Last week, I was doing a little research while writing the blog post, How Your Inner Badass Spy Can Heal You. This research involved looking up “badass” in the Urban Dictionary. (Tough research, I know.)

The definition read, “ultra-cool motherfucker.” My eyebrows flew up, and I had to giggle to myself. My mind instantly sprang into action, creating images of myself wearing awesome sunglasses, dressed in something hip-hop-ish, (maybe? I have no idea what clothing is actually ultra-cool!), my hair in some kind of spiky, crazy ‘do, and playing  a part in an action/spy movie.

All of this could not be more different than who I am. In fact, in high school, I was known as an orch dork, short for orchestra dork. I spent nearly all my free time practicing the violin, which was my main passion. I also wrote a lot and won various writing contests. One time I was even in a science club for a while.

Nowadays, I’m generally known for my compassionate, kind approach to coaching and my gentle energy. I have trouble setting firm, solid boundaries with anyone. I’ve recently been raked over the coals lately as I’ve tried to learn how to say no to my toddler. (My two-year-old daughter is teaching me, with such brilliance, that I really must create clear, firm structure and guidelines for her.)

My biggest weakness has been bringing a firm, calm, and assertive energy to whatever I’m doing. I tend to slide into softness and passivity. I’ve been studying this all year, trying to really understand how to set kind yet firm boundaries, take good care of myself, and say no when I need to say no.

When I read that phrase, “ultra-cool motherfucker” and saw myself in that imaginary movie role, I felt a whole different energy rise up inside me. I can’t really be a major hard-ass, so this energy is probably like “ultra-cool motherfucker-lite.” It felt playful, strong, firm, clear, and assertive.

Ding! The lightbulb went on in my head. In a whoosh, I felt a whole new understanding drop into my brain.

This badass energy felt like a healthy expression of masculine energy.

In the past, I’ve experienced unhealthy manifestations of masculine energy; the expressions of masculine energy that cause Mind Body Syndrome (TMS):

• Pushing and forcing (overriding and ignoring the intuitive signals from the body)
• Self-pressure
• Striving and driving
• Overachieving
• Emotional suppression

These forms of masculine energy were my main living mode for many years.

The first time I had Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), I learned I had to open up to my feminine side and start allowing myself to:

• Listen to my intuition
• Fluidly follow my body’s guidance
• Allow myself to feel emotions
• Love myself

That helped immensely, and I went merrily on my way, pain-free. I’d gone from taking action in a very unhealthy masculine (or yang) energy style to taking action in a very healthy feminine (or yin) style.

However, as it is wont to do, my body spoke up again to help me learn even more. In 2012, I experienced another whopping Mind Body Syndrome. This time, I came to realize that the underlying life issue was no longer self-pressure/pushing. Instead, it was struggling to set boundaries, bring assertive energy to a situation when needed, and bouts of victim-thinking.

It was time to learn how to take action from a healthy masculine energy style. In fact, I had kind of dismissed masculine energy entirely. In that large oversight, I’d also failed to recognize that I had a tendency to take action from an unhealthy feminine energy whenever I really needed healthy masculine energy.

Unhealthy feminine energy looks like:

• Victim mindset
• Martyr syndrome and communication style
• Giving, giving, giving (not taking care of one’s self)
• Reactive emotional outbursts (instead of healthy emotional allowing/feeling)
• Wanting to be saved by others

Whenever I was triggered, confronted with a situation that required healthy masculine energy, or tired, I collapsed into unhealthy feminine energy.

My body was NOT having that imbalance.

In order to become pain-free again, I’ve had to work on how to bring a healthy masculine energy into the mix whenever I find myself collapsing into the unhealthy feminine energy. It’s been tricky. I find myself stepping on the gas too much or too little – either becoming too aggressive (hello family passive-aggressive communication patterns!) or completely lacking in any assertive energy whatsoever.

I’ve learned enough and implemented enough to have created health again, and I’m back to being pain-free. However, I’m still working on this one, because there’s so much to be gained from continuing to explore this.

I’ve been seeking the sweet spot: taking action from a balanced mix of healthy feminine and masculine energies, with either energy taking the lead when necessary.

Enter the badass inner spy I’ve been writing about lately. (See the first post in the series here.)

My inner badass spy is my alter ego. She’s strong, clear, firm, and assertive. She’s a part of me I’ve needed to fully own for a long, long time. She’s been hanging out in the shadows, speaking to me through spy novels and shows, showing me that it’s ok to bring a little badass spy to my style.

At first, writing about her was all about the ability to observe and notice. She’s got mad spy skills, so she’s helped me learn to observe myself without judgment.

What I did not see coming was this masculine energy revelation that smacked me in the forehead when I looked up “badass.”

My badass inner spy is about more than self-observation. She’s also the key to setting boundaries, saying no, being assertive, and that calm, firm healthy masculine energy I need. She’s strong. When I imagine her – when I think “she’s an ultra-cool motherfucker” – the energy I feel inside myself is the perfect answer to my struggles.

She’s not a victim.

She’s not passive.

She’s not taking things lying down.

She saves herself.

She’s the perfect partner to the intuitive, emotionally-aware, flowing feminine energy. The feminine energy keeps her from becoming too badass (ignoring her emotions and intuition) and she keeps the feminine energy from collapsing into victim/martyr yuck.

What happens in this sweet spot? When I call on my inner badass spy, I don’t take on others’ stuff.

I help and serve from a place of love, compassion, and health.

I actually take care of myself so that I’m able to be present and available for my family, my clients, and friends. I’m connected to my strength so that I can say no with firm clarity. I love others in a healthy way – not in an entangled, hidden-agenda way. I don’t over-give and create resentment/victim/martyr yuck within myself.

In an effort to really connect to my inner badass spy and her genius, I’ve been saying “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” to myself all week.

I’ve gotta say, I never imagined that I would use “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” as a healing mantra. Ever. That never crossed my mind. Not even once. I don’t even usually say that word, much less write it forty times in a blog post.

But – damn! The energy behind that phrase brings such a playful, strong, and clear feeling to my heart. I feel awesome. Whenever I say it to myself, I whip on my imaginary shades, feel strength flow in, and I’m immediately connected to healthy masculine energy.

For you, “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” may not do the trick. Mantras and affirmations are a personal thing. I have a hunch, though, that many of you run into the same struggles as I have, not being able to call up that assertive energy, over-giving, taking on others’ stuff, and finding your body protesting. If so, find your own inner alter ego. If you don’t resonate with an inner badass spy, then who is it inside of you who can give you the calm, firm, assertive energy?

Once you’ve thought about this and found your own version of my inner badass spy, you can try this exercise:

Ask Your Inner Badass

Step 1: Whenever you notice yourself feeling unsure about yourself, emotionally reactive, extremely hurt, or in any kind of victim/martyr resentful mode, take a moment to step back. Put on your imaginary shades. Imagine your inner badass, whoever he/she is. Really picture her for a moment. Call her into your current situation. Invite her out to play.

Step 2: Feel her strength and clarity within you. Imagine her actually taking up energetic space within your body and feel her way of seeing the world enter your mind. This is kind of the equivalent of Clark Kent entering the phone booth.

Step 3: Decide how to move forward now that you’ve called up your inner badass. (Aka, exited the phone booth as Superman.) Feel that new energy inform your actions, decisions, or even just your mindset. Have fun. Let this be a playful exercise.

Oh, and, please tell me all about your inner badass. What’s your killer mantra? I am dying to know what happens for you when you do this exercise! Join the convo on Facebook!

Abigail

Last week, I wrote a post about using spy skills to help relieve self-pressure and stress, and as a result, help you heal from Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). I gave you an assignment to do (if you choose to accept the mission) designed to help you own your inner badass spy, develop self-compassion and shift your thinking from “what I need to fix about me” to “I notice this about me.”

Notice how that’s just one step away from “I LIKE this about me.” Oh yeah! We’re getting close! Pretty soon you’ll be able to say the “L” word to yourself.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

And mean it.

If you’re dealing with Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), you probably know that Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, writes about specific personality traits that lead to the development of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). One of the biggies is constantly pushing yourself to do better and be better. (Does that sound like self-love? NO.)

This is the cause of MUCH stress and pain for many people who suffer from MBS/TMS. (This is why self-love is the antidote and ultimate healer.)

If you want to get rid of pain or symptoms, you’ve got to learn how to ease off the self-pressure and develop self-compassion.

If you’re feeling a tad persecuted and wondering why on earth YOUR body is forcing you to learn self-compassion while other people get to beat themselves silly, think again. In fact, there are many people who have MBS/TMS and don’t even know it.

For example, people who are putting all kinds of pressure on themselves around body image and diet are trying so hard to be good enough (both in how they look and their health) they are inadvertently causing high stress levels and suffering discomfort.

Scott Abel, author of The Anti-Diet Approach to Weight Loss and Weight Control, writes about a 2007 Australian study that showed “the desire to improve cosmetic appearance” was the reason for most food purchases among women aged 18-30 years. He says,

“This demographic is also the demographic who report the most digestive-related complications and issues: things like bloating, constipation, IBS, gluten intolerance, etc. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

All these things are interconnected within the diet-mentality mindset of cosmetic focus and the pressure all of that kind of thinking produces within you. Because the truth is the digestive tract is one of the key indicators and measuring sticks for stress. You don’t have food issues causing digestive issues – you have thinking issues and you stress about food – and these things are causing digestive issues. Only realization of the self- compassionate mind is going to reduce any or all of these psychosomatic symptoms.”

Having experienced this very thing myself, I can attest to the amount of stress diet-mentality creates, and how freeing it is to stop putting that kind of pressure on one’s self. I used to suffer a great deal from digestive issues until I discovered MBS/TMS and used the mind-body healing tools on myself. The body is always trying to teach us to be kind to ourselves.

I’ve often in my life put enormous amounts of pressure on myself to eat less and eat better. I’ve attempted many a diet. Inevitably, I end up deeply embroiled in a late-night romance with bags of potato chips and other such delicious items. The more I try to stop the overeating behavior, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I try to stop the behavior, and the louder my inner critic. The louder my inner critic and the harder the pressure, the more I overeat.

The only way off that train is to use self-compassion and its precursor – self-observation. (Which is the spy skill I taught you last week.)

Whether it’s eating or something else, whenever you find yourself entangled in a perpetual loop like the one above, you have to ease off the pressure.

Self-flagellation is not the answer.

It will only make things worse.

Putting pressure on yourself creates a catch-22. The more pressure yourself to be better, thinner, healthier, etc. through inner criticism and forced change, the more stress you create. In fact, you’ll find it HARDER to create change and will find yourself struggling MORE in whatever area you’re so eager to improve.

Recently, I found myself twisted up in this pattern with watching videos on Netflix. I felt really guilty about spending time watching Netflix. (Because the perfectionist part of my mind felt I should be more productive and not waste time watching Netflix.) The more I judged myself, the more I watched. The more I watched, the more I judged myself.

Then, I remembered that I’m a badass spy.

I pulled out my spy skill and started observing and noticing myself with curiosity.

The reason this skill is so super-effective is that it’s THE WAY to self-compassion.

As soon as I started noticing, I realized several things:

1. I’d been working intensely (and happily) for months, burning the creative engine. My mind wanted a rest.
2. Enjoying Netflix is not a major crime.
3. Nobody was being harmed in this Netflix activity.
4. I was having a lot of fun.
5. I’ve been in this cycle before, and I know it well. After creative spells, I need to enjoy some couch-potato, coma-like time. Sometimes for a few weeks. Then I’m ready to roll again.
6. I tend to forget to have frivolous, goof-off fun. Yet – this is one of the most healing tools for people who struggle with MBS/TMS and self-pressure traits.

There didn’t seem to be a great reason for my inner critic to attack me. As I kept observing, allowing myself to behave exactly as I was with no pressure to change, the tension dropped out of the situation. Netflix faded away when the time was right. I didn’t have to force anything. And, even more interesting, I found myself inspired and full of insights that had popped in my mind while I was watching those fun shows. (Yes, indeed, they were spy shows!)

While my mind was happily enjoying Netflix, my inner wisdom was guiding me to messages that gave me all kinds of new blog post ideas, insight into my own inner world, and more. (Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to get messages about life than through spy shows. What could be more fun?)

When I dropped the pressure and resistance (because anytime there’s pressure, there’s resistance), I was able to relax into life and enter into self-compassion.

So whether it’s potato chips, Netflix, or something else – whatever you’re telling yourself you have to change or do better/differently – STOP. Get out your #1 spy skill and observe yourself without judgment.

You might think this is the craziest idea, ever. LET yourself eat bags and bags of food without inner criticism? Why, that just might make you eat bags and bags of food! On no!

Except that, you already are.

See? It’s kind of tricky, because the mind is very convincing.

You might as well allow yourself to be as you are right now and reserve judgment. Instead, just notice. This is how I got out of the diet mess and found my body’s natural, healthy weight. It’s how I deal with everything that comes up involving self-pressure and stress.

Allow.

Allow things to be as they are.

Allow yourself to be as you are.

Gently move into self-compassion.

Change will emerge, blooming slowly and beautifully like a flower, nourished from the soil of self-love.

Why is mind-body healing like a spy novel? Simple. You get to be a sleuth, investigating and discovering, following the trail of clues about your inner world.

Eventually, you learn enough to put together a full picture of what’s going on within yourself. You see what patterns of thought and behavior are creating too much stress, and you’re able to take concrete action steps to shift those patterns. When you do, you end the war between mind and body. Your body no longer has to scream to get your attention (via pain or symptoms), and your mind no longer causes undue stress on the body through perfectionism, pressure, and suppression of emotion and truth.

The skills you need to apply the mind-body healing tools to your healing process are spy skills.

You have to learn to observe and notice, wait with patience, and conduct surveillance on yourself.

When I was a kid, I was deeply in love with Harriet the Spy, a novel by Louise Fitzhugh. I carried around a spy notebook and jotted down observations of family members. I could often be found hiding behind a couch, around a corner, or just outside an open window, spying away. (While this definitely honed my spying skills, I sometimes learned more than I’d bargained for/got in a lot of trouble from my parents.)

As an adult, my deep love of spying has not disappeared. I adore spy novels, spy TV shows, and spy movies. I like to think I have an alter ego who is a badass CIA/FBI agent with a tiny bit of super-hero in the mix.

I used to think this strange obsession was just a random quirk, and something I enjoyed outside of work time.

Then I realized that my spying skills were exactly what makes me a great coach, both for others and for myself. My alter-ego (let’s call her my Inner Spy) is happily at work with me, every single day, observing, noticing, and spying on everything and everyone. (But not in a creepy way, I promise.) My Inner Spy is paying attention to the clues that lead to more awareness of myself, my truth, and my inner wisdom.

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking you need to change something about yourself in order to feel better. You might think you need to change something about who you are so that you can lose weight, heal, be successful, be happy, and be loved.

Nope.

That’s not how it works. To really heal your body and create true joy and peace, you have to actually know and understand yourself as you are. I don’t mean you have to understand why you are the way you are. I mean you have to understand that you ARE the way you are, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you won’t change. In fact, you’re far more likely to make changes and grow if you completely allow yourself to be as you are, right now. In fact, if you can really, truly, actually love yourself right now, you’ll make all kinds of progress, whatever your goal.

So how in the heck do you actually not force change on yourself and simply love yourself? It sounds crazy hard, if not impossible.

You become a spy.

You shift from trying to create change to simply observing EVERYTHING about yourself with kind awareness.

Here’s a quick, easy way to apply this:

Whenever you notice yourself feeling bad about something (weight, health, success, etc.), go into spy mode. Grab a notebook. Start a list entitled “What I Notice.” Put anything you can think of on that list, such as emotions, actions, results you’re getting in your life, and thoughts.

Here’s an example:

What I Notice

I am feeling afraid right now.

I am thinking I’ll never heal.

I am putting pressure on myself to heal on a certain timetable.

I am thinking I’m failing my family if I’m not well.

I am thinking I should be 100% healthy all the time.

I just pressured myself to make a perfect dinner for my kids.

I just ate a bag of potato chips.

I’ve been hard on myself all week.

I’m feeling alone.

I’m thinking I’m not good enough.

Anything you notice goes on this list. You’ll notice you aren’t using judgment statements on this list. Simply observe what’s happening and reserve judgment.

Keep adding to this list, daily (or as often as you can) for a month. The only rule throughout the month is you can’t try to change ANYTHING that you notice about yourself. Then, step back and notice what all this noticing has done for you. I promise, you’ll be amazed.

You don’t have to anything other than notice throughout this month. There’s no other tool to use.

This is it. Seriously.

When you stop trying to create change and instead, become a spy, you allow for natural change to evolve, on its own.

When you take ALL the pressure off, you remove resistance. You remove struggle. You remove stuck-ness.

Tell me how it’s going here on Facebook! I’m so excited for you to meet your inner spy.

Abigail

P.S. Want to REALLY hone your spy skills? Learn how to love and accept your shadow and experience true self-acceptance in my upcoming in-person workshop, The Art of Alchemy. You’ll learn powerful spy tools you can bring into your daily life, and you’ll experience the magical healing powers of mind-body tools, nature, and even horses! Learn more here!

“I’m one of those people that loves to sign up for courses, workshops, teleconferences and the like.  I love to learn.  I always learn something if only a bumper sticker work of info.

However, working with the triple threat (TT) of Koelle, JVo and Abilgail was life changing. Horses are the best teachers but the choreography of the program between the TT’s and the horses was truly memorable.  I came away with many aha’s and am truly amazed at how thoughts shifted and changed, both while i was there and many days and months after the fact.  

The only requirement for working with them is to be breathing – they’ll take it from there.  You owe this to your hardworking, stressed out self…. Just do it.  ” 

-Lynn