Ever wake up with a ‘sudden’ bout of back pain?  Or even neck, foot or anywhere pain? You went to bed, feeling just fine, no injuries that you can think of, but the next morning, it hurts to move?

I had this happen recently. I went to sleep feeling fine and the next morning, my shoulder blade felt like a stick was lodged in it. Very uncomfortable to say the least.

When this used to happen, I would completely panic. How would I get my kids off to school? How would I get my to-do list even partly started? What doctor, pill or healer could I run to to get relief?

But guess what? This time, I became the healer that I ‘ran’ to and gave myself the relief I needed.

With this shoulder blade pain, I did panic for a moment, but then I quickly readjusted and directed my mind to healing.

‘My mind to healing’, you may ask? What has body pain got anything to do with the mind? Isn’t it a body thing?

Yes and no.

Dr. John Sarno, a well known back physician and author of ‘The Mind -Body Prescription’, has claimed for years that many body pains are caused by the brain, not the body. Yes, there is real pain and it hurts – but it’s a trick that your brain is playing on you and it is within YOUR POWER to get relief.

His theory is that the brain is afraid to deal with emotions. In an effort to suppress them, it cuts off oxygen to certain body parts which results in pain and distracts you from dealing with your feelings. Instead, the pain is so uncomfortable that all your energy gets focused on getting rid of it and that gets you running to doctors, chiropractors, massage therapists for relief.

Please don’t get me wrong. All these healers are wonderful and they may help you get temporary relief for a day or two, maybe a month or two even.

But this pain will most likely return – maybe not in the same form, but it will return if the true source of the pain isn’t recognized. One month it may be your lower back, the next month your upper back. Or plantar fascitis. Or headaches. The pain will jump around and not in a logical order.

So what is the true source of the pain?

It’s the suppression of your emotional world.

Emotions are ‘energy in motion’ in your body and they are trying to communicate messages to you.  Dr. Sarno’s theory is that our mind is too afraid (subconsciously, of course) to look at these messages.

Why is the mind so afraid of us looking at our emotions?

Because our emotions communicate to us how we’re feeling – whether we are sad, angry, embarrassed, scared and even happy.

And when you pay attention to these feelings,  you may come to the conclusion that changes have to be made.  A relationship may have to be scrutinized, a thought or behavior pattern of yours may need to be shifted or a situation, like a job, may have to be let go.

The primitive part of the brain is just too scared of change. It reacts with panic – “oh, no, not change!”

So what can be done? Who wants to continue to live with pain?

I don’t that’s for sure. When I finally decided to entertain that Dr. Sarno’s theory could even possibly be true, I had to get real brave and look at my emotional world.

And guess what? It wasn’t as scary as I thought. Yes, sometimes it did require changes, but those changes were good for me and I’m much happier for them. Operating in the world from a place of ‘fear of change’  just didn’t serve my health nor my highest good.

Over time and practice, I have, thank G-d, accessed more and more of the healer within me.

Do I still go to doctors, physical therapists, get massages? For sure. But certainly not as much as I used to and not for the same reasons as before.

If I do go to these specialists, it’s more to get check ups or to get a greater understanding of some part of my body. If I go to a chiropractor or massage therapist it’s because it feels good for my body to get the treatment.  I also use discernment to establish if something is serious and needs medical attention or the assistance of a specialist.

On a daily basis, I try to keep in mind that whatever is presenting itself physically to me may be the result of an emotion needing to be processed, an unhelpful subconscious thought needing to be heard or a behavior pattern, relationship or situation needing to be adjusted.

So, how did I access the healer in me when my shoulder was in pain?

I first panicked. Just for a moment. Yes, there was pain and my first reaction to pain is alarm.  I allowed that moment and also searched my memory for an injury. The pain was manageable, but if it had really hurt, I would have taken an ibuprofin because I dislike being uncomfortable. This shoulder pain felt manageable.

Then I took a few moments to check in with my body and emotional world. I closed my eyes, and noticed what other physical sensations I had in my body BESIDES the shoulder pain. I also searched my mind for an uncomfortable situation that may have taken place the day before that I had ignored. By taking a little time to go within, I recognized the situation and noticed that my chest was tight and my jaw clenched.

I placed my attention on those sensations for less than a minute. Some thoughts came to mind around a circumstance that I had not dealt with. I like to journal so I wrote down a few things and took recognition of some very unhelpful thoughts around the circumstance. In this case there wasn’t any action that I needed to take, just a noticing of a particular incident that had brought up some fearful thoughts. And then I took a few deep breaths.

Voila! My brain got the message that I was willing to look at my emotions. No need to cut off oxygen to my shoulder and cause pain and distraction. No need for that tension to be in my body.

Did the shoulder blade pain go away?

Not right away, but it did lessen.  And I had faith that it would disappear because I’ve done this before. I even went to exercise class because I knew that the true source of the pain was coming from my brain and not coming from an injury or physical disability.

I had accessed the healer in me.

Want to try?

You don’t have to wait till you’re in pain.

Doing these steps a few times a day can help you access the healer within:

1. Communicate to your brain: Let your brain know that it no longer has permission to cut off oxygen anywhere in your body and cause you distracting pain. I do this by telling my brain ‘I’m willing to feel all my emotions.’
2. Notice physical sensations: Check in a few times a day to notice the physical sensations in your body. At first you may want to close your eyes to concentrate.

What do you notice? Is your jaw clenched, shoulder’s hunched, mind buzzed, breath held, stomach knotted? All these are physical sensations are expressing an emotional energy in your body. You may even hear a word come into your mind -’angry,’ ‘sad’, ‘disappointed.’ But the word isn’t as important as putting your attention on the sensation itself. When you notice the sensation, just stay with your mind on it for a few seconds. Allowance and acceptance are key.

3. Breath: After noticing, allowing and accepting the stomach ache, the tight shoulders, the clenched jaw, take a deep breath and release. Perhaps journal what thoughts you’re noticing or if a recognition came to mind regarding the circumstances surrounding the physical sensation.

Even if it’s a lightness in your being – that could be joy, and recognize what circumstance is bringing you joy.

Some other resources that are terrific in becoming acquainted with these ideas are:

Dr. Sarno’s DVD “Healing Back Pain, The Mindbody Prescription”

Dr. Schubiner “Unlearn Your Pain”

Dr. Peter Levine “Trauma Proofing Your Kids” ; “The Unspoken Voice”

You have a healer in you.

Meryl Feldman is an Intuitive Wisdom coach who guides women in aligning with their soul self, empowering them to make clear, confident decisions in their life. For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com.

Anger is healthy but can be unhealthy when it goes into the unconscious and creates pain. Women find it especially challenging to have a healthy relationship with anger.  As girls we are taught that we aren’t supposed to be angry we need to be nice and cooperative.  But without anger we are handicapped.  Anger helps us to keep good boundaries.  When we don’t allow or acknowledge or are unconscious about our anger it comes out in unexpected ways such as mind-body syndrome pain which chronic pelvic pain, vulvodynia, and IC are included in.  The pain is created by the unconscious mind to keep our attention off the anger or other uncomfortable emotions, which we have been conditioned to perceive as very dangerous, and to stay focused on the pain instead.

Anger Goes Unconscious

The classic explanation for mind-body syndrome pain is that rage has gone into the unconscious and the pain serves as a distraction from it.  When the rage and/or anger are brought into consciousness, the pain no longer has a purpose and we experience pain relief.  Most people who are new to the mind-body approach to pain relief, especially women, will claim that they are not angry people and they cannot even relate to the concept that rage is underlying their pain.  The neurological pathway to avoid being conscious of anger or the more intense rage is so strong and ingrained (myelinated) that we cannot even conceive of having these emotions.  It is so completely in the shadow of our minds.

Unconscious Rage

I am guilty of not believing that I had a problem with anger and didn’t believe that I was capable of having rage when I was first introduced to Dr. John Sarno’s explanation of mind-body pain.  It has taken me 6 years to truly accept and believe this concept. Sarno says that it’s the repression of unconscious rage that creates the pain to distract the conscious mind from acknowledging the rage.  In order not to feel the physical sensations of the rage the muscles have to tense which causes mild oxygen deprivation to muscles and nerves which result in pain or other symptoms such as anxiety or skin rashes or digestive upset.  The conditioned (habit) neurological pathway can be broken when we become conscious of our rage and/or allow ourselves to have the emotion and feel it as physical sensations in the body.  Once the emotion has been brought into consciousness, the purpose of the pain to distract from feeling this is gone and there’s no need for the pain and it fades away.  Yes, it’s a simple as that, and yes, it can be very tricky to break these old ingrained unconscious habits of being.

Anger Explored

In the beginning of my mind-body healing journey I realized I didn’t know how to feel anger appropriately.  Most of the time I suppressed it and then sometimes I got out of control with it, especially with my family.  I went through an exploration of what anger felt like as physical sensations in my body, then practiced allowing myself to express my anger without getting out of control or hurting anyone else or damaging my relationships.  It was a little messy at first.  I remember throwing a corncob into the sink in a disagreement with my husband.  Later I learned to feel my anger in my body without throwing things and to also be able be okay with being angry.  Now when I feel angry I feel it in my body as physical sensation, then after it rises and falls I sense what action needs to be taken.  It’s best to take action after the wave of emotion falls so I can consciously choose how to speak or convey my truth in a kind and compassionate way.

Anger Gets Skillful

In practicing feeling anger I learned what worked and what didn’t.  It definitely included failures and noticing what I liked and didn’t like.  When my daughter was a teenager in high school one night she wasn’t yet home well after her curfew.  I finally called her on her cell phone she told me she was on her way home.  I met her at the door and spoke to her about why I was angry while I was still quite angry.  I remember how dry my mouth felt.  I remember noticing that this behavior of mine with anger did not feel effective and didn’t make me feel any better.  I apologized to my daughter the next day about my behavior at the door and I decided I wasn’t going to do anger again that way.  When my son later challenged me in this way I did it differently.  I allowed myself to feel the anger, but I waited until the next day to have a civil conversation about his behavior and how I wanted it to change.  I became a more tolerant and forgiving parent as well.  I just wanted to be sure my kids were safe and they were good about answering their phone when I called them in a panic late at night to check up on them.

My Inner 3-Year-Old Knows Rage

In mind-body healing I’ve also interpreted Sarno’s “rage and other emotions” in a broader way.  It’s any uncomfortable emotion that we have an unconscious habit of not feeling.  I’m also softening around my resistance to rage.  I really can relate to the concept that I still have an inner 3-year-old who can easily go into tantrum when I don’t get my way.  Sarno related the inner raging child self as Sigmund Freud’s Id.  The nervous system still has the programming (neurological pathways) that was set when we were 2 or 3 year olds still learning to be in our bodies and with our emotions.  We were probably rejected by our parents and other care givers when we had tantrums.  Tantrums were not allowed.  So they went into unconscious rage.  I remember when I was about 3 or 4 years old I was so mad about something that I ripped the pages out of a picture book.  I knew it was bad to rip books up but I was so mad I did it anyway.  I don’t remember what I was mad about.  But I can remember that feeling of rage in my body which I obviously later learned to suppress.  I now know how to feel my rage even when it’s illogical, as 3 year olds often are.  I still get to feel it and then get a sense of my truth and whether I need to communicate it or not and if so how.

Dissolving Pain

When my old mind-body symptoms come up now I tell them I’m onto them.  I know there’s nothing wrong with me.  I allow the sensation to be there as I focus on my emotional life instead, bringing any emotions I might have unconsciously not felt into consciousness and also feel the sensations of them in my body.  Now I get to have my emotions in a skillful way even when they are illogical, childish or selfish.  I get to work through them and find my truth, rather than reject them.  Then I take action from my adult self in a kind and considerate way without abandoning myself.

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

Photo Credit:  freedigitalphotos.net

How often do you stay in your head, ruminating, looking for an answer to a problem or even just overthinking a situation?

I did this quite often – staying up in my head which wasn’t giving me the healing or information that I needed. As a Mind-body coach, I knew that I needed to drop into my body and allow for emotional energy flow. I knew that I needed to put my attention on the physical sensations in my body – that clenched jaw, that funny feeling in my tummy, that tightness in my chest. My body is where my emotions were housed, but I couldn’t necessarily remember to drop into my body – it wasn’t my habit.

Until I got an intuitive phrase that now reminds me to leave my head and focus on my body’s physical feeling of my emotions.

I call it  “let it flow, Babe!”

A great example of this is my Rat story.   Ugh, blech – even the mere mention of that creature makes me cringe.  And what an amazing lesson was brought to me through this little animal.

I was walking home one night and I heard a squeak and rustle in the bushes next to me.  I turned my head and lo and behold it was a rat.  I squealed, jumped and hurried away.

My mind was racing with the image of the rat and I couldn’t stop cringing and thinking “ooh, ugh, ooh, ugh, how gross.

And then I heard the words “let it flow, Babe!”

Oh, yeah – my body – I’ve got to get in my body.

So, as I continued to walk, I put my awareness on my body – on the physical sensations that were going on in there.

I noticed all kinds of swirling in my chest and abdomen, a felt sense of alarm.  I  continued to walk and keep my attention on this.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “such an intense commotion happening in my body.” I reminded myself that I was safe in feeling this intensity.

And that was it.

By the time I got to my house, a few minutes later, my mind was on other things.  I totally had forgotten about the rat.

Wow – what a lesson that was for me and I hope for you as well.  I used my mind, not as a tool to figure out what I was feeling when I saw the rat – disgust, heebie- jeebies etc. , but as an instrument to turn inwards and notice the physical sensations that were coming up for me.

With the attention on those, the emotional energy dissipated and so did the sense of alarm.  The energy didn’t get stuck in my body.  By the time I stepped into my house, my body felt calm and my mind ready to engage in interacting with my family.

I’ll end here with some words of gratitude to the rat – thank you for presenting me with the opportunity to “let it flow!”

Meryl Feldman is an endorsed Mind-body coach, as well as certified Martha Beck coach, who specializes in personal coaching for women seeking greater health and joy in their ever-changing lives. She helps her clients tap into their own abundant source of healing capabilities and intuitive wisdom to create a life filled with clarity and vitality. She offers unique programs for relationship issues, back pain relief and freeing women of chronic health issues (including UTIs). For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation and welcomes all inquiries.

On Monday, the first day of my 13 year old son’s vacation, he woke up in terrible pain from a stiff neck. He couldn’t get up or move his head in any direction. As a sensitive child, he cried long and loudly from the pain and the frustration of being stuck in this very awkward position.

As a mom, my first reaction was complete internal panic as I tried calmly (outwardly) to access the situation in order to make sure we didn’t have an emergency on our hands. No fever and no injury quickly indicated to me that it was ‘just a stiff neck.’ Painful, awkward, but did not necessitate a rush to the doctor.

“Now what?” I asked myself. “How do I help get my son pain relief and get him up and running as quickly as possible so that he can enjoy his vacation?”

He goes to an out­ of­ town school (common practice in my Jewish Chassidic community) and this time at home is very precious to him because he loves to spend time with local friends and his very active siblings.

After having him take some deep belly breaths, getting him some ibuprofin and letting him cry it out for a bit, I asked him if anything was bothering him recently. Through his sniffling, he asked me what I meant.

“Well, did anything happen recently with your friends that made you angry or sad?” I asked. “Mom, this is about my neck, not my feelings.” he responded with exasperation.

“Often times our bodies will be giving us a message when there is pain. There are some emotions that need to be addressed. Perhaps something is bothering you in one of your relationships or maybe you’re worried about something?” I said.

And with that opening, he proceeded to share that two days before, his friends had been jumping on our trampoline and though he kept telling them to calm down, they ignored him. In fact one of them put a hole in the new net. He was worried that when his father would see it that he would be angry.

He also wanted some alone time to play with his brothers, but his friends always just walked into the house and pushed past him at the door even when he said that he didn’t want to play. He complained that they don’t listen to him. He also rationalized to me that it wouldn’t be nice of him to ask them to leave.

Bingo!

Anger, sadness, frustration over being ignored, powerlessness, guilt ­ a whole host of emotions were swirling in his body wanting to be heard.

As a Mind-­Body coach, trained oh­ so ­well by Abigail, including Dr.Sarno’s philosophy of suppressed emotions lead to pain, I knew that tapping into this spring of emotions was exactly what would get my son relief and on his feet again.

I started by having him breathe deeply into his abdomen, pretending that he was filling up a helium balloon in his tummy and then releasing the air out on the exhale. This helped him to relax his body a bit.

Then I had him notice what physical sensation he noticed when he thought back to the scene of his friends ignoring him. With some gentle prompting, we labelled it anger, frustration and powerlessness.

It was difficult for him to understand what ‘koo­koo ‘ mom was talking about, but he played along. He noticed ‘something’ in his belly. I had him keep his attention on his stomach for a ½ a minute. Then I asked him to ‘become’ his stomach and to give me three adjectives to describe himself as his stomach. This is a metaphor/imagination tool, and though he balked, he played along.

After giving me three adjectives, I had him take another deep breath and asked him to ask himself if there is anything that he “needs to know?” He shared with me what came up for him. I told him that this was a message that his body and emotions were sharing with him and that we could be confident that as we kept listening to what they wanted to tell him, that his neck would get better, perhaps not that day, but certainly within a day or two. This was comforting to him because he knew of friends who had had stiff necks and it had taken them a full week to feel better. He wanted to be goofing around on the trampoline and flying his drone with his brothers and he didn’t want to be out of the action for that long.

We continued on to notice other physical sensations and play the metaphor/imagination game. We ‘spoke’ to his neck and stomach, we listened to his anger, his sadness and his fear. This was a process we did throughout the day as he rested, cried, took ibuprofen and put a heating pad on his neck.

Though we addressed the pain and the physicality of the stiff neck, I made sure to emphasize to him that we were allowing for all his emotions and hearing whatever messages that they wanted to share with us. I spoke about how important it is to honor our feelings and to set boundaries with people. I also said that it’s not healthy to tell ourselves that ‘it’s not nice to …..” Being kind to others is important, but if someone ignores what you are asking them to do or not do, then we need to be assertive and let our needs be known. I shared that even if that feels uncomfortable to him, that we will work on that together.  I told him that I will help him be assertive and speak to his friends and that the most important thing for him is to notice and be honest with himself when he is feeling angry, including when he feels that towards me.

He slept great that night with much more flexibility in his neck. The next day, he felt better, though still in pain and we continued the emotional processing and physical care. By day three, the stiff neck was completely gone and he was his happy, rambunctious teenage self, able to goof around with his siblings.

Whoo ­ hoo!

With his friends, we added on some rules and addressed with them the things that had been bothering my son.

So many lessons were learnt from this, for my son and for me as well. I really saw the power of recognizing Mind Body syndrome for what it is and we both recognized how crucial it is to address our emotional inner world.

A few days later, when my son had an unpleasant interaction with his friend, he shared with me immediately what happened and we took the time to address his feelings and body sensations. He said to me “Mom, I don’t want to get another stiff neck. “

As I comforted him, we dove into his body, like Ms. Frizzle’s Magic School Bus, and addressed the REAL source of his pain.

Meryl Feldman is an endorsed Mind-body coach, as well as certified Martha Beck coach, who specializes in personal coaching for women seeking greater health and joy in their ever-changing lives. She helps her clients tap into their own abundant source of healing capabilities and intuitive wisdom to create a life filled with clarity and vitality. She offers unique programs for relationship issues, back pain relief and freeing women of chronic health issues (including UTIs). For more info, visit her site MiriamRacquel.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation and welcomes all inquiries.

The mind-body community is growing leaps and bounds as more and more people are being drawn to this work to heal themselves and to heal others. I, like many other people, was called to this little sliver of the healing world because my body said “No More!!” I had my breakdown and for years it seemed like the only thing I knew was pain, and I swam through rough, rocky waters to find what my own healing has looked like. I’m sure everybody that’s reading this has had to travel through his or her own rocky waters in their own journey. I want to write a little bit about my own healing journey in a way that may not have been given much attention in previous newsletters or blogs on this site. It’s a different perspective that I bet a certain portion of the readers can relate to, but may be very quiet about.

My journey post-breakdown started just like many others with me bouncing around from doctor to doctor looking for answers. There had to be something wrong with me, and there had to be an easy magic pill to take my pain away, right? I had test after uncomfortable test done with nothing ever really coming back to help ease my search for hope. I heard the fibro work spoken to me from uncompassionate doctors over and over again, and was told by many that there wasn’t much that I was going to be able to do to ever heal. I started to research the diagnosis, and immediately saw that it is typically a diagnosis and a condition that afflicts women. You may wondering at this point how this post is offering a different perspective. What if I told you that I’m a man?

Apparently there was no rule that prevented the Universe from bestowing these lovely symptoms upon me because I wasn’t born with XX chromosomes like the “normal” sufferer. The funny thing is that I’m no stranger to dealing with things that have a female stereotype attached to them. I actually had a very long battle with an eating disorder in my late teens and early tomid-twenties that nearly took my life. I was diagnosed with a “girl’s disease” and it crushed me. I tried to do research and find resources to help me, and it was all tailored to women. Heck, even one of the diagnostic criteria for that illness was that I had to miss my period for 3-4 months. Hmm, well I’ve actually never had my period. It was a very lonely period of time for me where I kept my illness a secret from almost everybody. It had a shameful connotation to it, and I didn’t want to feel judged or laughed at for having such an illness. Fast forward a few years and I walked out of a 4 month hospitalization with a determination to heal myself, and to also do it while showing the world that men can and do suffer with illnesses that are typically seen as “girl’s things.”

I did a lot of work in the mental health world, became an international speaker, an author, and did a whole bunch of other fun stuff to help people learn through my story, and to show everybody, both men and women, that you’re never alone in your struggles and that you can heal. I tried to shatter the stereotype and break the mold, and I know I was able to do great things as seemingly the lone voice for many that felt voiceless. So, now we come to 2013 and I’m given the fibromyalgia diagnosis, and I immediately laugh to myself and say, “Great, another girl’s disease.” I thought it was another sick joke that was being played on me. Little did I know that my healing journey since that day would take me through a gender induced sense of isolation and challenge me in ways that I didn’t think were possible.

I noticed pretty early on that many of the resources I found were geared towards women. The old frustrations arose. I was only able to find one other man along that way that knew and understood what I was going through. Fortunately for me, he ended up planting a seed of hope deep within my soul that I never let go off regardless of how dark some of the days would become. I noticed from the get-go that being in crippling pain challenged the ideal image of manhood that had been pounded into me for over 30 years. We are supposed to be strong, to plow and fight through, and to not be weak or show weakness. We are supposed to get up, go to work, and provide for our families regardless of what’s going on in our lives. That’s what a “man” would do. Well, I tried to do that for a while, but I was dying inside because my body was telling me to STOP! I ended up crumbling and feeling defeated. I didn’t receive the support or help that I needed by family members. I’ve learned that pain is a very interesting thing because people don’t understand it because they cannot see it, and those around me couldn’t grasp what it was like because they had never experienced anything like it before. They thought I was being dramatic and really over the top about everything. How could anybody be in such pain when there isn’t anything wrong with them? How could somebody be bedridden without clear proof showing the reason for their pain? I could tell that they just wanted me to “man up.” That was going to be quite difficult because I literally couldn’t sit up, stand up, put my legs up, pick the groceries up, eat my eggs up, or anything with the word “up” in it, let alone “man up.”

I was determined to beat yet another diagnosis, and bounced around trying different therapies and holistic work. I did myofascial release, and worked with somatic educators. I took classes, and learned how to give and receive reiki. I tried A LOT of different things, most of which were very painful, and I noticed that I was usually the lone guy in a group of women. This wasn’t the easiest thing for me, but if I hadn’t done so much in the eating disorder world years prior, I know this would have really frustrated me, and I may even have given up. It was tough. It was tough to admit that I couldn’t function like a “normal” human being to a female therapy provider or a class of women. It goes against everything we males are taught through socialization. There are things that men do and there are things that men are not supposed to do, and admitting weakness and fragility is typically a societal no-no for us.

Then I find my way to one Abigail Steidley. My journey to Abigail was like 6 degrees of separation from that one male who planted that seed of hope in my soul. He sent me to a myofascial release therapist, that gave me the number of her life coach friend, who talked to me about one of her friends that did this thing called mind-body coaching, and after visiting her website I saw she trained under this Abigail lady. It wasn’t a clear path, but it was a path that I somehow made a weird sense to me. It’s been a path that has been anything but linear. So I ended up on the doorstep of this mind-body world. Ok, great, this should be easy now, right? All I have to do is follow the directions and all will be solved, right? I arrived to Abigail’s work and noticed there was a lot about pelvic and vaginal pain, which had thinking “of course” at first, but I was drawn to look deeper. I dove into the work and really started learning about the concepts of TMS, the fight or flight response, the nervous systems, and all of this stuff that finally gave me legitimate reasons for what I was going through.

I took the leap and entered into the mind-body coach training. The training class was 90% female, so the trend continued. We ended up in the world of emotions as part of our training. Wait, what are emotions? You mean you want me to feel? You mean to tell me that in order to heal I actually have to feel? Hey, “Feel to Heal” could be my new catch phrase or marketing scheme. Crap, I haven’t felt for 20 plus years, and you want me to start now? Jumping back to things that are taboo for men to do would show us that emotions are pretty high on the list. I know feeling emotions is taboo for most people, but many men are told throughout their lives that “being a man” often means not being emotional and that emotions make you weak. We are socialized to believe that emotions are for girls. Being emotional is often synonymous with being feminine. Emotions have a female stigma behind them, and men are often barraged with insults such as “What are you, a girl?” “Stop being so sensitive!” “Stop crying and man up!” and “Do you need to change your tampon?” when they show signs of emotional weakness throughout their lives. It’s often “bad” for a male to do anything that is considered womanly. The amazing thing about pain is that it will make you do some crazy things just to get out of it, and if I had to “Feel to Heal” then you can bet I was going to try this feeling thing out.

Fortunately for me, I was asked to start opening up to feel emotions in a very safe, protective environment with my fellow classmates. It was tough, but most importantly I was at a point where I was ready for it. It challenged everything about me. It asked that I become more vulnerable than I ever have before, and do so in a way that is often seen as detrimental to a person of my sex. Vulnerability wasn’t one of my strong suits as I was a master at walling things up behind a very tough exterior. Now, before I write any more I want to clarify that this work isn’t easy for anybody to do at all, and that these pain syndromes and health issues are equally as challenging and crippling for both men and women. I have a special appreciation for what you are all going through, and I send a big virtual high-five or hug to all of you.

It became clear to me that I had to really let go of trying to control my own healing in order to heal. That is completely counter to how I’ve approached every single challenge in my life. I had to let go of the reigns, and just allow the magic to happen as I did the work. This wasn’t physical therapy, and there was no magical prescribed plan that would fix me in 3 weeks. Manning up wasn’t going to solve anything. That goal driven, perfectionist mindset of mine wasn’t going to work. It was going to require the exact opposite. This was an unraveling, an allowing, and an accepting. An accepting? Yes, an accepting of where I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually at any given time. An acceptance and an allowing that symptoms were present. An acceptance and an allowing that my situation wasn’t as manly as it was “supposed” to be. An acceptance and an allowing that I was experiencing everything that I was going through. An acceptance and an allowing that I felt like the lone guy in a room full of women. An acceptance and an allowing that other people might not understand or support what I’m going through or the work that I’m doing. The more I accepted and allowed things, rather than fighting them, hiding them, or being ashamed from them, I realized that I was deeply shifting and healing. The more I allowed, the more I was able to let go of the bag of rocks that my symptoms bestowed on me. The more I let go of those rocks, the more I was able to let go of the other rocks I was carrying, many of which were gender norm related. The more I allowed and accepted, the more I started actually supporting myself and gaining my own peace.

I learned that I didn’t have to carry the weight of the giant bag of rocks I’d been carrying for 20+ years anymore. I didn’t have to carry the shame of being a guy with a “girl’s illness” anymore. I didn’t have to carry the pressures anymore. I learned that I didn’t have to live based on a certain set of standards or norms because of my gender or my life. That’s the big thing I want to get across from all of these words. I learned that I can allow myself to feel for the first time in my life, and I realized that emotions aren’t female things, but rather human things. You were born to feel, and it’s never too late to start. I would like any and all males (and all of the females as well) that may be reading this to know that you aren’t cursed with whatever symptoms you are having. Your pain is real and your symptoms matter. You don’t have to remain hidden about it. You don’t have to be ashamed by it. There may be a very big female presence in the healing community, but that doesn’t mean you are broken, defective, weak, or alone in any way. Yes, this is going to challenge you in ways that are going to be very uncomfortable for you, but I can say that you’ll heal if you have hope and trust your own healing journey. Your journey may not be the same as mine, but I can at least be one voice that will tell you that you can do this. It’s tough, it’s icky, and sometimes it’s painful, but you got this. Plant that seed and let it grow.

——

Vic Avon

Specializes in:

Bag of Rocks Syndrome, Letting Go, Stress and Self-Pressure Relief, and Stepping Out of the Mold So You Can Find and Embrace Your Individual Awesomeness.

email: VicAvonCoaching@gmail.com

What do you do with your emotions?

I asked a friend this the other day and she told me that was the strangest question she had ever been asked.

But is it really that strange?

My friend joked that she gathers them and makes a necklace out of them, but I loved that answer. Yes, a bead for every time I allow myself to feel an emotion, to experience it and let it flow, forming a precious bead on its way out.

A necklace made of Emotion Beads!

I’d wear it with pride!

Today I observed several emotions rise up in my body. There was sadness, confusion, anger, contentment and joy. I noticed them all and smiled at the idea that a bead was being created for me.

Sadness, when we talked to my husband’s aunt and realized that she has dementia. She remembers the old days but forgets what she said a minute ago.

Confusion, when seven beautiful eggplants disappeared from my garden with no trace, no damage to the plants, no half gnawed pieces scattered around. Gone! Darn eggplant thieves!

Contentment, when we went out and worked in the yard quietly for an hour.

Joy, when I sat on the deck in the sun, reading a book and watching the birds, squirrels and butterflies.

Anger, I’ll elaborate on the anger.

This morning, I made a quick trip to Whole Foods to buy halibut for a special dinner my husband and I would enjoy. It was expensive. $26 a pound, but I still wanted to splurge on it. It looked slightly darker than usual, so I asked Mike, one of the regular fish guys there, if it was fresh. Whole Foods has a three-day policy; whatever you buy is supposed to be good for three days after the purchase date. Mike went into a speech about how fish vary in color, depending on what they eat and how we can’t control what they eat when they’re in the wild, and of course it was fresh, he had just put it out today, and on and on, until he was finished double wrapping it.

Later, when I opened the package to start preparing it, I almost fainted from the smell. That fish was not fresh. It was far-gone. Rotten. Decaying. That fish was hopeless. Almost decomposed.

I told my husband I wouldn’t cook it because we would get sick eating it. He said, we probably wouldn’t get sick but it wouldn’t taste good. So the fish went into the trash.

Oh well, I thought, the eggplants I was going to roast to accompany the halibut had disappeared anyway, so I might as well figure out something else for dinner. As I got busy making a spaghetti sauce and washing spinach for a salad, something stopped me in my tracks.

Wait a minute! It screamed.

Now that I’m learning to be aware of my emotions, I sat down and paid attention to it. Where in my body was this feeling coming from? There was pressure in my chest and my jaw was clenched.

Aha! I investigated further and sure enough I was angry but instead of processing it, I was making jokes about the fish being deader than dead and disappearing eggplants!  This has been a known pattern for me, get busy, joke and ignore emotions.

Do you find yourself doing that? Glossing over your emotions by using any old decoy. Joke around, eat, fold the laundry…

This was not the first time I had brought home rotten food from Whole Foods!  Last month, the baby cucumbers looked firm and fresh from outside, but underneath the plastic cover, their bottoms had disintegrated. The packaged organic chicken a few months ago smelled even worse than today’s fish. The expensive, organic cashews were moldy. And now this!

So what did I do with my anger? I felt it. I let it fill my entire body and breathed space around it. I imagined it changing shape and color. I took it out to the garden and walked around with it, talking with it until it felt heard, gave me clear messages and gradually flowed out.

Karla McLaren writes in her book, The Language of Emotions:

The questions for anger are: “what must be protected?” and “what must be restored?”

My time and money must be protected. My trust in the store where I buy my food must be restored. My boundaries of fairness and not being lied to must be restored.

Once I worked through this, I was calm, determined and knew what I wanted to do. I picked up the phone, not in anger anymore, but in kind action.

Kindness towards the store and kindness towards myself.

Store manager Scott was very apologetic for our dinner being spoiled. He took my name and left a refund and a gift certificate at the service desk for me to pick up on my next visit. He promised me he would talk to the meat department management about the issue. I was able to respect him, trust him and be kind. (He also pronounced my name correctly. I notice these things.)

All was well again. Substitute dinner was delicious, prepared with love and creativity, not angry energy, and my boundaries were restored.

This of course is a very simple example for anger. There are much heavier reasons for this emotion. But they all can be treated the same way, with respect, not by suppressing them or expressing violently, but finding out what their benevolent message is.

What do you do with your emotions?

• Do you suppress them?  Shove them under a rug? Grind your teeth and ignore them?
• Do you express them inappropriately? Creating more conflict and stress?
• Or do you feel them and process them? Do you listen to your inner wisdom’s input? Maybe make an emotion bead necklace?

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: leda@ledaasmar.com

Ever notice an emotion bubbling up and go into suppression mode by employing a decoy?

Decoys = conscious or unconscious ways of being or doing to avoid feeling emotions.

There are two primary decoy types:  physical & mental.

Unhelpful physical decoys are activities like excessive spending, mindless googling symptoms, obsessive reading, watching lots of TV; constant texting, sleeping too much, over-working, over-eating, over-drinking, over-exercising.

Over-Doing!

Oh.

On the flip side, our mental decoys show up as mind activities like catastrophic thinking, focusing on pain, perfectionism, obsessing, ruminating, pouring over ‘must-do’ lists, ‘figuring it out’, incessantly planning, analyzing, worrying, future projecting and regretting the past to name a BUNCH.

Mental Pressuring!

Uh huh.

You’ll know when you’re employing a decoy because it’ll have confusing subtle frenzied energy to it — like you HAVE to do it, and when you do there’s a sense of ease and dis-ease simultaneously.

Yep!

Ways of being and doing that aren’t decoys typically feel okay, neutral, and comfortable.  You can take the activity or leave it and feel content picking it back up when you feel inspired.

Whew!

I reckon our decoys are a bit like physical and mental gymnastics:  leaping forward, bending backwards, and rolling around twisting from side to side.

Which begs the question:

‘Why would many of us choose to extend past what’s comfortable, hold a headstand, jump up and down, spring forward, walk on tippy toes, flip cartwheels, turn and bounce and “go for” the really impressive dismounts instead of feeling our emotions!?!?!?’

Why Indeed?

Research indicates it’s because we’ve been socialized from an early age to view our seemingly negative emotions (sadness, anger, fear) as bad, negative, unpredictable and scary.  Even though we’re scientifically designed as emotional creatures to do just about anything to avoid discomfort (queue decoys), second only to avoid being viewed as weak.  Could it also be we don’t trust ourselves?  That we’re uncertain and fearful of what will happen if our emotions don’t flow, or worse yet, never leave?   Or are we just afraid that others will perceive and judge us as unlovable, weak, unworthy and reject us.

Abandoned!!!

This would be very painful because as social souls we seek out community and connection to survive and thrive.

What we DO know is humans will mightily propel toward anything and everything to stop, distract, disengage or numb pain and embrace that which renders us comfort.  (And they’re back.  Hello decoys!)

“When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us.” ~  Brene Brown, ‘Rising Strong’

I’m guessing you’ve probably identified your distraction ‘go-to’s’ and want to cease being a ‘decoy gymnast’, tell me where I’m wrong?

Let’s get you off the uneven bars and onto the balance beam feeling your emotions.

Give these suggestions a twirl:

• Be present and mindful of the activities you’re choosing to put your energy into.
• Close your eyes, breathe, shift your awareness to your inner world and ask: ‘Does this activity bring contentment or dis-ease into my life?’ Notice how you feel in your body when you answer this question.
• Resist judging, berating or beating yourself up when you discover yourself ‘decoying’.
• Don’t pressure yourself to quit using a decoy. At least initially. Gentle awareness is key.
• Offer yourself kindness, encouragement and patience like you’d give a young child learning a new skill.
• Allow time to integrate this new patterns of being.
• Clap or Snap when you’re ‘on’ yourself. Make this discovery and play. (Combining audible sounds with gestures ‘wakes up’ the brain.)
• Most importantly: Celebrate doing a new thing to see your distractions and then flip your focus to the body by frequently asking ‘What am I feeling emotionally?’

WAHOO!  Here’s to still being Human!

(Imagine doing front handsprings.)

Now with both eyes closed, balancing on one foot repeat ……

Huh?

(Good Catch!  No more gymnastics.)

Open your eyes stand firmly in your truth and state:

‘I welcome every opportunity to know, accept and love myself more.’

(Ta Da!  Victory Pose.)

***

Rebecca Hampton

I have Fibromyalgia – and not so long ago the incredible pain that came with it ran my life! Actually, I thought it had destroyed my life!

Now I’ve discovered my own capacity for peace and wellbeing, and I never would have thought it possible in my so-called ‘healthier’ days.

It’s possible now because I’ve found my authentic self through the Mind Body Process. I’m thriving and living a life that is abundant with joy, flexibility and movement.

I’m now on a mission to help other women challenged with chronic pain, autoimmune diseases and disorders.

Website: http://beckoningbalancecoach.com

Have you ever been stuck in emotional pain?

Something happens during your day that hurts you, but it doesn’t stop with just the initial pain. It avalanches into a huge ball of agony, with sharp edges and horns, maybe even a devil’s tail. It could be as small a thing as an inconsiderate remark from a colleague, or intense pressure from a job situation or even incredible pain of watching a loved one hurt.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about emotional pain lately. Partly because I’ve had a long history with it and partly because after a relatively pain free period, I found myself smack in the middle of this kind of pain a few weeks ago.

I drowned in it. The waves of pain spiraled around me and with each turn pulled me deeper and deeper into the vortex. Every so often, I’d see some light, some levity, as if a lifeline was being lowered to me to grab onto and climb up; but I would lose my grip on it by the force of my own thoughts, my determination to stay in pain!

To make matters worse, I started treating myself with anger and contempt. Ha! Some coach you are! Look at you not being able to coach yourself out of this one!

This soon became a huge black blob; it grew arms and legs and walked around with me. What had happened here? Old pain and habits were triggered, old storytelling habits. I was hooked as the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron would say, hooked in a chain reaction by sheer force of habit.

The thoughts and stories I added to this initial pain were hilarious in retrospect. She’s all about herself! Doesn’t even realize what she has done; didn’t even apologize; She used me and discarded me just like you know who! Last year, I let so and so do the same thing! And that no good boyfriend I had when I was nineteen! They all stabbed me in the back, betrayed me! When will I ever learn to consider myself first?

Every time I remembered the incident, another story was added to it.

First, I closed myself off, in a protective old habit of trying to repress the actual pain; then I noticed I’m being snarky in my comments about her to others and that’s when I PAUSED. I focused on my breathing and paused.  Just like that, I was out of it, able to laugh at myself with great love and understanding.

Here is what worked for me: Nine suggestions how to get yourself out of this spiral if you ever experience it too.

1. Breathe, several deep breaths with your attention completely on the breath going in, coming out. Did you notice how there’s a tiny little pause between inhales and exhales? Aah, tiny gaps where you can practice complete stillness.

2. Stop the stories, stop the words and thoughts, and stop talking to yourself and others about it! Just pause for now and keep focusing on your breath.

3. Sit with the initial pain. Feel it. Where is it in your body? In your chest, throat, stomach? What is the felt sensation? Burning, cold, squeezing, or just pressure perhaps? Allow it to be what it is with no stories attached. What I felt was a rock sitting on my heart. One of my clients complains that if she lets herself do this, it feels like she’s sitting in a huge fire. Sit in the fire, it will burn away the old habits and let the pain flow out.

4. If it gets too uncomfortable, step out of the fire to a more comfortable place for a bit, maybe watch the birds, walk out in nature, or look at photos of loved ones. When you feel ready, come back to the pain.

5. It might be helpful to tell a trusted friend or a coach about it, someone who will not let you build it up with your imagination, but will listen and witness your pain.

6. If the thoughts become uncontrollable, jot them down somewhere to question later when you’re out of the spiral. You can approach them with curiosity then and analyze their truth and usefulness in your life now.

7. Use kindness and humor with your stories- Well hello there darling! I see you, I hear you, and I know you. For now, I’m going to let you sit over there on the sofa.

8. With each story, bring yourself back to the present moment, to NOW. What’s happening now? Is anyone taking advantage of you now? Is anyone betraying you now? Are you betraying yourself now? This minute.

9. Lastly, every time you notice you’re being harsh, for whatever reason, bring loving kindness and compassion to yourself. If you’re berating yourself for not being a good person for having these thoughts; or not being a good coach for having fallen in the hole you help others not to fall in; or not taking better care of yourself, give yourself a big hug. You’re human and perfect in your imperfection.

Pause and give yourself the chance to choose a different reaction. Once you’re thinking clearly again, you can decide what to do about your trigger situation. As I’ve found out, it often dissipates by itself and there’s nothing left to resolve.

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: leda@ledaasmar.com

The first few days, I noticed the urge to check Facebook arising frequently – in fact, I’d been much more conditioned in my mind to look at Facebook than I’d realized. Interesting!

As I broke myself of the habit, I replaced Facebook-checking with self-connection. Instead, I tuned in to myself, my body, my emotions, and my inner wisdom.

Let’s be clear – Facebook is not the culprit here. My ability to distract myself away from my inner world is my own issue, and I can use anything to do so. It just so happens that Facebook was a convenient way to ignore myself.

The biggest key to healing from Mind Body Syndrome/TMS is being present with one’s emotions. Having learned that so deeply when I was facing severe physical pain every day, I’m well aware that I can slip off into emotional avoidance with ease. I know that when I start avoiding myself, it’s time to start paying attention to my emotions and inner world.

Being present with one’s self isn’t just an effective way to heal the body. It’s also about healing the soul-connection. The more present you are, the more aware you are of your soul-wisdom, the more you trust its guidance, and the more grounded you are in following your own path through life. You’re less swayed by others’ disapproval, opinions, judgments, and manipulations and are steadier within yourself.

I caught myself avoiding emotions of loneliness, sadness, grief, and various other discomforts when I went on my Facebook Fast. So, I spent these last few months feeling all those things, and as a result, feeling far more connected to me, my family, and my soul.

Instead of checking Facebook when motherhood feels uncomfortable, now I just feel the discomfort of motherhood. Immediately following that I am able to connect to the wisdom within myself to make solid mothering decisions.

If you want to feel good physically, you must be willing to feel emotions. They aren’t always comfy. They are, however, essential. Emotions are here to show you the way back home to your soul.

I found my months without Facebook very centering and grounding. Now, I use the app infrequently, and I no longer use it to avoid myself. I have a healthy relationship with Facebook, myself, and my family.

What do you use to avoid yourself? Discovering your favorite avoidance trick can show you the path to healing. Put down the distractions more frequently and you’ll find yourself healing more quickly. Maybe you could use a Distraction Fast, too.

I feel much better now than I did a few months ago, even though I faced emotional discomfort along the way. It actually feels better to feel than to avoid feeling, in the end. And, the bonus is that I feel more present with my daughter and my husband. It’s pretty easy to use technology to distract or disconnect from presence, and yet presence is the very thing we crave in all our relationships. I’m always my best version of a parent when I’m present.

Give yourself and others a gift today. Put down the distraction and connect to the true emotions running under the surface.

Feel. Allow yourself to be present. True joy is waiting on the other side.

Standing in front of the class, I began to tell my story.  My public speaking coach had reviewed how to use gestures and suggested that I reach my arms out to illustrate my opening line – a line that recalls the memory of my two year-old self reaching for a parent’s connection until I hit a wall of emotional energy that said “Do Not Enter.”

I did as my coach suggested and reached my arms out; however, it felt completely unnatural.

Why did this gesture of reaching out feel so unnatural and why did it still bother me days later?

Upon searching for a new perspective, one of my elders asked me, “What gesture would feel more natural?”

I replied, “Actually, I don’t feel like moving at all.”

The contrast between the “Do Not Enter” energy and my loving exuberance had created enough confusion and overwhelm for my two year-old self to freeze in place.

I began to wonder what other frozen energy still remained inside of my body.  My curiosity took me to another elder who helped me become aware of, and release, some of my frozen patterns.  She also shared a new perspective:  “No wonder your website has been under construction for the last two years – like the energy in your body, it’s been frozen!”

My inner and outer worlds had collided.  If I didn’t get some heat on this frozen energy, I feared I would not be able to create the life I wanted – I’d never get my website launched and connect and serve those who resonate with my gifts most (Oh more frozen thought patterns!).

During this session, I also became aware of the risks I’d taken to melt this frozen energy:  For decades, I’d placed myself inside a protective block of ice, but as I began engaging my elders for support in melting it away, I felt exposed and vulnerable within my existing relationships and environments.  It’s as though I’d prompted others to see me question the status quo, the known, the predictable, the comfortable, and this brought tension to the surface.  The thought I struggled with was, “It’s not safe to ‘come out’ as a mind-body coach/entrepreneur and healer” (which, by the way, I define as someone who heals themselves so they can create and hold space for others’ healing experiences).

So how can you make the process of transmuting frozen blocks into a more flowing liquid form, feel a bit “safer” – allowing you to connect into your creative flow and express your gifts?

When I try on the perspective that everything is energy, I can start to play with the possibilities.  I can imagine that the frozen energy in my body, or my life circumstances, is like a magical soccer ball.  It looks solid, and I can even play with it for a while, but I can also remember that I have the power to transform it into something else like a puddle of water, or into steam from a teapot.

For instance, I recently imagined myself as a contented baby in one of those jogger-strollers with the stroller representing all of the support that was available to me.  This then led me to the notion that if I ever find myself crawling around on the floor, I can always get into the stroller and be glided into an easier way of doing things.

My stroller of support has included reaching out to a group of elders – healers, coaches, and other practitioners that have experience playing with these layers of frozen energy and transmuting them into new forms of creative self-expression.  These are also individuals that not only have insightful perspectives and tools that I can apply, but there’s something about them that allows me to feel safe and supported as the ice in and around me melts into the flow.

These individuals also create and invite me to create my own safe spaces (Why not get in the stroller and head to the park vs. the parking lot?).  They help me to remember that:

• You get to pick and choose the relationships and environments where it feels safe to unfold and transform that frozen energy
• You can tune into and trust your own inner wisdom to guide you toward what you need in order to feel safe and supported within those relationships and environments
• You can always become aware of the choices that are available to you (e.g. you can say no, you can leave, you can ask someone to join you in another location, you can start a new thought…).  In fact, instead of taking flight, fighting, or freezing in response to stress, there is a forth option…

You can radiate – just by remembering that you are light is enough to melt and transform some of the frozen energy into your creative flow and experience connection.

From there, I believe you’ll have the space to create, all while feeling the joy of being in the flow of receiving guidance from your inner wisdom for what you need and want, and then reaching out to express your gifts and experience meaningful and supportive connections and relationships.

I can’t wait to see what we’ll all create from our frozen energy!

—–

Mind-Body Coach Kelly C. Mullen started Whole-Self Wisdom Coaching to help those who feel exhausted stop all the doing and start being who they really are, so they can live a life with more ease, and make an impact in the world without compromising their health and ability to engage in meaningful and supportive relationships.  Whether it’s through private coaching, or facilitating workshops, she creates and holds a space for her clients to strengthen the connection to the four parts of themselves – mind, body, spirit, emotions – so they can connect to and trust that their inner wisdom will guide them into more ease, energy and engagement. You’ll find her at www.kellycmullen.com