In my early twenties, I was new to the self-help genre and had spent most of my formative years trying to be an excellent violinist. When I picked up John Sarno’s The Mindbody Prescription, the personality profile he described fairly smacked me in the face. Perfectionism? Trying to be good all the time? Feeling responsible for everything? I just thought that was how one should live life!

He made me see, however, that the extreme pain I was experiencing from vulvodynia was talking to me. It was time to take stock and change how I was treating myself.

Thus began my self-awareness journey, in which I started to peel back layer after layer of beliefs, patterns, and perceptions, always working to know my true self more and more. The more I did this, the better I felt, in body, mind, and spirit.

Every year of this ongoing journey, I feel more aligned with myself, more confident, stronger, and just – happier.

Except for a few days every month, in which many of my old patterns, issues, and less-than-constructive behaviors rise up and take over, seemingly out of my control.

Yep. PMS.

For a while, I sought help from naturopaths, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, and massage therapists to try to eradicate this monthly craziness. Certainly it helped some, and alleviated a lot of various physical symptoms I had during PMS. Mentally? Well, that’s less predictable. (On the plus side, my husband is still alive, so I retain some control over the crazy, grumpy person who emerges monthly.)

Then, I read Eckhart Tolle’s work and was introduced to the idea of the pain-body. If you haven’t heard of this concept, here’s how Tolle explains it:

“The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose.”

I can buy that. However, he also suggests that women are more susceptible to being taken over by the pain-body, especially during our cycles.

Normally, I love reading books about spiritual awakening. And I do feel inspired by Tolle’s work.

But, I have a confession. When I first read about this pain-body/PMS thing, I thought, “That….that….that – MAN!” Seriously. It is hard to listen to what any man has to say about my cycle. Does he have hormones doing weird things to him every month? Does he even remotely understand? There he is, all Zen and smug, nattering on about the pain-body. (It is possible that I was in PMS when I first read this pain-body stuff.)

After reading all of that, I decided I would NOT have this ridiculous pain-body thing happen to me every month. I would be sane. I would be relaxed. I would not have a hair-trigger. I would not be grumpy. I would not take every small comment personally, including remarks about the weather. I would prove this Tolle character wrong.

Several years later, I have to admit to absolutely no success. Nada.

Every month, the same thing happens, to varying degrees. PMS emerges, snaking into my everyday experience with a sly, quiet stealth. Then, it pounces.

Let me just say, for a person who loves spiritual awakening, is excited to discover more and more about herself, and would like to become more and more loving, this has been a little frustrating. Or a lot frustrating.

Then, last week, the clouds parted, light shone down from the heavens, and…

Nope, PMS did not disappear. It arrived, on schedule.

However, something pretty miraculous did happen.

As a result of all of the self-kindness practices I’ve been doing for the last several years, I had a huge epiphany.

All this time, I’ve been trying to get rid of PMS, feeling ashamed that I still become so irrational, so awful, so plain – YUCK – every month. I’ve been rejecting that part of myself, over and over again.

I have NOT been practicing self-kindness around PMS.

So, this month, I did. I accepted and allowed the venomous snake to arrive, just like it always does. I did not try to shove it down or ignore it. Instead, I simply observed it. (Remember the spy skills? I used those!) I was kind to myself, not trying to change the fact that I had PMS.

Here’s the funny part. Whenever my “stuff” (thought patterns, behavior patterns, issues, neuroses) shows up, it’s basically a self-growth gold mine. It’s the perfect learning ground. It’s not about shoving that stuff down, pushing it away, or rising above it. It’s about embracing it.

In the depths of every bag of stuff lies treasure.

When I finally allowed myself to be – just be – during PMS, I learned so much about myself. I saw myself more clearly. I discovered new insights. I unravelled the origins of a few old patterns, and felt a bit freer.

I emerged on the other side of the muck feeling…more awake. I see myself more clearly. I feel lighter. I feel more joyful.

I see the cyclical nature of this process, and I am kind of jazzed at the thought that every month I can easily access the “dark side” and emerge with new self-awareness. Any old, stuffed-down emotional sludge that’s ready for release pops right up into my awareness. I’d been tossing aside the most straightforward path to truth and growth.

In the words of  one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron,

“Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.”

It’s possible Eckhart Tolle is right. Maybe we women do experience more pain-body each month. Now, though, I see it as an advantage. Here is your stuff, served up on a silver platter, each month. Easy to see, impossible to hide from, ready to be faced.

Sure, it can be a challenge. It’s not always pleasant. Fun isn’t really the word to describe it. However, if you can see the cyclical nature, it becomes easier. Walk through the swamp, then frolic in the meadow. Over and over again. The best thing is, the meadow becomes a little brighter and sunnier on each round trip.

Back in my twenties, good old John Sarno woke me up to myself. My body healed. My mind flourished. My heart expanded. I set foot on this spiritual awakening path, ready for the adventure. Now, I’m a seasoned traveler, but I learn more each and every day. I learn from every part of me; the yuck and wisdom alike.

P.S. Would you like to learn how to use my most effective mind-body healing tool? You can do just that when you join the Kindness Community!

In June, I’m teaching a class in the community that will show you, step-by-step, how to use my most effective tool for pain-relief. It packs enough punch to be the only tool you really need if you’re trying to heal from a form of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). Details here!

Perfect. What is perfect? I decided to look up the definition and found the following delicious tidbit from Wiktionary, “Having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” – I love that.

I started to wonder, why is this word or concept so loaded for so many of us?  As I read some of the definitions, I notice my body feels relaxed and tingly and slightly giddy – all personal signals I’ve come to recognize when things feel true and right to me.  Yet I noticed yesterday, when I was feeling shame and sadness come up, that I was unconsciously pressuring myself to do ‘authenticity’ perfectly. It felt like being trapped – a constriction to my wellbeing.   

A little back-story … I’ve been practicing showing up more authentically in the world.  It’s looked like connecting and sharing myself more via the Great and Powerful FACEBOOK.  It’s been a mix of feelings for me. Sometimes gratitude and joy, like when I connect with someone and I feel really seen and warm and grateful to be connected to such a lovely being.  My heart feels full, like it’s been dusted with the tiny magic ‘green things’ that made the peach grow in James and the Giant Peach. It feels as big as a house and as sweet and rich as I imagine the peach.

And then other times it feels like embarrassment and shame, like when I shared with someone how much I admired and liked their work and they never acknowledged my comment. I felt like the kid that foolishly talked to the ‘cool kids,’ and they responded with looks of contempt and mocking, saying with their eyes, “Why do you think you can talk to US? You’re not our kind.” I feel small as I remember.

Then the downward spiral of thoughts begins …

Am I doing this right?

Am I really being authentic?

Did I check in with myself before I posted that I liked that person’s work?

If I were doing it right people would respond to me differently and I’d have more ‘Likes.’

Was I just being graspy and hoping they would like me if I complimented them?

Am I trying too hard?

What’s wrong with me?

I must not even know who I am!

And on and on it goes … 

But as I bring the clarifying brilliance of my awareness in, I see that it’s not my desire to do authenticity perfectly that’s the problem – it’s my belief about what perfect authenticity looks like.

I’ve been unconsciously telling myself that being authentic means the same thing for EVERYONE. Things like, if I’m really being authentic I shouldn’t ever censor what I say. I should just blurt things out. I should swear more publicly (I swear enough privately), and I should share my deepest feelings and yearnings with everyone. 

Maybe it would look like that and maybe it wouldn’t. 

I’m reminded of the definition of perfect, “complete of its nature and kind … having all its parts in harmony with a common purpose.” 

So how can I come back to the harmony of my true nature?

I start by tuning in to my whole self; my body, emotions, mind and spirit.  They are loyal and loving friends that bring me toward my perfect authenticity.

I use the Hotter & Colder Game. I’m like a researcher gathering and recording information.  What in each moment feels like “Hot” – or closer to my authentic nature to these different parts of myself?  What feels like “Cold” –  or inauthentic? 

“Colder” to me feels like closing up, drained, anxious, tense, graspy and icky … like there is not enough and I am not enough.

“Hotter” to me often feels like open, warm, peaceful, strong, content and sometimes joyful and excited. Other times “hotter” feels expansive and scary all at the same time. It reminds me of the Buddha quote about enlightenment, it might not be easy but it tastes of freedom.

It’s about coming back to my OWN personal nature and the common purpose of all the different parts of me.

My experience toward perfect authenticity has been uncomfortable … and yet, discovering my fixed beliefs around it feels like finding the last piece to a difficult puzzle that I loved – knowing that it’s not the last puzzle of my life – there are so many more to tend to. But this one is finished. Complete. In this moment, the parts inside of me are harmonizing. Perfect.    

Endorsed Coach – Linda Bayly-Fennell

I am a Mind-Body Coach and a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. I live in upstate NY with my husband, two elementary school aged kids and our dear and wild Australian cattle dog.

Most of my life I’ve struggled with trying to be the ‘right’ thing … the right person, daughter, friend, employee, mother, wife, coach … whatever it was, I desperately wanted to do it ‘perfectly’ and be ‘good’.  Not a fun way to live. It took its toll on my body and wellbeing.  Through my coach trainings I learned how to tune in to my own internal wisdom, letting it guide me toward what was right for me.  As a coach, I’m here to help you on your journey. My clients appreciate the warm, welcoming, safe space I provide. They also say I’m wise, funny and open…. irreverent and kind.

If you would like to learn more about coaching together, please send me an email.

Ha ha ha!

Oh sorry, I just had to stop and laugh. I seriously thought that – but wow, was I ever delusional!

I can’t say that I have loved being in physical pain, but I can say that now I get the point. I see why pain had to show up and ask me to look inward at my emotional awareness and my thinking. There’s nothing like a little crack of the whip to make a person snap to attention and get to work!

Looking back, it is all very clear. I wanted to be a loving, kind mother who teaches her daughter how to be loving and kind – to herself! Loving-kindness starts with one’s self, and then it radiates outward to those around us. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. That is a powerful motivator for me as a mother. To teach love, I need to be love.

I think we women struggle with this self-love thing mightily. The words self-love have been tossed around and sometimes, to me, feel as though they’ve lost their meaning.  What is self-love or self-kindness? How do we even do it?

I’ve learned a lot about this recently, and I’ve thought a lot about the consequences of not loving myself. There are many signals that have woken me up to self-love  – physical pain, emotional pain, stress, body image and eating issues, and more. In our culture, we focus on fixing these problems, but we don’t make the root connection between them and the self-love concept.

I am very confident about this connection, and not just because I’ve read books about this.  A few months ago, I asked God to please tell me why I was in pain and what I needed to do to heal. I did this before bed, and then drifted into sleep. That night, I dreamed I was in a coaching session, being coached by a very loving, kind entity. In the dream, I told this “coach” why I thought I was suffering. The being gently shook her head and smiled. “No,” she said, “that’s not why. It’s time to learn self-love.” Then I felt, to the core of my being, exactly what she meant. I woke up with a new understanding of self-love that goes beyond words, beyond the mind, and beyond anything I’ve ever understood in the past. Since then, I’ve been on a path of discovery about bringing this self-love into my life.

I used to think self-love sounded selfish. I used to feel confused about how to love myself and at the same time, let go of my identity, my thinking, and my identification with the ego. Now, though, I see that self-love is about loving every part of me, from ego to eternal self. Every last little thing. When I do this, I become present, right here, loving me, loving everything, and loving everyone. I begin to see the non-separateness, the un-nameable from which we all emerge.

So how does one go about doing this? Here’s what I have been doing thus far:

• accepting, feeling, and honoring my true emotions
• noticing the thoughts I have that aren’t kind to myself and realizing they are just thoughts (as Byron Katie  says – realizing those thoughts are just confusion)
• being willing to learn what my true needs are, and then addressing them  (speaking up when I need to, taking action when I need to, asking for help when I need to)
• accessing my own inner wisdom
• trusting my inner wisdom (not relying on experts and external opinions so much – those can be validating, but first, looking within for the answers)
• purposefully saying kind, loving things to myself and choosing to look at where I can admire, respect, and enjoy who I am – my personality, my gifts, my body, my foibles, and everything in between
• cultivating the ability to observe my thinking, emotions, breath, current experience, and to simply be here, now
• opening up to joy right now, right here, in this moment, no matter what
• seeing the beauty all around me and within me

Before my pregnancy, I often thought about how I wanted to start a movement for women around self-love. I wanted to help other women learn this deep skill and pass it on to their daughters.

But the movement starts at home. With me. I can’t lead a movement or teach Aela how to love herself without loving myself. Over the last few months, I’ve discovered just how much I have been criticizing myself, pushing down my needs, not asking for help, not respecting my inner wisdom, and trying to push my emotions away. (Still! Even after ten years of mind-body work! Amazing.)

What’s your opinion? Have I missed any elements of self-love? Who wants to join me? Do you want to start the movement, too, right in your own home?

I’m not kidding.  As a coach, I really get to see these women.  They very graciously allow me into their worlds, tell me their thoughts and emotions, and share who they are with me.  As a result, I am awestruck by their inner beauty.  I see how much they shine, from the inside out.  Most of the time, I only hear their voice and never meet them in person.  And yet – it is so easy to see how incredible they are.

It makes me think, week after week, about something unusual.  I start to wonder what it would be like if everyone could really see how amazing they are.  What if everyone knew, in their hearts, that they are an awesome human being, valuable, whole, and magnificent, right now?

All these women I’ve worked with believe they need to change something about themselves before they can be proud of who they are.  They think they need to lose weight, be smarter, have it together, find an amazing career, stop feeling sad, get well, be better at something, be more fit, less afraid…the list goes on and on.  These women think they need to fix something about themselves before they can feel okay about who they are.

The funny thing is, the more they try to fix themselves, the less they share their unique selves with the world.  They hide the very best parts of themselves and try to be something that’s just a pale imitation of the real deal.  I get it, because I’ve certainly done it, too.  Which is why I know it doesn’t lead to valuing one’s self.

I believe that everything about these women is awesome.  All of their emotions, moods, thoughts, achievements, non-achievements, mistakes, successes, hairstyles, body sizes, etc.  Every little thing that makes up who they are in this moment is what makes them so unique, so amazing, and so – them.  Yet, here they are, trying so hard to fix themselves up.   Here they are, not looking at their very own awesomeness.  All they can see is where they need improvement.

Coaching isn’t about fixing yourself.  It’s about seeing yourself.  It’s about letting go of all that pressure to be different than who you really are, right now.  It’s about relaxing and saying, “I’m mad/sad/afraid/happy right now.”  It’s about delving into the mystery of who you are, discovering more fascinating nuggets each day.

So what I’d really like to know is this:  What do you see, about yourself, that you can celebrate today? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy.  I’m celebrating that I can admit to myself just how terrified I am of the mouse in my kitchen.  Instead of thinking I should be braver, I am allowing myself to be who I am right now – woman who is afraid of tiny little mouse.  I’m celebrating that I rarely try to do anything perfectly anymore, and as a result, I have more fun and success than ever before.  I’m celebrating that I am getting more and more real with myself about my own emotions, and I’m making delightful discoveries about myself as a result.

How are you awesome? I really want to know your answer.  I see it in you – in the emails you write to me, the coaching sessions you have with me – but do you?  It’s time to decide that you can see your own awesomeness.  It’s not egotistical or wrong or bad.  In fact, it’s the number one most healing thing you can do, hands down, for your mind, body, and spirit.  Your spirit already knows how awesome you are.  So when you start to see it, too, watch out.  You will be unstoppable.  You will be you.  You will be so much more than this “fixed up” version of yourself you’re trying to be.

I can’t wait!