Two weeks later, we’d drawn the battle lines.

We bit each other’s heads off as we negotiated who would get five free seconds to brush teeth or poop sans child. Or, who would get to take a turn to sleep, since our child DID NOT SLEEP, ever, unless someone was holding her.

(To be fair, I may have been the one doing most of the biting off of heads. Er, hormones and such.)

Just like that, our fourteen-year marriage began to unravel.

My inner rage mounted daily. My husband was a tiny bit put off by my postpartum angries, (read, I was a scary, scary person) and our communication and affection dropped to an all-time low.

I felt bad that I was so mad at him. I could see, through the sleep-deprived, new-mother haze, that I was probably being unfair. Yet, I couldn’t seem to help the extreme desire to commit homicide. It was a rage that pushed through me and exploded out of all my seams; impossible to hide.

I’ve always said that mind-body tools heal everything.

So, I got out my own mind-body tools and went to work. As I connected to the anger and felt underneath it for the truth, insight arose. Upon giving birth to a newborn, who needed me pretty much every second of every day, it was much harder to get my needs met than before, when I was childless.

Simple daily things like drinking water, preparing food, eating food, showering, sleeping, and using the bathroom all required so much effort. I couldn’t just zip around and do what I needed for myself, because often I had a small, adorable baby nursing away, merrily taking her sweet time to fill her baby belly.

I actually loved nursing her, but I also felt immensely trapped. I had to ask for help, tell my husband what I needed, and give him clear and unapologetic information. I found this incredibly hard.

At first, I felt the urge to apologize every time I needed food while nursing or a restroom break while rocking. After overcoming that, I still felt weird and angry every time I had to ask for help. Why couldn’t he just see that I was 1) exhausted 2) had to pee or 3) desperate for sleep? Why wasn’t he noticing my needs and reaching out to help?

Giving birth and the ensuing challenges forced me to see that, for fourteen years, I’d been expecting my spouse to read my mind.

This terrible communication habit simply had to stop. And for it to stop, I had to acknowledge, own, and embrace my needs, and the fact that sometimes I need help. I had to value myself enough to speak up for me.

Before my kid was born, I cheated. I just took care of myself, and if I really needed help, I found vague, roundabout, or confusing ways to communicate that to my spouse. With a baby in our lives, there was no way to cheat anymore. I had to learn to be direct. My relationship was broken, and my body was in pain, too. It was expressing this lack of self-care loud and clear.

It was astonishing to discover this huge gap in self-love.

I couldn’t believe it was so hard to value myself and ask for help. The humbling truth was that I really needed to change how I treated myself. I needed to be kind to me, and to treat myself like I treated my daughter. I needed to give myself the sense of worth and value I wanted to instill in her.

As I became kinder to myself, I became kinder to my spouse. My heart opened, and compassion arose. I saw that speaking my needs clearly and directly was the kindest way to communicate with him. And, indeed, it was. He was immensely relieved to be done with mind-reading, and our relationship began to heal. My body healed, too.

That postpartum year was the hardest year I’ve ever experienced. I look back with immense gratitude that I had my mind-body tools. They were the only reason I was able to create a whole new life; a stronger, love-filled life that supports me and my little family. They helped me see myself with kind awareness, instead of staying stuck in a self-judgment pattern. With that kind awareness, I was able to create change, shift patterns, speak up, take care of me, and heal myself yet again, mind, body, and soul.

If you’re struggling at all with a relationship, do this simple process:

1. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry, hurt, sad, or whatever you feel. Let yourself feel it. Pay attention to the sensations of the emotion in your body.
2. Take time to journal about your needs. Write anything you want, and don’t censor. What do you need most? What would help you feel freer, more connected with the other person, or simply better?
3. Find an action step that allows you to meet your own need, first. (In my example, I needed help, but I had to ask directly; that was my action step.) Put your power back in your own hands.
4. Communicate to the other person around any changes in your behavior, if needed. (You might find you need to apologize, or speak up around something, or request a change in a situation.)

This is the beauty of mind-body work: It’s able to cut to the core of the pain, no matter what kind of pain it is, and gently open the heart to new wisdom, new life, and new love.

Abigail

P.S. Want to learn the art of mind-body healing for your life? (And maybe even to help others?) Take the 2016 Mind-Body Coach Training! Click here for details. You can still snag a $500 discount!

And, I’m not the only one who’s experienced relationship healing and ease from the mind-body tools. Christina Muller, a 2015 mind-body coach trainee, shares this:

I took Abigail’s Mind-Body Coach Training, and now, when I don’t feel well or need a rest, I’m able to notice that and ask my husband for help. Before I would have waited for him to offer, and been annoyed when he didn’t. We’re both much happier this way – I get the help I need, and he doesn’t have to be a mind-reader!

Exhausted.

Like part of your body is permanently molded into the bed.

When you start paying attention to your body and actually listening to its needs, one of the first things that happens is usually exhaustion. It’s like you pick up the rug and realize you’ve been sweeping stuff under it for years. Now, here you are, faced with reality: You. Are. Tired.

So very tired.

This is normal! In our culture, we often push ourselves crazy-hard. We ignore our bodies and blow past signals for rest and recuperation. We focus on doing, doing, doing. Our to-do lists become more important than our physical bodies.

I frequently fall into this habit, even after years of deep practice around listening to my body and respecting its messages.

Self-kindness is called for when you confront your tendencies to shove aside your body’s guidance and end up sick or in pain.

You didn’t do this on purpose.

You’re not bad or wrong for ignoring your body, or for being tired.

This is all just information, and you can simply be curious. Why did I think it was more important to clean my house, work late, and then paint the ceiling than to take a few moments to settle in for a little rest?

You’ll probably find that your mind thinks you should work 24/7 to be a worthwhile person, you’re a little afraid of the emotions or insights that might pop up if you stop, and nobody ever says, “Wow! Amazing job resting today!”

All of these reasons make it more challenging to get off the treadmill and stop moving.

When you finally do, you’ll probably have some accumulated exhaustion in your body. That’s ok. No judgment necessary. Right now, just rest.

Then rest some more.

Then rest some more.

It’s your path to health. And joy. And creativity.

You are doing SUCH A GREAT JOB RESTING! You are AMAZING when you rest so much!

(Print those last two sentences out and post them somewhere handy.)

Keep up the good resting.

My low back is killing me.

I’m walking like I need a cane – and I shouldn’t be!

I’ve applied mind-body coaching and many other modalities, but the tension is still there – I should be over this already!

Sound familiar?

After several mind-body coaching sessions, my inner wisdom guided me to be kind to myself. I followed through on it’s guidance and made the call to my massage therapist, but…

She was on vacation.

My low back often reminds me to tune-in and it started acting up again after a week’s retreat in Crestone, Colorado. The retreat’s agenda was amazing, but the tight schedule (something I’d been avoiding since I made the transition from corporate to coaching) felt a bit demanding. I found myself waking earlier than usual and with a sense of hurriedness. In addition, it took me awhile to unwind and fall asleep at the end of the day, which only made waking up more challenging.

Three days in and I had an unusual bout of constipation (Only in a Mind-body blog post is this not TMI). As someone that believes in the wisdom of the body, I sat on the pot wondering – Alright, what am I resisting? What needs to be let go of and released? (okay, maybe that is TMI).

At the time, it really didn’t sink in that my sympathetic nervous system – the one that perceives that I’m in physical danger – had been triggered (I was on vacation! How could I be stressed out?)

Furthermore, it didn’t even occur to me to say anything to the organizers who were therapists and body-workers – and who had stressed that it’s normal for our stuff to come up and to reach out if we needed them. So, why did I dismiss my physical symptoms? Why didn’t I leave more time for myself in the morning to check in and see how I was feeling – even during the morning meditation? Why didn’t I say something? Why didn’t I reach out?

One of the cool things on the agenda included a visit to the Zen Monastery. After a 45-minute meditation with the monks, the primary teacher opened a discussion with us about Buddhism. My ears perked up when he referred to their schedule as a vehicle for shifting the monks out of their preferences and old habits. For example, he might change the morning meditation to 3:30am if the 4:00am schedule became too comfortable – routine. I sensed that living there invited a continuous process of going to the edge of resistance, feeling it, and then working with the thoughts that were creating it.

I decided to raised the question of how to balance a demanding schedule (even with activities I looked forward to and didn’t want to miss out on) with the body’s natural rhythm and flow. After all, if I don’t get enough sleep, there is a real physiological response. Do I really want my hormones to go haywire? I asked the monk, “With such a rigid schedule at the monastery, how can you tell whether it’s resistance, or your body’s true need for taking care of itself? I can see the value of creating a schedule and other circumstances that prompt us out of our comfort zone. I can see how it helps to bring our areas of resistance into our awareness so you can make a conscious choice to let them go, but how can you do this and yet balance the need to take care of your body and overall well-being?”

The teacher referred to one of the other monks who’d been at the monastery for four years. He was quick to reply (with a hint of New York accent), “It ain’t easy!” He continued to say that “There are trade-offs. It’s a choice.” He chooses to live in the zen monastery community with it’s rigid schedule (my choice of word), but he’s conscious of the trade-offs and the choices he’s making.

I still couldn’t let it go (pun intended). I wanted to hear the retreat organizer’s perspective as well. I asked, “With a retreat is intentionally designed to help participants become aware of their resistance, how can you balance that with the need to respect your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being?”

She simply asked me a few questions and it got real. She pointed out that my inner child was saying, “I don’t want to be on anyone else’s schedule”, “I’ve got to be good/perfect, do what’s expected…meet someone else’s expectations, people-please…and I don’t like it and I don’t want to do that anymore” (picture inner child with hand on hip). This was the resistance that was making it difficult for me to wake up and believe that now, as an adult, that I have a choice.

The demanding schedule was really a gift – prompting me to become aware of the choices available to me so that I could indeed consciously choose.

But I didn’t. I didn’t take the time to tune into my body to ask what I really needed and wanted. Logically, I knew I didn’t want to miss out on anything and I didn’t want to create any potential conflict either (I wanted to be liked, good, etc).   In all likelihood, I may have chosen to do everything exactly the same, but I realize now, that my experience might have differed had I made a conscious choice.

So at this point, I hadn’t really experienced the tightness in my low back, but that all changed on the drive home. The sensations became even more pronounced after I was safe and sound at home – with the familiar (Isn’t it interesting that the physical symptoms appeared when I perceived that I was in a “safe” environment?)

I struggled for several days, barely able to put dishes in the dishwasher. Fortunately, I had my annual appointment with a woman who specializes in Mayan abdominal massage (nod to my inner wisdom’s initial guidance) and holistic pelvic care.   As she massaged my back, she noticed that my left hip and sacrum were out of place which was actually creating the tension I felt on the right side of my low back.

I then turned over and she said the energy in my abdomen felt sticky. I felt it too and remembered a comment another body-worker made to me upon observing my posture who suggested that there was a correlation between my back issue and my psoas muscle. Lying on the massage table, an image appeared in my mind’s eye – It was a steel rod along the right side of my psoas muscles. She continued to massage that area and asked me what it needed. Immediately, an image of a blow torch appeared, melting the steel rod and turning the steel into liquid gold.

How true. I’d learned so much through this journey, with each lesson worth it’s weight in gold.

I learned that while I was indeed back in a “safe” environment for me to process my experience and emotional energy from the trip, I’d also returned back to an old agenda of “getting down to business”; “I better get the business going, but then not too much or I won’t be able to manage my time effectively and I’ll get overwhelmed and collapse under the pressure; I won’t have choices, and even if I do, I won’t be able to say no; I won’t have time, or the presence of mind, to tune into what I need; I won’t be able to consciously choose…and I won’t like that! (Oh to be aware!)

But this time…in addition to becoming aware of my thoughts, I gave myself a moment to consciously check-in to what I needed and wanted. Here’s what I learned…

What do I need to care for myself?

I imagined biting into a luscious strawberry and felt the need to experience more pleasure and joy. Like the deep red of the strawberry, I needed to nourish myself with vibrant experiences that make me feel alive.

That means going to the edge of resistance and using it as a prompt to turn inward – To then ask what I need and want in the moment, and perhaps what would be fun too. When I look at a schedule, or another circumstance that will likely prompt my resistance, I can recognize that I need to allocate some additional time for this type of inner wisdom check-in to occur. That way, I can have the space for myself to consciously choose whether to go to the edge of my resistance (or even past it, breaking the pattern of my comfort zone and old habit), or decide that what I need is to rest, or move more slowly.

What do I want?

I imagined a solid gold bar and the desire to feel rich and abundant as well as precious, important and valued.

And so, I turned the steel rod into a new thought – I am valuable and rich. Instead of fearing that I’ll upset someone (and potentially feeling the emotional energy related to that), I can voice what I’m experiencing, what I need, and what I want because what I have to say is important.

This is the process of turning resistance into gold.

—–

Mind-Body Coach Kelly C. Mullen started Whole-Self Wisdom Coaching to help those who feel exhausted stop all the doing and start being who they really are, so they can live a life with more ease, and make an impact in the world without compromising their health and ability to engage in meaningful and supportive relationships. Whether it’s through private coaching, or facilitating workshops, she creates and holds a space for her clients to strengthen the connection to the four parts of themselves – mind, body, spirit, emotions – so they can connect to and trust that their inner wisdom will guide them into more ease, energy and engagement. You’ll find her at www.kellycmullen.com

I have an amazing teacher in my house. She’s two years old, adorable, and notices EVERYTHING.

A couple of weeks ago, I took her to the park for a picnic. We spread out the blanket, got out the food, and settled in to enjoy an alfresco dinner. To be honest, I kind of wanted to relax. I might have even laid on the blanket with my eyes closed, for a minute. Sometimes, by which I mean all the time, having a two-year-old is exhausting.

I pulled myself up from a reclined position with these mental commands:

“Get up! You have to! You can’t sleep right now! But imagine how lovely your pillow will feel in just a few short hours! Oh God! Pillow! Pillow!”

Unloading the picnic, I handed Aela a few crackers. She chewed for several seconds while marveling about the texture of the picnic blanket on her bare feet.

“No shoes,” she said, happily. I smiled back. It felt nice to relax together, munching on our picnic fare.

Suddenly, she stood up and took off running.

With what felt like every ounce of my remaining energy, I dashed after her. Plonking her back on the picnic blanket, I reviewed the picnic guidelines.

“No running when you’re eating. We stay on the blanket to eat.”

She stood up, walked to the edge of the blanket, and with careful precision, put one big toe in the grass. She turned and looked at me, eyes full of mischief.

“Nope,” I said, shaking my head. She moved her toe back to the blanket.

“Yep,” I said. She moved her toe back off the blanket.

“Nope,” I said. She moved her toe back to the blanket.

“Yep,” I said. She sat down and ate some blueberries.

With Aela in my life, I am learning, every minute of every day, how to set clear boundaries. In the past, I have been fairly horrible at that. I have worried about others’ feelings, not wanted to disappoint people, been afraid someone might not like me, and a myriad of other things.

In my pre-toddler life, my lack of boundaries would often result in exploding doormat syndrome, difficult communication with others, and lack of self-care.

Now, however, I have a teacher. A really, really, good teacher.

Suddenly, I see that boundaries are not about people’s feelings, what others think of me, or anything like that at all. They are about well-being – both physical and emotional.

Boundaries create a safe space within which we can be ourselves, be free, and feel supported. They create physical safety, but they also create soul safety. I see it every day. When I set a clear boundary, Aela may resist it, be upset about it, and throw a fit. She gets to do that, and I listen to her protests, because I understand. But they don’t change the boundary. Once she’s expressed herself, she settles into the space I’ve created. I can see that we are creating a shared trust in each other through this process. My job is to set boundaries that keep her physically safe, so that she can roam and explore. Her job is to roam and explore and discover this world.

It’s blatantly obvious to me that setting boundaries for her is an act of kindness. The better I get at it, the happier and more content she is. And some of the boundaries I set with her are about my well-being, too. I can’t reach into the backseat and take her shoes off while driving on a busy street, even if that’s what she wants.  Sometimes my soul needs to have structure within which to roam free, too. So I set clear bedtime schedules and routines, and we honor those. My soul feels good when I take care of me. It knows it can trust me to be there for it. So some nights, when Aela is asking for the twenty-third kiss before she can fall asleep, I tell her that I’m tired, I’m heading to bed, too, and that this is the LAST kiss. And then I follow through.

I’m seeing just how vital it is to set loving, compassionate boundaries.

It’s kind to me. It’s kind to others. I don’t suddenly explode at them, because they’ve moved past a boundary I didn’t express. I don’t resent them because I said yes when I meant no. I can trust myself to create a sense of safety in my life. A safe space within which to play, work, rest, and be me. I have to listen and see if whatever has just come up feels right to me, or if it’s just one toe over the line. And even if it’s just one toe over the line, that counts. That’s crossing the boundary. I can express the boundary limit and therefore deepen the sense of trust I have with myself.

It’s one of the biggest acts of self-care I’ve ever undertaken. It’s an enormous learning curve. And I have the best teacher I could ever imagine.

P.S. Want some help learning how to create this level of self-care and boundary-setting? If you don’t have a two-year-old handy, you might want help from a horse. Did I just say horse? Why yes I did! To find out what I’m talking about, take a peek at my upcoming Listening for Truth Workshop  with Koelle Simpson and Jennifer Voss! (Only a couple spots left!)

Many years ago (just how many is Top Secret), I was in my early twenties, struggling with a syndrome called Interstitial Cystitis. (Ok, fine. It was fifteen years ago. Gasp!) I had just been diagnosed, which involved undergoing a procedure that I still can’t even talk about without fainting from horror. I was basically in a total panic, all the time, because there seemed to be little hope for healing from IC, as it’s called.

After much medical system hoopla, I finally found a local urologist who treated IC. I arrived at his office, desperation and a few remaining threads of hope in my heart. The nurse ushered me into the exam room, handed me the paper cover-up, and left. I stripped down, sat on the exam table, and unfolded the paper cover-up. I stared at it. First, it was the size of a napkin, and second, it had a hole in the middle (presumably for man-parts).

I did, indeed, spend that entire appointment talking to a male physician while covering myself up with a napkin that had a very, very strategic hole in it. Awkward hardly covers it. Heh. (Sadly, this was only one of my many, many Mortifying Medical Moments.)

That urologist wasn’t able to cure my IC, and it would be two years later before I actually returned to health. In fact, IC was just the beginning of my healing journey. Shortly after that embarrassing appointment, I developed vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis, and pelvic floor dysfunction. All of these syndromes are considered chronic.

I had no idea, at the time, that my life’s work was calling. I just thought I was doomed to suffer horribly embarrassing medical issues until I literally died of mortification, or possibly sheer panic. I went from living a normal life to being unable to wear underwear, walk, ride a bike, wear jeans, or sit without pain.

After much struggle, I finally discovered mind-body healing. I dove into every mind-body resource I could find, certain I’d found the key to my well-being. The healthier I got, and the more I returned to normal life, the more excited I felt. This mind-body stuff was cool! I wasn’t doomed to live with these incurable illnesses. I was a music teacher by day, but I made self-discovery, the mind-body tools, and taking care of me my real job.

It took me a few years to realize I was meant to be a life coach. It took me even longer to realize my life’s purpose was to help others apply mind-body healing in their lives. And took even longer to realize I was meant to train coaches myself in how to use mind-body tools with their clients. And then, I realized what I’m about to share with you.

In my healing journey, I began awakening to who I am – a spirit, a soul, a consciousness that’s much more than I knew before. I saw that pain made me wake up to new understandings about myself. Yet, even with that new awareness, I was so very hard on myself. It was a pattern so ingrained that I didn’t know what to do about it. I would drop into periods of extreme self-doubt and unkindness toward myself.

Despite having studied mind-body healing in depth and being pain-free a large part of the time, I periodically experienced more rounds of pain syndrome struggles. Every time I hit a health roadblock, I took a hard look at where I’d recently been walking, found I’d detoured off my path, and had to take steps to return to it.

Every time, I realized I’d not been taking care of me, applying the mind-body tools to me, or being kind to myself. Every time, I learned hard lessons.

But – why? Why did I veer off the path of kindness toward myself? Why did I forget to use the mind-body tools, which I know are so important, on myself?

A few weeks ago, I went to a bicycle shop and test-rode a new bike. I hopped on it and rode around the local college campus, taking in the smell of the trees, the fresh air on my skin, and the deliciousness of the bike carrying me swiftly down the road. I realized that it’s been fifteen years since that horrible urology appointment. I felt gratitude for the well-being I have right now. The ability to ride a bike. The comfort in my body. The joy of being alive and much more awake to who I really am. I reveled in my recent self-kindness practices and how good they’ve made me feel.

Suddenly, it hit me. I realized that when I first discovered mind-body healing, during those first two years of fabulous health, I didn’t serve others as my main focus. I served me. And that’s the key.

I suddenly saw that kindness to me, using the mind-body tools on me, awakening to deeper understanding of myself, and taking care of me is my life’s purpose. It’s not sharing mind-body healing with others. I had it totally backwards.

In my coaching practice, I help healers. Pretty much everyone I work with IS a healer, even if they haven’t come to that awareness yet or discovered how they are meant to serve others, exactly. I help them find the missing link; the reason they are not yet feeling well-being in mind, body, and spirit. I teach healers how to be kind to themselves so that they can actively serve others without regular physical illness or burnout.

They come to me, and they ask the questions: Why am I not healthy? Why am I stressed? How do I do this mind-body connection thing? I’m trying so hard! Am I missing something? They ask the same questions I’ve sometimes asked myself.

They know they’re almost on the path. They’re so close. But these people aren’t experiencing complete well-being. They’re stressed. They’re tired. They’re beating themselves up. They feel like they’re giving so much. They feel guilty or judge themselves around rest and hesitate to rest as much as they seem to need. They think they should be producing all the time, getting things done, and yet sometimes they just…aren’t. They don’t always feel the energy and passion carrying them effortlessly along their path to serving others.

Why not?

Because the calling, the passion, the healing work, and the serving or taking care of others is just the footnote. It’s not the real story.

The real story is YOU.

You’re meant to serve you. That’s your job.

It’s the compassionate person’s and healer’s Achilles’ Heel; giving to others and serving them without giving to ourselves and serving ourselves. And, as you might suspect, I’m focusing on this in my own life, every day. It’s my Achilles’ Heel, too, as a healer, a mother, a wife, and friend. Every time I experience physical issues, it’s because I’m engaged in this pattern of lack of self-kindness and self-care, and much external focus toward others.

It’s our JOB, as healers and generally loving beings, to focus on deep kindness toward ourselves. We’re meant to give ourselves everything we give to others…and more. The healing work we do with others is meant to be completely secondary to the healing work we do with ourselves.

In fact, unless we’re actively kind to ourselves – which looks like allowing our emotions to flow, noticing our mind stories, and listening to our body’s wisdom – we’re not a clear channel when we work with others in a healing capacity. We can’t be effective healers when we’re not practicing self-care.

Maybe I’m preaching to the choir. Or, maybe you’re thinking, “Ok, that’s great, but HOW do I do this self-care and kindness job?” Maybe you’re wondering what the point of coaching or healing others is, if it’s not our job? If it isn’t our job, why is it so fun? Maybe you’re wondering how we can take care of ourselves and still also serve others, bring in income, and not be “selfish?” I want to hear the questions this brings to your mind. This conversation is just beginning, and I look forward to continuing it with you. Comment here on the blog, or email me at abigail@abigailsteidley.com.

Want support in doing this self-kindness job? You might be interested in the Kindness Community!

We See a Need and We Fill it

A pattern I recognize in myself and other women is the tendency to make other people more important than ourselves.  We go out of our way to help other people be more comfortable and live their best lives.  We see a need and we fill it.  We see a solution and we offer it.  We exhaust ourselves taking care of everyone else at the expense of our own health and well-being.  Then we find ourselves with chronic illnesses, including pelvic pain, myofascial pain, back pain, IC, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, or adrenal fatigue, to name a few.

We Put Other People’s Needs Ahead of Our Own

As children we learned to look outward at what we could do for other people and to put other people’s emotional and physical needs ahead of our own.  We learned that the greatest value we could give to society is to serve other people.  We were discouraged from serving ourselves because that’s selfish.  We learned that in order to get our own needs met we had to meet the needs of other people.

We are Expected to do it All

This may be especially true for women because as children we observed our mothers taking care of the needs of our families.  When I was a young girl in the 1960s, the traditional role for women was still in the home taking care of the family’s needs.  To make matters worse, since the women’s movement of the 1960s and ’70s, not only are women expected to take care of the needs of the family and home, but we are also expected to work full-time outside the home.

In my mid 30s I was working full-time at a university as an Academic Advisor helping students navigate the university system.  I thought that being good at my job was anticipating what the students would need next and providing that information.  I also had two young children, a husband, a home, and pets to take care of.  I had chronic fatigue and pelvic pain.  I was miserable.

I Gave Myself Away

I failed at being Super Mom.  I couldn’t do it all.  At work I became aware of where I was wasting my energy.  I stopped second guessing what the students would need next.  I observed that they couldn’t receive it until they recognized their need for it.  The same holds true for our families and friends.  I gave my time and energy away to people who could not receive it and then I didn’t have enough time and energy to take care of myself.  I was doing way too much for other people which left me with not enough time to rest, play, connect with my true self, know my true desires, what makes me happy, and how my body and soul wants to experience life.

Now I ask if Help is Wanted Before I give it

Now I am much clearer about my role as a helper.  I am clear on what I agree to and what I don’t agree to.  I ask if help is wanted before I give it.  I consult my body about what it has energy for and what it doesn’t have energy for.  I’m no longer a slave to the to-do list.  I take care of myself by keeping out of other people’s business unless I’m asked to help and then I consider whether I really want to or not.  I let other people do it themselves.  I stopped filling needs I recognized just because I have the skills to do it.

I Prioritize Myself Because Nobody Else Will

I know now that the greatest value I can give to myself and to society is to take care of myself first.  I prioritize myself because nobody else will.   I meet my own needs first so that I can bring my best self to the service of others.  The proof that this approach is working is that I feel so much better now.  I’m no longer drained, my pain has receded and I enjoy life much more.

***

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net

About Gail:

Gail is an endorsed mind-body coach, certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.  Her path with chronic pelvic pain led Gail to mind-body healing which helped her get her life back and find her passion.  Now she works with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions but are still struggling with pain. Gail helps them heal pain from the inside out and get back to living the life they want. www.gailkennylifecoach.com.

Have you ever taken yourself on a Mind-Body Date?

 No?

Oh my gosh – now is the time! A mind-body date is an hour, a day, a weekend, or more scheduled just for you to enjoy, play with, and enhance your mind-body connection.

Here’s how it works.

1)     Pick a date.

2)     Pick a location. (Can be your own home!)

3)     Gather up your favorite mind-body tools and resources, as well as things you’ve been wanting to investigate more deeply.

4)     Optional: Schedule a mind-body treat like a massage, yoga session, walk in nature, etc.

5)     Start. This means you wake up, ask your body and soul what feels fun, fabulous, and delicious, and start with that. Stop when it’s no longer fun. Ask the same question. Do whatever feels fun, fabulous, and delicious now. Stop when it’s no longer fun. Rinse and repeat. For an hour, a day, a weekend, or more!

Sometimes, on my mind-body dates, I spend hours immersed in mind-body resources. Sometimes, I journal. Sometimes, I nap. Or cook a new meal. Or daydream. Or create something.

There are no rules.

Because your body leads the way.

There are no shoulds, no right/wrongs, no mistakes. I’ve had mind-body dates that ended up being hours curled up with a fiction book or totally immersed in a movie. I’ve had mind-body dates where I cried and moped around for a day. I’ve had mind-body dates where I enjoyed the presence of my dog.

The main goal of a mind-body date is to set aside time to listen to what your body and soul really want, and then follow through.

The more you have dates, the more you start adopting this as a way of life. But, the dates still help you reconnect anytime you get busy, stressed, or notice your mind taking over more than you’d like.

I’m going on a mind-body date this week. I’d love to hear about yours!

I suggested she ask, “How can I have fun?” and “What feels great?” anytime she was planning her day. Immediately she saw that walking her dog could be a totally different experience. She could jog if she wanted to. She could go to a different location. She was completely in charge of making that task enjoyable for herself – except, she hadn’t been making it enjoyable. She’d been making it boring and un-fun.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Yet, taking charge of your day, your week, your life and being proactive about making it the way you want – REALLY the way you want – sometimes falls through the cracks. It’s easy to fall into the “have to’s” and the “shoulds” and the “get it done” mode. Believe me, I can certainly go there.

However, I think my body has given me special training in creating a life that feels fun and enjoyable. Going through the chronic pain experience really opened my eyes and forced me to start listening to my body. Instead of constantly letting my mind rule my days, I had to start following my body’s needs. Those ranged from types and amounts of rest to types and amounts of foods to types and amounts of physical movement.

I learned that my body knew exactly what it wanted, and if I listened, I had a lot more fun. Everything went more smoothly in my life. My body had opinions on everything. All I had to do was tune in and listen.

Now, many years later, I let my body inform me on a daily basis. I let my body tell me what feels great. It’s not always what my logical mind would have guessed, which is what makes it interesting. I let my mind and body work as a team. Once my mind has heard what my body has to say, I then proactively and deliberately choose and plan to make my day, my week, my month as good as possible. I find as much fun, enjoyment, and contentment as possible. I tailor my life to what truly feels good to me, my body, and my soul.

The funny thing is, this is actually pretty simple. I find that what feels great is often just a simple tweak to how I’m already doing things. Sometimes it means adding in a bigger change, but for the most part, I find contentment and peace right here, in this moment, sipping cold water with lemon in it. No lemon? Not as much fun. Not quite right. When I take the time to listen to the small needs, the little things, the details of what makes my life just right, I feel great.

Why not give it a try?

What do you need today?

What feels fun?

What feels great?

What does your body want to do, eat, drink?

Don’t let a single moment pass without upgrading it to exactly what you want. Seriously. It’s a wild idea, but I think you’ll see how much fun your life can be as a result.