totally, or can be done some other way.

Before you argue with me over that and tell me why each and every thing on your list HAS to get done, let me just stop you.  I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s for your own good!  Even if every item on your list HAS to get done because otherwise, the world will stop revolving, I KNOW that there’s something you can at least put off for another day.  I know there’s ONE tiny thing that you can strike from the list right now and replace with a self-care moment.

For example,  I bagged laundry last weekend.  I looked at the full baskets of dirty laundry, and I decided they could wait.  I picked up a good book and read, instead.  Did I feel guilty? No.  Did I think one more thought about the laundry? No.  (It’s taken me a while to get to that place, though, so don’t be hard on yourself at first.)  I LOVED my book.  And then, on Monday, I came home from my lovely self-care yoga class and discovered that my husband had done the laundry after work, unbidden.  This is truly a miraculous moment!  More evidence, I think, that taking care of myself is the right choice.

For those of you who are literally unable to do much right now, who have had to sideline your to-do lists in favor of survival, think for a moment of the power of your body.  I’m almost 100% sure that you were probably not doing much, if any, self-care prior to your physical collapse.  Hmmmmm….interesting, isn’t it, how now you simply can’t live that way?  The wisdom of the body is worth listening to – rather than beating yourself up over what you’re NOT doing.  Your body has made you stop the madness, and is actively trying to teach you how to rest and be kind to yourself.  Smart body!

It’s high time we supported each other in good, effective self-care moments (more on that in the upcoming weeks) before our bodies collapse and we have dreams of extended vacations involving nothing more exciting than our beds.  That’s why I’m promoting this discussion and asking you to participate.  I am of the opinion that many of the health forums on the web, while supportive, focus on negativity quite a bit.  I’ve pondered starting my own forum, but I’m not sure it’s the right move.  For now, I would like to experiment with my blog as a place where you can come to talk about taking care of yourself, learn more about how to do so, and share with others who are trying to learn the art of self-care and self-compassion.

Isn’t it nice to hear about others who are slowing down a bit, taking things off the to-do list, and treating themselves with kindness?  Doesn’t it help you allow yourself to do a little more here and there, for you, with less guilt?  And if you’re ill, doesn’t it help you to allow your body the rest and recovery it needs rather than feeling like you’re “less than” just because your body is healing?

Let’s support each other!  I’m here to support you, so please see this blog a bit like a forum now – that is my intention.  Come to talk to others, come to get a little coaching, come to support and be supported.  Write!  Write!  I want to hear from you!

So this week’s questions are (but don’t confine yourself to these only!): What are you feeling guilty about?  What are you doing this week to care for yourself?

If you’re listening, that is. 

All of the panic, fear, anxiety, anger, and depression surrounding your health issues do a fantastic job of blocking the communication between you and your essential self.  To communicate with her again, you need to discover the thoughts behind all of your feelings.  Those thoughts (remember the Thought Log?) are in your head making a lot of noise.  You can’t hear your essential self through all that ruckus.  All you hear is, “I’ll never get over this,” “I can’t stand this anymore,” “everyone else gets to have a normal sex life and I don’t,” and on and on and on… 

The amazing, awesome essential self is a major key to your return to health.  You absolutely want to contact her, because she is very wise.  In Finding Your North Star, Martha shows you how to access her so you can discover your true purpose in life.  For those of us with health issues, your essential self takes on a new persona.  I like to call her your Inner Healer. 

Your Inner Healer, when she can be heard, will tell you what is right for you every step of the way through your medical crisis.  She will tell you when a doctor is not the right doctor for you and when you’ve found the exact doctor you need to see.  She will tell you whether or not the medication you’re considering is really something you want to try or not.  She will tell you what alternative medicine avenues are right for you.  She will tell you what you need to do on your own to help yourself heal.  She is a genius.  But she has a very soft voice – probably because it’s hoarse from trying to shout over the noise of all those panic-creating thoughts.   

The fastest way to talk to your Inner Healer is to enter that relaxed state of being (discussed in previous posts) in which you watch your breath and remain very quiet.  As you quiet your mind, releasing your hold on your thoughts, and focus on your breath, you will start to feel an inner calm.  Stay in the breath until you feel this – it may feel like a floating sensation or just a very relaxed quiet.  It might help to take any thoughts that pop in your head and imagine them scrolling across a page and then disappearing.  Don’t panic if you don’t hear any messages or don’t have any flashes of intuition.  Simply keep returning to this place as often as you can.  Soon, you will feel moments of knowledge – you will just know what is right for you.  Very peaceful yet insistent ideas will float into your head.  Sometimes these happen during the meditative state, and other times they just happen randomly.  I often hear my Inner Healer the most right at the end of a meditative session.   

I’ll be talking to you about my Inner Healer in future blog posts, so I wanted to introduce you to the idea today.  Have fun with this – your Inner Healer is a blast to get to know (she’s the person I was talking about in my last post – the one who rocks).  See if you can meet her and start the flow of communication today. 

I remember this feeling well.  I was living in a beautiful little house only a mile from the ocean with lots of friends, a great husband, a really cute dog, and a good job.  From the outside looking in, my life was great.  Inside me, however, everything was dark, black, and unbearable.  I had struggled with depression prior to my vulvodynia diagnosis, but the onset of physical symptoms seemed to bring a whole new level of depression into my world.  I couldn’t find it in myself to enjoy anything, even if my symptoms were slightly less at the moment.  I was too busy worrying when they’d be back, stronger, and whether or not I’d have to live this way forever.  All I could think about were the things I was missing out on and the life I wanted but did not have. 

Looking back on this time, I have a lot of compassion for this me who was suffering so much.  She was in as much emotional pain as she was physical pain, and remembering brings a wash of gratitude into the center of my chest for what I have learned from her.  She went through a lot to bring me to where I am now, and she was a warrior.  She refused to collapse into that black hole of depression and instead took a learning journey right through it to the other side.  She faced the darkness by accepting where she was right then and allowing herself to learn from it.  That is a most humble, self-loving place to be, and I am still in awe of her ability to be there in the face of physical pain.   

I think of it as surrendering.  It felt like it, at the time – I was waving my white flag and saying, “Okay, I’ll stop fighting.”  Realizing the simple truth – I was where I was, no matter how much I resisted, somehow released me from my own mental nightmare.  I know the minute I stopped fighting, stopped resisting the experience, was the minute I began healing.  I didn’t heal overnight, and I quit expecting to heal overnight.  I quit looking for someone outside of me to give me the perfect answer, because they couldn’t.  I turned inward and found the only expert available on myself – Me.  Not the me thinking all those crazy-making thoughts (I’ll never get better, etc.), but the Me beyond those thoughts.  The deeper, smarter, wiser, calmer, intuitive me.  She rocks.   

Let me just introduce you to page 51.  Well, you’ll need to read up to this page to truly understand it, but even if you only read this much of the book (but how, oh how, could you stop there?!!) you would discover an essential piece of information about healing.  On this page, Tolle talks about identifying with a physical problem or illness too much.  In other words, your identity becomes tied up with the illness in your own thoughts – you think “I have vulvodynia,” you say “I have vulvodynia,” and you do both frequently.  It becomes the central focus of your life.  “Since I have vulvodynia, I can’t…”  Or, “If I didn’t have vulvodynia, I could…”  Your thoughts focus on vulvodynia frequently, if not constantly.  You can no longer separate yourself from this illness.  You can’t imagine life without it anymore, even though you long for just that – desperately.   

Read page 51 carefully, because if you can release yourself from this kind of thinking, you will move toward a state of mind that invites healing rather than blocks healing.  You are not your illness.  You are you – the illness can come or go.  If you tie yourself to this illness and think about it constantly, the illness cannot go.   

You are you. 

Who are you, when you think of you without vulvodynia?  Does that very thought – that you are you, not you with vulvodynia – bring you a tiny sense of relief?  

 I reached a point, brought on perhaps by the endless doctor’s appointments, where I just got tired of the word vulvodynia.  I felt irritated every time someone said it.  I felt silly saying it.  I felt embarrassed saying it.  It just didn’t seem right to even say the word in connection with me.  I think my inner self was speaking up, rejecting the illness and the word and asking for health.  I stopped saying “I have vulvodynia.”  I stopped reading about vulvodynia.  I threw the word out of my vocabulary.  When I felt symptoms, I said to myself, “I’m a healthy person who has some symptoms right now.  It’s okay.”  It no longer mattered what those symptoms were, why I had them, or whether or not they were going to go away.  They just were.  Nothing else.   

This was the major turning point in my return to health, the beginning of my discovery regarding  the power of the mind and emotions, and the beginning of my journey towards life coaching, my true North Star (to use Martha Beck language).  So when I read page 51, I felt a welling of gratitude for Tolle, who is sharing with everyone this powerful, incredible secret.   Vulvodynia does not describe you.  You are more than your thoughts, so step outside of them with the breathing techniques I’ve mentioned previously and just discover what you are thinking.  Jot down thoughts that seem prevalent or quite painful in your Thought Log.  It’s always incredible to see what you’re thinking and then to realize you don’t have to buy into it – you are not your thoughts.  You are you.