I certainly am not one to turn down any of those things, from my partner or myself, but I want to go a little deeper.

What would some great self-love gift ideas be?

Here are mine, and I’d love to know what yours are in the comments.

1. Give yourself the gift of less perfectionism. Release self-pressure.
2. Take more time to rest. For real.
3. Ask for help when you need it. Unashamedly.
4. Find/make more time for fun and play. Enjoy delight.
5. Sometimes, simply do nothing. Without self-judgment.
6. Congratulate yourself for something you usually judge yourself around. Celebrate you.

What if you gave yourself one of those gifts (or all six!) for a day?

Who’s in?

Want some help taking action on those ideas and more? Join my free Mind-Body Magic Facebook Group!

Several years ago, I gave a gift to someone in honor of a milestone we had reached in a fundraiser. That’s a nice thing to do, right? But I didn’t feel my usual joy of giving. Instead, I felt resentment.

This was a person who made me feel unwelcome and unappreciated. Yet here I was giving her a gift!

To add insult to injury, I kicked myself quite a bit about it afterwards.  Why would I give her a gift?  Was I out of my bleeping mind?

Simple. I wanted to be accepted, appreciated, and liked.

In my heart, I knew that giving her a gift wasn’t going to change that situation.

But it ended up doing something much better. It hurt so badly that I had to sit down with the pain and dig deep. In the process, I figured out a how to deal with a prominent pattern in my life.

That new understanding was a surprise gift – to myself!

Let me introduce you to a wonderful woman. She’s nicer than anyone else you know and she’s always extremely helpful.  She’s a peacemaker and avoids confrontation.

You need a favor? You can call her. You need a volunteer? She’s the one, because she never says no.

This is not a fictional character. She is everywhere and she seeks your approval. I used to be this woman.

I’m a recovering people pleaser and approval seeker.

I see this pattern in many of my clients as well.

Maria: When she came to me for help, Maria suffered from back pain, was stressed and depressed and found it hard to enjoy time with her relatives and friends. She was the one staying late at work to finish projects. At home, she was the go-to parent, the volunteer, the organizer.

Stephanie: Stephanie looked for approval in other ways. She went along with her friends even if she didn’t agree with their choices. She said nice things to people even if she didn’t mean them. When a supervisor crossed the boundary of sexual harassment, she didn’t report it not wanting to make waves. She suffered from chronic stress.

In time, both Maria and Stephanie figured out that they were attempting to earn everyone’s approval and love. Worse, they actively feared being disliked. That was their underlying problem.

Where does the fear of being disliked and/or the need for approval come from?

They’re reactions and stories from childhood experiences stored in our nervous system’s library. This is mainly a survival strategy because safety, love and connection are essential to children in early development.

Survival strategies aren’t limited to childhood, of course. They can happen later in life too, and there’s a good reason for them. At least at first. Our minds create them to protect us, to avoid painful situations, or to help us steer clear of things seen as mistakes.

Over time, repeating these patterns turns them into automatic default settings.

An adult doesn’t need the past protective strategies but by the time we’ve grown, they’re ingrained in our nervous system.

Here’s the good news.

If you decide to explore this pattern, look inward to the reasons, start understanding yourself and develop strategies to help yourself, you’ll find a treasure: your true self, your strengths, and tremendous love for all the parts of you.

Some helpful tips:

1. Put yourself first and understand who you are.

Make time for self-care.

This is like the oxygen mask on an airplane. Without your own oxygen supply, you won’t be in any condition to help others. Self-care is more than a massage or a pedicure. Take time to be alone, rest, reflect, journal, read. Learn new things about yourself.

Understand your emotions, where they come from and how to befriend and calm them.

“When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system, your nervous system.  So, the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy, then becomes a source of physiological illness later. “~ Dr. Gabor Mate

Question your thoughts.

Don’t accept every thought you have as fact. Question their validity. Will all your friends leave if you don’t agree with them? Does everyone you meet need to like you?

Make a list of your personal values.

I don’t mean religious or societal values, but your own.

What’s important to you?

What do you cherish?

How do you want to be in life?

What feels aligned with your core beliefs and what doesn’t.

Knowing the answers to these questions will help you know who you are and what is true for you. It will help you stay in integrity.

Dream. What do you like? What do you want? What do you need? Decide to ask for what you want from family and friends instead of hiding your wishes. Go after your dreams of a better job, a different city, a wonderful partner. How will you get what you want if you don’t dream?

2. Understand who you are in relation to others

Now that you understand yourself, your thoughts, emotions, and values well, don’t lie to yourself. Don’t pretend you like someone when you don’t; don’t pretend you’re OK carrying the load of a project when you’re not; Are you really happy with your job or is it killing your soul?

Practice pausing and questioning before accepting requests, demands, or opinions from others.

Pause and check in with your body. Does it feel expanded, free, and peaceful? Or does it feel contracted, shackled with anger and resentment rising?

 This differentiation of sensations, not your thoughts, will help you decide what action to take.

“If it’s causing suffering, if it’s causing stress, if it’s getting between me and love, getting between me and peace or stillness, I’m going to question it. There’s a lie involved here somewhere. My sense of integrity is calling me to examine it.”

~ Martha Beck

Practice saying No to small things at first and extend it to everything you don’t want to do. Remember that saying no is actually saying yes to something else: your highest priorities.

Set boundaries.

Once you know what’s acceptable and not acceptable for you, it will be easy to set your boundaries.

You’ll know automatically that you won’t stay overtime to help someone who didn’t do her work; or you won’t go somewhere against your will and you will act according to this knowledge.

And you’ll definitely not go out of your way buying rude people gifts!

Make friends with like-minded people, those who get you and appreciate you for yourself. You might surprise yourself with the wonderful people that you had not even noticed before when you were so busy pleasing everyone else.

3. Know yourself in relation to Spirit /Higher power/Universe/Nature

Finally, know that you’re part of Spirit, God, The Universe, however you see a greater power.

Know that you have an inner wisdom, a higher self who is always with you, helping you, guiding you. You’re never alone and all you have to do is reach for her.

After the gift incident, I did all these steps and more. I decided to learn my truth and stand in it. I wanted to be free more than I wanted to be nice. I wanted to live in my integrity.

You can do this too.

Saying no, giving your opinion, telling a relative that your feelings get hurt when she speaks to you a certain way, breaking ties with people who don’t appreciate you – all of these will become easy and comfortable for you once you practice.

And what’s more they can be done kindly. With no anger, setting boundaries makes kindness easier because the resentments are gone.

This is not abusing others or stepping into their boundaries. This is respecting yourself and others at the same time. Allowing yourself your truth and others theirs.

Too often we spend our lives looking for love, acceptance, recognition, approval.  We think it’s out there somewhere and it’s going to make us happy once we find it.

But what we’re looking for is inside us; all of it: the love, the acceptance, the compassion and the peace. If we find that love for ourselves, we won’t seek it from others. And loving others will come naturally, without resentment.

Are you a people-pleaser or have you ‘recovered’ from this widespread affliction? Share your thoughts and ideas in a comment below.

If you need help with this, reach out to me on my website. Ledaasmar.com

Leda Asmar is an endorsed Mind Body coach and a Certified Martha Beck coach. She helps people though transitions in life. She specializes in helping hardworking midlife women get unstuck, make authentic choices, and take charge of their lives by tuning into their inner voice and reconnecting with their true Selves.

website: www.ledaasmar.com

email: leda@ledaasmar.com

The idea that this was causing my body to react with tension and pain really blew my mind. And, it made so much sense. It was, truly, the only logical explanation for the sudden, out-of-nowhere chronic pelvic pain syndromes I’d developed; vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis. Every other explanation lacked the simplicity and clarity of that one, and so I decided to use a mind-body healing approach to my syndromes.

In doing so, not only did I eliminate the pain syndromes, but I changed every single aspect of my life for the better. Why? Because I changed the driving force behind all of my actions and decisions.

I used to act from fear. Fear of not being perfect or good enough. Fear of not succeeding. Fear of people not liking me. Fear of something failing or falling apart. Fear of messing up. Fear of losing something or someone.

When you look at it like that, it’s quite a lot of fear. Fear, unfelt and un-faced, remains within the body. This causes tension and stress…and pain.

To heal my body and mind, I had to find the antidote to a fear-based life.

What’s the antidote?

A love-based life.

I had to learn how to make all choices, actions, and decisions based on love.

In every moment, there’s a fear-based focus and a love-based focus. The fear-based focus says, “I have to do/should do x,y, or z because something bad might happen.” The love-based focus says, “I am choosing this because it feels right, and it feels like love.”

A love-based life means asking myself if what I’m thinking or doing is because I love me and want to care for me, or because I’m afraid of something.

I have to stop and pay attention. Am I tense? Holding my breath? If so, I’m trying not to feel fear. It’s time to connect to myself, be aware of the fear, and find my way back to love.

If I love me, I don’t have to be perfect, good-enough, or responsible for the whole world. I can just be.

If I love me, I can treat myself with kindness instead of criticism.

If I love me, I can choose actions because they feel joyful, loving, and fun.

Now, I listen deeply to the truth in my heart. From there, I choose to eat foods I love. I choose to enjoy activities I love. I choose to work in a career I love, in ways that I love.

Before anything can become a part of my life, it has to pass the love test. If it doesn’t feel absolutely right and loving for myself, then it doesn’t pass.

This love-based life has given me my health back. It’s given me my life back – only it’s a much better life! It’s given me the work I love, the child I love, and so much more.

Choosing to love me and to live a love-based life healed my body and united me with my spirit.

The first few days, I noticed the urge to check Facebook arising frequently – in fact, I’d been much more conditioned in my mind to look at Facebook than I’d realized. Interesting!

As I broke myself of the habit, I replaced Facebook-checking with self-connection. Instead, I tuned in to myself, my body, my emotions, and my inner wisdom.

Let’s be clear – Facebook is not the culprit here. My ability to distract myself away from my inner world is my own issue, and I can use anything to do so. It just so happens that Facebook was a convenient way to ignore myself.

The biggest key to healing from Mind Body Syndrome/TMS is being present with one’s emotions. Having learned that so deeply when I was facing severe physical pain every day, I’m well aware that I can slip off into emotional avoidance with ease. I know that when I start avoiding myself, it’s time to start paying attention to my emotions and inner world.

Being present with one’s self isn’t just an effective way to heal the body. It’s also about healing the soul-connection. The more present you are, the more aware you are of your soul-wisdom, the more you trust its guidance, and the more grounded you are in following your own path through life. You’re less swayed by others’ disapproval, opinions, judgments, and manipulations and are steadier within yourself.

I caught myself avoiding emotions of loneliness, sadness, grief, and various other discomforts when I went on my Facebook Fast. So, I spent these last few months feeling all those things, and as a result, feeling far more connected to me, my family, and my soul.

Instead of checking Facebook when motherhood feels uncomfortable, now I just feel the discomfort of motherhood. Immediately following that I am able to connect to the wisdom within myself to make solid mothering decisions.

If you want to feel good physically, you must be willing to feel emotions. They aren’t always comfy. They are, however, essential. Emotions are here to show you the way back home to your soul.

I found my months without Facebook very centering and grounding. Now, I use the app infrequently, and I no longer use it to avoid myself. I have a healthy relationship with Facebook, myself, and my family.

What do you use to avoid yourself? Discovering your favorite avoidance trick can show you the path to healing. Put down the distractions more frequently and you’ll find yourself healing more quickly. Maybe you could use a Distraction Fast, too.

I feel much better now than I did a few months ago, even though I faced emotional discomfort along the way. It actually feels better to feel than to avoid feeling, in the end. And, the bonus is that I feel more present with my daughter and my husband. It’s pretty easy to use technology to distract or disconnect from presence, and yet presence is the very thing we crave in all our relationships. I’m always my best version of a parent when I’m present.

Give yourself and others a gift today. Put down the distraction and connect to the true emotions running under the surface.

Feel. Allow yourself to be present. True joy is waiting on the other side.

Maybe you’ve read Dr. John Sarno’s theories about TMS, or Tension Myositis Syndrome (also called Mind Body Syndrome by some people), and you really want to implement them into your healing process. This is a great idea, because many mindfulness and meditation-based mind-body healing methods, while extremely helpful, can’t quite take you to the finish line. I’ve found, for myself and for my clients, that Dr. Sarno’s work bridges an important gap between spiritual/holistic healing and Western medicine. It helps the mind understand how the mind itself can create and perpetuate physical pain (not consciously, of course!) and gives logical reasons and practical steps for people who are trying to embrace mind-body/spiritual healing but feel a little stuck.

The great news is, to implement the core and essential methods in Dr. Sarno’s approach, you only really need two things.

Your Mind-Body Shopping List

1. A pen
2. A notebook

That’s right – one trip to the dollar store and you are all set! Everything you really need is already inside of you, and mind-body healing is actually very simple. It can feel challenging, just because you are learning something new. And, you’re learning something that goes against much of what you’ve learned throughout your life about how the mind and body work together. (This was actually my favorite thing about Dr. Sarno’s work – it was so different and so striking that it felt freeing, and it gave me hope that I could truly heal.)

Once you’ve completed your shopping trip, here’s what you’ll want to do with your supplies.

Two to three times a day, stop what you are doing and ask yourself this question: What am I feeling emotionally right now?

Take a moment to check in with yourself, and be curious about what is going on in your emotional world. If you don’t feel anything right now, think back to the last hour or so, or last few hours. See what you may have been feeling recently, but weren’t aware of while you were busy with daily life.

Let yourself feel the emotion for a few minutes, without doing anything other than just noticing what it feels like to have that emotion right now.

At the end of the day, take ten minutes to write anything you noticed as a result of doing this exercise, as well as anything you feel you need to express.

This simple exercise is the root of all the mind-body tools, and is powerful enough to create pain relief all on its own. Really!

The mind often wants to complicate mind-body healing, but it always comes back to one thing: feeling emotions.

Dr. Sarno’s work is so groundbreaking because it describes the connection between pain in the body and suppressed emotion. In short, he explains that the unconscious mind tries to protect us from strong emotions that are a result of life pressures. It protects us from being vulnerable by keeping us unaware of the inner workings of the unconscious mind and our deepest emotions, conscious or unconscious. The mind has the ability to create a pain syndrome that, in essence, both distracts us from our inner emotional world and alerts us to an imbalance within the psyche – a call to connect inward, in a sense.

This one concept is the most important key to remember as you embark on your mind-body healing journey. It’s easy to forget, so you’ll want to come back and review it over and over again, on a daily basis, to help you stay on track.

When I decided to coach and help others with the application of mind-body healing techniques, I wanted to create enough resources to support people in all different situations. If you don’t feel like you have extra money right now, I want you to know that you can read my blog, (there are tons of past posts that will help you out!), use this simple tool from today, and get well. I’ve heard from many people who have done just that, without ever even signing up for coaching or programs (which can certainly be helpful, but there’s no need to feel stress if that’s not a possibility for you right now).

Most of all, I want you to feel encouraged and supported, however we cross paths. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know the challenges you have and are facing, and I also know that you can absolutely get well.

Every year, the Mind-Body Coaches in my Mind-Body Coach Training offer free coaching in order to gain experience. This is a great opportunity for you to get coached around everything I’ve described above! See the details below if you’re interested.

Abigail

Would you like free mind-body coaching? If you’re struggling with a pain syndrome, health, stress, or you’d just like to apply the mind-body tools to your life, now is your chance! The 2015 Mind-Body Coaches -in-Training are practicing their coaching skills, and we are offering YOU free coaching! If you would like to be added to our list of available clients for the coaches-in-training please fill out this form. (Opportunity ends 9/5/15.)

I’m afraid that this approach won’t work for me, and I’ll be the only one, ever, who fails at this.

I can’t find my emotions – I feel blank.

I’m afraid to feel my emotions, but I know I need to/have to in order to heal.

I’m researching all the TMS/Mind Body Syndrome/Sarno resources and now I don’t know what to do.

I feel like a big mess.

I can’t figure out what to do next on this healing path, and I feel like I’m not healing at all.

I have to do all these things in order to heal, but it’s completely overwhelming!

Ever had any of these thoughts? Today? Five minutes ago?

Let’s just start with this: These are all completely normal thoughts that come up for most of us who embark on a healing journey using the Mind Body Syndrome (TMS) approach.

The mind has a tendency to try to figure things out, get it right, and achieve a goal. In this case, that looks like trying to achieve pain-relief by getting the mind-body tools “right.”

Unfortunately, as noble as this goal is, it actually causes you much suffering and stress (and makes it harder to find relief). Trying to do things right is actually part of the self-pressure habit that creates stress on your system and results in pain.

Yeah, I know! Catch-22!

So, what the heck can you do about this?

Start by using this tool from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

Whenever you notice yourself caught up in thoughts like the ones above, say to yourself:

 “I notice I’m thinking….[fill in the thought here].”

This seems very simple and banal. It’s actually one of the most powerful things you can do.

By repeatedly noticing your thinking instead of actually getting tripped up by your thinking, you slowly create the ability to see past the scary thoughts.

Your inner wisdom starts to sneak in and help you discover what feels right for you in any given moment.

I don’t see any of the mind-body tools and approaches as “have-to’s” at all. When I’m working with my clients, I know that there’s at least a hundred ways to play this game, and what I’m looking for is what resonates the most with the individual client. We are all unique. We all learn differently. I see the tools (mine and others’) as a giant a-la-carte menu. Pick one item off the menu and eat it every day for a week. See how that tastes. Eventually, you’ll start to know which tools are your faves and which are most helpful for you.

One tool, used for a short amount of time each day and practiced regularly for a few weeks, will have a huge impact. It’s much more effective to do that than to try to do a whole bunch of things, overwhelm yourself, and feel stress.

Learning to feel emotions for the first time, learning to stay aware of the body, and listening to inner wisdom can all take some time. Those are really the basic components you need in order to heal, and there are lots of ways to approach those components.

The best approach for healing TMS is to keep it simple.

The thing is, a goal-oriented approach full of self-pressure and trying to do it right doesn’t work in this situation. It’s what we’ve learned to do, and how we usually achieve what we want. This is a time when you’ll start to learn a totally different way to arrive at something you desire. It’s more like sidling up sideways to what you want and accidentally falling into its lap. You can’t chase it, hunt it, or go after it. Instead, you really do need to relax into it and let it simply happen.

I know – that’s much easier said than done! The key is to get interested in what’s going on in your emotional world, your psyche, and your inner life – with gentleness and curiosity. Notice the different ways your mind pressures you each day, using the tool above. Just notice. That’s all! The more you notice, the easier it becomes to shift into new ways of treating yourself that don’t involve self-flagellation.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, afraid, and worried, start with the tool above. You might also take one minute a day to notice your feet. Pay attention to the fact that you have feet (or hands, if your feet are in pain). This is a simple mindfulness practice that helps you begin to befriend your body again. You’re not “trying to do anything” with your feet – you’re just being aware that you have them.

You might have noticed that the trick to all this seems to be noticing! You’d be right.

Noticing is the antithesis of pressuring.

The more you just notice, without doing anything else, the more you can sidle up to pain-relief and fall into its lap.

This mind-body healing journey is not about doing more, doing it right, or succeeding. It’s about discovery and embracing gentleness toward yourself. Whatever you’re doing right now, even if it IS beating yourself up, simply notice and be gentle with yourself. Allow it all to be exactly as it is in this moment.

You can do this.

Abigail

P.S. Want help dealing with the overwhelm? Join the Kindness Community today and get ongoing support around using mind-body healing tools and taking the pressure OFF of yourself!

And, if you want to learn more about breathing (one of my fave basic tools!) for health and stress-relief, you may want to check out the info below. I studied basic breathwork with Kathleen and found it immensely helpful in dialing down pain. This is her first online training, which means you can take it from anywhere! I’m participating, as I want to go deeper into how to breathe to relieve stress and allow emotions to flow.

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Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator
Online Training

Expand your potential for personal and professional development. Whether you want to develop an in-depth personal breath practice, or train professionally, this 200-Hour Facilitator Training is designed for you.

Join Kathleen Barratt, founder of Barratt Breath Institute, and discover how to incorporate Barratt Breathwork into your professional practice. This foundational program complements and integrates with a wide variety of contemplative mind/body systems and is appropriate for both laypeople and professionals in various healing and self-development fields.

Online training tools, hands-on practicum, and live, online teaching sessions provide the theoretical and experiential framework for learning how to formulate and guide a progressive sequence of contemplative breath practices.

Having some exposure to breathwork, whether you have studied it or received breathwork sessions from a breathwork facilitator, is a prerequisite for this program.Upon successful completion, students will receive a Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator certificate.

This training is offered as a stand-alone program, as well as being a prerequisite for the Barratt Breathwork® Facilitator Graduate Program.

Self-kindness is the biggest healing factor in pain-relief, stress-relief, and connection to one’s soul and inner wisdom. It’s been my biggest struggle.

In my twenties, I went on diets constantly, I pushed myself to do more, more, more, was incredibly hard on myself, and I ignored anything my body had to tell me. In fact, I had no idea my body was even speaking to me.

I was depressed, in pain all the time, exhausted, and unhappy.

I remember once visiting an orthopedic surgeon for a consult about intense knee pain. At the time, I was on a strict diet, dealing with major stress in my life, over-exercising, pushing myself to succeed in my career, judging myself constantly about my abilities, and generally angry with myself. Gosh, it was such a mystery, that knee pain. I spent a lot of time going to doctors in those days. (Although, in that case, the knee doc looked just like George Clooney, so it wasn’t much of a hardship.)

Now, many years later and several thousand lessons later, I still often struggle with self-kindness.

Sometimes, I really suck at it. (Oh wait – that’s not exactly the kindest way to put that…)

My first go-to is often the same ol’ self-judgment, self-pressure, and ignoring-my-inner-wisdom habit.

Luckily for me, I teach self-kindness every day, all day. This forces me to be honest with myself about where I really am in the self-kindness spectrum. Every client I work with, every class I teach, and everything I write is pretty much Big Wisdom coming through for myself, not just for others. I never feel like I’m the one teaching or coaching. I feel like the translator just sharing wisdom, and I’m clear that my job is to listen and follow through on what I’ve learned each day.

This is actually pretty cool. The cure for pain syndromes, stress, and mind-body-soul disconnect is self-kindness. I get to experience that cure every day, even when I forget.

It’s pretty easy to forget to practice self-kindness. Self-kindness isn’t usually our first go-to when life happens. And, if your life is like mine, life happens every day. There are mistakes, lessons, discomforts, struggles, surprises, and more at any given moment. Self-pressure can sneak in like nobody’s business. Suddenly, you realize you’re being hard on yourself!

Here’s today’s homework: What can you do to remember to practice self-kindness? What would help you focus on this each and every day?

For me, the work I do is an automatic reminder. I also have a schedule that includes five minutes each day of the self-kindness practice I teach in the Kindness Community.  I also have friends who are willing to remind me to be kind to myself.

What would work for you? What are your ideas? Share below or on Facebook!

This is the ESSENTIAL focus you need each day if you want pain relief, stress relief, and a strong connection to your inner wisdom. As a bonus, you’ll also find yourself awakening more and more to your true nature and spiritual connection.

If you want reminders and support, how-to’s, and help around this self-kindness idea, hop on over to join the Kindness Community!

Abigail

P.S.  Having spent the last two weeks grieving the loss of my faithful furry friend and companion, Jackson, I wanted to share this fabulous resource with you, below, around grief and healing!

GRIEF & CREATIVITY SUMMER PLAYSHOPS!

The Creative Grief Studio are hosting an array of wonderful grief and creativity “playshops” this Summer, exploring different creative ways to express and transform grief through dream work, clay work, photography, journaling, collage, book-making, creative writing, guided visualisations, intuitive painting, mandalas, and more.

Great for a bit of introspection and creative exploration of your own grief from losses of any kind, or for coaches wanting to learn more creative tools for supporting grieving clients. Have a look and see what looks yummy to you, for a bit of play, creativity, and reflection this Summer…

By Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Gail Kenny

Learning to self-soothe and using it on a regular basis is one of the best ways to reduce stress and chronic pain. It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it and it becomes a habit that makes a significant difference in being able to more easily come back into balance when life gets challenging.

Anxiety on Top of Pain

I distinctly remember a time when I was really stuck in chronic pelvic pain. I had been experiencing a flare-up of pain for weeks that wasn’t showing any signs of letting up. I had anxiety in addition to pain which just made the pain harder to deal with. I thought that if the anxiety would just go away I could handle the pain.

Then I found the pelvicpainhelp.com website and spoke on the phone with Dr. David Wise, a psychologist who once suffered from chronic pelvic pain and who has found significant relief. His recognition of and familiarity with my suffering, and his kindness and optimism that his approach could help me was so reassuring that when I got off the phone my anxiety was gone and I felt quite a bit better!

We can learn to comfort  ourselves the same way through the practice of self-soothing. When we resist discomfort, anxiety can arise which makes the discomfort even more intense. Self-soothing can reduce anxiety and resistance to discomfort and significantly dial down pain.

How to self-soothe

1.  Notice when you’re worrying or obsessing about pain and consciously change your approach to it. Get a broader perspective by imagining you can take a step back from being in the middle of your pain and simply observe your experience of it instead of automatically reacting to it.
2. Accept that what you’re experiencing is hard, challenging, or uncomfortable. You might be feeling angry, scared or sad. Turn towards feeling the emotions about it and underlying it instead of resisting them.
3. Take at least three mindful breaths and focus on the physical sensations of the emotions while you let go of your story about the pain.
4. Feel the support you already have in the moment. It can be as simple as noticing you have plenty of oxygen to breathe and that gravity holds your body and allows it to rest against the ground or in your chair.  Find a place in your body that feels comfortable and focus there.
5. Then treat yourself as you would someone you love. Be compassionate. Surround yourself with love, have understanding and love for yourself in your situation. Reassure yourself as you would someone you love.
6. Imagine that you’re being held with a kind and loving hand on your back. Or put your own hand on the place in your body that feels uncomfortable and imagine you can channel unconditional love through your hand and receive it in your body.
7. Feel sympathy for the younger part of you who is worried, scared, or unsure. From your fully functioning adult-self, imagine that you’re comforting and reassuring the part of you who is distressed and sense what that part really needs in order to come back into balance. See your adult-self comforting the part of you who is suffering.
8. You can take this a step further and imagine that you have the complete attention, love, and support of a higher part of yourself, a mentor, or a spiritual guide. Imagine that they love you always.

An Example of Self-Soothing

I recently woke up with a sore back from stacking a load of firewood the day before. I noticed my mind starting to go into worry about a big pain flare up and the possibility of being in pain indefinitely. Because I’ve been practicing self-soothing and good self-care I quickly reframed my story about my discomfort and realized that I had lots of resources for calming my discomfort starting with accepting that I had discomfort. I took some time to relieve the myofascial pain by massaging sore spots with a ball against the wall. It really helped. Then I continued with allowing my body to feel sore and reassuring myself that I’m okay and noticing how I’m already being supported in the moment. As I felt the support of gravity holding my body to the earth and the support of the air already giving me plenty of oxygen to breathe I also imagined softening around the discomfort. Then I imagined surrounding myself with a kind and loving presence comforting me and reassuring me that all will be well.

Self-soothing helps relieve the resistance to feeling discomfort and allows you to be with feeling discomfort with a sense of also being comforted and supported. Then it’s not so scary. Then you can be present in your body to feel without blocking the experience. This allows you to also be present with emotional energy around the discomfort. Being with and witnessing discomfort allows it to be acknowledged and that’s what helps it to release and for you to return to balance and comfort.

Photo credit: Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net

Endorsed Coach – Gail Kenny

When I found Abigail I had been struggling with chronic pelvic pain (including pain in my lower abdomen, IC symptoms, yeast infections and myofascial pain) for over 20 years. Mind-body coaching was the last thing I needed to truly get my life back. I know first-hand the challenges of healing chronic pelvic pain and I’m well prepared to help you with your healing. I’m also a certified Martha Beck life coach and trained psychic.

I work with people in physical pain who have already tried all the normal solutions. I help them heal old dysfunctional habits of thinking and feeling. I teach them to relate to their body, emotions, mind, and soul in new ways, creating relief from underlying tension, healing pain from the inside out and getting back to living the life they want. Start with your free pain relief practice here.

Last week, I was doing a little research while writing the blog post, How Your Inner Badass Spy Can Heal You. This research involved looking up “badass” in the Urban Dictionary. (Tough research, I know.)

The definition read, “ultra-cool motherfucker.” My eyebrows flew up, and I had to giggle to myself. My mind instantly sprang into action, creating images of myself wearing awesome sunglasses, dressed in something hip-hop-ish, (maybe? I have no idea what clothing is actually ultra-cool!), my hair in some kind of spiky, crazy ‘do, and playing  a part in an action/spy movie.

All of this could not be more different than who I am. In fact, in high school, I was known as an orch dork, short for orchestra dork. I spent nearly all my free time practicing the violin, which was my main passion. I also wrote a lot and won various writing contests. One time I was even in a science club for a while.

Nowadays, I’m generally known for my compassionate, kind approach to coaching and my gentle energy. I have trouble setting firm, solid boundaries with anyone. I’ve recently been raked over the coals lately as I’ve tried to learn how to say no to my toddler. (My two-year-old daughter is teaching me, with such brilliance, that I really must create clear, firm structure and guidelines for her.)

My biggest weakness has been bringing a firm, calm, and assertive energy to whatever I’m doing. I tend to slide into softness and passivity. I’ve been studying this all year, trying to really understand how to set kind yet firm boundaries, take good care of myself, and say no when I need to say no.

When I read that phrase, “ultra-cool motherfucker” and saw myself in that imaginary movie role, I felt a whole different energy rise up inside me. I can’t really be a major hard-ass, so this energy is probably like “ultra-cool motherfucker-lite.” It felt playful, strong, firm, clear, and assertive.

Ding! The lightbulb went on in my head. In a whoosh, I felt a whole new understanding drop into my brain.

This badass energy felt like a healthy expression of masculine energy.

In the past, I’ve experienced unhealthy manifestations of masculine energy; the expressions of masculine energy that cause Mind Body Syndrome (TMS):

• Pushing and forcing (overriding and ignoring the intuitive signals from the body)
• Self-pressure
• Striving and driving
• Overachieving
• Emotional suppression

These forms of masculine energy were my main living mode for many years.

The first time I had Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), I learned I had to open up to my feminine side and start allowing myself to:

• Listen to my intuition
• Fluidly follow my body’s guidance
• Allow myself to feel emotions
• Love myself

That helped immensely, and I went merrily on my way, pain-free. I’d gone from taking action in a very unhealthy masculine (or yang) energy style to taking action in a very healthy feminine (or yin) style.

However, as it is wont to do, my body spoke up again to help me learn even more. In 2012, I experienced another whopping Mind Body Syndrome. This time, I came to realize that the underlying life issue was no longer self-pressure/pushing. Instead, it was struggling to set boundaries, bring assertive energy to a situation when needed, and bouts of victim-thinking.

It was time to learn how to take action from a healthy masculine energy style. In fact, I had kind of dismissed masculine energy entirely. In that large oversight, I’d also failed to recognize that I had a tendency to take action from an unhealthy feminine energy whenever I really needed healthy masculine energy.

Unhealthy feminine energy looks like:

• Victim mindset
• Martyr syndrome and communication style
• Giving, giving, giving (not taking care of one’s self)
• Reactive emotional outbursts (instead of healthy emotional allowing/feeling)
• Wanting to be saved by others

Whenever I was triggered, confronted with a situation that required healthy masculine energy, or tired, I collapsed into unhealthy feminine energy.

My body was NOT having that imbalance.

In order to become pain-free again, I’ve had to work on how to bring a healthy masculine energy into the mix whenever I find myself collapsing into the unhealthy feminine energy. It’s been tricky. I find myself stepping on the gas too much or too little – either becoming too aggressive (hello family passive-aggressive communication patterns!) or completely lacking in any assertive energy whatsoever.

I’ve learned enough and implemented enough to have created health again, and I’m back to being pain-free. However, I’m still working on this one, because there’s so much to be gained from continuing to explore this.

I’ve been seeking the sweet spot: taking action from a balanced mix of healthy feminine and masculine energies, with either energy taking the lead when necessary.

Enter the badass inner spy I’ve been writing about lately. (See the first post in the series here.)

My inner badass spy is my alter ego. She’s strong, clear, firm, and assertive. She’s a part of me I’ve needed to fully own for a long, long time. She’s been hanging out in the shadows, speaking to me through spy novels and shows, showing me that it’s ok to bring a little badass spy to my style.

At first, writing about her was all about the ability to observe and notice. She’s got mad spy skills, so she’s helped me learn to observe myself without judgment.

What I did not see coming was this masculine energy revelation that smacked me in the forehead when I looked up “badass.”

My badass inner spy is about more than self-observation. She’s also the key to setting boundaries, saying no, being assertive, and that calm, firm healthy masculine energy I need. She’s strong. When I imagine her – when I think “she’s an ultra-cool motherfucker” – the energy I feel inside myself is the perfect answer to my struggles.

She’s not a victim.

She’s not passive.

She’s not taking things lying down.

She saves herself.

She’s the perfect partner to the intuitive, emotionally-aware, flowing feminine energy. The feminine energy keeps her from becoming too badass (ignoring her emotions and intuition) and she keeps the feminine energy from collapsing into victim/martyr yuck.

What happens in this sweet spot? When I call on my inner badass spy, I don’t take on others’ stuff.

I help and serve from a place of love, compassion, and health.

I actually take care of myself so that I’m able to be present and available for my family, my clients, and friends. I’m connected to my strength so that I can say no with firm clarity. I love others in a healthy way – not in an entangled, hidden-agenda way. I don’t over-give and create resentment/victim/martyr yuck within myself.

In an effort to really connect to my inner badass spy and her genius, I’ve been saying “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” to myself all week.

I’ve gotta say, I never imagined that I would use “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” as a healing mantra. Ever. That never crossed my mind. Not even once. I don’t even usually say that word, much less write it forty times in a blog post.

But – damn! The energy behind that phrase brings such a playful, strong, and clear feeling to my heart. I feel awesome. Whenever I say it to myself, I whip on my imaginary shades, feel strength flow in, and I’m immediately connected to healthy masculine energy.

For you, “I’m an ultra-cool motherfucker” may not do the trick. Mantras and affirmations are a personal thing. I have a hunch, though, that many of you run into the same struggles as I have, not being able to call up that assertive energy, over-giving, taking on others’ stuff, and finding your body protesting. If so, find your own inner alter ego. If you don’t resonate with an inner badass spy, then who is it inside of you who can give you the calm, firm, assertive energy?

Once you’ve thought about this and found your own version of my inner badass spy, you can try this exercise:

Ask Your Inner Badass

Step 1: Whenever you notice yourself feeling unsure about yourself, emotionally reactive, extremely hurt, or in any kind of victim/martyr resentful mode, take a moment to step back. Put on your imaginary shades. Imagine your inner badass, whoever he/she is. Really picture her for a moment. Call her into your current situation. Invite her out to play.

Step 2: Feel her strength and clarity within you. Imagine her actually taking up energetic space within your body and feel her way of seeing the world enter your mind. This is kind of the equivalent of Clark Kent entering the phone booth.

Step 3: Decide how to move forward now that you’ve called up your inner badass. (Aka, exited the phone booth as Superman.) Feel that new energy inform your actions, decisions, or even just your mindset. Have fun. Let this be a playful exercise.

Oh, and, please tell me all about your inner badass. What’s your killer mantra? I am dying to know what happens for you when you do this exercise! Join the convo on Facebook!

Abigail

Last week, I wrote a post about using spy skills to help relieve self-pressure and stress, and as a result, help you heal from Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). I gave you an assignment to do (if you choose to accept the mission) designed to help you own your inner badass spy, develop self-compassion and shift your thinking from “what I need to fix about me” to “I notice this about me.”

Notice how that’s just one step away from “I LIKE this about me.” Oh yeah! We’re getting close! Pretty soon you’ll be able to say the “L” word to yourself.

Anytime.

Anywhere.

And mean it.

If you’re dealing with Mind Body Syndrome (TMS), you probably know that Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, writes about specific personality traits that lead to the development of Mind Body Syndrome (TMS). One of the biggies is constantly pushing yourself to do better and be better. (Does that sound like self-love? NO.)

This is the cause of MUCH stress and pain for many people who suffer from MBS/TMS. (This is why self-love is the antidote and ultimate healer.)

If you want to get rid of pain or symptoms, you’ve got to learn how to ease off the self-pressure and develop self-compassion.

If you’re feeling a tad persecuted and wondering why on earth YOUR body is forcing you to learn self-compassion while other people get to beat themselves silly, think again. In fact, there are many people who have MBS/TMS and don’t even know it.

For example, people who are putting all kinds of pressure on themselves around body image and diet are trying so hard to be good enough (both in how they look and their health) they are inadvertently causing high stress levels and suffering discomfort.

Scott Abel, author of The Anti-Diet Approach to Weight Loss and Weight Control, writes about a 2007 Australian study that showed “the desire to improve cosmetic appearance” was the reason for most food purchases among women aged 18-30 years. He says,

“This demographic is also the demographic who report the most digestive-related complications and issues: things like bloating, constipation, IBS, gluten intolerance, etc. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

All these things are interconnected within the diet-mentality mindset of cosmetic focus and the pressure all of that kind of thinking produces within you. Because the truth is the digestive tract is one of the key indicators and measuring sticks for stress. You don’t have food issues causing digestive issues – you have thinking issues and you stress about food – and these things are causing digestive issues. Only realization of the self- compassionate mind is going to reduce any or all of these psychosomatic symptoms.”

Having experienced this very thing myself, I can attest to the amount of stress diet-mentality creates, and how freeing it is to stop putting that kind of pressure on one’s self. I used to suffer a great deal from digestive issues until I discovered MBS/TMS and used the mind-body healing tools on myself. The body is always trying to teach us to be kind to ourselves.

I’ve often in my life put enormous amounts of pressure on myself to eat less and eat better. I’ve attempted many a diet. Inevitably, I end up deeply embroiled in a late-night romance with bags of potato chips and other such delicious items. The more I try to stop the overeating behavior, the more I overeat. The more I overeat, the more I try to stop the behavior, and the louder my inner critic. The louder my inner critic and the harder the pressure, the more I overeat.

The only way off that train is to use self-compassion and its precursor – self-observation. (Which is the spy skill I taught you last week.)

Whether it’s eating or something else, whenever you find yourself entangled in a perpetual loop like the one above, you have to ease off the pressure.

Self-flagellation is not the answer.

It will only make things worse.

Putting pressure on yourself creates a catch-22. The more pressure yourself to be better, thinner, healthier, etc. through inner criticism and forced change, the more stress you create. In fact, you’ll find it HARDER to create change and will find yourself struggling MORE in whatever area you’re so eager to improve.

Recently, I found myself twisted up in this pattern with watching videos on Netflix. I felt really guilty about spending time watching Netflix. (Because the perfectionist part of my mind felt I should be more productive and not waste time watching Netflix.) The more I judged myself, the more I watched. The more I watched, the more I judged myself.

Then, I remembered that I’m a badass spy.

I pulled out my spy skill and started observing and noticing myself with curiosity.

The reason this skill is so super-effective is that it’s THE WAY to self-compassion.

As soon as I started noticing, I realized several things:

1. I’d been working intensely (and happily) for months, burning the creative engine. My mind wanted a rest.
2. Enjoying Netflix is not a major crime.
3. Nobody was being harmed in this Netflix activity.
4. I was having a lot of fun.
5. I’ve been in this cycle before, and I know it well. After creative spells, I need to enjoy some couch-potato, coma-like time. Sometimes for a few weeks. Then I’m ready to roll again.
6. I tend to forget to have frivolous, goof-off fun. Yet – this is one of the most healing tools for people who struggle with MBS/TMS and self-pressure traits.

There didn’t seem to be a great reason for my inner critic to attack me. As I kept observing, allowing myself to behave exactly as I was with no pressure to change, the tension dropped out of the situation. Netflix faded away when the time was right. I didn’t have to force anything. And, even more interesting, I found myself inspired and full of insights that had popped in my mind while I was watching those fun shows. (Yes, indeed, they were spy shows!)

While my mind was happily enjoying Netflix, my inner wisdom was guiding me to messages that gave me all kinds of new blog post ideas, insight into my own inner world, and more. (Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to get messages about life than through spy shows. What could be more fun?)

When I dropped the pressure and resistance (because anytime there’s pressure, there’s resistance), I was able to relax into life and enter into self-compassion.

So whether it’s potato chips, Netflix, or something else – whatever you’re telling yourself you have to change or do better/differently – STOP. Get out your #1 spy skill and observe yourself without judgment.

You might think this is the craziest idea, ever. LET yourself eat bags and bags of food without inner criticism? Why, that just might make you eat bags and bags of food! On no!

Except that, you already are.

See? It’s kind of tricky, because the mind is very convincing.

You might as well allow yourself to be as you are right now and reserve judgment. Instead, just notice. This is how I got out of the diet mess and found my body’s natural, healthy weight. It’s how I deal with everything that comes up involving self-pressure and stress.

Allow.

Allow things to be as they are.

Allow yourself to be as you are.

Gently move into self-compassion.

Change will emerge, blooming slowly and beautifully like a flower, nourished from the soil of self-love.