I’ve often been accused of “having it all together.”
Ha ha!

That is called emotional suppression, people.

I learned at a young age – like many, many other women – how to hold myself together while under duress or stress. Hold it in, keep it together, suck it up, don’t be a drama queen, etc. etc. I can fake poise like nobody’s business.

Eventually, though, I learned that has consequences. (Like Mind Body Syndrome/TMS, other health issues, and spontaneously combusting after holding things in for too long.)

What we actually need is to allow ourselves to have the messiness – to kindly, gently, let that part of ourselves exist.

It’s not fair to think we should have it all together, all the time. We may think, erroneously, that other people do. They don’t.

That is why I’ve decided to address the mess. I don’t have it all together. What I have is a messy, human experience that I am imperfectly embracing.

There’s a primal beauty in the messiness of being a woman – and of being a human. When we embrace that, we embrace life in a new, open, and inspiring way.

We don’t have to be outwardly dramatic to embrace the mess. In fact, that can be a big hindrance. What we have to do – the most challenging job of all – is be present with ourselves in, during, around, and after the mess. We have to be with ourselves like a mother with a crying baby, holding ourselves and simply being.

A lot of what we do is done to avoid the mess.

Eating. Shopping. Obsessing about health or pain syndromes. Obsessing about our bodies. Escaping into entertainment. Even chasing spiritual experiences.

I know all about this, because I’m a master avoider. I can run away from myself with the best of them.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to write a series on living with the mess; the primal, beautiful, raw, challenging mess that is being human.

Being awake in our own lives is not about the sunny days.

It’s not about the joy that slips in easily in mess-free moments. It’s about holding the messiness in one hand and the easy joy in the other hand, simultaneously.

I went for a spring walk yesterday, not to enjoy the bliss of nature, but to walk with a messiness – a discomfort – that had arisen inside me. I wanted to be present with myself, and I needed nature to help me. As I walked, the sun shone, but thunder warned of a coming storm.

The rain began to sprinkle the sidewalk, falling as though directly from the sunlight itself. It seemed like a clear message from the greater wisdom.

Rain and sun. Light and dark. Storm and calm. It’s only when I try to make those good or bad, wanted or not wanted, that I suffer.

Having it all together is not the goal.

The goal is this: Having all of it, together.

Abigail

P.S. Want help embracing the mess? Want to relax in a welcoming, be-human-here environment? Join the Kindness Community!

In my early twenties, I was new to the self-help genre and had spent most of my formative years trying to be an excellent violinist. When I picked up John Sarno’s The Mindbody Prescription, the personality profile he described fairly smacked me in the face. Perfectionism? Trying to be good all the time? Feeling responsible for everything? I just thought that was how one should live life!

He made me see, however, that the extreme pain I was experiencing from vulvodynia was talking to me. It was time to take stock and change how I was treating myself.

Thus began my self-awareness journey, in which I started to peel back layer after layer of beliefs, patterns, and perceptions, always working to know my true self more and more. The more I did this, the better I felt, in body, mind, and spirit.

Every year of this ongoing journey, I feel more aligned with myself, more confident, stronger, and just – happier.

Except for a few days every month, in which many of my old patterns, issues, and less-than-constructive behaviors rise up and take over, seemingly out of my control.

Yep. PMS.

For a while, I sought help from naturopaths, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, and massage therapists to try to eradicate this monthly craziness. Certainly it helped some, and alleviated a lot of various physical symptoms I had during PMS. Mentally? Well, that’s less predictable. (On the plus side, my husband is still alive, so I retain some control over the crazy, grumpy person who emerges monthly.)

Then, I read Eckhart Tolle’s work and was introduced to the idea of the pain-body. If you haven’t heard of this concept, here’s how Tolle explains it:

“The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose.”

I can buy that. However, he also suggests that women are more susceptible to being taken over by the pain-body, especially during our cycles.

Normally, I love reading books about spiritual awakening. And I do feel inspired by Tolle’s work.

But, I have a confession. When I first read about this pain-body/PMS thing, I thought, “That….that….that – MAN!” Seriously. It is hard to listen to what any man has to say about my cycle. Does he have hormones doing weird things to him every month? Does he even remotely understand? There he is, all Zen and smug, nattering on about the pain-body. (It is possible that I was in PMS when I first read this pain-body stuff.)

After reading all of that, I decided I would NOT have this ridiculous pain-body thing happen to me every month. I would be sane. I would be relaxed. I would not have a hair-trigger. I would not be grumpy. I would not take every small comment personally, including remarks about the weather. I would prove this Tolle character wrong.

Several years later, I have to admit to absolutely no success. Nada.

Every month, the same thing happens, to varying degrees. PMS emerges, snaking into my everyday experience with a sly, quiet stealth. Then, it pounces.

Let me just say, for a person who loves spiritual awakening, is excited to discover more and more about herself, and would like to become more and more loving, this has been a little frustrating. Or a lot frustrating.

Then, last week, the clouds parted, light shone down from the heavens, and…

Nope, PMS did not disappear. It arrived, on schedule.

However, something pretty miraculous did happen.

As a result of all of the self-kindness practices I’ve been doing for the last several years, I had a huge epiphany.

All this time, I’ve been trying to get rid of PMS, feeling ashamed that I still become so irrational, so awful, so plain – YUCK – every month. I’ve been rejecting that part of myself, over and over again.

I have NOT been practicing self-kindness around PMS.

So, this month, I did. I accepted and allowed the venomous snake to arrive, just like it always does. I did not try to shove it down or ignore it. Instead, I simply observed it. (Remember the spy skills? I used those!) I was kind to myself, not trying to change the fact that I had PMS.

Here’s the funny part. Whenever my “stuff” (thought patterns, behavior patterns, issues, neuroses) shows up, it’s basically a self-growth gold mine. It’s the perfect learning ground. It’s not about shoving that stuff down, pushing it away, or rising above it. It’s about embracing it.

In the depths of every bag of stuff lies treasure.

When I finally allowed myself to be – just be – during PMS, I learned so much about myself. I saw myself more clearly. I discovered new insights. I unravelled the origins of a few old patterns, and felt a bit freer.

I emerged on the other side of the muck feeling…more awake. I see myself more clearly. I feel lighter. I feel more joyful.

I see the cyclical nature of this process, and I am kind of jazzed at the thought that every month I can easily access the “dark side” and emerge with new self-awareness. Any old, stuffed-down emotional sludge that’s ready for release pops right up into my awareness. I’d been tossing aside the most straightforward path to truth and growth.

In the words of  one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron,

“Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.”

It’s possible Eckhart Tolle is right. Maybe we women do experience more pain-body each month. Now, though, I see it as an advantage. Here is your stuff, served up on a silver platter, each month. Easy to see, impossible to hide from, ready to be faced.

Sure, it can be a challenge. It’s not always pleasant. Fun isn’t really the word to describe it. However, if you can see the cyclical nature, it becomes easier. Walk through the swamp, then frolic in the meadow. Over and over again. The best thing is, the meadow becomes a little brighter and sunnier on each round trip.

Back in my twenties, good old John Sarno woke me up to myself. My body healed. My mind flourished. My heart expanded. I set foot on this spiritual awakening path, ready for the adventure. Now, I’m a seasoned traveler, but I learn more each and every day. I learn from every part of me; the yuck and wisdom alike.

P.S. Would you like to learn how to use my most effective mind-body healing tool? You can do just that when you join the Kindness Community!

In June, I’m teaching a class in the community that will show you, step-by-step, how to use my most effective tool for pain-relief. It packs enough punch to be the only tool you really need if you’re trying to heal from a form of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). Details here!