While the pursuit of wellness seems harmless, there’s one catch: 

Self-pressure. 

If your pursuit of wellness is built on a foundation of subtle pressure to change, improve, or be better, you might be adding unnecessary stress to your mind-body system.

This is counter-productive to your pursuit of wellness. 

Are you pressuring yourself to be fitter than you are?

Are you pressuring yourself to eat healthily all the time? 

Are you pressuring yourself to do stress-reducing activities like meditation?

That pressure creates stress. It forces you to think about failures. It makes you focus on what you need to do to instead of celebrating what you have already done. 

Culture teaches us to push ourselves toward success and judge ourselves into better versions of ourselves. 

It just doesn’t work. True wellness is an intrinsic motivation to enjoy a positive relationship with your body. It’s the freedom to trust yourself and how you need to take care of you. It’s letting go of the “shoulds” that don’t feel right and the idea that you have to be perfectly healthy to be a better person. 

True wellness leaves room for play, laughter, joy, and fun. 

Drop the pressure and watch your wellness improve naturally. What motivates you more; taking a walk by a beautiful river because it’s gorgeous and fun, or pressuring yourself to get a certain number of steps so you can be fit and healthy?

When you stop pressuring yourself, your natural desires have room to emerge and take you on an entirely different wellness adventure. This adventure takes your spirit into account, not just the latest measurements of good health.

Start with a fun experiment:

1. For one week, ask your body what it wants to do, what it wants to eat, and how much it wants to rest. You don’t have to act on all of this immediately. Just start gathering intel.
3. When you’re ready, you can try living this way for a few days and see if you experience more fun, freedom, and wellness. 

Before you know it, your stress levels will be going down, not up…and that’s a very positive shift when it comes to your wellness.  

Hugs,
Abigail

P.S. Want support with more mind-body tools? Join my Mind-Body Magic Facebook Group!

I knew something was off.

I didn’t feel good. I could sense my mood plummet; my energetic vibrations go lower and lower. I was impatient with people, not able to focus on my work, my creativity was not cooperating with me and I found myself standing in front of the open refrigerator at odd times, or with an empty bag of coconut chips in my hands.

I stopped and asked myself what the matter was but couldn’t figure it out.  It wasn’t sadness, anger, or fear, although I’m sure if I peeled the layers of the discomfort, I’d find fear somewhere in there. But I was too busy to deal with this. I had work to do!  I had only two days left to hand in the remaining two of seven articles I was supposed to write for review by my writing mastermind group.

So I put up with it. Ironically, the more I let the dark cloud stay around, the more darkness it brought in. But I was too busy, right?

Finally, mercifully, the deadline date arrived and I had nothing. I received the reviews on the five articles I had already sent in and as I was reading the suggestions, it suddenly occurred to me that I had done a lot of work during these eight weeks; I had learned and progressed, and I didn’t have to hand in two more! This wasn’t a pass or fail school! Nothing bad was going to happen if I wasn’t able to do them all. I was not going to be punished, or thought less of, or shamed in public.

No one was pressuring me but myself!

Hmm…No one was pressuring me but myself…

As these thoughts moved around in my head, I decided to let go of my expectations of writing the remaining two. I had 12 hours left and it was not happening. It was a quiet, gentle decision, almost a subconscious one. I just knew I wasn’t going to do it, without debating the pros and cons.  I didn’t pay much attention to it.

Half an hour later I got up from my desk to go for a walk and that’s when I realized an immediate shift had happened in my body already. The dark clouds had disappeared. There was lightness to my mood. I felt energetic, ready to tackle whatever else I wanted to do that day.  The difference was physically palpable. A light bulb went on as I asked myself what had changed?  I had simply lifted my own pressure on myself.

This realization might seem to be a small thing, but for me it was huge. How many times I had felt uneasy, tense, impatient, and even sick and in retrospect, it was all due to me putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

As I sat quietly with this out on my bench in the garden, I asked myself why, why am I in such a deep habit of pressuring myself that I’m not even aware I’m doing it.

Many reasons popped out:

I need to achieve more.

What for?

Because I’ll look better?

To whom?

People? My colleagues? My friends? My children? My husband? My long gone parents?

The ones that mattered on that list already know me. People in general don’t even think about me or what makes me look good.

How about myself? Will I look better to myself if I achieve more?

Yes! I’ll look good to the self with the false beliefs that I’ve accumulated over the years since grade school. To look good and feel good I have to achieve more.

Is that true? Who made that rule? My five year old self?

Actually, that belief makes me feel so bad that it leads to just the opposite result- disconnecting from myself and achieving less, as I had demonstrated the last two days.

Do you need to volunteer at your children’s school five days a week so you look like a good parent? Bake cookies, run the publishing center, the newsletter, become PTA president, do fundraisers.. I thought I did.  Pressure.

Do you need to make sure you cook a healthy meal each evening for your family, bake everything from scratch? That makes a good wife and mother. I thought I did. Pressure!

Do you need to answer every call for help from all your friends around the world?  That makes a good friend, right? Pressure.

Do you need to give up your coffee break and lunch break at work, so that you stay on top of things? That’s what makes a good nurse of course? Nah, an exhausted, overworked, burned out nurse… Pressure!

All of the above unkind habits were actually draining me and making me less of who I am. I thought I had already worked on them and had come a long way, until I caught myself in the act again the other day. There are hidden ways we still pressure ourselves.

Where in YOUR life are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself? Look closely.

1. The first step is always kindness. Don’t beat yourself up now for the past.
2. Your clue is any unexplained discomfort. Become present for it. Notice with curiosity, ask, “What is going on NOW?”
3. Actually ask yourself the question: Am I putting pressure on myself in any way?
4. If you are, gently dig deeper. Why? What does it mean if I don’t? Who am I trying to impress?
5. Do some thought work on what you discover. Ask what do I really want and does this help me?
6. Use humor and love.
7. Once you have your answers, you’ll feel a shift in your body and energy.
8. Well done! Go play or take a nap.

Let me know what you find out and what you think about this.

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com
email: leda@ledaasmar.com

When I became a mom, I instantly got a pain syndrome, otherwise known as Mind Body Syndrome/TMS. These syndromes often show up when a person is experiencing a life change and not allowing her/himself to feel emotions, address the stress, and acknowledge the huge internal pressures that come with change. (Luckily, having had TMS before, I knew what was happening and could decode the messages in the pain.)

Motherhood is a pretty big change.

I sallied forth into motherhood with a host of hidden self-pressures, blithely unaware I was caught up in what I call Magazine Syndrome.

Magazine Syndrome happens when you buy into the commercial presentation of a life event instead of realizing there are two realities: The Magazine Version and What Really Happens.

The Magazine Version of motherhood is pretty awesome. Cute babies, Pinterest-perfect craft projects, home-baked organic meals, balanced activities and stimulating learning experiences, neatly organized discipline plans (3 Steps to Ending Tantrums, etc.), and sunny backyard playtime surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

We live in a culture with lots of focus on external appearance and viewable results. How do I know I’m a good mother? I can prove it with tangible evidence – how my child behaves, what amazing craft we made, and how many fabulous activities my child is mastering/experiencing right now.

The Magazine Version of motherhood collides in a spectacular explosion with What Really Happens.

The result?

Self-doubt.

I’ve come to see that nearly every motherhood stress I experience comes from nothing more than my own self-doubt. I can trace pretty much every frustration, fear, concern, and freak-out right back to self-doubt. Did I do it right? Why is this happening with my child…I must be doing something wrong! Shit, I’ve screwed up again. How can I do a better job? (Self-pressure!)

Let’s just face it. I’m not a Magazine Version mom. I am fully and completely in awe of moms who:

1. Make crafts or bake things that look beautiful or even decent.
2. Somehow have all the snacks and supplies necessary no matter where they are/what they are doing (and even have snacks/supplies for other moms who, er…forgot them).
3. Invite groups of children to their home and have fun activities at the ready.
4. Actually look at Pinterest.
5. I could go on.

I’m the mom who takes my kid to her first swimming lesson and forgets a towel. A towel! How obvious and basic is that? (Visualize small, adorable child shivering by the edge of the pool, looking up at her mother with big, tear-filled eyes while her mother frantically searches for anything available in the diaper bag. Sigh.)

So, when my neighbor (a fellow mom) mentioned that she’s afraid to tell me what’s really going on in her life because I seem to have it all figured out, I snorted with laughter. No.

For me, motherhood is challenging in numerous ways, because I’m not great at the material/external stuff. You could even say I’m fairly terrible at it. Also, I waited until I was thirty-six to have my child. After three years of motherhood, I am still grieving my old life – the independence, the freedom, and the ability to pop out my front door without thinking about anyone else, much less who needs a towel or snack.

Instead of just allowing myself to be terrible at material and practical things and process this grief, I’ve been torturing myself with self-doubt and self-criticism.

Why should I feel so sad? Other people have six children! Other moms seem completely fine with this no-freedom thing. Why can’t I make one single cute crafty thing? Why haven’t I thought up some snazzy educational activity for my child today? There are people who are starving and penniless and I’m worrying about freedom! You get the drift.

I have also felt self-doubt around pretty much every parenting decision I make as I navigate the minefield of advice, parenting books, Facebook, The Internet, and What Everyone Else Is Doing.

I imagine that other moms have their own unique struggles, concerns and self-doubts, but addressing this is not the focus of our collective motherhood experience. I don’t hear a lot of moms talking to each other about their inner landscape, and I can see why. It’s scary to admit it out loud. This is the stuff we don’t talk about – at least not much – with each other.

The Magazine Version of motherhood displays a picture-perfect example of what it looks like to be a good mom.

What Really Happens is a messy, bodily-fluid covered, un-sanitized, heart-stopping experience.

Motherhood tests every idea you’ve ever had about yourself, shows you exactly where you are still a toddler yourself, and brings you face-to-face with your rawest emotions.

Often, when I express a frustration or struggle, other people will respond with, “Yes, but just enjoy every moment because it passes so quickly.” Or, “aren’t you just grateful to have such a perfect, beautiful child?”

Do we really need to sanitize the raw emotions of motherhood so quickly? I promise, if you allow and feel the dark side of motherhood, the beauty and joy won’t go away. Nothing bad will happen. Nobody will be harmed. In fact, fewer people will be harmed, and there will be MORE joy and beauty.

I’m all about admitting the dark stuff. I learned, from the Mind Body Syndromes I’ve had, that when I pretend I’m ok or focus only on the positives, I suffer. My body breaks down. My connection to myself erodes.

When I skim over the dark side and only look at the light, I forget how to care for myself or address my deepest needs.

I’ve had to remind myself of this lately, and allow myself to grieve the old life. I’ve had to look closely at what being a good mom means, to me, in my heart.

What I’ve discovered is two-fold:

1) The only way to know if I’m “doing it right” as a mom is to stop trying to do it right. Instead, I have to parent from a tortuously honest place in my heart, and ask only one question: Am I aligned with my heart in this moment?

Sometimes – quite often – I’m not. I’m letting external focus or schedules or “should” thoughts get in my way. My sole practice has become turning back to my heart anytime I’ve left it behind, and being kind to myself every time I forget.

2) Motherhood is all about the “and.” There’s light and dark. Joy and fury. Connection and disconnection. It’s ok to allow everything to co-exist, because this is the reality. Admitting I’m furious allows me to not react/act in ways I’ll regret later.

I went on a business trip a few months ago, and it was my first time to experience a couple of days of the old freedom. I marveled at the simplicity of waking up in the morning with only myself to shower, dress, and feed. I remembered the old days. I felt the peace of being alone, and enjoyed the quiet.

AND.

I realized that the old life was like a movie shot in black-and-white. Really cool, fun, and awesome for it’s time, but if you’ve seen a movie in color, black and white seems pretty flat.

My life, now, is full of color. There’s a vibrancy – a brilliance – that I never even knew existed pre-motherhood.

This little soul who lives in my home is like the hot, core of the sun beaming everywhere into my existence. She radiates life. She explodes at life. She IS love and joy. She doesn’t hold a single thing back, not yet. I get to be with this fiery, fierce, independent, spirited, alive, light. As her parent, I just want to do my best to let her keep on shining.

When I allow myself to grieve, to honor my needs, and to be imperfect, I can find my heart’s guidance. I can be awake to the incredible discomfort and the boundless joy of motherhood, and acknowledge the mix. I can let life be about the AND instead of the OR.

I can let go of the Magazine Version and embrace What Really Happens.

What have you noticed about embracing What Really Happens in your life, be it motherhood or body-image or anything else? What are your thoughts on the stuff we don’t talk about with each other? Tell me below or on Facebook! 

I’ve often been accused of “having it all together.”
Ha ha!

That is called emotional suppression, people.

I learned at a young age – like many, many other women – how to hold myself together while under duress or stress. Hold it in, keep it together, suck it up, don’t be a drama queen, etc. etc. I can fake poise like nobody’s business.

Eventually, though, I learned that has consequences. (Like Mind Body Syndrome/TMS, other health issues, and spontaneously combusting after holding things in for too long.)

What we actually need is to allow ourselves to have the messiness – to kindly, gently, let that part of ourselves exist.

It’s not fair to think we should have it all together, all the time. We may think, erroneously, that other people do. They don’t.

That is why I’ve decided to address the mess. I don’t have it all together. What I have is a messy, human experience that I am imperfectly embracing.

There’s a primal beauty in the messiness of being a woman – and of being a human. When we embrace that, we embrace life in a new, open, and inspiring way.

We don’t have to be outwardly dramatic to embrace the mess. In fact, that can be a big hindrance. What we have to do – the most challenging job of all – is be present with ourselves in, during, around, and after the mess. We have to be with ourselves like a mother with a crying baby, holding ourselves and simply being.

A lot of what we do is done to avoid the mess.

Eating. Shopping. Obsessing about health or pain syndromes. Obsessing about our bodies. Escaping into entertainment. Even chasing spiritual experiences.

I know all about this, because I’m a master avoider. I can run away from myself with the best of them.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to write a series on living with the mess; the primal, beautiful, raw, challenging mess that is being human.

Being awake in our own lives is not about the sunny days.

It’s not about the joy that slips in easily in mess-free moments. It’s about holding the messiness in one hand and the easy joy in the other hand, simultaneously.

I went for a spring walk yesterday, not to enjoy the bliss of nature, but to walk with a messiness – a discomfort – that had arisen inside me. I wanted to be present with myself, and I needed nature to help me. As I walked, the sun shone, but thunder warned of a coming storm.

The rain began to sprinkle the sidewalk, falling as though directly from the sunlight itself. It seemed like a clear message from the greater wisdom.

Rain and sun. Light and dark. Storm and calm. It’s only when I try to make those good or bad, wanted or not wanted, that I suffer.

Having it all together is not the goal.

The goal is this: Having all of it, together.

Abigail

P.S. Want help embracing the mess? Want to relax in a welcoming, be-human-here environment? Join the Kindness Community!