In my early twenties, I was new to the self-help genre and had spent most of my formative years trying to be an excellent violinist. When I picked up John Sarno’s The Mindbody Prescription, the personality profile he described fairly smacked me in the face. Perfectionism? Trying to be good all the time? Feeling responsible for everything? I just thought that was how one should live life!

He made me see, however, that the extreme pain I was experiencing from vulvodynia was talking to me. It was time to take stock and change how I was treating myself.

Thus began my self-awareness journey, in which I started to peel back layer after layer of beliefs, patterns, and perceptions, always working to know my true self more and more. The more I did this, the better I felt, in body, mind, and spirit.

Every year of this ongoing journey, I feel more aligned with myself, more confident, stronger, and just – happier.

Except for a few days every month, in which many of my old patterns, issues, and less-than-constructive behaviors rise up and take over, seemingly out of my control.

Yep. PMS.

For a while, I sought help from naturopaths, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, and massage therapists to try to eradicate this monthly craziness. Certainly it helped some, and alleviated a lot of various physical symptoms I had during PMS. Mentally? Well, that’s less predictable. (On the plus side, my husband is still alive, so I retain some control over the crazy, grumpy person who emerges monthly.)

Then, I read Eckhart Tolle’s work and was introduced to the idea of the pain-body. If you haven’t heard of this concept, here’s how Tolle explains it:

“The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose.”

I can buy that. However, he also suggests that women are more susceptible to being taken over by the pain-body, especially during our cycles.

Normally, I love reading books about spiritual awakening. And I do feel inspired by Tolle’s work.

But, I have a confession. When I first read about this pain-body/PMS thing, I thought, “That….that….that – MAN!” Seriously. It is hard to listen to what any man has to say about my cycle. Does he have hormones doing weird things to him every month? Does he even remotely understand? There he is, all Zen and smug, nattering on about the pain-body. (It is possible that I was in PMS when I first read this pain-body stuff.)

After reading all of that, I decided I would NOT have this ridiculous pain-body thing happen to me every month. I would be sane. I would be relaxed. I would not have a hair-trigger. I would not be grumpy. I would not take every small comment personally, including remarks about the weather. I would prove this Tolle character wrong.

Several years later, I have to admit to absolutely no success. Nada.

Every month, the same thing happens, to varying degrees. PMS emerges, snaking into my everyday experience with a sly, quiet stealth. Then, it pounces.

Let me just say, for a person who loves spiritual awakening, is excited to discover more and more about herself, and would like to become more and more loving, this has been a little frustrating. Or a lot frustrating.

Then, last week, the clouds parted, light shone down from the heavens, and…

Nope, PMS did not disappear. It arrived, on schedule.

However, something pretty miraculous did happen.

As a result of all of the self-kindness practices I’ve been doing for the last several years, I had a huge epiphany.

All this time, I’ve been trying to get rid of PMS, feeling ashamed that I still become so irrational, so awful, so plain – YUCK – every month. I’ve been rejecting that part of myself, over and over again.

I have NOT been practicing self-kindness around PMS.

So, this month, I did. I accepted and allowed the venomous snake to arrive, just like it always does. I did not try to shove it down or ignore it. Instead, I simply observed it. (Remember the spy skills? I used those!) I was kind to myself, not trying to change the fact that I had PMS.

Here’s the funny part. Whenever my “stuff” (thought patterns, behavior patterns, issues, neuroses) shows up, it’s basically a self-growth gold mine. It’s the perfect learning ground. It’s not about shoving that stuff down, pushing it away, or rising above it. It’s about embracing it.

In the depths of every bag of stuff lies treasure.

When I finally allowed myself to be – just be – during PMS, I learned so much about myself. I saw myself more clearly. I discovered new insights. I unravelled the origins of a few old patterns, and felt a bit freer.

I emerged on the other side of the muck feeling…more awake. I see myself more clearly. I feel lighter. I feel more joyful.

I see the cyclical nature of this process, and I am kind of jazzed at the thought that every month I can easily access the “dark side” and emerge with new self-awareness. Any old, stuffed-down emotional sludge that’s ready for release pops right up into my awareness. I’d been tossing aside the most straightforward path to truth and growth.

In the words of  one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron,

“Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.”

It’s possible Eckhart Tolle is right. Maybe we women do experience more pain-body each month. Now, though, I see it as an advantage. Here is your stuff, served up on a silver platter, each month. Easy to see, impossible to hide from, ready to be faced.

Sure, it can be a challenge. It’s not always pleasant. Fun isn’t really the word to describe it. However, if you can see the cyclical nature, it becomes easier. Walk through the swamp, then frolic in the meadow. Over and over again. The best thing is, the meadow becomes a little brighter and sunnier on each round trip.

Back in my twenties, good old John Sarno woke me up to myself. My body healed. My mind flourished. My heart expanded. I set foot on this spiritual awakening path, ready for the adventure. Now, I’m a seasoned traveler, but I learn more each and every day. I learn from every part of me; the yuck and wisdom alike.

P.S. Would you like to learn how to use my most effective mind-body healing tool? You can do just that when you join the Kindness Community!

In June, I’m teaching a class in the community that will show you, step-by-step, how to use my most effective tool for pain-relief. It packs enough punch to be the only tool you really need if you’re trying to heal from a form of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). Details here!

Instead of going bananas, however, I ended up following my Inner Healer (see previous posts) and discovering an amazing woman named Kathleen (see the Barratt Breathworks link on my blogroll).  I’ve spoken of her before, because she taught me how to elicit a relaxation response from my body and immediately snap out of panic.  Before my first appointment with Kathleen, I had reached the point where I actually wanted to go bananas.  I figured insanity would at least bring with it blessed unawareness and thus relief.  What I didn’t realize was what I really sought was awareness, or consciousness.

Kathleen introduced me to awareness, which I found so inviting I studied it in depth and found an entirely new career as a result.  Awareness is simply the ability to step outside of your own thinking long enough to separate yourself from your thoughts.  Eckhart Tolle discusses this in depth in A New Earth, and this is truly the key to releasing the despair around pain.  The most incredible notion about pain is this: pain is pain.  It is something that occurs in the body, and nothing more.  When we are unaware and involved in our thoughts, we believe many things about pain, such as “pain is horrible, pain is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I can’t stand this pain, I can never live a normal life again, my life is ruined,” and on and on.  It’s easy to see, as someone looking at these thoughts rather than believing them, that these thoughts escalate anxiety and panic.

With awareness, you can step away from these thoughts and see pain for what it is.  Pain is a messenger.  It is a way for your body to communicate with you and help you stay alive.  It tells you to remove your hand from the hot stove.  It sends you to the emergency room when you have a severe illness that needs immediate attention.  It lets you know you’ve broken a bone so you can seek a doctor for help.  Pain is on your side.  Hating pain is not helpful at all on the road to healing.  Looking at pain with clear thinking actually invites you to learn about yourself and reach emotional equilibrium.

Once I saw my pain as a messenger, I began to listen to it and question it.  Clearly, it wasn’t there to save me from death, as my condition was not going to kill me.  So I literally asked it why it was in my body, sometimes with a journal in hand and other times while in a relaxed, meditative state.  Every time, it responded with this enigmatic answer: “I am here to teach you.  I will go when you have learned.”  I did not make that up mentally – it simply came to me.  At first, I felt very confused.  Teach me what?  I wanted to learn it quickly, whatever it was, so the pain would go. 

Of course, that was the whole point.  It was there to teach me how to listen to my essential self, my inner healer, and stop resisting everything in my life.  It was there to teach me how to become aware, to see my own thoughts as separate from myself.  It was there to teach me how to follow my North Star and discover my purpose in life.  It was there to teach me how to find joy, calm, peace, and love.  It was there to teach me how to truly feel good, confident, strong, and alive. 

I became so entranced in the learning process I forgot about my teacher.  I ceased to focus on the pain, and my attention turned to the material I was learning.  I fell in love with awareness.  I studied Martha Beck, Dr. Sarno, Pema Chodron, and a host of other writers’ works.  One day, I woke up and realized I hadn’t felt a symptom in months.  Yes, it’s really true.  I actually forgot about my condition and ceased to focus on my symptoms entirely. 

Instead of escaping through unawareness, I lived in my own skin with absolute awareness.  I learned from Pain, my Teacher.  And when I truly understood, my Teacher left, as promised.  Never in my life have I had such an effective learning experience.  I have a PhD in my essential self.  I will never stop studying, because I know I can learn more, always.  And truly, the joy is in the learning.